1
00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:39,832
One less angel in heaven, baby!
2
00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:35,137
The guy at table six
took his dick out again.
3
00:01:35,221 --> 00:01:36,931
Table six
took his dick out!
4
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:39,475
Table six
took his dick out!
5
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,437
- Motherfucker!
- Trixie's down!
6
00:01:43,521 --> 00:01:45,105
Trixie, you okay?
Hey, Jerry!
7
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,404
That was the sweet,
saintly Philomena.
8
00:01:52,488 --> 00:01:54,114
Heavenly, wouldn't you say?
9
00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:55,825
Motherfuck,
my fucking head!
10
00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:58,494
And that was Philomena's
foulmouthed friend,
11
00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:00,454
- Philadelphia.
- Take it off!
12
00:02:00,538 --> 00:02:02,414
Sweet thought,
but I think I'll keep it on.
13
00:02:02,498 --> 00:02:04,625
- Take it off!
- Take it off!
14
00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:06,752
- Take it off!
- We're not kidding!
15
00:02:06,836 --> 00:02:09,129
Guys, hear me.
By the time I finish
16
00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:11,090
unzipping,
unfastening and unhooking
17
00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:13,133
the medieval contraption
of rayon and rubber
18
00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:15,570
that is my girdle, you'll all be
back in bed with your wives
19
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:17,972
telling them
how much you hated working late.
20
00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:19,640
-
- Well, you didn't say
21
00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:22,393
you were gonna throw an oily,
crumpled dollar bill at me.
22
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,895
Now it's coming off.
23
00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:27,189
- Maisel!
- Oops, no time.
24
00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:29,209
Uh, but hold on
to your Great Gatsbys, guys,
25
00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:32,903
'cause here comes our salute
to the Roaring '20s.
26
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:45,207
But first,
Sapphira, Lonely Harem Girl.
27
00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:46,959
- What the hell?
- I didn't know.
28
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:48,460
No one knows shit around here.
29
00:02:48,544 --> 00:02:50,087
Three, four.
30
00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:01,807
Boise, what happened
to the Roaring '20s?
31
00:03:01,891 --> 00:03:03,726
Trixie got beaned by the wire.
32
00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:06,312
- I saw. I heard.
- So we went with Harem Girl.
33
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:08,314
- Without telling me.
- You were onstage.
34
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,399
Getting the crowd excited
for a sexy flapper.
35
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:12,377
- We confused them.
- Look, as long as some girl's
36
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,445
out there shaking her chichis,
those guys don't care
37
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,214
- how the fuck they're dressed.
- I disagree.
38
00:03:16,238 --> 00:03:17,716
With Sapphira the Harem Girl,
they're anticipating
39
00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:19,283
sultry, mysterious chichis,
40
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,386
not the bippity-boppity chichis
of the Roaring '20s girl.
41
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:22,536
Look, no one's confused
42
00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:23,972
'cause no one's
hardly listening to you.
43
00:03:23,996 --> 00:03:26,165
- I take offense at that.
- You all do.
44
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,583
Can do better than this, Boise.
45
00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:29,960
Talk to Clifford.
He signs the checks.
46
00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:32,463
- Ooh!
- Excusez-moi.
47
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,799
Hey, everyone.
Uh, Boise's not so great
48
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:38,177
at formal introductions,
so I wanted to introduce myself.
49
00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:40,387
Hi. I'm Midge.
50
00:03:40,471 --> 00:03:42,473
Mrs. Maisel. I'm the new MC
51
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,099
here at the Wolf,
52
00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:47,519
so any of you want to add a dash
of humor to your routines,
53
00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:49,563
consider me
your comedy consultant.
54
00:03:49,647 --> 00:03:51,482
Okay, well...
55
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,567
As you were.
56
00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,905
Ooh! Sorry.
57
00:03:57,988 --> 00:04:01,033
Come on, six. Come on, six.
58
00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:04,036
Oh! The hard way!
59
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,288
- Let's go again. Come on.
- Raking it in.
60
00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:07,581
- Yes.
- Damn.
61
00:04:07,665 --> 00:04:09,083
Clifford.
62
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:10,727
- Cup of coffee for you.
- On a hot one tonight!
63
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,544
- I know you like one
right around now.
- Oh.
64
00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,546
Come on,
dice! Dice...
65
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,298
Smells fresh.
66
00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:18,258
- Crap!
- It's supposed to.
67
00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:21,804
So, I would love to suggest
some small improvements
68
00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,865
that I think would make the club
all that it can be.
69
00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:25,265
Yeah, uh...
70
00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:27,160
A better system for announcing
the acts would be great.
71
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:28,745
Plus, there are
a lot of avoidable injuries.
72
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,249
Maybe we should have
a safety meeting.
73
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,438
- Uh...
- In the Catskills,
74
00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:33,023
I was frequently voted
safety monitor
75
00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:35,526
for various activities:
water sports, backpacking.
76
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,986
We were hiking once,
and the rabbi
77
00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:38,588
thought for sure
he got bit by a snake.
78
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,031
I sucked on that man
till he almost passed out.
79
00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,741
On his ankle, that is.
80
00:04:42,825 --> 00:04:44,745
Turned out to just be
a couple of mosquito bites,
81
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,638
but people sure got a laugh
out of it.
82
00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,414
- Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, have a...
83
00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:50,833
have a... think on that.
84
00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:53,419
And...
85
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,506
That's a safety risk, too.
86
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:05,889
Fucking angel.
87
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,474
Let me bum one.
88
00:05:07,558 --> 00:05:08,827
Did you hear
what happened out there?
89
00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:10,519
Flapper got her head smashed in.
90
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:12,271
Heard the cursing.
Sounded kind of funny.
91
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:14,023
Wasn't funny. It's sloppy.
92
00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,858
This place
has a lot of work to do.
93
00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:17,627
It's a strip club.
As long as a girl's up there
94
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,170
shaking her chichis,
none of it matters.
95
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,404
Maisel!
96
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,448
Sapphira's wrapping up.
97
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:24,491
- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.
98
00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:26,618
- Who's next?
- Annie Oakley.
99
00:05:26,702 --> 00:05:29,038
- Thank you.
- Or Brenda the Bird Girl.
100
00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:56,106
- Take it off!
- Hey, there. You miss me?
101
00:05:56,190 --> 00:06:00,360
Take it off!
102
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,336
Chester, you left
the fucking door open again.
103
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:19,421
How many times do I got to...
104
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,842
Is this something icky?
105
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,928
- You must be Susie.
- Yeah.
106
00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,097
I'm Nancy. Jackie's sister.
107
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,681
- Oh. Well, he's...
- Dead.
108
00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,642
He's dead.
109
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,310
I'm sorry, what?
110
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,562
A stroke
sometime this afternoon.
111
00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:38,607
A stroke?
112
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:41,485
I was actually
at his bedside before he passed.
113
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,487
He was still talking.
114
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,280
Yeah, he likes to talk.
115
00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:47,491
His final words
were actually for you.
116
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:48,951
For me?
117
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,537
I wrote them down
so I wouldn't forget.
118
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,247
"Susie,
119
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:56,041
the guys are coming
to sand the floor at noon.
120
00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:57,668
Be there to let them in.
121
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,546
They're flaky,
so fuck knows if they'll show.
122
00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,589
Remember, Monday's a holiday,
123
00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:04,967
so don't put the garbage out
Sunday night.
124
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:07,427
We already got one ticket
from the city.
125
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,847
If you're going to make
spaghetti sauce,
126
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,933
push the curtains back,
because you splash a lot,
127
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,768
and you can't get sauce
128
00:07:14,852 --> 00:07:18,230
out of that fabric.
It's just too delicate."
129
00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:20,607
Plastic.
130
00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:23,110
The modern miracle.
131
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,654
And, ladies, these are some
of the finest plastic products
132
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,698
- on the household market.
- They sure are.
133
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:28,842
There's so much to choose from.
134
00:07:28,866 --> 00:07:30,135
There's
so many convenient sizes,
135
00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,243
so many vivid colors.
136
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,453
And you are going
to want it all.
137
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:35,706
This is the Wonderlier.
138
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,541
That's such a cute name.
I love that name.
139
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,626
And for sizable suppers,
140
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:42,004
the large Wonderlier.
141
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,767
Well, I have to have
two of everything now.
142
00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:46,175
It's just so good! Sign me up.
143
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:48,385
Uh, pass the Wonderliers around,
144
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,262
ladies,
and I will be right back.
145
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:53,056
Oh, ladies,
do I have a story for you.
146
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,993
- I know a girl...
- You'd have less need
for Tupperware
147
00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,327
if you weren't just cooking
for one.
148
00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:57,769
- Can we set up a lunch?
- Uh, Mama,
149
00:07:57,853 --> 00:07:59,771
Jean here is missing out
on the demonstration.
150
00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:02,274
Why don't you get back
to the group, Jean.
151
00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:04,776
Miriam,
I'm trying to make a sale here.
152
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,653
And so am I. Beat it.
153
00:08:06,737 --> 00:08:08,238
She's making dinner,
154
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:10,657
and in comes a burglar
with a gun.
155
00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:12,159
She screams, he shoots,
156
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,411
and the Tupperware she
was holding stops the bullet.
157
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,264
I mean,
they don't even mention that
158
00:08:16,288 --> 00:08:18,415
- in the literature.
- Imogene.
159
00:08:19,458 --> 00:08:21,084
Dial it down, woman.
160
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,928
Midge, do you want to make
some sales or not?
161
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,397
Yes.
Showing them how to burp
162
00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,048
a two-quart
is not going to move product,
163
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:27,925
and you are here
to move product.
164
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,010
Now sell.
165
00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:33,213
Ladies, I think it's time
to get those order forms out.
166
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,390
And when that is done,
I will announce the winner
167
00:08:35,474 --> 00:08:37,643
of the silliest Tupperware hat.
168
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:41,104
Oh, my God.
169
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,940
What? Are you okay?
170
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,483
Uh...
171
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:47,110
Everyone, uh, please excuse me.
172
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:49,196
- Imogene?
- I got it.
173
00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:52,783
Let's drop the bullshit, ladies,
174
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,785
and make some deals.
175
00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,581
You need to eat.
176
00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:01,226
- Mm-hmm.
- This hot plate is no good.
177
00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:02,918
I don't think
all this is gonna fit.
178
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:05,003
- How's that sandwich?
- Great.
179
00:09:05,087 --> 00:09:06,672
Hot here, cold here.
180
00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:08,799
Okay,
we're officially out of room.
181
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,634
What? No.
The pudding has to go in there.
182
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:12,403
- Don't think so.
- Oh, strudel.
183
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:13,929
Okay, we can freeze the chicken.
184
00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,764
- Where's the freezer?
- Up there.
185
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,849
What is this place, the gulag?
186
00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:19,851
Oh, I made Zelda mad.
187
00:09:19,935 --> 00:09:22,015
- I didn't know
you could make Zelda mad.
- Trade you.
188
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,856
All the lady magazines say
you should defrost once a month.
189
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,484
- This is crazy.
- Mmm, good coffee.
190
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,904
- Oh, you've got ants.
- You should've called me.
191
00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:32,531
I called you.
192
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,658
I mean the minute you found out.
193
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,219
I don't want you sitting
in a dark apartment,
194
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:38,870
drinking for hours by yourself
at a time like this.
195
00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:40,223
- I'm here.
- Now you're mad
196
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,833
- just like Zelda.
- I'm not mad.
197
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,169
Jackie's dead.
198
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,838
I know, honey.
199
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,925
Really?
200
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:54,303
He was here all alone, then bam.
201
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:57,180
Old Gianni upstairs
said he heard a thud.
202
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,516
Called the cops.
They load him in the car,
203
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,227
and they took him to Bellevue,
and by 9:00, that was it.
204
00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:05,272
- He's gone.
- Well, he wasn't sick.
205
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,941
He didn't suffer.
We should be grateful for that.
206
00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:09,651
It was the chili dogs.
207
00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:12,029
I warned him
about those chili dogs.
208
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,740
Fucking guy
subsisted on chili dogs.
209
00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:18,160
- The ice wins.
We have to eat it all now.
- When's the service?
210
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:19,721
- Don't know.
