1
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,153
Lenny.
2
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:11,530
Good morning.
Would you like some coffee?
3
00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:14,325
- I...
- We have bagels,
bialys, grapefruit.
4
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,595
- Zelda could make you a blintz.
- Oh, yes. Go with the blintz.
5
00:01:16,619 --> 00:01:18,037
The blintz is
a wonderful choice.
6
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,331
I'm sorry, who are you?
7
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,416
- Miss December.
- You look different.
8
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:24,794
It was the night you were
talking about Miss December.
9
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,295
We were in jail together.
10
00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:28,064
Well, I've been in jail
with a variety of people.
11
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,566
Oh, by the way,
we told the children
12
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:30,942
you were in their room
because you had
13
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:32,486
a tummy ache from eating
too many cookies.
14
00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:34,804
We'd like you to stick with
that story, if you don't mind.
15
00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:36,323
Personally, I advocated
for the truth.
16
00:01:36,347 --> 00:01:38,808
I wasn't in the mood
to describe a mild case
17
00:01:38,891 --> 00:01:41,519
of alcohol poisoning to a
five-year-old, so if he asks...
18
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,062
- Who?
- Ethan.
19
00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,522
I don't know who...
20
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,399
If a child asks you why
you're here, your answer is...
21
00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:50,820
I thought you said
he was bright.
22
00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:52,279
I was talking about his humor.
23
00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:53,906
As a man,
he could be a total idiot.
24
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:55,366
Excuse me.
25
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,743
Uh, last night,
I had a few more things on me.
26
00:01:57,827 --> 00:02:01,247
A... a coat, shoes, a wallet.
27
00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:03,332
- D-Does anyone else hear that?
- Success.
28
00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:05,543
Hey, look who's finally up.
29
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,920
- Wait. You.
- Oh?
30
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,922
- I know you.
- I know you, too.
31
00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,007
And you are
a very sound sleeper.
32
00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:13,384
Ethan climbed right over you
33
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,261
to get his fire truck,
and you didn't budge.
34
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:17,179
Wait. Oh, God.
35
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,118
That's the Hudson River
out the window.
36
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,727
Upper West Side.
37
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,272
You're right... he must have
someone else write his material.
38
00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:28,691
- You want some coffee?
- We offered. He just stared.
39
00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:30,377
I'm sorry I wasn't there
when you woke up,
40
00:02:30,401 --> 00:02:31,861
but I'm toilet-training
my daughter.
41
00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:33,612
When she does good,
she gets the song.
42
00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:35,906
And today,
she did very, very good.
43
00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,283
Yesterday was a disaster.
44
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:38,552
We have to replace
the wallpaper.
45
00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,160
Well, everybody has their ups...
46
00:02:40,244 --> 00:02:42,288
- Uh, could I...
- Hmm?
47
00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:44,558
- Do you want to take a shower?
- I do not want
to take a shower.
48
00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:46,059
I think
you should take a shower.
49
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,602
Thank you very much,
lady in the kitchen.
50
00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:50,004
I will shower when I... Shit.
51
00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,631
Oh. Ow.
52
00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,466
How did I get here?
53
00:02:54,550 --> 00:02:56,552
- What do you remember?
- Nothing.
54
00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,804
Well, last night, I was
driving home from the club,
55
00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:00,639
and I saw you
passed out on the ground.
56
00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:02,433
I tried to ask you
where you were staying,
57
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,143
and you said, "Nice hair."
58
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:06,061
- I said, "Nice hair"?
- No, but for the sake
59
00:03:06,145 --> 00:03:07,539
of our friendship,
let's stick with "hair."
60
00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,374
Anyhow, I said, "Thanks,"
and I brought you here
61
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:10,691
and stuck you in my son's room.
62
00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:12,568
- Oh, with the tiny bed.
- Well, he's five.
63
00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:14,504
- Was I robbed last night?
- Not that I know of.
64
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,156
Where are my shoes,
my jacket, my wallet, my watch?
65
00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:18,908
Zelda insisted
on pressing your jacket
66
00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:21,285
and shining your shoes, and
I took your wallet and hid it
67
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,305
because Ethan's going through
a money-eating phase,
68
00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:24,997
and I have no idea
where your watch is.
69
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,582
- Let me go look.
- Wait.
70
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,834
- I need your pants.
- I need them more.
71
00:03:28,918 --> 00:03:30,502
They are wrinkled.
They are bad pants.
72
00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:32,838
Well, you just have to
get to know them better.
73
00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:35,883
Okay!
I found your watch!
74
00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,718
Oh. Zelda,
the jacket looks great.
75
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:39,178
You want to give her your pants?
76
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,554
Take a wild guess.
77
00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:42,574
He's keeping the pants, Zelda.
78
00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:44,767
Shoes and wallet.
79
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,518
Ethan did find it,
and he took a bite
80
00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:48,312
out of a ten spot,
so I'll reimburse you.
81
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,606
I could not find your tie,
but it'll turn up eventually.
82
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,191
Keep the tie.
83
00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,860
- Lenny.
- I have ties.
84
00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:57,488
Thank you for this,
but the next time you see me
85
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,281
and you think
that I might need help,
86
00:03:59,365 --> 00:04:01,450
please just keep walking.
87
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:03,869
Hey.
88
00:04:03,953 --> 00:04:06,497
Hey. Drama queen.
89
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:09,667
Dead end.
90
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,838
Can we please... Lenny.
91
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,632
The elevator...
92
00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:25,641
Why the hell do you live
on such a high floor?
93
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,601
Why are you... Really?
94
00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:28,978
Lenny!
95
00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:30,521
Morning, Mrs. Teitelbaum.
96
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,814
Lenny!
97
00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,191
Lenny.
98
00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:37,486
Don't you have cabs
on the Upper West Side?
99
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:40,030
Honestly, they may be
steering clear of you.
100
00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:41,532
- Here.
- What's that?
101
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,701
- That's your shoe.
- No, I'm wearing my...
102
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,160
Two seconds ago, it was on.
103
00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:47,454
- Why are you so upset?
- I have to get home.
104
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:49,707
I basically scraped you
off the sidewalk last night,
105
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,834
and you're mad at me?
You should be thankful.
106
00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,711
I'm thankful.
Go back inside.
107
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,379
Protect the wallpaper
at all costs.
108
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,107
You do know you're acting
like a child, right?
109
00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:58,549
Of course I'm acting
like a child.
110
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,634
I'm a comedian.
Please go back inside.
111
00:05:00,718 --> 00:05:02,553
Lenny Bruce. That's Lenny Bruce.
112
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,221
- Hey, Lenny.
- Yes. Hello.
113
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,782
- Lenny, you're the best.
- Thank you.
114
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,283
I don't understand
what's going on here.
115
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,560
- You don't?
- You're the king, Lenny.
The fucking king.
116
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,437
Thank you.
As my subject, you're dismissed.
117
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,706
- Both of you.
- Lenny.
118
00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:14,040
If you want a cab,
you might want to try...
119
00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,250
- Don't tell me how to get a cab.
- - Lenny!
120
00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:16,900
I wasn't telling you
how to get a cab.
121
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,736
I was telling you
where to get a cab.
122
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,219
- Lenny!
- I can get a cab.
123
00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:21,715
I've been getting cabs
since before you were born.
124
00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:24,241
Hey, Lenny, I'm talking to you.
Look at me.
125
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,511
Is this really how you act
when someone does you a favor?
126
00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,975
I'm over here
giving you compliments,
127
00:05:28,037 --> 00:05:29,889
- and you're ignoring me.
- I'm sorry, have you two met?
128
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,665
Hey. Fuck you, Bruce.
You hear me?
129
00:05:31,749 --> 00:05:33,083
You're the poor man's Mort Sahl.
130
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,460
The-the light's green, sir.
131
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:36,170
Go iron your pants,
you cocksucker.
132
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:37,921
Why are you acting like this?
133
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,007
Because this is not my scene.
134
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:42,009
This place, that apron,
135
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,886
Grandma and Grandpa
having breakfast,
136
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,263
kids running around
learning to shit,
137
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,599
Leni Riefenstahl
demanding my pants.
138
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,684
Well, the last one's
a little my scene, but...
139
00:05:50,768 --> 00:05:53,312
Wow. I am absolutely stunned.
140
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:55,165
- I know you meant well.
- Yeah. I meant well.
141
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,125
I brought you to my home
so you could sleep it off
142
00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:58,776
in a bed and not a holding cell.
143
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,195
Sorry my parents and my kids
are not your scene.
144
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,822
I don't care about the kids.
I have a kid.
145
00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:05,908
- You do?
- Yes.
146
00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:07,951
- Boy or girl?
- Girl.
147
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,578
- You've never mentioned her.
- Really?
148
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:11,872
In all the times we've been
sitting around knitting
149
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,291
and making apple dolls
while the pies bake in the oven,
150
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,168
I've never discussed
my child with you?
151
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:18,420
You know why?
Because we're not supposed to.
152
00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:20,672
That's not how it works.
We're comics.
153
00:06:20,756 --> 00:06:22,382
Creatures
of the night.
154
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,510
We discuss debauchery
and pornography.
155
00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:26,845
We make jokes about dictators
coming over for dinner.
156
00:06:26,929 --> 00:06:28,931
Ten minutes on
how Stalin likes his steak.
157
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,558
We don't wear aprons
and discuss potty training.
158
00:06:31,642 --> 00:06:34,686
If I want to talk about my
daughter, I'll call my mother.
159
00:06:36,522 --> 00:06:37,940
What are you doing?
160
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,441
I have to take a piss.
161
00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:41,819
Well, come back upstairs
and use the bathroom.
162
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,612
If I use your bathroom,
you'll play music.
163
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,531
I don't want a soundtrack
while I pee.
164
00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:46,740
Finally.
165
00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:48,784
Look, I'm...
166
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,578
I know I'm... Here.
167
00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,081
I'm sorry. What do you think
happened last night?
168
00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:57,543
No, it-it's for the taxi,
the shoe polishing, the blintz.
169
00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,670
Christ.
170
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,005
It was a really terrific
carpenter.
171
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,883
Ice cream! Ice cream!
172
00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:11,223
Hey.
Aren't you Lenny Bruce?
173
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,808
Just drive.
174
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,285
Operator.
What's the number, please?
175
00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:16,979
Yeah, hi. I'm looking
for the number of a nightclub.
176
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,856
What's the name
of the nightclub?
177
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:21,400
I don't know the name,
but I do know it's in Chinatown.
178
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,485
- Does that help?
- No.
179
00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,904
Okay, well, could you look up
clubs in Chinatown?
180
00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:27,114
No.
181
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:28,740
Well, could you
list off anything
182
00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:30,659
that sounds like
a club in Chinatown?
183
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,578
I could. Could you answer
184
00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,621
all my other calls
for the next six hours?
185
00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:37,332
You know, I'm a talent manager.
Ever thought of going onstage?
186
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,209
Oh, wait. Joel Maisel.
187
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,795
Try Joel Maisel's club
in Chinatow...
188
00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:43,380
Hello?
189
00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:46,258
You were supposed to share.
190
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:51,471
- Dinah.
- Yes?
191
00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,223
I need to get Mike Carr.
192
00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:54,850
I left word earlier twice.
193
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,643
- Did you use my name?
- God, no.
194
00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:58,353
Good.
195
00:07:58,437 --> 00:08:01,315
Appreciate you eating all this
on my bed, by the way.
196
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,066
You should have the lady
find the club.
197
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:06,111
- What lady?
- The lady who sits out there.
198
00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:07,696
Have her find the club.
199
00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:09,406
That's why she's there, right?
200
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:13,535
Sitting there every day,
just listening?
201
00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:16,205
Do not eat on my bed,
and mind your own business.
202
00:08:16,288 --> 00:08:17,928
No. That's too much
direction at one time.
203
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,517
- Thank you.
- Have a good day.
204
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,685
You just
got another one.
205
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,336
Wines of the world.
206
00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,922
The "O" in "world" is
a little globe. Cute.
207
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,466
You better hide it before Alfie
gets his passport out.
208
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,509
Miss Lennon sure is grateful
to you for something.
209
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:32,054
Well, she's grateful the voices
in her head haven't unionized.
210
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,348
Listen, Midge's ex has
a club in Chinatown,
211
00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:35,933
and I'm trying
to get the number.
212
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,684
- I'm on it.
- I don't remember the name.
213
00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,368
Yep. I'm on it.
214
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:41,104
- Who is this again?
- That's my niece.
215
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,940
- My sister had to work today.
- Uh-huh.
216
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,834
I'm not sure if that's the
most professional thing to do.
217
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,318
- Hello, sir!
- Oh, it is.
218
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,254
Every office I've worked in,
all the secretaries did this.
219
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,739
It's not lost on me you don't
work at those offices anymore.
220
00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:52,658
Shh. I'm on the phone.
221
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,912
It said there were
cookies in here.
222
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,497
I hate being lied to.
223
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,290
Hey, how about
you go find a cute blonde
224
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,251
so you can saw her in half
or something?
225
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,574
I have Joel Maisel on the line.
226
00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:04,867
You did not find him that fast.
227
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,171
- Yes, I did.
- Joel Maisel?
228
00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:07,547
- Yes.
- You found Joel Maisel?
229
00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:09,174
- Yes.
- I didn't tell you his name.
230
00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:11,527
- You gonna pick up the phone?
- I am gonna pick up the phone.
231
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,303
Now, that's a fucking magician.
232
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,556
Joel? Hello.
233
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,476
Susie Myerson
at Susie Myerson and Associates.
234
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,187
- How are you today, buddy?
- Who is this?
235
00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:25,148
It's Susie Myerson
of Susie Myerson and Associates.
236
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,984
I hope I am not
interrupting anything.
237
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,068
Who is this?
238
00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:29,861
You are a very funny guy.
239
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:32,364
Anyhow, Joel, I'm calling today
to talk to you about...
240
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:33,991
Wait, you do know
who this is, right?
241
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,386
I've narrowed it down to either
Bette Davis or Rock Hudson.
242
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,121
I am just trying
to reset our relationship.
243
00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:40,556
We don't have
a relationship to reset.
244
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:41,873
Let's set one.
245
00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:44,584
I am a talent manager.
You own a nightclub.
246
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:47,045
We may wind up doing business
together down the road.
247
00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,506
So just shut your goddamn trap
and act professional.
248
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,425
"Manager." Come on.
You have one client,
249
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,508
and she can come down here
anytime. She knows that.
250
00:09:53,552 --> 00:09:56,305
Actually, I have
an exciting new client now.
251
00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:57,973
One that you haven't fucked.
252
00:09:58,056 --> 00:09:59,808
- Comic?
- Magician.
253
00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,310
Like card tricks and shit?
254
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:03,562
No. Much more than card tricks.
255
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,858
He is a master
of sleight of hand.
256
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,609
An illusionist. A hypnotist.
257
00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:11,320
Hell, he may actually be magic.
258
00:10:11,403 --> 00:10:13,238
And there's no one
like him anywhere.
259
00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:15,615
I would love for you
to book him in your new club,
260
00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:18,577
which I have heard wonderful
things about, by the way.
261
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,537
Stop that. It's unnerving.
262
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,456
I will take any slot
that you give him.
263
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:24,708
He's very cool, super hip.
The kids are gonna love him.
264
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,168
Well, I got to see what he does.
265
00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:27,502
Absolutely.
266
00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,588
First show's free.
If he knocks you on your ass,
267
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,340
you book him for a month. Deal?
268
00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:32,591
We'll see.
269
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:34,301
Mm, savvy businessman.
270
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,261
We are gonna make
beautiful music together.
271
00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:37,971
All right, bye.
272
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,641
I was sitting on the cookies.
273
00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:44,853
Oscar Levant,
274
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,897
how many seconds
do you want to use
275
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,440
- for your next question?
- Um, uh...
276
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:51,151
You have 37 in the bank.
277
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,028
I'll use, uh, 18.
278
00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:56,031
All right, in 18 seconds,
279
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:59,576
name every state that begins
with an "M" or a "C."
280
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,161
Start the clock.
281
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:04,373
Uh, "M," uh, Mississippi,
Missouri, Maine, Melinda.
282
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,851
- No, that's not a state.
- That's an ex-wife.
283
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:08,377
You secede from the union?
284
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:09,920
After she fired
on my Fort Sumter.
285
00:11:11,797 --> 00:11:15,425
Mama, Papa, the kids are asleep,
and I'm heading out.
286
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,094
...but Sandy over here
287
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,762
just got attacked
by a microphone.
288
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,014
Sandy, what the heck
just happened?
289
00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:23,100
I got hit
in the head with the boom.
290
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,560
I know.
I heard the boom.
291
00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:27,479
I'm sorry.
Who's talking?
292
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,902
Luckily, I'm wearing
two kinds of hairspray.
293
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,740
Pete's the culprit.
294
00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:40,617
All right, Oscar,
I didn't forget you.
295
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:41,952
Start the clock.
296
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,079
Montana, uh, California,
297
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:46,665
Connecticut, Cucamonga.
Is that a state?
298
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,542
A state of confusion
is more like it.
299
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,228
What else is new?
300
00:11:50,252 --> 00:11:51,336
Time's up.
301
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:53,220
- Ooh. What did he miss?
- He missed Michigan.
302
00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:54,798
- He missed Colorado.
- That's right.
303
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,484
- What's going on here?
- It's Seconds Count!
304
00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:58,718
- It's so fun.
- And Sophie is hysterical.
305
00:11:58,802 --> 00:12:00,595
She's at her absolute best.
306
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,222
I was talking about
the TV trays.
307
00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:04,599
- They're for Sophie's show.
- If you miss an episode,
308
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:06,560
you can't converse
with anyone the next day,
309
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,478
because it's all people
want to talk about.
310
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,105
So on Thursday nights,
we eat here.
311
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,606
Different. Okay.
312
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,941
Well, the kids are asleep,
313
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,460
the fridge light's out,
and I'm taking off.
314
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:15,819
So long.
315
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,321
Okay, in your
remaining time, name...
316
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,324
You do know she tried to destroy
your daughter's career, right?
317
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,660
- Who? Sophie?
- Yes, Sophie.
318
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,787
- Water under the bridge.
- Whatever you say.
319
00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:28,081
- Carry on.
- - Sandy, it's not the Big D.
320
00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:29,541
- It's Austin.
- Austin!
321
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:30,852
It's not water under the bridge.
322
00:12:30,876 --> 00:12:32,377
We're missing the program.
323
00:12:32,461 --> 00:12:34,588
It's nostalgia, right?
You remember her from radio
324
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:37,340
and a time when it was fun
to play with a hoop and a stick?
325
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,176
No, it's because
we think she's hilarious.
326
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,677
She's our new Chaplin.