- - Well, how can I get ahold
211
00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:21,204
- of his sister?
- Don't know.
212
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,914
- Did she leave a card?
- No.
213
00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,583
Maybe she wrote something down?
214
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:25,917
You have one fork?
215
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,336
She didn't write anything down.
216
00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,379
I don't know
where the funeral is.
217
00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,757
I don't know where the sister is
or who the sister is.
218
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,092
I just know that last night,
when I wasn't here,
219
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:35,416
the biggest pain in my ass ever
220
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,971
dropped the fuck dead
in my apartment!
221
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:42,517
Forks.
222
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:48,774
I'm sorry.
223
00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:50,817
I'm sorry, too.
224
00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:52,611
I don't want to stay
in this apartment.
225
00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:54,237
Somebody died here. It's creepy.
226
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,239
Mm,
it's not the first time.
227
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,991
Huh?
228
00:10:58,075 --> 00:10:59,785
There's been a lot of deaths
in this room.
229
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,119
What?
230
00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:02,764
I researched
the apartment's history
231
00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:05,665
- at the municipal archives
before I moved in.
- Why?
232
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:07,143
Because that's
the first thing you do
233
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,710
before you move
into an apartment.
234
00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:10,730
- No, it's not.
- - There was a decapitation.
235
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:14,341
A woman was eaten alive
by maggots.
236
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,760
Identical twins
were disemboweled to music.
237
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,763
A pipe exploded,
drowning an entire family.
238
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:20,948
Then there's the crib deaths.
239
00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:23,392
Chester. Just eat your eggs.
240
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:24,851
Hey.
241
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:26,645
Four choking deaths
right in this corner.
242
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:29,398
Maybe don't rush me.
243
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,070
I hope it's enough.
244
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,363
Mr. Moishe likes squash.
245
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:38,365
Ah, I didn't make enough squash.
246
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,534
I will skip the squash
so there's squash for Moishe.
247
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,297
It's so nice
that we're all together again.
248
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,705
Oh, Zelda, no.
You've been crying for two days.
249
00:11:45,789 --> 00:11:48,708
So, I figured
only Moishe-y knew him.
250
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:51,586
You must've encountered
him at some point, Moishe.
251
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:53,296
We know his family
from the Catskills.
252
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,690
I know
the parents a little.
253
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,442
And the grandfather.
Saw him in the shower once
254
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,885
after racquetball. Wrinkliest
nutsack I've ever seen.
255
00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:00,512
And he's seen some beauts.
256
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,764
- Oh, dear.
- We're talking
about the bar mitzvah boy?
257
00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:05,559
- Akiva?
- Mm-hmm. Moishe was asked
to do an aliyah at his service,
258
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,495
- and he swears he's never met him.
- - And it's a short list
259
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:09,688
of people you pick to do
an aliyah at your bar mitzvah.
260
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,791
You'd think you'd pick someone
that knows who the fuck you are.
261
00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:14,317
Well, it's nice
just to be wanted by someone.
262
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:15,819
Anyone.
263
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,488
Our house is so empty now.
264
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,657
Abe and I will visit soon,
Shirley. I promise.
265
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,658
Tuesday?
266
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,034
I don't know about Tuesday.
267
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,619
Wednesday? I'll make my cabbage.
268
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:26,455
It'll be soon. You have my word.
269
00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:29,124
Your word is fairly meaningless,
Rose. You know it, I know it.
270
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:31,227
- So let's set a date.
- Hello!
271
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,229
- The youth have returned.
- Ethan!
272
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,897
Come here. Grandpa's
got to pick your brain.
273
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,757
- Saw Abe coming up behind me.
- His hours are
274
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:40,385
- so unpredictable these days.
- Wow, look at this place.
275
00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:42,179
It's all back together.
276
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,306
This is new.
The old one was chipped.
277
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:45,669
I remember
when Ethan chipped it.
278
00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:47,535
Akiva Bergman.
It doesn't ring a bell,
279
00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:48,977
- huh?
- No.
280
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:50,413
- Don't rush. Think, think.
- I've got
281
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,317
dinner for you and Esther
in the kitchen, Ethan.
282
00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:54,208
- Say good night.
- Good night.
283
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:56,401
- Good night.
- - Maybe you bought the kid
284
00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:58,737
an ice cream once, huh?
You know, and it was so special.
285
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,238
It really meant something.
286
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:01,924
I don't go around
the Catskills buying ice cream
287
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,533
for little boys I don't know.
288
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,178
There's plenty of those guys
crawling around up there,
289
00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:06,721
- you know what I'm saying?
- No.
290
00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:08,306
- What are you saying?
- - You remember Daniel Sandberg?
291
00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:09,873
With the Coke-bottle glasses?
292
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,791
I do.
He'd drive up with his mother.
293
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,335
Called him Danny Deep-Pockets.
294
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:16,046
Went around asking boys to dig
in his pants for candy corn.
295
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,297
I knew nothing about this.
296
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,132
Then there was Tom
from Buffalo
297
00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:22,260
- with the girly bangs.
- They called him
Tommy Touch-Butt.
298
00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:24,197
You're making this up.
299
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:27,307
Uh, Moishe, Shirley,
you remember Susie?
300
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:30,602
- From Yom Kippur?
- Hello.
- Hi.
301
00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:31,685
What's going on?
302
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,188
- A guy died.
- Oh, my God.
303
00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:35,148
- Who? Your husband?
- Uh, her roommate.
304
00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:36,858
Jackie from the Gaslight.
305
00:13:36,942 --> 00:13:39,444
Shit. I knew him. What happened?
306
00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:40,862
I just told you.
He fucking died.
307
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,239
Right. Sorry.
308
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:44,008
So did a lot of people
in my apartment.
309
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,426
Chester's got a list.
310
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,576
Cheeky Chester?
311
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:48,036
Abe. Just in time to eat.
312
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:50,288
Did you not see me behind you?
313
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:52,058
- Yeah, but...
- Let's eat, everyone.
- Yeah.
314
00:13:52,082 --> 00:13:54,143
- Before it gets cold.
- Oh, yeah.
- I had to stand there
315
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,170
and watch the elevator
take you up to the ninth floor,
316
00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:58,505
stop, come back down.
317
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,882
Then I had to get on,
take it back up.
318
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:02,842
That's 27 floors.
319
00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:05,303
You'll survive, Papa.
It's family style, everyone.
320
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:06,972
Forget your manners and dive in.
321
00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,932
Well, good thing I made it,
322
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,476
because I have a fun piece
of news for everyone.
323
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,246
Oh, let's hear it.
324
00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:14,771
I've been... I've...
325
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,148
I've been assigned...
326
00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:19,568
- Why is Zelda crying?
- I didn't make enough squash,
327
00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:21,486
- and I'm just so happy.
- We're good
328
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:23,572
from here, Zelda.
Why don't you take a break.
329
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:27,200
So, the Village Voice
has assigned me,
330
00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:28,827
its chief theater critic,
331
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:31,162
to review a new Broadway musical
332
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:33,623
by our own Buzz Goldberg.
333
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,059
- My God.
- Buzz has a show?
334
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,585
- Like, a real show?
- Yeah.
335
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:38,468
That musical he's been
workshopping at Steiner
336
00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:39,921
for, what, eight years now?
337
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:43,258
It's a real success story.
Did very well in New Haven.
338
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:46,011
Has a lot of good buzz,
pardon the pun.
339
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:48,447
- Ha! Good one.
- And there's
an opening night ticket
340
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:49,671
for each and every one of you.
341
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,474
- Opening night.
- Fun.
342
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:52,767
Abe, what a score.
343
00:14:52,851 --> 00:14:54,394
I already don't have
anything to wear.
344
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:57,230
I'm so proud of Buzz.
He never gave up on the show.
345
00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:59,250
- We must have seen it at the resort about 20 times.
- - Mm.
346
00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:01,318
And that song. You can't
get it out of your head.
347
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,962
You were in a version
of Buzz's show one year,
348
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,696
weren't you, Miriam?
Up at Steiner?
349
00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:07,741
I played Clare Landsburg
in the summer of 1953.
350
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,075
And he dropped you, right?
351
00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:11,953
No. I wasn't dropped.
352
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,455
I did the show for a while,
353
00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:15,290
and it went very well,
and then I made way
354
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,584
for another lucky young lady
to play the role.
355
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,812
I thought he dropped you
because you can't sing or act.
356
00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:21,397
Or dance.
That's how I remember it.
357
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,964
You couldn't sing
or act or dance.
358
00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:24,633
Please, people.
She's no Judy Garland,
359
00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:26,176
but she gave it her best shot.
360
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,011
Right. No, I'm not Judy Garland,
361
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,472
but who is?
Besides Judy Garland.
362
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:31,907
And you froze that one time.
Remember?
363
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,309
You came out on stage.
You couldn't remember your line.
364
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:35,977
One time, Shirley.
I froze one time.
365
00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:38,146
I'd seen the show so much
that I knew the line.
366
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,166
Everybody did. The whole room
was yelling out the line.
367
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,275
I wasn't fired
from the show. Okay?
368
00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:45,111
Is this all the squash?
369
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:46,821
Oh, and, Joel,
370
00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:48,907
regardless
of the elevator incident,
371
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:51,302
I'm not leaving you out. There's
a ticket for you, as well.
372
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:53,912
Two, actually,
if you'd like to bring a friend.
373
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,330
Yeah, Joel. Bring a friend.
374
00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:58,541
Archie or may... be
someone else.
375
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:01,127
There is no one else.
One ticket will suffice, Abe.
376
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:02,712
You know, Joel,
I still consider you
377
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:05,048
a family member,
and it seems a shame
378
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,485
- that you're alone.
- - There was a perfectly good girl
379
00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:09,678
I set him up with last week.
Lena Brofmann.
380
00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:11,262
It was a boy, by the way.
381
00:16:11,346 --> 00:16:12,430
Wow. You work quick.
382
00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:14,033
Excuse me, Ma,
for not wanting to go out
383
00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:15,242
with a pregnant divorced woman.
384
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,519
She's not divorced.
Her husband died.
385
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,121
- Everyone dies.
- Can we change
386
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,106
- the subject?
- - Shirley, I'm disappointed.
387
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,541
You have
a matchmaking professional
388
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,484
in the family,
after all. Use me.
389
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:27,529
- My God, you're right.
- It says call
for an appointment,
390
00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:30,115
but there's no appointment
necessary for you.
391
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:31,759
No, please don't give her
your card, Rose.
392
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:34,244
It doesn't matter. I know
her name. I know her number.
393
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,037
Rose, change your name.
Change your number.
394
00:16:36,121 --> 00:16:37,932
What's Joel's type?
395
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,017
- I know Miriam was his type,
but what else?
- Moishe,
396
00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:42,103
- if you're going to do
an aliyah, do it right.
- He likes an athletic girl.
397
00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:44,063
- Oh, athletic girl.
- That's interesting.
398
00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,564
You're gonna correct
the next one?
399
00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:46,899
- Oh, how sweet.
- Little Molly?
400
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,883
How about 63 years
as a devout Jew?
401
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:50,361
- Stickball player.
- Stickball?
402
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:51,720
Oh, I'm gonna write that down.
403
00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:53,471
An athletic,
stickball-playing type?
404
00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:55,348
Anything I can do
to make you stop?
405
00:16:56,808 --> 00:17:00,311
Rose?
Is my bathrobe in the bathroom?
406
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,190
Rose?
407
00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:05,650
Rose!
408
00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:07,026
What, Abe?
409
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:09,195
I thought you were looking
for my bathrobe.
410
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,905
No, Abe,
I'm getting ready for bed.
411
00:17:10,989 --> 00:17:12,574
Are you
seeing this?
412
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:14,176
- I'm, uh, picking up...
- Rose.
413
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,286
No,
your bathrobe is not in here.
414
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,597
- Well, then, where is it?
- - It's where you left it last.
415
00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:22,542
You look terrible,
by the way.
416
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,145
Thank you, Groucho.
417
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:26,254
I'm not laughing.
This-this isn't a bit.
418
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:28,339
This is more
like a national emergency.
419
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,885
Well, you look fantastic.
420
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,845
Trim and rested.
What's your secret?
421
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,930
I'm 28.