327
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,597
No comment. Adieu.
328
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,390
Okay, if you meant
Buddy Chaplin,
329
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,394
the guy who measures feet
at the kids' shoe store
330
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,514
and is rumored to have
a dead piece of a Siamese twin
331
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:51,354
sticking out of his stomach,
then yes, maybe.
332
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,106
But Charlie Chaplin?
333
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:55,734
Modern Times? The Gold Rush?
I think not.
334
00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:57,670
I thought you didn't have
any comment.
335
00:12:57,694 --> 00:13:00,780
Damn! Missed it.
She just said something funny.
336
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,365
She never says something funny.
337
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,951
It's all ridiculously
contrived "bon motts."
338
00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,953
- That's all it is.
- They're not contrived.
339
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:08,723
And if you had studied French
instead of Russian,
340
00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,099
- you'd know it was...
- bon mots.
341
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,000
Well, that's mo'
than I needed to know.
342
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,251
Thank you.
343
00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:14,604
Sophie's contrived,
but that's funny?
344
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:15,962
Okay, I heard that.
345
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:17,797
Oh, we're missing
the commercial.
346
00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:19,257
It's a laxative commercial.
347
00:13:19,341 --> 00:13:21,301
Yeah, but she does them,
and she does them funny.
348
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:23,637
She's so irreverent.
And she's lost so much weight.
349
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,847
I think I've said my piece.
350
00:13:25,931 --> 00:13:28,141
- Peace would be nice.
- Amen.
351
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,571
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
352
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,451
Hey!
What's going on up there?
353
00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:54,417
Come on!
354
00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,672
Whoa!
355
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,592
The hot water
in the shower is back on.
356
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:05,011
The coffee area was cleaned,
and we got a new coffee maker.
357
00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:07,472
We got cream and sugar
even though sugar means bugs.
358
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:08,974
That's what sugar bowls are for.
359
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:10,600
We will get a sugar bowl.
360
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:12,978
We moved the paint cans
and tarps from the storage room.
361
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:14,621
The floor-to-ceiling mirror's
been hung.
362
00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,541
The new seamstress is here.
She did not come with
363
00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,167
her own sewing machine,
as you had promised,
364
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:19,835
but when we moved
the paint cans and tarps,
365
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,571
we found out we actually had
a sewing machine,
366
00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,531
so there you go.
367
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,199
The roof will be fixed
next week.
368
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:27,909
We found Duke's trumpet.
369
00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:29,953
We cannot find Duke.
370
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:32,414
The dr... The dressing room
speaker works now,
371
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,416
and we were unable
to remove the urinal
372
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,668
from the ladies' room,
so we turned it into a planter.
373
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,169
Boise, this is good progress.
374
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,213
I just might make
a stage manager out of you yet.
375
00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,966
Hey, I'm not a stage manager.
I am a manager manager.
376
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,969
I manage the stage, yes,
but I manage other things.
377
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,637
The front room. I manage that.
378
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,889
The loading dock. I am
definitely the manager of...
379
00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:51,576
Well, I share that
responsibility with Dave,
380
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,369
- but when deliveries
come, I am...
- Wrap it up.
381
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,728
- I got to work.
- Yep.
382
00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:05,530
Hey!
383
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:09,784
Whoops.
384
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:22,922
Two gin rickeys,
three banana daiquiris,
385
00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:24,716
a Singapore sling
and a White Russian.
386
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,319
- Extra Russian.
- Gin and sin,
rum runner, sidecar,
387
00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:27,528
three grasshoppers,
one with whipped cream.
388
00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:28,654
Kenny, where's my sherry flip?
389
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,031
I got three mai tais here,
no flip.
390
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,699
Hold your horses.
What came after grasshoppers?
391
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,183
- Sherry flip.
- Extra cherries.
392
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,994
Sherry flip, sherry flip,
sherry flip, sherry...
393
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:36,770
- Thank you.
- How's it going, Kenny?
394
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,521
Out of white wine.
395
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,191
Bartender, six palomas
to that table right down there.
396
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,651
And keep 'em coming.
397
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:45,654
- Paloma, paloma...
- Uh, excuse me.
398
00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:47,530
We're gonna need a grapefruit.
399
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,034
Oh, yeah.
400
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,119
Whoa.
401
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,256
Hey!
402
00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:13,723
- Hi.
- Hi.
403
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,183
Hi.
404
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,978
Excuse us.
405
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:20,980
- Hi.
- Look, there she is.
406
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,610
Well...
407
00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:28,571
Hello, hello, hello. Wow.
408
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:31,295
Look at all the ladies
in the audience tonight.
409
00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:34,953
You do realize the Bergdorf sale
is about 15 blocks north, right?
410
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,080
Dresses here
are also half off
411
00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:39,499
but probably not
in the way you're thinking.
412
00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:41,501
Hello, ladies. You lost?
413
00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:42,728
She's getting married
this weekend,
414
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:43,795
and we brought her here.
415
00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,296
So I could talk her out of it?
416
00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:47,799
- What's your name?
- Nora.
417
00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:49,092
Congratulations, Nora.
418
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,301
What's your fiancé's name?
419
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:51,302
Montgomery.
420
00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:52,595
Got a picture?
421
00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:57,726
Not bad. Huh?
422
00:16:57,809 --> 00:17:00,311
But remember, one day,
you go to bed with this,
423
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,522
the next day,
you wake up with that.
424
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:06,234
I'm just kidding, sir.
425
00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:19,789
And... stop.
426
00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:22,417
How's it going in here?
427
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,228
- I like the look.
- I know.
428
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,972
They're my smart-girl glasses.
Totally fake.
429
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,922
They look so real.
430
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:31,760
Ladies, I can hear every word
you are pretending not to say.
431
00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:34,262
Well, I am impressed.
432
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,555
- Dody...
- Imogene.
433
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,223
...has just broken
her previous record,
434
00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:39,267
which she set
exactly ten minutes ago.
435
00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:41,060
80 words a minute.
436
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:42,937
Not my personal best,
but it was James Joyce,
437
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,939
- so I was very nervous.
- I'm sorry, what?
438
00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:46,250
I was transcribing
Finnegans Wake.
439
00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:47,460
It feels like
you're writing gibberish,
440
00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:48,693
but apparently, he's a genius.
441
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,377
I had a feeling
you two would hit it off.
442
00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:52,071
Hit it off?
That's putting it mildly.
443
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:53,740
- Dody...
- Imogene.
444
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,658
...is a diamond
in the coal mine.
445
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,553
I don't think that's the saying,
but I don't care.
446
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:00,872
My God, to have the freedom
to write but not have to type?
447
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:02,791
My whole life will be different.
448
00:18:02,874 --> 00:18:04,959
- So I'm hired?
- I will never let you leave.
449
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:06,795
- I'm a hostage! Yay!
- Miss Miriam!
450
00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:08,171
Coming, Zelda!
451
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,631
- So, Dody...
- Imogene.
452
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,299
Ready for some Proust?
453
00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:13,468
The real question is:
Is Mr. Proust ready for me?
454
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:14,803
Oh.
455
00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,513
The fridge is dead.
456
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,848
I come in, I open, no light.
Things are warm.
457
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,642
I try to see if it's plug.
458
00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,519
I plug there, I plug there.
It's not plug.
459
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,938
Yeah, the light
was out last night.
460
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:27,232
What do you mean,
"the light was out last night"?
461
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,126
I opened the fridge last night,
and there was no light.
462
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,420
So it died last night and you
just left it there to stink?
463
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,672
- I didn't know what it meant.
- You didn't know what it...
464
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:35,341
What kind of woman are you?
You were married.
465
00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:36,950
You had children.
How did that happen?
466
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:39,386
Well, it had nothing to do with
the fridge, I can assure you.
467
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,748
Zelda, I will fix it.
468
00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:45,875
In the meantime,
let's ask some of the neighbors
469
00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:48,795
if they can store
some things for us, huh?
470
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,592
Come on in,
Norma and Lorraine.
471
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,803
We'll sit down,
have some iced tea,
472
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,847
and you can tell me
everything about yourselves
473
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:01,490
that might be of interest...
474
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:03,726
- Abe.
- Rose.
475
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,395
This girl is a prodigy.
476
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,813
If the government
knew about her,
477
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,456
she'd be locked in a lab
getting probed.
478
00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:10,024
- Time.
- Ha!
479
00:19:10,108 --> 00:19:11,609
Excuse me, ladies.
480
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:13,570
Abe, I reserved
the living room yesterday.
481
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,965
- Didn't you consult the chart?
- I did not consult the chart.
482
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,466
Well, it was your idea
to make the chart,
483
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,009
so I assumed
you would consult the chart.
484
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,095
- We're almost done.
- After all, you made the chart.
485
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,638
- I'm leaving. Dody...
- Imogene!
486
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,122
Gather your things
and follow me.
487
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:25,790
We can go to the bathroom.
488
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,584
That's where
I usually work anyway.
489
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,128
I'm going to get that tea.
490
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,383
Goodness,
what is happening here?
491
00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:37,969
The fridge died, and Zelda
forgot she taught me Polish.
492
00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:39,512
Hello?
493
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,394
Oh. Hi.
494
00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:48,730
I'm Miriam Maisel.
495
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:51,274
You two look like you have
a refrigerator at home.
496
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:53,192
Well, yes,
that sounds wonderful.
497
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,278
I would be honored to attend.
498
00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:56,779
Mm-hmm.
499
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,323
All right.