422
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:37,724
- Here.
- No, seriously,
423
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:39,744
you look the same as you did
in the pictures I grew up on
424
00:17:39,768 --> 00:17:41,436
a long time ago.
How do you do it?
425
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,062
Spending my golden years
with the wife.
426
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:44,481
How long you two been married?
427
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,775
Oh, I wasn't talking
about my wife.
428
00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:48,627
Both of Groucho's parents
are dead.
429
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:50,528
Maybe you should get some sleep.
430
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,781
- Can't sleep.
- You want a little something?
431
00:17:52,864 --> 00:17:54,824
- My mother has some pills.
- Oh, I know.
432
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,409
I've been
through your mom's pills.
433
00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:57,827
She's got a lot of them.
434
00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:59,829
She has three different places
she hides them,
435
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:02,016
in case you're wondering
why that woman has a sewing kit.
436
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,503
Found Jackie's sister,
by the way.
437
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,922
She asked me
if I would speak at the service.
438
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:10,965
What did you say?
439
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:14,177
I was trapped, so I said yes.
What am I gonna say, no?
440
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,221
You sure you're up for that?
441
00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:18,306
Try not to fuck it up too badly.
442
00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,229
Who got you hooked
on cigars, Groucho?
443
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:21,601
Well, who else? Chico.
444
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:23,895
- Chico smokes cigars?
- Get some sleep.
445
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:25,790
- Leave your beer.
- - There's not a lot Chico doesn't do except read.
446
00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:27,816
He's a pretty big
gambler, your brother.
447
00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:29,251
If you enjoy
understatements.
448
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,860
Any idea
how much he's lost?
449
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:32,421
Chico always says
if you add up all the money
450
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,948
Harpo has,
that's how much I've lost.
451
00:18:37,909 --> 00:18:41,037
Eat fast, Ethan. We've got
a big, fun day planned.
452
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,956
- Okay.
- Does this necklace work?
453
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:45,416
- If you have to ask...
- Changing the necklace.
454
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:47,126
Mama, can I borrow
your banana pin?
455
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:48,586
It's in my jewelry box.
456
00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:50,797
But if you're gonna do bananas
on your dress,
457
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,842
change your cherry earrings.
Too much fruit seems lazy.
458
00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:55,510
Good morning, Susie.
459
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:58,346
Ethan Ramone Maisel,
move your tuchus.
460
00:18:58,429 --> 00:19:01,182
- I mean it. We cannot be late.
- That's right, Ethan.
461
00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:04,102
You can't be late
for the doctor.
462
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,022
Oh. Mama, we don't tell him
he's going to the doctor.
463
00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:10,275
We tell him he's going
on a fun subway adventure.
464
00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:11,901
Well, the cat's
out of the bag now.
465
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:13,254
- I hate the doctor!
- Come on, Esther.
466
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:15,029
Let's go talk your brother
off that ledge.
467
00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,590
- Morning, Susie.
- - The doctor's the worst!
468
00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,283
I got a blintz.
469
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:20,052
You're going to
make your sister...
470
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:22,871
- Leave me alone!
- Stop running around.
No running.
471
00:19:22,954 --> 00:19:24,914
No running.
472
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:27,500
I don't want
to go to the doctor!
473
00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:30,920
Okay, look, I need one of you
to stay with her.
474
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:33,756
- What?
- There's no way I can take her
to the pediatrician's
475
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,609
with all her talk
about people dropping dead.
476
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,753
Well, I certainly can't take her
to the Village Voice.
477
00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:40,388
I'm still new there.
I might get a nickname today.
478
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:43,766
- No.
- Fine.
479
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,727
We'll do rock paper scissors.
Ready?
480
00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:47,645
One, two, three.
481
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:49,981
- Maisel residence.
- Who won?
482
00:19:50,064 --> 00:19:52,692
One moment, please.
It's for you, Miss Susie.
483
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,694
...behavior
of the United States...
484
00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:57,322
I hate the doctor!
485
00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:58,907
Hello?
486
00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:01,659
Hey, Susie, it's J.J.
You hear about Jackie?
487
00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:03,012
Yeah, I fucking heard
about Jackie.
488
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:04,287
I was living with him, moron.
489
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:06,122
Well, he left some boxes here.
490
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,749
Boxes of what?
491
00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:10,084
I don't know. Stuff? Junk?
I don't know.
492
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,669
What do you want me to do?
493
00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:13,188
I don't know. You want me
to dump 'em? I don't care.
494
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,590
Don't dump 'em.
I'll come by sometime this week.
495
00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:17,342
Okay, but they're
taking up space.
496
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:18,652
- Yeah, so are you.
- Hey, you looking
497
00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:20,303
for a new roommate?
498
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,305
I'm gonna watch TV.
499
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:23,973
Guys,
it's rock paper scissors.
500
00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:25,242
Each thing beats something else.
501
00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:26,559
It's a kid's game
for God's sake.
502
00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:28,019
But what if I chose heat?
503
00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:30,164
- Heat would melt the scissors.
- And burn the paper.
504
00:20:30,188 --> 00:20:32,065
So heat would beat
everything but rock.
505
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,816
Heat is not an option.
506
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,235
Water would rust the scissors
and ruin the paper.
507
00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:37,654
Are the scissors brass or steel?
508
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,156
How about we just
flip a coin, hmm?
509
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:44,953
And your hobbies are knitting,
needlepoint, and weaving?
510
00:20:45,036 --> 00:20:46,913
I own my own loom.
511
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:49,916
All right. Well, we'll put
that into column two.
512
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:52,919
Remember, we discussed this?
The after-marriage revelations?
513
00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:55,171
Mm-mm.
514
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,924
I promise you, Amelia, we will
find you the perfect mate.
515
00:20:58,007 --> 00:20:59,342
You think so?
516
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:00,718
I do.
517
00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:03,096
I really do.
518
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:05,282
Because every time I meet a man,
I never know what to say.
519
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,350
It doesn't matter what you say.
520
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:08,911
The man's not listening
to you anyhow.
521
00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:11,229
- Rose!
- Yes, Susie?
522
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:13,564
- My page is full.
- Well, then turn it over.
523
00:21:13,648 --> 00:21:16,025
- Both sides.
- What about the other pages?
524
00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:18,945
- All full.
- Then we will get you
more paper.
525
00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:20,530
All right, Amelia.
Tell your mother
526
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,949
the meeting went well, and
the address to send the check
527
00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:24,742
- is on the back of the card.
- Okay.
528
00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:27,078
Thank you.
529
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:29,205
I'm very excited.
530
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:34,335
Good? Was it good?
531
00:21:34,419 --> 00:21:37,213
Very good.
I need to use the restroom.
532
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:38,715
Susie? Tinkle time.
533
00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:40,925
- I already went.
- Rose?
534
00:21:41,009 --> 00:21:42,677
You'll have to delay
your break for a bit.
535
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,013
- You have a walk-in.
- Another one?
536
00:21:45,096 --> 00:21:46,431
Another two!
537
00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:48,933
Word of your prowess is
spreading like melancholia.
538
00:21:49,017 --> 00:21:51,144
My goodness,
it's all happening so fast.
539
00:21:51,227 --> 00:21:52,520
It's thrilling.
You already have
540
00:21:52,603 --> 00:21:54,439
three confirmed kills
this month.
541
00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:56,274
Three matches,
three engagements.
542
00:21:56,357 --> 00:21:58,609
So much goddamn happiness.
543
00:21:58,693 --> 00:22:00,486
Contain yourself.
We're in a tea room.
544
00:22:00,570 --> 00:22:02,196
People are steeping.
545
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,573
- Rose!
- What?
546
00:22:03,656 --> 00:22:06,325
I'm bored. I'm hungry.
I want to leave.
547
00:22:06,409 --> 00:22:07,577
I'm working, Susie.
548
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:08,995
We will leave when I'm done.
549
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,913
Ugh! Hate this!
550
00:22:10,997 --> 00:22:12,665
Get her some more paper,
will you?
551
00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:15,543
Of course. Question:
why is she here?
552
00:22:15,626 --> 00:22:16,979
A gentleman passed away
in her apartment.
553
00:22:17,003 --> 00:22:18,129
And she can't go back.
554
00:22:18,212 --> 00:22:20,381
Oh. Is he blocking
the door, or...?
555
00:22:20,465 --> 00:22:22,508
I don't know. Go get
the next person signed in?
556
00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,052
Yes. Of course.
557
00:22:24,135 --> 00:22:25,487
Mirabelle,
you're up next.
558
00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,764
She's getting your paper.
559
00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:29,932
You're a matchmaker, huh?
560
00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:32,202
- That's right.
- You really think
there's someone out there
561
00:22:32,226 --> 00:22:33,895
for that gorgon that just left?
562
00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:36,355
- Yes.
- She's got a hunchback.
563
00:22:36,439 --> 00:22:39,275
- I can fix that.
- Really?
You gonna blind the guy?
564
00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:41,778
Susie! This is a business.
565
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:43,672
Now you are my daughter's
manager and a plumber
566
00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:45,536
before that, so you should
understand business.
567
00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:47,700
I will send the gorgon
to my hairstylist,
568
00:22:47,784 --> 00:22:49,327
and she will fix her hair.
569
00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:50,850
And I will teach her
about foundation
570
00:22:50,912 --> 00:22:52,580
and mascara and lipstick
and deodorant,
571
00:22:52,663 --> 00:22:54,767
and we will get her a girdle,
and she will sit up straight,
572
00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:56,852
and we'll destroy her loom,
and she will have a husband.
573
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:59,921
Because there is someone
out there for everyone.
574
00:23:00,004 --> 00:23:01,714
What are you looking at me for?
575
00:23:01,798 --> 00:23:03,925
What's this?
576
00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:05,676
I ordered it for you.
577
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:07,762
For me? The whole thing?
578
00:23:07,845 --> 00:23:10,098
- Yes.
- And it's just whipped cream?
579
00:23:10,181 --> 00:23:12,100
And a spoon.
580
00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:14,685
And I can just eat it? It
doesn't have to go on anything?
581
00:23:14,769 --> 00:23:16,479
That's right.
582
00:23:16,562 --> 00:23:18,248
Rose Weissman,
I would follow you into hell.
583
00:23:18,272 --> 00:23:20,942
- That won't be necessary.
- Oh, hello.
584
00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:22,193
Yikes.
585
00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:23,694
- Susie!
- Sorry.
586
00:23:23,778 --> 00:23:25,822
You must be Mirabelle. I'm Rose.
587
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:27,782
What a lovely dress.
588
00:23:27,865 --> 00:23:30,493
What can I do for you?
589
00:23:37,667 --> 00:23:39,544
Ma, there's sweat
running down your neck.
590
00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:41,129
- Let it go.
- It's opening night.
591
00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:42,839
Why would I not wear my best?
592
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:44,590
It's 80 degrees out.
You're gonna melt.
593
00:23:44,674 --> 00:23:46,514
- Let it go.
- I want to be
buried in this coat.
594
00:23:46,551 --> 00:23:48,302
- That may happen tonight.
- Let it go.
595
00:23:48,386 --> 00:23:49,804
There they are.
596
00:24:05,027 --> 00:24:07,029
Follow me, everybody.
597
00:24:21,878 --> 00:24:24,130
Mr. Weissman. Welcome.
598
00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:26,841
I'm Gerald, the house manager.
Your tickets, sir.
599
00:24:26,924 --> 00:24:28,676
Thank you. Do you like my cape?
600
00:24:28,759 --> 00:24:30,469
It's very natty.
601
00:24:30,553 --> 00:24:32,138
Ma'am, would you like
to check your...
602
00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:33,806
Let her wear it.
603
00:24:33,890 --> 00:24:36,809
Anything else you need,
let me know.
604
00:24:36,893 --> 00:24:39,896
Okay, looks like we have
five in the orchestra
605
00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:42,815
and two in the mezzanine.
Here you go.
606
00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:45,359
We're sitting together?
607
00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:46,652
- Away from you guys?
- Yep.
608
00:24:46,736 --> 00:24:48,529
- No, no.
- Oh, hey.
609
00:24:48,613 --> 00:24:49,822
- Is there...? No.
- No, no.
610
00:24:49,906 --> 00:24:51,657
- No, no.