500
00:19:58,406 --> 00:19:59,657
Thank you.
501
00:19:59,741 --> 00:20:01,200
How could you not
teach your daughter
502
00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,577
about the light in the fridge?
503
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:04,245
There's a light in the fridge?
504
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:07,248
Miriam, guess what.
505
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,476
I have been invited to the
Small Business Women's Council
506
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,002
annual luncheon
in Brighton Beach.
507
00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:12,587
- Really?
- That's right.
508
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:15,089
Your mother's now officially
known as a small businesswoman.
509
00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:17,175
No, wait.
A small women's business.
510
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,801
No, I'm the owner of a business,
511
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,365
and it's small,
and I'm a woman, so...
512
00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:21,679
Well, I'm getting a free lunch.
513
00:20:21,763 --> 00:20:23,348
Congratulations, Mama. Really.
514
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,016
Thank you.
515
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:28,186
Miriam.
516
00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:29,562
What?
517
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,147
I offered. They took.
518
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,566
You didn't even ask them
to sit down first?
519
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,652
Oh. Yeah. Would you like
to have a seat?
520
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,820
Goodbye, Miriam.
521
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,114
I am so sorry.
That was my daughter.
522
00:20:40,198 --> 00:20:42,158
She's... hilarious.
She was kicked in the head
523
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,160
by a horse when she was
a child, also, so...
524
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:54,396
Wow. Gorgeous.
525
00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:02,220
Ooh-wee, she is a beaut.
Ain't she a beaut?
526
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,229
♪ It's a beautiful sight
to see...
527
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:14,315
Dinah? Dinah!
528
00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:17,777
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
529
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:20,071
- Somebody loves you.
- This is not love.
530
00:21:20,154 --> 00:21:22,073
They came with a golf pro,
but he had to leave.
531
00:21:22,156 --> 00:21:23,825
- I have his card.
- Get me Sophie Lennon.
532
00:21:23,908 --> 00:21:26,244
On it.
533
00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:27,954
They're fucking multiplying.
534
00:21:28,037 --> 00:21:29,797
Thomas,
when you catch her, wash her.
535
00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,958
Fuck! Fuck.
536
00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:36,129
Sorry. I know.
I was gonna move those.
537
00:21:36,212 --> 00:21:38,548
I've got Sophie Lennon
on line one.
538
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:41,384
Dinah, there's only one line.
Stop saying "line one."
539
00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:44,095
But when people hear "line one,"
they think there's a line two.
540
00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:46,514
- It makes you sound important.
- I am important, Dinah.
541
00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:48,808
- I'm important.
- I want people to know that.
542
00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:51,060
Close the door.
543
00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:53,062
Sophie, it's got to stop now.
544
00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:54,313
It's not Miss Lennon.
545
00:21:54,397 --> 00:21:55,477
Oh, goody. Humbert Humbert.
546
00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:56,566
Put your boss on.
547
00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:57,984
I'm afraid I can't.
548
00:21:58,067 --> 00:21:59,569
She's having her Roman wax.
549
00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:01,320
Her what?
550
00:22:01,404 --> 00:22:02,739
It's the removal of hair
551
00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:04,490
from where it shouldn't be.
552
00:22:04,574 --> 00:22:06,510
Dawes, ask Susie
how she liked the...
553
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:07,869
Cadillac!
554
00:22:07,952 --> 00:22:09,328
Did you like the Cadillac?
555
00:22:09,412 --> 00:22:11,289
Dawes, tell her
I hate the Cadillac,
556
00:22:11,372 --> 00:22:13,416
the luggage stinks,
and that there's no point
557
00:22:13,499 --> 00:22:15,460
in sending gifts, so just stop.
558
00:22:15,543 --> 00:22:17,295
Miss Lennon wants you
to have them.
559
00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:18,755
That's the point of gifts.
560
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,733
Oh, and ask her
if she liked the Carava...
561
00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:24,028
She stopped
a couple syllables short,
562
00:22:24,052 --> 00:22:26,679
but I believe she was inquiring
about the Caravaggio.
563
00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:29,599
Dawes, I have no idea
what the fuck a Caravaggio is,
564
00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:32,018
but you tell that crazy woman
we had a deal.
565
00:22:32,101 --> 00:22:34,937
I help her,
and she goes the fuck away.
566
00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:36,623
She's objecting
to your generosity.
567
00:22:36,647 --> 00:22:37,982
She got me
the game show.
568
00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:39,484
Dawes, tell her that.
569
00:22:39,567 --> 00:22:40,818
- She says...
- All I did
570
00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:42,153
was get her on Gordon Ford.
571
00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:43,863
She got the game show herself.
572
00:22:43,946 --> 00:22:46,216
So she can take back her gifts
and give them all to herself.
573
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,242
Dawes, tell her I...
574
00:22:49,827 --> 00:22:51,954
Your guess is as good
as mine on that one.
575
00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:54,290
Goodbye.
576
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:56,793
Dinah, get me
a new goddamn orange.
577
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:59,295
You want me to fall over dead
from a heart attack.
578
00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:00,880
Is that what you want, Miriam?
579
00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:02,799
Because you're doing
a great job,
580
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,258
if that's what you want.
581
00:23:04,342 --> 00:23:06,594
I don't want you to have
a heart attack, Moishe.
582
00:23:06,677 --> 00:23:08,221
You have been so good to me.
583
00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:10,640
I really have, haven't I?
I'm a good man.
584
00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:12,100
But I need to be honest here.
585
00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:15,144
I just need a smidgen of a skosh
more time for my next payment.
586
00:23:15,228 --> 00:23:16,813
What's that?
A smidgen of a skosh?
587
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:18,106
Is that like a bissel?
588
00:23:18,189 --> 00:23:19,524
Say, a couple weeks?
589
00:23:19,607 --> 00:23:21,087
I just bagged a giant
Tupperware order
590
00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:22,630
from our professor neighbor
in nine-B.
591
00:23:22,693 --> 00:23:24,797
She brought the whole Barnard
geology department in on it.
592
00:23:24,821 --> 00:23:26,781
They're gonna use them
to store fossils.
593
00:23:26,864 --> 00:23:29,367
Now, I'm not talking
a Brownie Wise level order here.
594
00:23:29,450 --> 00:23:30,827
What's that? A Brownie Wise?
595
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:32,070
She was the first one to toss
596
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,806
a bowl filled with water
to one of the guests
597
00:23:33,830 --> 00:23:35,015
to demonstrate
its airtight sealability.
598
00:23:35,039 --> 00:23:36,707
Brownie is a Tupperware legend.
599
00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:38,209
Call an ambulance, Shirl!
600
00:23:38,292 --> 00:23:39,752
But I don't get my cut
from the order
601
00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:41,522
until the check clears,
and the check was drawn
602
00:23:41,546 --> 00:23:44,048
from a bank in Toronto,
so guess she's Canadian.
603
00:23:44,132 --> 00:23:46,568
Now that I think about it, she
does say "a-roond" and "a-boot."
604
00:23:46,592 --> 00:23:48,344
"Skosh" and "smidgen"
are not words suitable
605
00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:49,971
to a legally binding
contract, Miriam.
606
00:23:50,054 --> 00:23:51,556
Are you aware of that?
607
00:23:51,639 --> 00:23:53,492
Moishe, I'll let you go.
Thanks for understanding.
608
00:23:53,516 --> 00:23:55,059
Your grandchildren love you.
609
00:23:55,143 --> 00:23:56,686
That's not gonna work this time!
610
00:23:56,769 --> 00:23:58,855
I need a drink.
611
00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:00,648
How'd you get jelly
on your shirt?
612
00:24:00,731 --> 00:24:03,651
Oh, Dinah had a niece
with jelly on it.
613
00:24:06,612 --> 00:24:07,798
It's not fitting
the business model.
614
00:24:07,822 --> 00:24:09,115
We have
a business model?
615
00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:11,510
Girls, booze, men paying for it.
That's the business model.
616
00:24:11,534 --> 00:24:13,374
But she's funny, right?
You said she was funny.
617
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,264
Yes, she's funny, but she's
turning the place into...
618
00:24:15,288 --> 00:24:16,497
I don't know what.
619
00:24:16,581 --> 00:24:18,166
Are you talking about me?
620
00:24:18,249 --> 00:24:20,710
I thought you'd left.
And hey, you didn't knock.
621
00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:22,920
Are you talking about me?
622
00:24:23,004 --> 00:24:25,089
- What is this, Boise?
- Terrence, Mrs. Maisel
623
00:24:25,173 --> 00:24:27,341
and her pushy little
midgety manager, Susie.
624
00:24:27,425 --> 00:24:28,676
Terrence is our partner.
625
00:24:28,759 --> 00:24:29,969
Very important partner.
626
00:24:30,052 --> 00:24:32,430
And Mario is what he looks like.
627
00:24:32,513 --> 00:24:35,141
Mrs. Maisel, you've scared up
quite the ruckus.
628
00:24:35,224 --> 00:24:36,726
How? The house is
packed every night.
629
00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:38,120
Yeah, with
the wrong kind of people.
630
00:24:38,144 --> 00:24:39,424
What's the wrong kind of people?
631
00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:41,439
The kind that make
pork chops for dinner.
632
00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:43,316
- Short-order cooks?
- Women.
633
00:24:43,399 --> 00:24:44,817
So what if
the audience is women?
634
00:24:44,901 --> 00:24:46,736
So what? This is a jiggle joint.