- Can we...? I, I, I...
611
00:24:51,741 --> 00:24:53,409
- I would love to maybe switch?
- No.
612
00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:55,387
- Or maybe I can sit with Midge?
- I want to sit with Midge.
613
00:24:55,411 --> 00:24:58,206
Yes? Midge?
Yes? Yes? Midge? Yes?
614
00:24:58,289 --> 00:25:01,292
Well, the five are
fifth row center, so...
615
00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:03,127
Damn.
616
00:25:03,211 --> 00:25:05,171
That's our cue, everybody.
Let's go in.
617
00:26:04,105 --> 00:26:05,898
A drink for you, sir?
618
00:26:05,982 --> 00:26:08,067
Are my feet on the ground?
619
00:26:08,150 --> 00:26:11,320
Oh, I want to see it again
and again and again and again.
620
00:26:11,404 --> 00:26:14,156
And that song
with the full orchestra, yowza!
621
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,325
Oh, there he is.
There's our Buzz.
622
00:26:16,409 --> 00:26:19,203
Ah, that is a very
big smile on that boy's face.
623
00:26:19,287 --> 00:26:20,663
Well, he's earned it.
624
00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:22,123
I remember
a couple of summers ago,
625
00:26:22,206 --> 00:26:23,833
it was the cutest thing.
626
00:26:23,916 --> 00:26:26,294
Buzz came up to me and said...
Kitty Carlisle Hart!
627
00:26:26,377 --> 00:26:28,296
- Who?
- What's that?
- It's Kitty Carlisle Hart!
628
00:26:28,379 --> 00:26:29,922
From To Tell The Truth.
629
00:26:30,006 --> 00:26:31,966
Oh, it's my favorite game show!
630
00:26:32,049 --> 00:26:33,301
Kitty! Kitty!
631
00:26:33,384 --> 00:26:34,927
Go get 'em, tiger!
632
00:26:35,011 --> 00:26:36,721
Wait! Wait, wait,
Kitty! Kitty!
633
00:26:36,804 --> 00:26:38,139
- Her?
- Kitty, wait, wait!
634
00:26:38,222 --> 00:26:39,765
- Her?
- Do you find her attractive?
635
00:26:39,849 --> 00:26:41,285
Rose, please don't feel
the need to...
636
00:26:41,309 --> 00:26:43,203
Oops. Never mind. Didn't see
the mole till she turned.
637
00:26:43,227 --> 00:26:45,354
Would you find her attractive
without the mole?
638
00:26:45,438 --> 00:26:47,648
I made two rounds of the place.
No sign of Susie.
639
00:26:47,732 --> 00:26:49,900
Good. Three songs in,
she pulled out a bag of Cheetos
640
00:26:49,984 --> 00:26:51,878
and told everyone who shushed
her they'll be dead someday.
641
00:26:51,902 --> 00:26:53,321
It's good she's gone.
642
00:26:53,404 --> 00:26:55,281
There they are.
The ones that got away.
643
00:26:55,364 --> 00:26:57,325
- Hi, Pauly.
- Hello, stranger.
644
00:26:57,408 --> 00:26:59,285
How are you, Pauly?
645
00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:01,704
Brokenhearted without you
at the resort this year.
646
00:27:01,787 --> 00:27:03,414
Maybe next year.
647
00:27:03,497 --> 00:27:04,832
How about our boy, huh?
648
00:27:04,915 --> 00:27:07,626
He had such big dreams,
but who knows from dreams.
649
00:27:07,710 --> 00:27:10,338
"A dreamer is one who can
only find his way by moonlight."
650
00:27:10,421 --> 00:27:12,590
- Oscar Wilde.
- And now look at me,
651
00:27:12,673 --> 00:27:15,009
a bigshot financial investor
in Buzz's dreams.
652
00:27:15,092 --> 00:27:16,969
Pauly, you macher!
653
00:27:17,053 --> 00:27:19,197
It's a small slice, but the
thing is, you hear that song,
654
00:27:19,221 --> 00:27:20,514
you take out your wallet.
655
00:27:20,598 --> 00:27:22,391
- Uh-huh.
- Miriam Maisel!
656
00:27:22,475 --> 00:27:25,186
- Look at you, all dolled up.
- Hello, Edie. Good to see you.
657
00:27:25,269 --> 00:27:27,980
I was just talking to someone.
658
00:27:28,064 --> 00:27:31,192
You were the star of this show
one year, weren't you?
659
00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:33,402
- Up at Steiner?
- Clare Landsburg,
660
00:27:33,486 --> 00:27:35,529
summer of '53, at your service.
661
00:27:35,613 --> 00:27:37,031
Then you got dumped, right?
662
00:27:37,114 --> 00:27:38,741
No, Edie.
663
00:27:38,824 --> 00:27:40,326
I wasn't dumped.
664
00:27:40,409 --> 00:27:42,370
Fired, whatever you want
to call it.
665
00:27:42,453 --> 00:27:44,789
It was just a fun vacation thing
I did one year.
666
00:27:44,872 --> 00:27:47,166
That's all.
I'm not an actress.
667
00:27:47,249 --> 00:27:49,877
Oh, you don't have to tell me.
I was there.
668
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,879
It's really good
to see you, Edie.
669
00:27:51,962 --> 00:27:53,547
- Hello. Love that hat.
- Oh, hi!
670
00:27:53,631 --> 00:27:55,508
That Kitty Carlisle Hart,
she's like Houdini!
671
00:27:55,591 --> 00:27:57,551
I cornered her in a stall
in the bathroom.
672
00:27:57,635 --> 00:28:00,012
But when I kicked the door open,
she wasn't there.
673
00:28:00,096 --> 00:28:02,223
But I got her shoe.
Everyone look for a limper.
674
00:28:02,306 --> 00:28:03,933
Abe, he's free.
675
00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:05,810
Oh, let's grab him while we can.
676
00:28:05,893 --> 00:28:07,353
There he is.
677
00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:10,064
Buzz, dear,
we are so proud of you.
678
00:28:10,147 --> 00:28:13,442
Oh! I loved everything about it.
679
00:28:13,526 --> 00:28:15,569
Oh, but that one character,
Iris.
680
00:28:15,653 --> 00:28:18,364
I mean, I hated her,
but I loved her, too.
681
00:28:18,447 --> 00:28:20,366
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Weissman.
682
00:28:20,449 --> 00:28:22,284
Uh, Abe, you didn't bring
your press hat.
683
00:28:22,368 --> 00:28:24,120
It clashed with my cape.
684
00:28:24,203 --> 00:28:26,330
Fun, right?
685
00:28:26,414 --> 00:28:28,165
It's amazing.
686
00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:30,584
I knew you
when you were a pisher.
687
00:28:30,668 --> 00:28:33,462
The kid who fell
into the lake on day one,
688
00:28:33,546 --> 00:28:35,256
holding a live mic.
689
00:28:35,339 --> 00:28:37,091
I like making a big entrance.
690
00:28:37,174 --> 00:28:39,552
Are you happy, Buzz? Be happy.
691
00:28:39,635 --> 00:28:43,097
I am.
It's the best night of my life.
692
00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:45,724
Hello, everyone.
Uh, can you hear me okay?
693
00:28:45,808 --> 00:28:47,893
- Yes!
- Yes? Very good.
694
00:28:47,977 --> 00:28:50,229
Thank you all
for coming tonight.
695
00:28:50,312 --> 00:28:52,148
For supporting our show.
696
00:28:52,231 --> 00:28:54,066
It means the world to us.
697
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:56,068
But let me bring the true
698
00:28:56,152 --> 00:28:58,237
star of the night
up here to speak.
699
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,823
The man who wrote the music,
the lyrics, the book...
700
00:29:00,906 --> 00:29:04,034
My friend, and yours,
Buzz Goldberg!
701
00:29:07,037 --> 00:29:09,123
Oh, thanks.
Uh, thanks, everyone.
702
00:29:09,206 --> 00:29:11,333
Ooh, it's a big night, um...
703
00:29:11,417 --> 00:29:13,586
I haven't breathed
since the curtain came up.
704
00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:15,546
Just breathe, Buzz, breathe.
705
00:29:15,629 --> 00:29:18,466
Um, thank you, Myron,
706
00:29:18,549 --> 00:29:20,718
for guiding the ship
and teaching me so much.
707
00:29:20,801 --> 00:29:24,638
And to our director,
Mr. George Abbott,
708
00:29:24,722 --> 00:29:27,016
I think you have a future
in this business, sir.
709
00:29:27,099 --> 00:29:30,019
And to my dramaturg
710
00:29:30,102 --> 00:29:32,605
and roommate, Kevin,
I owe you everything.
711
00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:34,607
Thank you, Kevin.
712
00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:36,817
And to the people
who inspired me so much,
713
00:29:36,901 --> 00:29:38,652
who inspired this show,
714
00:29:38,736 --> 00:29:41,655
my Steiner Resort family because
715
00:29:41,739 --> 00:29:44,950
you are just that... family.
716
00:29:45,034 --> 00:29:46,410
Steiner!
717
00:29:46,494 --> 00:29:48,412
Steiner! Steiner!
718
00:29:48,496 --> 00:29:50,581
We're finer, finer!
719
00:29:50,664 --> 00:29:52,041
Finer!
720
00:29:52,124 --> 00:29:53,626
Steiner! Steiner...
721
00:29:53,709 --> 00:29:55,336
I need to go.
My deadline's tonight.
722
00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:57,171
Go, go. We'll see you at home.
723
00:29:57,254 --> 00:29:58,839
Finer! Finer! Finer!
724
00:29:58,923 --> 00:30:01,342
Steiner!
725
00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:25,699
Two guitars.
726
00:30:26,659 --> 00:30:28,661
Jackie would've hated that.
727
00:30:29,703 --> 00:30:31,622
Hey.
728
00:30:31,705 --> 00:30:34,542
- You going to the opera
or something?
- Just get me Jackie's boxes.
729
00:30:38,212 --> 00:30:40,172
There's a couple others.
730
00:30:40,256 --> 00:30:42,258
This fell out of one of 'em.
731
00:30:49,306 --> 00:30:51,308
"Jacopo Dellapietra"?
732
00:30:51,392 --> 00:30:52,977
Jackie was in the Army?
733
00:30:53,060 --> 00:30:55,062
Don't know.
734
00:30:58,816 --> 00:31:00,734
A Bronze Star?
735
00:31:00,818 --> 00:31:02,820
Some kind of medal.
736
00:31:06,824 --> 00:31:08,826
Who's Darla?
737
00:31:18,252 --> 00:31:20,421
Abe Weissman, stop right there.
738
00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:22,506
Give me a 360.
739
00:31:24,049 --> 00:31:26,969
A cape is not an easy thing
to pull off, my friend.
740
00:31:27,052 --> 00:31:29,221
I make it look easy.
741
00:31:29,305 --> 00:31:31,390
- You ready to work?
- Oh, yes, I am.
742
00:31:31,473 --> 00:31:33,142
Sorry about the tight deadline.
743
00:31:33,225 --> 00:31:34,494
It's the way
it happens sometimes.
744
00:31:34,518 --> 00:31:36,228
Oh, I thrive on deadlines.
745
00:31:36,312 --> 00:31:37,831
I'll be downstairs
if you need me.
746
00:31:37,855 --> 00:31:39,565
You bet.
747
00:31:40,858 --> 00:31:43,527
Got it!
748
00:31:47,531 --> 00:31:48,824
What is this?
749
00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:51,076
My review.
750
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:52,911
"They Came, They Danced
opened last night
751
00:31:52,995 --> 00:31:54,747
at the Mark Hellinger Theatre.
752
00:31:54,830 --> 00:31:56,832
Your mother might like it."
753
00:31:58,500 --> 00:32:00,002
- I can't publish this.
- Why not?
754
00:32:00,085 --> 00:32:01,771
Well, for one, it's supposed
to be a thousand-word review
755
00:32:01,795 --> 00:32:03,148
and it's about a thousand
words short.
756
00:32:03,172 --> 00:32:05,090
I could add some adjectives.
757
00:32:05,174 --> 00:32:06,925
Abe, I need specifics.
758
00:32:07,009 --> 00:32:08,469
Specifics?
759
00:32:08,552 --> 00:32:10,322
If you think someone's mother
would like the show,
760
00:32:10,346 --> 00:32:12,181
then tell me
why you think someone's mother
761
00:32:12,264 --> 00:32:13,849
would like the show.
Do I really need
762
00:32:13,932 --> 00:32:15,684
- to tell you this?
- No, I know.
763
00:32:15,768 --> 00:32:17,853
But in this case,
I would really rather not...
764
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:19,938
get into all that.
765
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:22,232
- I'm sorry?
- Yeah.
766
00:32:22,316 --> 00:32:25,611
I just don't think specifics
are what people need.
767
00:32:25,694 --> 00:32:27,696
Or want.
768
00:32:27,780 --> 00:32:30,199
I don't know if you've ever done
any research on this,
769
00:32:30,282 --> 00:32:34,161
but I-I-I think
I'm right about this.
770
00:32:34,244 --> 00:32:36,038
Yeah.
771
00:32:36,121 --> 00:32:37,206
Abe...
772
00:32:37,289 --> 00:32:38,957
Okay, Gabe, here it is!
773
00:32:39,041 --> 00:32:41,460
The show was terrible, okay?
Terrible!
774
00:32:41,543 --> 00:32:43,629
I mean, a-a travesty.
775
00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:45,589
- Okay...
- They took a cute,
776
00:32:45,673 --> 00:32:48,092
charming musical,
conceived in the Catskills,
777
00:32:48,175 --> 00:32:50,594
cast with a fun group
of resort guests,
778
00:32:50,678 --> 00:32:52,318
all of whom were good,
except my daughter,
779
00:32:52,346 --> 00:32:54,765
and turned it into a bland,
780
00:32:54,848 --> 00:32:56,892
cynical, bloated
781
00:32:56,975 --> 00:33:00,354
three-hour piece
of contrived inanity!
782
00:33:00,437 --> 00:33:02,606
The costumes... terrible.
783
00:33:02,690 --> 00:33:04,817
The sets... terrible.
784
00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:07,861
The script... terrible.
It's got one song.
785
00:33:07,945 --> 00:33:09,738
- One song?
- That they reprise
786
00:33:09,822 --> 00:33:12,116
five different times,
because they know
787
00:33:12,199 --> 00:33:14,076
they only have one good song.
788
00:33:14,159 --> 00:33:16,453
They're duping
the audience, Gabe!
789
00:33:16,537 --> 00:33:19,206
And that kills me.
790
00:33:19,289 --> 00:33:21,375
Great! Write that down.
791
00:33:24,878 --> 00:33:27,005
We've known this kid ten years.
792
00:33:28,757 --> 00:33:31,093
I watched him fall into a lake.
793
00:33:31,176 --> 00:33:32,886
I pulled him out.
794
00:33:32,970 --> 00:33:34,513
Maybe you shouldn't have.
795
00:33:35,472 --> 00:33:36,974
Dark thought, I know.
796
00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:38,857
Okay, Abe, how about this?
Skip the specifics.
797
00:33:38,934 --> 00:33:41,395
Use the show to get
to the big picture...
798
00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:42,997
Your thoughts
on everything that's wrong
799
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:44,481
in the theater today.
800
00:33:44,565 --> 00:33:46,650
Get angry. Be personal.
801
00:33:46,734 --> 00:33:48,485
That's why we hired you, Abe.
802
00:33:48,569 --> 00:33:50,362
For your voice.
803
00:33:53,907 --> 00:33:55,909
Don't let them get duped.
804
00:34:15,262 --> 00:34:17,014
- You okay?
- Yeah.
805
00:34:17,097 --> 00:34:19,475
I just, you know, maybe I
should've worn something else.
806
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:21,477
- Like what?
- I don't know.
807
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:23,395
Like a dress.
808
00:34:23,479 --> 00:34:26,064
I don't... I can't...
I'm trying to picture...
809
00:34:26,148 --> 00:34:28,209
- Have you ever worn a dress?
- Of course I've worn a dress.
810
00:34:28,233 --> 00:34:30,068
- I was a baby once.
- Okay.
811
00:34:30,152 --> 00:34:31,862
- You know, helpless.
- Sorry.
812
00:34:31,945 --> 00:34:34,281
I was fucking adorable
in a dress.
813
00:34:37,326 --> 00:34:39,745
This way, I guess.
814
00:34:46,001 --> 00:34:48,670
- Did you get the time wrong?
- I did not get the time wrong.
815
00:34:48,754 --> 00:34:49,856
'Cause you have
a problem with time.
816
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:51,799
I did not get the time wrong.
817
00:34:51,882 --> 00:34:53,383
Susie, thank you for coming.
818
00:34:53,467 --> 00:34:54,903
Oh, yeah, sure.
Uh, Nancy, this is...
819
00:34:54,927 --> 00:34:56,512
You must be Miriam.
The comedian?
820
00:34:56,595 --> 00:34:58,889
Yes. I'm so sorry about Jackie.
821
00:34:58,972 --> 00:35:01,433
I'm really gonna miss him.
822
00:35:01,517 --> 00:35:03,453
You know, he sent me clippings
about you all the time.
823
00:35:03,477 --> 00:35:04,770
He was very proud.
824
00:35:04,853 --> 00:35:06,688
Oh, well...
825
00:35:06,772 --> 00:35:09,107
that's really sweet.
826
00:35:09,191 --> 00:35:11,401
- I saved you both seats, but...
- Where is everyone?
827
00:35:11,485 --> 00:35:14,321
Oh, well, I sent the word out.
I went through his phone book,
828
00:35:14,404 --> 00:35:16,240
and the monsignor made
some calls.
829
00:35:16,323 --> 00:35:18,200
Just didn't get much
of a response.
830
00:35:18,283 --> 00:35:20,410
Oh, excuse me.
831
00:35:21,453 --> 00:35:23,455
He saved my clippings.
832
00:35:25,958 --> 00:35:27,960
Chester.
833
00:35:29,670 --> 00:35:31,088
Chester!
834
00:35:32,256 --> 00:35:35,008
What the fuck?
835
00:35:35,092 --> 00:35:36,593
They have onion sandwiches.
836
00:35:36,677 --> 00:35:38,220
Sit.
837
00:35:38,303 --> 00:35:40,138
And don't breathe out.
838
00:35:41,306 --> 00:35:44,309
I didn't think
Jackie thought I was funny.
839
00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:48,522
Well, it's past 3:00 now,
840
00:35:48,605 --> 00:35:49,925
so we should
probably get started.
841
00:35:49,982 --> 00:35:52,484
- I'm keeping this.
- Welcome, everyone.
842
00:35:52,568 --> 00:35:54,288
I want to thank you all
for coming out today
843
00:35:54,319 --> 00:35:56,363
to say goodbye
to one of our favorite sons,
844
00:35:56,446 --> 00:36:00,617
Jacopo "Jackie" Dellapietra.
845
00:36:00,701 --> 00:36:01,910
I'm Monsignor Armanno Ricci
846
00:36:01,994 --> 00:36:03,787
of the Church
of the Sacred Heart of Jesus,
847
00:36:03,871 --> 00:36:05,330
the church that Jackie
848
00:36:05,414 --> 00:36:06,790
was so active in
all of his life.
849
00:36:06,874 --> 00:36:08,268
He went to church?
850
00:36:08,292 --> 00:36:10,586
I've known Jackie
since he was a little boy,
851
00:36:10,669 --> 00:36:12,897
and, well, I would be lying
if I said we didn't find a need
852
00:36:12,921 --> 00:36:15,549
to keep a tight lock
on the altar wine.
853
00:36:15,632 --> 00:36:17,092
Many a morning,
854
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:18,236
we found
that the blood of Christ
855
00:36:18,260 --> 00:36:20,095
had been replaced
with Dr Pepper.
856
00:36:25,434 --> 00:36:28,020
He was also the first one
to lend a hand.
857
00:36:28,103 --> 00:36:30,230
Now, I can't prove
that he was the one
858
00:36:30,314 --> 00:36:32,190
who built the new platform
for the manger scene
859
00:36:32,274 --> 00:36:34,151
when the old one
got destroyed by vandals,
860
00:36:34,234 --> 00:36:36,194
but I'll bet it was him.
861
00:36:36,278 --> 00:36:39,448
Lots of little stories
about Jackie I could share,
862
00:36:39,531 --> 00:36:41,700
but I think I'm going
to turn the podium over
863
00:36:41,783 --> 00:36:43,327
to someone
who's very special to him.
864
00:36:43,410 --> 00:36:47,706
Someone he always referred to
as one of his closest friends.
865
00:36:47,789 --> 00:36:49,291
Susie?
866
00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:52,711
That's you.
867
00:36:52,794 --> 00:36:54,755
No, he said
one of his closest friends.
868
00:36:54,838 --> 00:36:58,008
Well, unless another Susie
just walked in...
869
00:36:58,091 --> 00:37:01,470
Hey. Tits up.
870
00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:08,685
Uh, hi.
871
00:37:08,769 --> 00:37:10,771
Guess I'm Susie.
872
00:37:10,854 --> 00:37:12,481
And, um,
873
00:37:12,564 --> 00:37:15,692
Nancy asked me to talk,
874
00:37:15,776 --> 00:37:17,361
so...
875
00:37:20,197 --> 00:37:22,199
Fuck this.
876
00:37:22,282 --> 00:37:23,700
Follow me.
877
00:37:33,210 --> 00:37:35,587
Who is that?
878
00:37:38,298 --> 00:37:39,633
Hi.
879
00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:41,802
Sorry.
I'll just be a minute here.
880
00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:44,596
Supposed to say a few words
about Jackie Dellapietra,
881
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,182
who's over there across the hall
882
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:48,350
in the empty loser room.
883
00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:49,643
But, well, I just...
884
00:37:49,726 --> 00:37:51,812
I can't talk about him
to an empty room.
885
00:37:51,895 --> 00:37:53,021
That's not how it should go.
886
00:37:53,105 --> 00:37:54,898
That's not
how he should be remembered.
887
00:37:54,982 --> 00:37:56,376
Or not remembered.
'Cause apparently,
888
00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:58,860
no one remembered,
because nobody showed up.
889
00:37:58,944 --> 00:38:00,696
Except four people.
890
00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:03,198
Four people to send you off.
891
00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:05,075
Where the fuck was everyone?
892
00:38:06,868 --> 00:38:10,247
A man dies, you show up
at his funeral, right?
893
00:38:10,330 --> 00:38:11,957
This was Jackie.
894
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:13,542
Mean, he never hurt anyone.
895
00:38:13,625 --> 00:38:15,836
He just... He lived his life.
He did nice things.
896
00:38:15,919 --> 00:38:19,089
He fixed up my shitty apartment.
Put up curtains.
897
00:38:19,172 --> 00:38:21,717
He painted. He made stew.
898
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,969
He built whatever the hell
it was he built
899
00:38:24,052 --> 00:38:25,554
for the fucking monsignor
over there.
900
00:38:27,180 --> 00:38:29,599
Apparently, no one gave a shit.
901
00:38:29,683 --> 00:38:31,935
No one noticed.
902
00:38:32,019 --> 00:38:34,980
Fuck, I lived with the guy,
and I didn't notice.
903
00:38:35,063 --> 00:38:37,149
We slept very close.
904
00:38:37,232 --> 00:38:38,835
I mean, I knew personal things
about the guy.
905
00:38:38,859 --> 00:38:40,027
You know, he snores.
906
00:38:40,110 --> 00:38:41,987
Yeah, certain foods
did not agree with him.
907
00:38:42,070 --> 00:38:43,905
You kept the windows open
on those nights.
908
00:38:43,989 --> 00:38:45,699
I knew his laundry day.
909
00:38:45,782 --> 00:38:47,576
I knew when he cut his hair.
Shit like that.
910
00:38:47,659 --> 00:38:49,953
But I never knew him.
911
00:38:50,037 --> 00:38:52,372
Yeah, I never knew
he fought in the war.
912
00:38:52,456 --> 00:38:53,623
I never knew
913
00:38:53,707 --> 00:38:55,751
he got a medal for bravery.
914
00:38:55,834 --> 00:38:57,353
I mean,
they don't just hand those out.