635
00:24:46,819 --> 00:24:49,197
- Don't say it like that.
- This is an entertainment venue
636
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,991
- catering to a select
male clientele.
- Who like titties.
637
00:24:52,074 --> 00:24:54,076
- So?
- So, men come here
638
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:55,453
to get away from women.
639
00:24:55,536 --> 00:24:56,871
Except the women onstage.
640
00:24:56,954 --> 00:24:58,390
The whole place
smells different, too.
641
00:24:58,414 --> 00:24:59,766
- What are you smelling?
- It's what I'm not smelling.
642
00:24:59,790 --> 00:25:00,875
Beer, piss, ammonia.
643
00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:03,252
I changed the smell?
That's a neat trick.
644
00:25:03,336 --> 00:25:05,522
And is that so bad? That the
place doesn't smell like piss?
645
00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:07,215
Oh, good.
Bunny has something to add.
646
00:25:07,298 --> 00:25:09,342
- I don't like
the smell of piss.
- Me, neither.
647
00:25:09,425 --> 00:25:11,302
And for me,
it depends on the circumstances.
648
00:25:11,385 --> 00:25:13,012
I'm sorry,
you guys should be sore.
649
00:25:13,095 --> 00:25:14,847
Maisel's hogging
all the spotlight.
650
00:25:14,931 --> 00:25:17,284
All I know is that since she got
here, the coffee's much better.
651
00:25:17,308 --> 00:25:18,994
And there's less weird guys
hanging around backstage.
652
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:20,353
She got us a seamstress, too.
653
00:25:20,436 --> 00:25:21,747
Now our clothes
don't fall off us.
654
00:25:21,771 --> 00:25:23,314
They're supposed
to fall off you.
655
00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:25,626
- Terrence, the business model.
- Not that you're asking,
656
00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:27,193
but the women tip better,
you know.
657
00:25:27,276 --> 00:25:28,527
I wasn't asking, but thank you.
658
00:25:28,611 --> 00:25:30,029
Women are more generous
and giving.
659
00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:31,405
That's a fact of the species.
660
00:25:31,489 --> 00:25:33,115
We give life to fucking babies.
661
00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:34,367
You're off the clock, Bunny.
662
00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:35,826
No, you're off the clock, Boise!
663
00:25:35,910 --> 00:25:37,119
It wasn't an insult, Bunny.
664
00:25:37,203 --> 00:25:39,038
I'm saying you're off the clock.
Go home.
665
00:25:39,121 --> 00:25:41,832
They're not discreet, either,
and the cops are noticing.
666
00:25:41,916 --> 00:25:43,417
When a show's over, men leave.
667
00:25:43,501 --> 00:25:45,821
These women, they hang around
out front laughing, chatting.
668
00:25:45,878 --> 00:25:47,421
So what?
Makes the place seem fun.
669
00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:50,341
This business is illegal.
Do you not understand that?
670
00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:52,551
Booze sales are up, though.
Am I reading this right?
671
00:25:52,635 --> 00:25:54,428
Yeah, Terrence,
but it's crazy fruity stuff:
672
00:25:54,512 --> 00:25:56,514
banana daiquiris,
mai tais, pink squirrels.
673
00:25:56,597 --> 00:25:57,950
- Those are drinks?
- And they all want
674
00:25:57,974 --> 00:25:59,614
those tiny little umbrellas
stuck in them.
675
00:25:59,642 --> 00:26:02,561
Over my dead body am I buying
tiny little umbrellas
676
00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:04,730
and a feminine
product dispenser.
677
00:26:04,814 --> 00:26:06,524
- They got those?
- Sure, they do.
678
00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:09,151
Geez, so classy.
It'll be like the Frick museum.
679
00:26:09,235 --> 00:26:11,070
Well, receipts are up.
680
00:26:11,153 --> 00:26:13,155
That's what I'm seeing...
Across the board.
681
00:26:13,239 --> 00:26:16,367
So I say, if we're raking in
simoleons, we stick to the path.
682
00:26:16,450 --> 00:26:18,577
- What path?
- Order the tiny umbrellas.
683
00:26:18,661 --> 00:26:20,246
And the feminine dispenser.
684
00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:22,456
I want our customers dispensed
while they're here.
685
00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:24,041
And keep doing your act.
686
00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:26,585
Just like you're doing it.
'Cause we'll have both:
687
00:26:26,669 --> 00:26:29,213
gentlemen's entertainment
and a funny girl comic.
688
00:26:29,297 --> 00:26:31,149
- Let's call it a night.
- Hold on a second.
689
00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:33,217
Sounds to me like it's time
to give my girl
690
00:26:33,301 --> 00:26:35,386
- a cut of the bar tab.
- N-No way.
691
00:26:35,469 --> 00:26:37,406
Then I'll book her somewhere
else, take the audience with us.
692
00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:39,223
We have a contract.
Remember the contract?
693
00:26:39,307 --> 00:26:41,309
With an unlicensed,
illegal strip club.
694
00:26:41,392 --> 00:26:43,894
Whoa, everybody calm down.
Jesus.
695
00:26:43,978 --> 00:26:45,896
He's tough.
He should work the door.
696
00:26:45,980 --> 00:26:48,232
Uh, we'll discuss
a cut of the bar tomorrow.
697
00:26:48,316 --> 00:26:50,234
- Let's do it now.
- I'm tired.
698
00:26:50,318 --> 00:26:52,320
I want to go home
and watch Gordon Ford.
699
00:26:52,403 --> 00:26:54,030
Eddie Fisher's
going to explain himself.
700
00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:55,865
Oh, shit. I want to watch
Gordon Ford, too.
701
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:57,825
So, tomorrow. Good night, all.
702
00:27:00,202 --> 00:27:01,245
Will you go home?
703
00:27:01,329 --> 00:27:04,248
How about a couple of
banana daiquiris, Kenny?
704
00:27:05,499 --> 00:27:07,209
Ladies.
705
00:27:08,961 --> 00:27:10,129
Ooh!
706
00:27:14,508 --> 00:27:16,510
Got it, Zelda.
707
00:27:17,762 --> 00:27:19,513
I'm sorry about the fridge.
708
00:27:19,597 --> 00:27:21,223
Please don't be mad
at me forever.
709
00:27:21,307 --> 00:27:23,309
I'll try. I will try.
710
00:27:24,435 --> 00:27:26,395
Hello?
711
00:27:26,479 --> 00:27:27,980
Hi. Miriam Maisel?
712
00:27:28,064 --> 00:27:29,190
That's me.
713
00:27:29,273 --> 00:27:30,733
You sound funny.
714
00:27:30,816 --> 00:27:32,193
- Pardon me?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
715
00:27:32,276 --> 00:27:33,736
I'm Dinah, Susie's secretary.
716
00:27:33,819 --> 00:27:35,255
I was just saying that
I think you're gonna be
717
00:27:35,279 --> 00:27:36,465
a huge star
'cause you sound funny.
718
00:27:36,489 --> 00:27:38,199
Well, thank you, Dinah.
719
00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:39,784
- Hold for Susie?
- You got it.
720
00:27:39,867 --> 00:27:42,370
Susie, Miriam Maisel
on line one.
721
00:27:45,498 --> 00:27:46,916
Nothing's flashing.
722
00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:48,918
I think the hold button's
broken.
723
00:27:49,001 --> 00:27:50,836
Well, put her through,
but call someone
724
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:52,463
and have 'em fix
the hold button.
725
00:27:52,546 --> 00:27:53,672
We've only got one line.
726
00:27:53,756 --> 00:27:55,556
I can't call someone
while you're on the line.
727
00:27:55,591 --> 00:27:56,926
Just put her through!
728
00:27:57,009 --> 00:27:58,469
- Hello?
- Hey. Listen.
729
00:27:58,552 --> 00:27:59,887
I wanted you to hear it from me,
730
00:27:59,970 --> 00:28:01,305
not one of the dopes
at the deli.
731
00:28:01,389 --> 00:28:02,848
Hear what?
732
00:28:02,932 --> 00:28:04,683
L. Roy Dunham struck again.
733
00:28:04,767 --> 00:28:07,019
He caught your show
at the Wolford Thursday night,
734
00:28:07,103 --> 00:28:08,687
and he wrote about it.
735
00:28:08,771 --> 00:28:10,106
It's pretty brutal.
Don't read it.
736
00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:11,774
But that was a great show.
737
00:28:11,857 --> 00:28:13,317
I know. He'll move on.
738
00:28:13,401 --> 00:28:16,487
Something else will send him
slithering in another direction.
739
00:28:16,570 --> 00:28:18,739
When? When will he stop?
It's been months.
740
00:28:18,823 --> 00:28:20,574
I don't know. Forget him.
741
00:28:20,658 --> 00:28:22,576
The audience loves you.
That's all that matters.
742
00:28:22,660 --> 00:28:24,662
Yeah, you're right.
743
00:28:24,745 --> 00:28:27,164
The show was good.
The audience was good.
744
00:28:27,248 --> 00:28:29,375
Everything's good.
745
00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:42,847
Hi. I'm looking
for L. Roy Dunham.
746
00:28:42,930 --> 00:28:45,724
- And you are?
- Miriam Weissman.
747
00:28:45,808 --> 00:28:47,726
Miriam Weissman.
748
00:28:47,810 --> 00:28:49,645
- So, two S's?
- Yes.
749
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:51,897
- Great. Wait here.
- Thank you.
750
00:29:04,118 --> 00:29:05,494
Mrs. Maisel.