915
00:38:57,377 --> 00:39:00,172
You got to get shot
or-or save somebody
916
00:39:00,255 --> 00:39:01,757
or blow up a fucking tank.
917
00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:04,801
A medal is a big deal!
918
00:39:04,885 --> 00:39:07,220
He collected Bazooka Joe comics.
919
00:39:07,304 --> 00:39:09,431
He kept the little ticket stubs
920
00:39:09,514 --> 00:39:10,766
to the opera.
921
00:39:10,849 --> 00:39:13,518
He had a baseball
signed by Babe Ruth.
922
00:39:13,602 --> 00:39:14,895
Can you fucking believe that?
923
00:39:14,978 --> 00:39:16,354
Jackie met Babe Ruth.
924
00:39:16,438 --> 00:39:18,398
And he kept it in a shoebox
like an asshole,
925
00:39:18,482 --> 00:39:20,233
but he had it.
926
00:39:20,317 --> 00:39:22,277
I mean, this guy lived a life,
927
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,738
and I never knew any of this.
928
00:39:26,740 --> 00:39:28,676
I mean, it was just a minute ago
I found out I was his friend.
929
00:39:28,700 --> 00:39:31,203
No, I'm sorry,
one of his closest friends.
930
00:39:31,286 --> 00:39:34,456
I had a close friend,
and I never knew it.
931
00:39:35,874 --> 00:39:37,501
And where the fuck is Darla?
932
00:39:37,584 --> 00:39:38,752
Hmm?
933
00:39:38,835 --> 00:39:40,253
She couldn't take off
one afternoon
934
00:39:40,337 --> 00:39:41,588
to come and pay her respects
935
00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:44,800
to a man she wrote
51 fucking idiotic letters to?
936
00:39:44,883 --> 00:39:47,135
A heart over every "I."
937
00:39:47,219 --> 00:39:49,596
What's so important
she couldn't take the time off
938
00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:51,807
to come and give this man
a proper send-off?
939
00:39:51,890 --> 00:39:53,350
She better be dead.
940
00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:56,853
You know
what I really don't understand?
941
00:39:56,937 --> 00:39:59,231
How is it a decent guy,
a guy who worked his ass off
942
00:39:59,314 --> 00:40:00,690
his entire life...
943
00:40:00,774 --> 00:40:02,609
How is it he could barely afford
944
00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:05,195
to sublet the corner
of my shithole apartment?
945
00:40:05,278 --> 00:40:08,281
I mean, he never caught a break.
946
00:40:08,365 --> 00:40:09,407
He never got ahead.
947
00:40:09,491 --> 00:40:11,493
How fucked-up is that?
948
00:40:11,576 --> 00:40:14,037
All these fucking horrible
assholes in the world
949
00:40:14,121 --> 00:40:17,082
that just get shit
handed to them.
950
00:40:17,165 --> 00:40:19,417
And this guy fought in a war.
He traveled.
951
00:40:19,501 --> 00:40:21,253
He... Oh,
he won a Lindy contest.
952
00:40:21,336 --> 00:40:24,172
I didn't know
Jackie could dance.
953
00:40:24,256 --> 00:40:27,092
Half the time, it didn't seem
like he could walk.
954
00:40:27,175 --> 00:40:29,136
But there is
a first-place ribbon
955
00:40:29,219 --> 00:40:32,472
sitting in this fucking
weather-beaten, rat-eaten,
956
00:40:32,556 --> 00:40:35,851
fucked-up, little box
that he shoved in a corner.
957
00:40:35,934 --> 00:40:39,020
A man's life. In a shitty box.
958
00:40:39,104 --> 00:40:41,439
A really good man's life.
959
00:40:42,899 --> 00:40:44,776
You know,
a man who deserved something,
960
00:40:44,860 --> 00:40:46,862
and he wound up
sprinkling sawdust
961
00:40:46,945 --> 00:40:48,405
on vomit at the Gaslight.
962
00:40:50,323 --> 00:40:53,034
Well, this can't continue, okay?
963
00:40:53,118 --> 00:40:54,578
I cannot stand by
964
00:40:54,661 --> 00:40:56,538
and watch this happen
to another poor slob,
965
00:40:56,621 --> 00:40:59,499
so I am dedicating the rest
of my miserable fucking life
966
00:40:59,583 --> 00:41:01,459
to finding
the Jackies of the world.
967
00:41:01,543 --> 00:41:03,837
The ones you walk by.
The ones you don't see.
968
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:06,089
The ones
who never catch a break.
969
00:41:06,173 --> 00:41:08,508
And I'm gonna make sure
that they never, ever end up
970
00:41:08,592 --> 00:41:11,094
in my fucking apartment!
971
00:41:13,889 --> 00:41:15,974
Oh, and I'm really sorry
about this lady.
972
00:41:16,057 --> 00:41:18,643
I'm sure she was very nice, too.
973
00:41:30,655 --> 00:41:32,616
- Boise. How are you?
- Busy.
974
00:41:32,699 --> 00:41:34,969
- Are things gonna go smoother tonight?
- - Hope so.
975
00:41:34,993 --> 00:41:36,995
There'll be a more accurate
run-of-show list?
976
00:41:37,078 --> 00:41:38,398
Maybe Philomena's
wire contraption
977
00:41:38,455 --> 00:41:40,224
- won't cause
any major head injuries.
- Run of show?
978
00:41:40,248 --> 00:41:42,209
- Yeah.
- Sexy Angel. Sexy Soviet Spy.
979
00:41:42,292 --> 00:41:43,769
- Sexy Angel. Sexy Spy.
- Roaring '20s. Pouty Poet.
980
00:41:43,793 --> 00:41:45,229
- Roaring '20s.
Pouty... Pouty what?
- Cleopatra. Harem Girl.
981
00:41:45,253 --> 00:41:46,856
- Harem Girl. Slow down.
- Sexy Nurse.
Cancan Mademoiselle.
982
00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:48,232
- Sexy something.
Cancan Mademoiselle.
- Rising Venus.
983
00:41:48,256 --> 00:41:49,901
- Rosie the Riveter.
- You didn't make a list, huh?
984
00:41:49,925 --> 00:41:50,842
- Sailor Girl. China Doll.
Sleeping Beauty.
- Rosie Doll.
985
00:41:50,926 --> 00:41:52,206
Sailor Girl.
Boise, Boise, Boise,
986
00:41:52,260 --> 00:41:54,140
I can't memorize all that.
Write it down for me.
987
00:41:54,179 --> 00:41:56,181
I thought I recognized
that unique combination
988
00:41:56,264 --> 00:41:57,641
of lilt and intensity.
989
00:42:02,771 --> 00:42:03,915
What the hell
are you doing here?
990
00:42:03,939 --> 00:42:05,565
Oh, well,
I hate to steal your line,
991
00:42:05,649 --> 00:42:07,043
but what the hell
are you doing here?
992
00:42:07,067 --> 00:42:08,818
You have to leave.
I'm about to go on.
993
00:42:08,902 --> 00:42:11,112
Oh, shit. Are you stripping now?
994
00:42:11,196 --> 00:42:12,989
I knew the Shy Baldwin thing
was tough,
995
00:42:13,073 --> 00:42:15,158
- but there's nicer places.
- I'm the comic.
996
00:42:15,242 --> 00:42:18,078
- Here?
- Yes. And I'm about to go on.
997
00:42:18,161 --> 00:42:21,122
And I'm still honing
and experimenting, so go away.
998
00:42:21,206 --> 00:42:22,499
- You want me to go away?
- Yes.
999
00:42:22,582 --> 00:42:23,875
Because
I would make you nervous.
1000
00:42:23,959 --> 00:42:25,919
You would make me nervous.
1001
00:42:26,002 --> 00:42:27,712
Don't smile. Bad smile.
1002
00:42:27,796 --> 00:42:30,173
I got a story for you.
Back in high school...
1003
00:42:30,257 --> 00:42:32,592
Mepham High in Bellmore,
out on Long Island...
1004
00:42:32,676 --> 00:42:34,261
I took this speech class.
1005
00:42:34,344 --> 00:42:36,221
One day,
the teacher stands me up
1006
00:42:36,304 --> 00:42:38,139
in front of everybody
and gives me a topic.
1007
00:42:38,223 --> 00:42:40,433
Zoos. Are they good or bad?
Some shit like that.
1008
00:42:40,517 --> 00:42:42,018
I was supposed to be
against them.
1009
00:42:42,102 --> 00:42:45,230
Told me to take five full
minutes to make my case. Now,
1010
00:42:45,313 --> 00:42:47,524
I'm feeling fairly confident
about the subject,
1011
00:42:47,607 --> 00:42:49,067
so I start my little spiel,
1012
00:42:49,150 --> 00:42:51,444
going on about how animals
shouldn't be in cages
1013
00:42:51,528 --> 00:42:52,728
and how we're the real animals
1014
00:42:52,779 --> 00:42:54,131
for putting them there
in the first place...
1015
00:42:54,155 --> 00:42:55,424
- Mm-hmm.
- When all of a sudden,
1016
00:42:55,448 --> 00:42:57,575
I get beaned in the head
by an eraser.
1017
00:42:57,659 --> 00:43:01,121
I check to see who threw it,
and it was the fucking teacher.
1018
00:43:01,204 --> 00:43:02,956
Now, I'm surprised,
to say the least,
1019
00:43:03,039 --> 00:43:05,458
but I continue my little speech
with a masterful segue
1020
00:43:05,542 --> 00:43:08,295
into the science of evolution
and how we're no less animal
1021
00:43:08,378 --> 00:43:09,647
than any other
of God's creatures...
1022
00:43:09,671 --> 00:43:11,506
That is, if God exists;
I threw that in...
1023
00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:14,759
When another fucking eraser
hits me in the fucking head.
1024
00:43:14,843 --> 00:43:16,594
And it's like that
every ten seconds
1025
00:43:16,678 --> 00:43:17,971
for the rest of my speech.
1026
00:43:18,054 --> 00:43:20,307
Something coming at my head.
Erasers, chalk,
1027
00:43:20,390 --> 00:43:21,975
crumpled paper,
a half-eaten apple.
1028
00:43:22,058 --> 00:43:24,311
But I soldier on and get through
the five minutes.
1029
00:43:24,394 --> 00:43:27,439
Afterwards, I ask my teacher,
"What was that all about?"
1030
00:43:27,522 --> 00:43:29,441
And she says, "Mr. Schneider."
1031
00:43:29,524 --> 00:43:31,151
For I was Schneider at the time.
1032
00:43:31,234 --> 00:43:33,486
"Mr. Schneider,
I was simply training you
1033
00:43:33,570 --> 00:43:34,696
to block out distractions.
1034
00:43:34,779 --> 00:43:36,489
It's your job to stay focused
1035
00:43:36,573 --> 00:43:38,950
despite whatever's coming
at you, and you did good."
1036
00:43:39,034 --> 00:43:40,618
This seemed like bullshit
at the time,
1037
00:43:40,702 --> 00:43:43,288
but it turned out to be
a very valuable lesson.
1038
00:43:43,371 --> 00:43:45,290
It trained me for what I do now.
1039
00:43:45,373 --> 00:43:48,168
So, tonight, Mrs. Maisel,
1040
00:43:48,251 --> 00:43:51,713
your version of erasers
and chalk and half-eaten apples
1041
00:43:51,796 --> 00:43:53,882
will be me staying for your gig.
1042
00:43:53,965 --> 00:43:55,759
No. This isn't Bellmore.
1043
00:43:55,842 --> 00:43:57,302
Everything is Bellmore.
1044
00:43:57,385 --> 00:43:59,637
Mrs. Maisel.
Time to start the show.
1045
00:43:59,721 --> 00:44:01,681
I think it's time
to start the show.
1046
00:44:01,765 --> 00:44:04,142
Fine. Stay. But do not sit
where I can see you.
1047
00:44:04,225 --> 00:44:05,977
Oh, now I'm definitely gonna sit
1048
00:44:06,061 --> 00:44:07,312
where you can see me.
1049
00:44:07,395 --> 00:44:10,357
Shit.
1050
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:12,942
Mrs. Maisel!
1051
00:44:13,026 --> 00:44:15,236
All right!