751
00:29:06,495 --> 00:29:08,414
L. Roy Dunham.
752
00:29:08,497 --> 00:29:10,082
Nice to finally meet you.
753
00:29:10,166 --> 00:29:12,668
You smell good in person.
Is that Arpège?
754
00:29:14,420 --> 00:29:15,963
I don't understand. You're...
755
00:29:16,046 --> 00:29:17,381
- L. Roy Dunham.
- You?
756
00:29:17,465 --> 00:29:18,674
- Me.
- You're the one
757
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:20,068
who's been writing
all those terrible articles?
758
00:29:20,092 --> 00:29:22,720
Actually, I think
they're pretty good, but yes.
759
00:29:22,803 --> 00:29:26,056
- But... you're a woman.
- What?
760
00:29:26,140 --> 00:29:28,184
And you've always been a woman.
761
00:29:28,267 --> 00:29:29,768
I have, yes.
762
00:29:29,852 --> 00:29:32,122
Be a better story if I hadn't,
though, right?
763
00:29:32,146 --> 00:29:34,148
So, Mrs. Maisel,
what can I do for you?
764
00:29:34,231 --> 00:29:35,733
You can stop writing about me.
765
00:29:35,816 --> 00:29:37,443
Mm, I don't think so. What else?
766
00:29:37,526 --> 00:29:40,571
Well, you can tell me why you
write all that shit about me.
767
00:29:40,654 --> 00:29:43,157
Oh, there's that classy verbiage
I love so much.
768
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,368
Oh, so I offend you? Is that it?
Don't think I'm ladylike enough?
769
00:29:46,452 --> 00:29:47,804
Would you believe
I just don't find you funny?
770
00:29:47,828 --> 00:29:49,497
I would not,
'cause I'm hilarious.
771
00:29:49,580 --> 00:29:51,790
You just make great copy,
you know?
772
00:29:51,874 --> 00:29:54,877
Don't see a lot of female comics
as it is, but one like you,
773
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,422
looks like you, talks like you,
it kind of writes itself.
774
00:29:58,506 --> 00:30:00,216
- These are hit pieces.
- No!
775
00:30:00,299 --> 00:30:01,800
You called me a slut.
776
00:30:01,884 --> 00:30:03,928
Just implied.
I cleared it with legal.
777
00:30:04,011 --> 00:30:06,931
Wow. You seem
really proud of yourself.
778
00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:08,432
Well, you caught me
on a good day.
779
00:30:08,516 --> 00:30:09,808
I just got the window desk.
780
00:30:09,892 --> 00:30:11,560
Took it from Eddie over there.
781
00:30:11,644 --> 00:30:12,811
Hey, Eddie!
782
00:30:12,895 --> 00:30:14,104
Oh, he's a little sore.
783
00:30:14,188 --> 00:30:16,440
He had this desk for five years,
and he's really good.
784
00:30:16,524 --> 00:30:18,359
You should read his pieces
on government waste
785
00:30:18,442 --> 00:30:21,111
and corruption and cronyis...
786
00:30:21,195 --> 00:30:23,322
Okay. Time to go.
787
00:30:23,405 --> 00:30:25,032
I'm sorry you're upset,
788
00:30:25,115 --> 00:30:27,344
but look at it this way, I'm
keeping your name in the press.
789
00:30:27,368 --> 00:30:30,496
I'm a gin girl, in case you want
to send a thank-you gift.
790
00:30:30,579 --> 00:30:32,623
Okay, go ahead.
791
00:30:32,706 --> 00:30:34,208
Take your best shot.
792
00:30:34,291 --> 00:30:35,793
If you think
you're gonna destroy me
793
00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:37,211
or run me out of the business...
794
00:30:37,294 --> 00:30:38,796
Oh, God, no.
That would be terrible.
795
00:30:38,879 --> 00:30:40,422
I mean, you're a gold mine.
796
00:30:40,506 --> 00:30:41,882
The Sophie Lennon rift was good,
797
00:30:41,966 --> 00:30:44,093
but following it up
with the Shy Baldwin fiasco?
798
00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:46,136
Thank you, seriously.
799
00:30:46,220 --> 00:30:49,765
Do you have any idea how hard
it is to do what I'm doing?
800
00:30:49,848 --> 00:30:52,726
To-to go into these clubs
run by men, dominated by men,
801
00:30:52,810 --> 00:30:55,187
and go up there and try
to make men listen to me?
802
00:30:55,271 --> 00:30:57,231
Of course.
That's why I write about you.
803
00:30:57,314 --> 00:30:59,984
Because when I hand my editor
a piece about you...
804
00:31:00,067 --> 00:31:02,194
The rougher the better...
I get print.
805
00:31:02,278 --> 00:31:03,779
I get placement.
I get this desk.
806
00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:05,573
I'm no longer a skirt.
807
00:31:05,656 --> 00:31:10,286
I mean, hey, it's tough
being a woman in journalism.
808
00:31:15,165 --> 00:31:16,959
Keep up the good work.
809
00:31:25,342 --> 00:31:27,803
So they banned him
from the Paramount lot
810
00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:29,847
for the rest of the summer.
811
00:31:29,930 --> 00:31:32,057
He came in disguise once,
812
00:31:32,141 --> 00:31:34,893
and they booted him out
onto Melrose.
813
00:31:36,770 --> 00:31:39,732
Miss Miriam, your great friend
Sophie Lennon's here.
814
00:31:39,815 --> 00:31:41,025
She's not my great friend.
815
00:31:41,108 --> 00:31:42,468
She just told us
a disgusting story
816
00:31:42,526 --> 00:31:44,445
about Mickey Rooney
and a frozen banana.
817
00:31:44,528 --> 00:31:46,196
Too much funny.
818
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:47,948
- Isn't that sweet?
- It's so amazing
819
00:31:48,032 --> 00:31:50,576
to have a funny person
like that here in the house.
820
00:31:50,659 --> 00:31:53,412
Yes. Zelda, why don't you
give us the room?
821
00:31:53,495 --> 00:31:55,414
Come on, everybody.
822
00:31:55,497 --> 00:31:56,707
Thank you, Miss Sophie.
823
00:31:56,790 --> 00:31:58,917
No, thank you, Miss Zelda.
824
00:31:59,001 --> 00:32:00,753
- Goodbye, all.
- She's so funny.
825
00:32:00,836 --> 00:32:02,671
Bye-bye.
826
00:32:02,755 --> 00:32:04,256
Oh.
827
00:32:04,340 --> 00:32:07,718
Boy, the rooms you play
are getting smaller by the day.
828
00:32:07,801 --> 00:32:09,303
Goodbye.
829
00:32:09,386 --> 00:32:13,182
You're not just a little bit
curious why I'm here, hmm?
830
00:32:13,265 --> 00:32:15,476
You look thirsty.
Can I get you something?
831
00:32:15,559 --> 00:32:17,978
This is my apartment.
And no, I don't want anything.
832
00:32:18,062 --> 00:32:19,647
Then you can wait
outside, Dawes.
833
00:32:19,730 --> 00:32:20,898
Gladly, ma'am.
834
00:32:20,981 --> 00:32:22,650
- I hate that.
- Let's see.
835
00:32:22,733 --> 00:32:26,820
The last time I saw you,
you were resplendent in red.
836
00:32:26,904 --> 00:32:30,032
And you were gagging from
your epic Broadway choke-fest.
837
00:32:30,115 --> 00:32:31,950
Fine, let's get down to it.
838
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,828
I need your help.
839
00:32:34,912 --> 00:32:36,914
- For what?
- You know what.
840
00:32:36,997 --> 00:32:39,041
I want Susie back as my manager.
841
00:32:39,124 --> 00:32:41,293
- Sophie...
- That woman is the future,
842
00:32:41,377 --> 00:32:44,254
and she makes me feel confident,
and I need her in my corner.
843
00:32:44,338 --> 00:32:47,257
Sophie, I couldn't get Susie
to do that if I tried.
844
00:32:47,341 --> 00:32:49,051
And I am not going to try.
845
00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:50,260
Why?
846
00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:52,721
Why?
847
00:32:52,805 --> 00:32:55,516
Because I hate you. Hate!
848
00:32:55,599 --> 00:32:58,268
With the burning hate
of a thousand suns.
849
00:32:58,352 --> 00:32:59,853
It's a lot of hate, Sophie.
850
00:32:59,937 --> 00:33:03,190
It starts here,
boils here, brews here.
851
00:33:03,273 --> 00:33:05,818
It is a seething, writhing,
852
00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:08,946
lava-spewing volcano of hate.
853
00:33:09,029 --> 00:33:13,242
I really hate you.
854
00:33:13,325 --> 00:33:15,327
You're in financial straits.
855
00:33:15,411 --> 00:33:17,454
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
856
00:33:17,538 --> 00:33:20,791
This... is a charade, hmm?
857
00:33:20,874 --> 00:33:24,962
You are in debt
up to your alabaster tits.
858
00:33:25,045 --> 00:33:26,523
- Missed your calling as a poet.
- Hmm.
859
00:33:26,547 --> 00:33:28,566
- You want me to list off
your creditors?
- Sophie...
860
00:33:28,590 --> 00:33:30,634
Your grocer. Your baker.
861
00:33:30,718 --> 00:33:32,469
Your dry cleaner,
he's cut you off
862
00:33:32,553 --> 00:33:35,764
and won't even return
your last batch of clothes.