1052
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:17,655
- Hello.
- Hello there,
1053
00:44:17,739 --> 00:44:19,407
not many ladies
and many gentlemen.
1054
00:44:19,491 --> 00:44:23,078
I'm Mrs. Maisel, your host
and guide for the evening.
1055
00:44:23,161 --> 00:44:25,497
Bravo.
1056
00:44:25,580 --> 00:44:28,124
This is a very weird job I have.
I'm a woman
1057
00:44:28,208 --> 00:44:29,435
who comes out here
to make men laugh
1058
00:44:29,459 --> 00:44:31,020
who are here to see women
take their clothes off.
1059
00:44:32,337 --> 00:44:33,838
Easier job for a man.
1060
00:44:35,757 --> 00:44:37,342
Yeah!
1061
00:44:37,425 --> 00:44:39,969
And a tricky balancing act
for me.
1062
00:44:40,053 --> 00:44:41,930
But not as tricky an act
as Sandy,
1063
00:44:42,013 --> 00:44:43,848
our stripping contortionist,
1064
00:44:43,932 --> 00:44:45,975
who uses
a common household plunger
1065
00:44:46,059 --> 00:44:48,079
to balance her... Nah,
I'm not gonna spoil it for you.
1066
00:44:48,103 --> 00:44:49,330
Just don't leave
before seeing it.
1067
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:55,485
And what am I supposed to talk
about in between strippers, huh?
1068
00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:56,820
Baseball?
1069
00:44:56,903 --> 00:44:59,406
Kittens? Grandparents?
1070
00:45:01,491 --> 00:45:02,927
I mean, how do you keep
a starving man's interest
1071
00:45:02,951 --> 00:45:04,553
when you're performing
between a chocolate doughnut
1072
00:45:04,577 --> 00:45:06,079
and a cheeseburger?
1073
00:45:08,123 --> 00:45:12,001
Not that you're all
paying attention to me.
1074
00:45:12,085 --> 00:45:14,003
See these guys right here?
1075
00:45:14,087 --> 00:45:16,506
These guys are ignoring me
1076
00:45:16,589 --> 00:45:18,341
and just talking to each other.
1077
00:45:18,425 --> 00:45:20,009
What are they talking about?
1078
00:45:20,093 --> 00:45:22,178
Just the stuff you'd expect
at a joint like this.
1079
00:45:22,262 --> 00:45:25,932
I can hear them, so let me
recreate the conversation.
1080
00:45:26,015 --> 00:45:28,184
"You know what I hate worse
than being stuck in traffic
1081
00:45:28,268 --> 00:45:29,936
when you got to piss real bad?
1082
00:45:30,019 --> 00:45:32,230
The fact that Aristotle
relied so much
1083
00:45:32,313 --> 00:45:34,113
on opinions based
on nonscientific reasoning."
1084
00:45:34,149 --> 00:45:36,776
"I disagree. I believe a person
can reason perfectly well
1085
00:45:36,860 --> 00:45:38,254
in circumstances
where we cannot claim
1086
00:45:38,278 --> 00:45:39,505
to have
scientific understanding,
1087
00:45:39,529 --> 00:45:41,364
so I defend
the philosopher Aristotle."
1088
00:45:41,448 --> 00:45:44,117
"Jesus Christ,
you and your fucking Aristotle.
1089
00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:46,494
It's Aristotle this
and Aristotle that."
1090
00:45:46,578 --> 00:45:48,848
"You know, he buggered young
boys." "It was a different time,
1091
00:45:48,872 --> 00:45:50,433
don't you know.
You can't apply modern standards
1092
00:45:50,457 --> 00:45:51,457
to ancient figures."
1093
00:45:51,499 --> 00:45:52,834
Sidebar. "Gee, Miriam Maisel,
1094
00:45:52,917 --> 00:45:54,270
how do you even know
all this stuff about Aristotle?
1095
00:45:54,294 --> 00:45:56,087
You seem very girly
with your pretty makeup
1096
00:45:56,171 --> 00:45:58,232
and your fashionable hairstyle
and your Park Avenue heels."
1097
00:45:58,256 --> 00:46:00,317
And I say, "Well, my father
would read Aristotle to me
1098
00:46:00,341 --> 00:46:01,485
as a child, and I absorbed facts
1099
00:46:01,509 --> 00:46:02,736
about the old fart
even though I don't know
1100
00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:04,113
what the fuck
any of it fucking means."
1101
00:46:04,137 --> 00:46:06,181
Didn't mean to interrupt.
1102
00:46:07,223 --> 00:46:08,725
Thank you!
1103
00:46:10,143 --> 00:46:12,437
See you in a few.
1104
00:46:33,416 --> 00:46:35,418
Now that I'm here,
looking at little Akiva,
1105
00:46:35,502 --> 00:46:38,671
- I still have no fucking idea
who that kid is.
- Me, neither.
1106
00:46:38,755 --> 00:46:40,733
- And they got me going last in order.
- - Shh.
1107
00:46:40,757 --> 00:46:43,009
- It's the best spot.
- Mystery.
1108
00:46:43,092 --> 00:46:44,844
Oh, there's Stevie.
1109
00:46:46,721 --> 00:46:48,264
Maybe she didn't recognize us.
1110
00:46:48,348 --> 00:46:50,350
No, she recognized us.
1111
00:46:50,433 --> 00:46:53,937
Look, out of respect for you,
I want you to know.
1112
00:46:54,020 --> 00:46:55,647
This? You and me?
1113
00:46:55,730 --> 00:46:57,524
I'm not in the market right now.
1114
00:46:57,607 --> 00:46:59,817
No matter what Rose Weissman
or my mother told you.
1115
00:46:59,901 --> 00:47:01,194
It's not gonna happen.
1116
00:47:01,277 --> 00:47:04,405
Excuse me. Buddy,
do we have a problem here?
1117
00:47:04,489 --> 00:47:06,282
No. No problem.
1118
00:47:06,366 --> 00:47:08,326
Then leave my wife alone?
1119
00:47:08,409 --> 00:47:11,329
Oh. Sure. Sorry.
1120
00:47:11,412 --> 00:47:13,957
And good Shabbas, by the way.
1121
00:47:19,254 --> 00:47:22,131
Abe, are you noticing
anything odd in here today?
1122
00:47:22,215 --> 00:47:24,759
Hmm? Not me.
1123
00:47:24,842 --> 00:47:27,428
From the diaphragm, Moishe-y.
1124
00:47:27,512 --> 00:47:28,596
From the diaphragm.
1125
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,808
We now call to the bimah
for the final aliyah...
1126
00:47:31,891 --> 00:47:33,810
Navi Ben Nasan.
1127
00:47:36,187 --> 00:47:38,481
- What the hell?
- He must have got it wrong.
1128
00:47:38,565 --> 00:47:40,483
He read off the card.
The man has a card.
1129
00:47:40,567 --> 00:47:42,026
- It was on the card.
- Mr. Maisel.
1130
00:47:42,110 --> 00:47:44,445
Hi. I'm Akiva's mom.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
1131
00:47:44,529 --> 00:47:46,114
Some signals got crossed
on our end.
1132
00:47:46,197 --> 00:47:47,949
Akiva mumbles.
We're working on that.
1133
00:47:48,032 --> 00:47:49,635
Oh, sure, sure.
I figured something happened.
1134
00:47:49,659 --> 00:47:50,928
I mean,
my son wouldn't even be able
1135
00:47:50,952 --> 00:47:52,221
to pick you out of a lineup.
1136
00:47:52,245 --> 00:47:53,580
Hope you didn't practice
too hard.
1137
00:47:53,663 --> 00:47:55,665
Not at all, actually.
Thanks for the heads-up.
1138
00:47:55,748 --> 00:47:58,918
- Thank you.
- He couldn't pick you
out of a lineup?
1139
00:47:59,002 --> 00:48:00,461
Little prick.
1140
00:48:04,465 --> 00:48:06,384
- You call that a voice?
- Pop, shh.
1141
00:48:11,806 --> 00:48:15,226
Abe, the rabbi.
1142
00:48:15,310 --> 00:48:17,687
I'm seeing your point now.
1143
00:48:17,770 --> 00:48:19,522
So it's not just me.
1144
00:48:21,024 --> 00:48:23,610
Akiva, you did a wonderful job.
1145
00:48:23,693 --> 00:48:26,696
Now, before we proceed
with Hagbah,
1146
00:48:26,779 --> 00:48:29,824
please tell everyone here
about your Torah portion.
1147
00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:32,827
In one word, what is it about?
1148
00:48:32,910 --> 00:48:34,495
Bravery.
1149
00:48:34,579 --> 00:48:35,872
Yes, well, uh,
1150
00:48:35,955 --> 00:48:39,500
bravery is very interesting,
Akiva, and very noble.
1151
00:48:39,584 --> 00:48:43,129
But is it as important as...
1152
00:48:43,212 --> 00:48:45,590
loyalty?
1153
00:48:45,673 --> 00:48:47,175
I-I guess.
1154
00:48:47,258 --> 00:48:48,760
Papa, what did you do
to the rabbi?
1155
00:48:48,843 --> 00:48:51,512
- I did nothing to the rabbi.
- But, um,
1156
00:48:51,596 --> 00:48:53,306
no one's braver
than my Uncle Saul.
1157
00:48:53,389 --> 00:48:55,224
He helped liberate
the Jews of Auschwitz
1158
00:48:55,308 --> 00:48:58,436
and now owns three restaurants,
one of them dine-in.
1159
00:48:58,519 --> 00:49:01,648
But one must keep in mind
how important it is
1160
00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:03,232
for a community such as ours
1161
00:49:03,316 --> 00:49:06,569
to be loyal to each other.
1162
00:49:09,989 --> 00:49:11,991
Do I have something on my shirt?
1163
00:49:12,075 --> 00:49:13,534
Shame on you, Abe Weissman.
1164
00:49:13,618 --> 00:49:16,204
- What did I do?
- Poor, innocent Buzz.
1165
00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:17,705
Oh.
1166
00:49:17,789 --> 00:49:19,415
What did you do to Buzz?
1167
00:49:19,499 --> 00:49:21,334
Your husband
killed his show.
1168
00:49:21,417 --> 00:49:25,380
Wrote horrible things about it
in that farkakte paper of his.
1169
00:49:25,463 --> 00:49:27,924
It was the boy's life's work.
1170
00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:31,010
The Village Voice
is not my paper.
1171
00:49:31,094 --> 00:49:33,721
- Papa, what did you write?
- I wrote what I saw.
1172
00:49:33,805 --> 00:49:35,199
Schmuck.
1173
00:49:35,223 --> 00:49:37,058
You should be ashamed,
Abe Weissman.
1174
00:49:37,141 --> 00:49:38,810
Look, people,
1175
00:49:38,893 --> 00:49:41,270
I am a journalist.
1176
00:49:41,354 --> 00:49:44,273
And sometimes, writing
a bad review is part of my job.
1177
00:49:44,357 --> 00:49:46,776
It's what I owe the public.
1178
00:49:46,859 --> 00:49:49,362
So, please,
let's have some respect
1179
00:49:49,445 --> 00:49:53,074
and give the floor back
to Rabbi Huebsche.
1180
00:49:53,157 --> 00:49:54,701
What's more important, Abraham,
1181
00:49:54,784 --> 00:49:57,662
- your public or your people?
- Yeah!
1182
00:49:57,745 --> 00:50:00,623
We escaped the jaws of Hitler
for this?
1183
00:50:00,707 --> 00:50:03,584
Slander. That's what he wrote.
Lies and slander!
1184
00:50:03,668 --> 00:50:06,003
Abe, what is this review?
What did you write?
1185
00:50:06,087 --> 00:50:08,673
Here. See for yourself.
1186
00:50:08,756 --> 00:50:11,384
I talked to Buzz last night,
and he was inconsolable.
1187
00:50:11,467 --> 00:50:13,761
Says he wished he'd drowned
in the lake that day.
1188
00:50:13,845 --> 00:50:16,097
He would have
if I hadn't saved him.
1189
00:50:16,180 --> 00:50:17,658
- Just to kill him again?
- "To watch
1190
00:50:17,682 --> 00:50:20,351
They Came, They Danced
is to reside in hell.