863
00:33:35,848 --> 00:33:38,100
You owe $30
to the electric company,
864
00:33:38,183 --> 00:33:40,227
20 to gas and water,
865
00:33:40,310 --> 00:33:43,439
200 on your
Bloomingdale's charge.
866
00:33:43,522 --> 00:33:46,316
Your fridge is out, and boy,
is Zelda pissed about that.
867
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:51,155
But your biggest debt
is to one Moishe Maisel.
868
00:33:51,238 --> 00:33:53,031
That's your father-in-law,
isn't it?
869
00:33:53,115 --> 00:33:55,409
Who told you this? Susie?
870
00:33:55,492 --> 00:33:56,994
Oh, God, no.
871
00:33:57,077 --> 00:33:59,163
My private investigator.
872
00:33:59,246 --> 00:34:01,707
He can find anything on anyone.
873
00:34:01,790 --> 00:34:05,335
And failing that,
he can plant anything on anyone.
874
00:34:05,419 --> 00:34:08,964
But in your case,
there's no planting necessary.
875
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:11,508
You are a full-blown garden.
876
00:34:11,592 --> 00:34:13,010
Why are you doing this?
877
00:34:13,093 --> 00:34:15,679
Because I have an offer.
Come work on my show.
878
00:34:15,763 --> 00:34:17,181
I'm sorry?
879
00:34:17,264 --> 00:34:19,183
Do the warm-up.
You know what that is, right?
880
00:34:19,266 --> 00:34:20,809
You are deranged.
881
00:34:20,893 --> 00:34:22,311
You come out
before the broadcast,
882
00:34:22,394 --> 00:34:24,605
you greet the audience,
you give them the rules,
883
00:34:24,688 --> 00:34:26,231
tell a couple of jokes.
884
00:34:26,315 --> 00:34:28,192
Sometimes
you throw candy at them.
885
00:34:28,275 --> 00:34:30,110
- No way.
- It's easy.
886
00:34:30,194 --> 00:34:31,963
They're there to laugh
and get out of the heat,
887
00:34:31,987 --> 00:34:33,697
and I keep that studio cold.
888
00:34:33,781 --> 00:34:36,450
The hours are minimal, and it's
a quick subway ride away.
889
00:34:36,533 --> 00:34:39,578
And the money...
you will be paid a lot of money.
890
00:34:39,661 --> 00:34:42,331
Too much money.
I'll see to that.
891
00:34:42,414 --> 00:34:45,459
And how could this possibly
help you fix things with Susie?
892
00:34:45,542 --> 00:34:50,047
My only chance at getting
her back is through you.
893
00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:52,257
If we get along,
Susie will calm down,
894
00:34:52,341 --> 00:34:54,009
and then she'll come
be my manager.
895
00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:55,511
I would never work for you.
896
00:34:55,594 --> 00:34:57,805
You won't be.
You'll be working for NBC.
897
00:34:57,888 --> 00:35:00,432
And the best part?
You won't have to see me.
898
00:35:00,516 --> 00:35:04,353
You'll perform, you'll leave,
and then I come on.
899
00:35:04,436 --> 00:35:06,021
And that's the way it'll be.
900
00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:09,399
And in a year, maybe less,
you'll be debt-free.
901
00:35:09,483 --> 00:35:10,984
I'll even throw in a fridge.
902
00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:15,864
And I'll muzzle that
L. Roy Dunham for you, too.
903
00:35:15,948 --> 00:35:18,534
That bitch needs a comeuppance.
904
00:35:19,993 --> 00:35:23,664
Women should help
each other out, don't you think?
905
00:35:45,853 --> 00:35:47,604
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
906
00:35:47,688 --> 00:35:49,064
We had dinner down the block.
907
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,400
I came ahead to make sure
everything was ready.
908
00:35:51,483 --> 00:35:53,652
- He may have hit a bar.
- A bar?
909
00:35:53,735 --> 00:35:55,404
Is this guy a drunk?
910
00:35:55,487 --> 00:35:57,155
Let me use your phone.
911
00:35:57,239 --> 00:35:59,074
I shouldn't have let him
out of my sight.
912
00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:01,577
Did I let you talk me
into booking a drunk magician?
913
00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:03,412
I don't even know
who the fuck to call.
914
00:36:03,495 --> 00:36:05,205
'Cause I'm all for
a magician disappearing
915
00:36:05,289 --> 00:36:06,999
but not before he goes onstage.
916
00:36:07,082 --> 00:36:08,417
- Hey.
- Hey.
917
00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:09,710
Why are you still here?
918
00:36:09,793 --> 00:36:11,073
You're supposed to be
on a train.
919
00:36:11,128 --> 00:36:12,629
I know. Can we talk?
920
00:36:12,713 --> 00:36:13,922
What's wrong?
921
00:36:14,006 --> 00:36:15,799
- Office.
- Sure.
922
00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:18,969
Be right back.
923
00:36:19,052 --> 00:36:21,763
Oh, sure, and it's my pleasure
to hang up the phone for you.
924
00:36:25,726 --> 00:36:27,352
I never should've
booked this guy.
925
00:36:27,436 --> 00:36:28,687
Sight unseen, I did it.
926
00:36:28,770 --> 00:36:29,938
I'm an idiot.
927
00:36:30,022 --> 00:36:31,773
Well, I'm pregnant.
928
00:36:33,275 --> 00:36:35,152
Did you ask me
what I wanted to talk about?
929
00:36:35,235 --> 00:36:36,320
No.
930
00:36:36,403 --> 00:36:37,696
Oh, okay. I wanted to talk
931
00:36:37,779 --> 00:36:39,364
about the fact
that I'm pregnant.
932
00:36:39,448 --> 00:36:41,450
- When you're ready.
- You're pregnant?
933
00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:42,951
- Yes.
- You're sure?
934
00:36:43,035 --> 00:36:44,620
- Yes.
- You're sure sure?
935
00:36:44,703 --> 00:36:46,622
Joel, there's a custom
in my culture.
936
00:36:46,705 --> 00:36:49,249
It's an ironclad, foolproof way
to tell if a woman's pregnant.
937
00:36:49,333 --> 00:36:51,919
- What is it?
- It's taking a damn test
at a doctor's office.
938
00:36:52,002 --> 00:36:54,004
- I'm sure.
- Shit.
939
00:36:55,714 --> 00:36:58,342
- Shit.
- Uh-huh. My first words, too.
940
00:36:58,425 --> 00:37:00,427
So we're on the same page there.
That's good.
941
00:37:00,510 --> 00:37:01,929
This is my fault.
942
00:37:02,012 --> 00:37:03,597
- I know better.
- So do I.
943
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:05,515
- I mean, I'm gonna be a doctor.
- I know.
944
00:37:05,599 --> 00:37:07,434
- I'm on a path, you know?
- Yes, I know.
945
00:37:07,517 --> 00:37:09,102
- I'm gonna be a doctor.
- I know.
946
00:37:09,186 --> 00:37:10,729
I'm gonna be a doctor.
947
00:37:10,812 --> 00:37:11,730
I know. I heard you.
948
00:37:11,813 --> 00:37:13,565
I'm gonna be a doctor!
949
00:37:13,649 --> 00:37:14,983
I know you're gonna be a doctor.
950
00:37:15,067 --> 00:37:16,628
Why do you keep saying
you're gonna be a doctor?
951
00:37:16,652 --> 00:37:19,196
I'm not saying it to you.
I'm saying it to me.
952
00:37:19,279 --> 00:37:22,157
You have to say it over
and over and over at first
953
00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:24,159
so you know
the other person heard you,
954
00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:26,411
and then again and again
to remind yourself
955
00:37:26,495 --> 00:37:28,497
that you're actually
gonna be a doctor,
956
00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:31,041
and then over and over
so you remember
957
00:37:31,124 --> 00:37:33,502
you're gonna be a doctor
and you don't forget
958
00:37:33,585 --> 00:37:36,505
and you don't lose focus
and you don't get pregnant!
959
00:37:36,588 --> 00:37:38,840
- Mei...
- I go to bed saying
I'm gonna be a doctor.
960
00:37:38,924 --> 00:37:40,676
I wake up saying
I'm gonna be a doctor.
961
00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:42,678
I know.
I've woken up next to you.
962
00:37:42,761 --> 00:37:44,441
You're gonna be a doctor.
It's a done deal.
963
00:37:44,513 --> 00:37:45,907
You got a residency
interview tomorrow.
964
00:37:45,931 --> 00:37:47,265
- It's gonna happen.
- Oh, my God.
965
00:37:47,349 --> 00:37:48,976
I've got a residency
interview tomorrow.
966
00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:50,978
- Go. Get on a train.
- But I'm pregnant.
967
00:37:51,061 --> 00:37:52,621
- I think it's safe.
- There's jostling.
968
00:37:52,688 --> 00:37:55,691
Mei, we'll figure it out.
We've got time.
969
00:37:55,774 --> 00:37:57,693
I've fucked up
a lot of things in my life.
970
00:37:57,776 --> 00:38:00,320
I'm not gonna fuck this up, too.
Let me get you a taxi.
971
00:38:00,404 --> 00:38:01,697
I've got one outside.
972
00:38:01,780 --> 00:38:03,407
Then go.
973
00:38:06,243 --> 00:38:08,245
And call me from the station.
974
00:38:08,328 --> 00:38:10,288
And as soon
as you get to Chicago.
975
00:38:10,372 --> 00:38:12,541
And when you get to your hotel.
And when...
976
00:38:12,624 --> 00:38:14,668
I'll call a lot. I promise.