1191
00:50:20,435 --> 00:50:22,729
I felt an anger and despair
I had not felt
1192
00:50:22,812 --> 00:50:24,105
since I was a young man
realizing
1193
00:50:24,188 --> 00:50:27,066
that the American dream
came with an enormous asterisk."
1194
00:50:27,150 --> 00:50:29,152
- Oh, Papa.
- What?
1195
00:50:29,235 --> 00:50:32,905
I'm paid to speak the truth.
I'm paid to be honest.
1196
00:50:32,989 --> 00:50:34,133
Were you this honest
when your daughter
1197
00:50:34,157 --> 00:50:35,491
stunk up the show in '53?
1198
00:50:35,575 --> 00:50:37,803
Now, once and for all, people,
1199
00:50:37,827 --> 00:50:39,495
I may not be Mary Martin
or Jessica Tandy,
1200
00:50:39,579 --> 00:50:42,957
but I was a decent Clare,
and I did not stink up the show.
1201
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:45,001
My singing isn't perfect,
but in musical theater,
1202
00:50:45,084 --> 00:50:47,086
character is more important
than technique.
1203
00:50:47,170 --> 00:50:48,713
Abe Weissman,
1204
00:50:48,796 --> 00:50:51,340
you stood there,
sipping champagne,
1205
00:50:51,424 --> 00:50:54,010
making small talk,
quoting Oscar Wilde,
1206
00:50:54,093 --> 00:50:56,512
hugging Buzz, toasting Buzz,
1207
00:50:56,596 --> 00:50:59,807
all while holding the knife
of Cain behind your back.
1208
00:50:59,891 --> 00:51:02,435
Oh, Pauly, don't be so dramatic.
1209
00:51:02,518 --> 00:51:03,704
You're the only one
who can speak truth?
1210
00:51:03,728 --> 00:51:05,021
Truth, huh? Truth?
1211
00:51:05,104 --> 00:51:07,190
Well, there's nothing
in the Hebrew Bible
1212
00:51:07,273 --> 00:51:10,067
indicating that Cain killed Abel
with a knife.
1213
00:51:10,151 --> 00:51:11,569
So much for your truth.
1214
00:51:11,652 --> 00:51:13,237
Yes, there is.
The Book of Genesis.
1215
00:51:13,321 --> 00:51:14,530
Cain killed Abel.
1216
00:51:14,614 --> 00:51:16,699
And it's implied
it was with a knife.
1217
00:51:16,783 --> 00:51:17,950
Rabbi, chime in here.
1218
00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:19,494
The Torah says that Cain
1219
00:51:19,577 --> 00:51:21,704
- was a worker of the ground.
- Exactly.
1220
00:51:21,788 --> 00:51:25,541
So it was most likely a hoe
or a trowel.
1221
00:51:25,625 --> 00:51:27,376
He didn't carry a knife.
1222
00:51:27,460 --> 00:51:28,660
And not that you care,
1223
00:51:28,711 --> 00:51:31,464
but my hard-earned nest egg
is kaput.
1224
00:51:31,547 --> 00:51:33,716
You said you invested
a small slice, Pauly.
1225
00:51:33,800 --> 00:51:35,384
Don't exaggerate for effect.
1226
00:51:35,468 --> 00:51:37,261
Small for the show, big for me.
1227
00:51:37,345 --> 00:51:38,785
You know,
the show was not very good.
1228
00:51:38,846 --> 00:51:40,157
What are you talking about?
1229
00:51:40,181 --> 00:51:43,434
- Maybe it was good.
- I was nice in this review.
1230
00:51:43,518 --> 00:51:47,271
I very kindly used the show
to talk about the rot
1231
00:51:47,355 --> 00:51:49,106
at the heart
of the American theater
1232
00:51:49,190 --> 00:51:51,025
instead of listing
all its faults.
1233
00:51:51,108 --> 00:51:52,276
What about the song?
1234
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:55,238
It has one good song. That's it.
1235
00:51:55,321 --> 00:51:59,033
You can't have a musical
with one good song.
1236
00:51:59,116 --> 00:52:00,785
And I don't know why you're
1237
00:52:00,868 --> 00:52:03,371
on their side. That character
you loved to hate?
1238
00:52:03,454 --> 00:52:06,582
The rude, hectoring busybody?
It's you.
1239
00:52:06,666 --> 00:52:09,085
- I beg your pardon.
- Her name
1240
00:52:09,168 --> 00:52:11,170
was Iris. Rose, Iris.
1241
00:52:11,254 --> 00:52:13,464
She sipped sherry,
1242
00:52:13,548 --> 00:52:15,633
had a fortune-teller, two kids.
1243
00:52:15,716 --> 00:52:18,427
You ruined the show,
and now you've ruined
1244
00:52:18,511 --> 00:52:21,180
- poor Akiva's bar mitzvah.
- Yeah.
1245
00:52:21,264 --> 00:52:23,683
I wish I hadn't invited you,
Mr. Weissman.
1246
00:52:23,766 --> 00:52:25,486
No offense,
but there were a lot of problems
1247
00:52:25,560 --> 00:52:27,621
- with your invite list, kid.
- So you didn't like it.
1248
00:52:27,645 --> 00:52:29,480
Fine. You have to kill it
for everyone else?
1249
00:52:29,564 --> 00:52:31,333
It's a nice little show.
It isn't doing any harm.
1250
00:52:31,357 --> 00:52:34,443
It is. Because out there,
there's a great show
1251
00:52:34,527 --> 00:52:37,905
that isn't getting the resources
it needs to be seen.
1252
00:52:37,989 --> 00:52:39,949
- What show?
- What do you mean,
1253
00:52:40,032 --> 00:52:41,450
- what show?
- What show?
1254
00:52:41,534 --> 00:52:43,011
What's this great show
that's sitting out there
1255
00:52:43,035 --> 00:52:44,495
with no resources and no money?
1256
00:52:44,579 --> 00:52:46,289
There's ten shows out there
1257
00:52:46,372 --> 00:52:49,000
that could use resources.
Twenty.
1258
00:52:49,083 --> 00:52:50,563
- What are the 20 shows?
- He's saying
1259
00:52:50,626 --> 00:52:52,771
that if you give to one thing,
you're taking from another.
1260
00:52:52,795 --> 00:52:54,797
This from the girl
who stunk up the Catskills
1261
00:52:54,881 --> 00:52:56,674
- with her ham acting.
- Who said that?!
1262
00:52:56,757 --> 00:52:59,093
Don't hide! Who said that?!
1263
00:52:59,176 --> 00:53:01,053
Stop, everybody. Stop.
1264
00:53:02,096 --> 00:53:03,472
I am a distraction.
1265
00:53:03,556 --> 00:53:06,309
And, apparently,
an enemy of the people.
1266
00:53:06,392 --> 00:53:08,269
So I will leave
1267
00:53:08,352 --> 00:53:10,605
so that you can carry on
with your ceremony.
1268
00:53:13,649 --> 00:53:17,278
But there is something you all
need to know going forward.
1269
00:53:17,361 --> 00:53:20,156
You are the frog.
1270
00:53:20,239 --> 00:53:23,075
I am the scorpion.
1271
00:53:23,159 --> 00:53:27,079
I sting because it is my nature.
1272
00:53:35,046 --> 00:53:37,632
Damn, I wish I had my cape.
1273
00:53:39,133 --> 00:53:41,260
So what
if I make demands?
1274
00:53:41,344 --> 00:53:44,347
I mean, how hard is it
to make room-temperature water?
1275
00:53:44,430 --> 00:53:46,349
It's the temperature
of the room.
1276
00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:48,351
Hey, do we know a Mr. Fibbi?
1277
00:53:48,434 --> 00:53:50,269
Fibbi?
What kind of name is that?
1278
00:53:50,353 --> 00:53:53,564
It says, "4:30. Mr. Fibbi
called. Will call back."
1279
00:53:53,648 --> 00:53:54,815
Doesn't ring a bell.
1280
00:53:54,899 --> 00:53:57,151
Zelda never takes
the first name.
1281
00:53:57,234 --> 00:53:58,569
I keep telling her to do that.
1282
00:53:58,653 --> 00:54:00,905
The staff at Steiner
always seemed so happy
1283
00:54:00,988 --> 00:54:03,032
to have
their mistakes corrected.
1284
00:54:03,115 --> 00:54:05,493
And there is a certain way
to cut a grapefruit.
1285
00:54:05,576 --> 00:54:08,037
God made those segments
for a reason.
1286
00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:10,581
- Hello?
- Abe. It's Asher.
1287
00:54:10,665 --> 00:54:13,125
Asher. This is a surprise.
1288
00:54:13,209 --> 00:54:16,504
Really? I'm a little surprised
that you're surprised.
1289
00:54:16,587 --> 00:54:18,798
- Why?
- Well,
1290
00:54:18,881 --> 00:54:21,634
a friend sent me
this thing you wrote
1291
00:54:21,717 --> 00:54:23,386
in the, uh, Village Voice.
1292
00:54:23,469 --> 00:54:27,223
You review a show.
They Came, They Danced.
1293
00:54:27,306 --> 00:54:29,767
- Sounds like a piece of shit.
- That's putting it mildly.
1294
00:54:29,850 --> 00:54:33,145
And then you got
a little nostalgic at the end
1295
00:54:33,229 --> 00:54:34,939
with the asterisk
and the American dream,
1296
00:54:35,022 --> 00:54:37,316
which segued very nicely
1297
00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:40,695
into something the two of us did
back in the '20s.
1298
00:54:40,778 --> 00:54:42,446
My editor likes me
to get personal.
1299
00:54:42,530 --> 00:54:43,948
Oh, sure.
1300
00:54:44,031 --> 00:54:47,660
But did he like the fact
that you fingered the two of us
1301
00:54:47,743 --> 00:54:50,413
for a federal fucking crime,
Abe?!
1302
00:54:50,496 --> 00:54:53,165
- What are you talking about?
- The nifty little paragraph
1303
00:54:53,249 --> 00:54:55,001
about art and anarchy
1304
00:54:55,084 --> 00:54:57,253
where you describe very vividly
1305
00:54:57,336 --> 00:55:00,881
how you and I
set a federal building on fire.
1306
00:55:00,965 --> 00:55:03,634
Oh, that was years ago.
No one cares.
1307
00:55:03,718 --> 00:55:06,012
- The FBI does.
- What?
1308
00:55:06,095 --> 00:55:08,889
They want to see us in the
New York field office next week.
1309
00:55:08,973 --> 00:55:10,891
The FBI hasn't contacted me.
1310
00:55:10,975 --> 00:55:12,727
They will. Trust me.
1311
00:55:12,810 --> 00:55:14,437
So kiss your loved ones goodbye
1312
00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:16,920
and grab your toothbrush, Abe,
because you and I are gonna be
1313
00:55:16,981 --> 00:55:18,858
breaking rocks at Leavenworth.
1314
00:55:18,941 --> 00:55:20,359
Which is gonna be hell
on my gout.
1315
00:55:20,443 --> 00:55:21,736
- See you in New York.
- Asher...
1316
00:55:36,834 --> 00:55:38,544
Mr. Fibbi.
1317
00:56:10,076 --> 00:56:12,161
To Jackie.
1318
00:56:12,244 --> 00:56:14,914
A man who didn't
suffer fools gladly
1319
00:56:14,997 --> 00:56:17,750
and thought everyone was a fool.
1320
00:56:17,833 --> 00:56:20,544
A man whose love of ocarinas
summed up his total
1321
00:56:20,628 --> 00:56:22,129
lack of musical taste.
1322
00:56:22,213 --> 00:56:24,924
A man who borrowed ten bucks
from me the day before he died,
1323
00:56:25,007 --> 00:56:27,510
because somehow he knew.
1324
00:56:30,054 --> 00:56:32,181
A man who knew how to drive me
crazier than any person
1325
00:56:32,264 --> 00:56:34,266
in this fucking world,
except you.
1326
00:56:36,060 --> 00:56:38,938
A man who was... my friend.
1327
00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:42,525
- To Jackie.
- To Jackie.
1328
00:59:12,091 --> 00:59:15,511
♪ All my friends,
and they died