977
00:38:16,128 --> 00:38:17,879
You're gonna be a doctor.
978
00:39:10,348 --> 00:39:11,933
Alfie.
979
00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:13,602
You're very mad at me.
980
00:39:13,685 --> 00:39:16,021
I've been looking
all over for you.
981
00:39:16,104 --> 00:39:17,564
That is not a spice.
982
00:39:17,647 --> 00:39:19,357
I may have just
snorted gunpowder.
983
00:39:19,441 --> 00:39:21,902
Goddamn, Alfie, there's a room
full of people waiting for you.
984
00:39:21,985 --> 00:39:24,071
- I am aware.
- But you don't give a shit?
985
00:39:24,154 --> 00:39:26,114
I didn't say that.
986
00:39:26,198 --> 00:39:28,200
- You been drinking?
- I thought about it.
987
00:39:28,283 --> 00:39:29,910
So you're just doing
a little shopping.
988
00:39:29,993 --> 00:39:31,536
Getting a jump on Christmas?
989
00:39:31,620 --> 00:39:34,581
You know, it was just about
20 years ago to the day
990
00:39:34,664 --> 00:39:37,459
that I won the
Major Bowes Amateur Hour.
991
00:39:37,542 --> 00:39:39,586
- I was 12.
- Impressive.
992
00:39:39,669 --> 00:39:41,463
Orson Welles took me to lunch.
993
00:39:41,546 --> 00:39:43,090
He ordered for both of us.
994
00:39:43,173 --> 00:39:45,842
Then he asked
a very pertinent question:
995
00:39:45,926 --> 00:39:49,221
"What does it mean for
a magician to perform on radio?"
996
00:39:49,304 --> 00:39:52,099
- That's a pretty good question.
- And then he ate both lunches.
997
00:39:52,182 --> 00:39:53,600
Sounds like Orson.
998
00:39:53,683 --> 00:39:55,602
When he finished,
he went to the john
999
00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:58,605
and I drank his martini,
and I liked it.
1000
00:39:58,688 --> 00:40:01,191
It was like punch
but with that terrific snap.
1001
00:40:01,274 --> 00:40:03,235
Can't guess what this is.
I'm buying it.
1002
00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:04,903
Alfie, do not do
what you're doing.
1003
00:40:04,986 --> 00:40:07,197
- What am I doing?
- You're talking
yourself out of it.
1004
00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:08,615
Am I?
1005
00:40:08,698 --> 00:40:10,325
You are the best I've seen.
1006
00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:12,410
You are not a hack.
You're special.
1007
00:40:12,494 --> 00:40:13,745
I really believe that.
1008
00:40:13,829 --> 00:40:15,372
You can do this.
Let me help you.
1009
00:40:15,455 --> 00:40:18,041
I don't know. I just feel...
1010
00:40:18,125 --> 00:40:19,709
What? What do you feel?
1011
00:40:19,793 --> 00:40:21,211
Everything.
1012
00:40:22,671 --> 00:40:24,464
I got a good eye, Alfie.
1013
00:40:24,548 --> 00:40:26,758
You are client number two
of what's gonna be a roster
1014
00:40:26,842 --> 00:40:28,426
of groundbreaking
fucking clients,
1015
00:40:28,510 --> 00:40:30,095
so I am not giving up on you.
1016
00:40:30,178 --> 00:40:32,681
Lost causes...
Is that your specialty?
1017
00:40:32,764 --> 00:40:34,808
I don't know.
Ask Sigmund fucking Freud.
1018
00:40:34,891 --> 00:40:36,643
I can, you know.
I talk to the dead.
1019
00:40:36,726 --> 00:40:38,979
Fine. Tell Siggie to watch you,
because goddamn it,
1020
00:40:39,062 --> 00:40:41,462
you are getting back up there,
because if you are gonna fail,
1021
00:40:41,523 --> 00:40:42,899
you're gonna fail
with an audience
1022
00:40:42,983 --> 00:40:44,693
and you are gonna fail
spectacularly.
1023
00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:46,778
- Is this a pep talk?
- Hell yes.
1024
00:40:46,862 --> 00:40:48,572
It's using
the word "fail" a lot.
1025
00:40:48,655 --> 00:40:50,907
But you get the gist.
1026
00:40:50,991 --> 00:40:53,535
Now, you are not
going on tonight.
1027
00:40:53,618 --> 00:40:56,079
Hmm? I'm gonna buy that thing
for you that you want,
1028
00:40:56,163 --> 00:40:58,206
and you're gonna go home
and play with it,
1029
00:40:58,290 --> 00:41:00,143
and once it breaks,
'cause all this shit in here
1030
00:41:00,167 --> 00:41:02,752
lasts like a minute,
you are gonna start practicing
1031
00:41:02,836 --> 00:41:04,671
for the new gig I am booking
for you tomorrow.
1032
00:41:04,754 --> 00:41:06,631
That man at the club
will be very upset.
1033
00:41:06,715 --> 00:41:08,175
He's not a man. He's Joel.
1034
00:41:08,258 --> 00:41:10,010
I'll deal with him.
1035
00:41:10,093 --> 00:41:12,387
Just don't drink. Okay?
1036
00:41:12,470 --> 00:41:14,181
Because you are
the lousiest, sloppiest
1037
00:41:14,264 --> 00:41:16,725
fucking drunk I've ever met.
1038
00:41:16,808 --> 00:41:18,602
Now, where's
that thing you want?
1039
00:41:18,685 --> 00:41:20,353
It's in your pocket.
1040
00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:26,276
Motherfuck, you are good.
1041
00:41:38,788 --> 00:41:40,707
I'm trying to get the fuck
away from her.
1042
00:41:40,790 --> 00:41:43,418
- I know.
- This is not getting
the fuck away from her.
1043
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:45,629
It's money.
It's anonymous money.
1044
00:41:45,712 --> 00:41:47,172
She's an evil genius.
1045
00:41:47,255 --> 00:41:50,008
Patricia Highsmith modeled every
psycho in every book after her.
1046
00:41:50,091 --> 00:41:51,927
I need the cash.
I need a fridge.
1047
00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:53,553
She sent me luggage and a car.
1048
00:41:53,637 --> 00:41:55,055
It's local. No travel.
1049
00:41:55,138 --> 00:41:58,225
No? Too bad, 'cause I have
luggage and a car you could use.
1050
00:42:02,979 --> 00:42:04,564
Susie?
1051
00:42:04,648 --> 00:42:06,066
These are housewives.
1052
00:42:06,149 --> 00:42:08,109
- You can't say "tits."
- I won't say "tits."
1053
00:42:08,193 --> 00:42:10,111
You think you can do this
without saying "tits"?
1054
00:42:10,195 --> 00:42:11,404
I think I can.
1055
00:42:11,488 --> 00:42:13,114
Fuck!
1056
00:42:19,663 --> 00:42:21,373
She had sex with Cubby O'Brien.
1057
00:42:21,456 --> 00:42:23,375
So? Wait, what?
1058
00:42:23,458 --> 00:42:25,335
The Mouseketeer?
I don't believe that.
1059
00:42:25,418 --> 00:42:26,729
You really want to work
for a woman
1060
00:42:26,753 --> 00:42:28,088
who defiled
America's sweetheart?
1061
00:42:28,171 --> 00:42:30,548
I don't think Cubby O'Brien
is America's sweetheart.
1062
00:42:30,632 --> 00:42:33,927
America loves goddamn
Cubby O'Brien, Miriam! Wake up!
1063
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:37,681
Fuck!
1064
00:42:43,353 --> 00:42:45,397
Mrs. Weissman, follow me.
1065
00:42:58,827 --> 00:43:00,745
- Rose Weissman.
- Hmm.
1066
00:43:00,829 --> 00:43:02,789
We finally meet face-to-face.
1067
00:43:02,872 --> 00:43:04,332
You find the place okay?
1068
00:43:04,416 --> 00:43:05,959
I did. It's lovely.
1069
00:43:06,042 --> 00:43:07,752
I've never been
to Brighton Beach before.
1070
00:43:07,836 --> 00:43:09,879
- It feels like such a treat.
- Please sit.
1071
00:43:13,049 --> 00:43:14,384
I'm Benedetta.
1072
00:43:14,467 --> 00:43:15,802
Benedetta...?
1073
00:43:15,885 --> 00:43:17,887
- No last names.
- Oh, yes.
1074
00:43:17,971 --> 00:43:19,681
You know my last name, though.
1075
00:43:19,764 --> 00:43:21,099
- I'm Gitta.
- Molly.
1076
00:43:21,182 --> 00:43:23,143
- Miss Em.
- Well, nice to meet you all.
1077
00:43:23,226 --> 00:43:24,769
Is this the whole group?
1078
00:43:24,853 --> 00:43:26,438
You drink sherry,
don't you, Rose?
1079
00:43:26,521 --> 00:43:28,481
I do. I mean,
not during the day.
1080
00:43:28,565 --> 00:43:30,442
Oh. Thank you.
1081
00:43:32,902 --> 00:43:35,613
I just have to say
I think it's a wonderful idea
1082
00:43:35,697 --> 00:43:37,657
to have a Small Business
Women's Council.
1083
00:43:37,741 --> 00:43:40,577
Women coming together
to share a common purpose.
1084
00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:42,162
It's like the Girl Scouts
1085
00:43:42,245 --> 00:43:44,039
without the annoying
camping element.
1086
00:43:44,122 --> 00:43:46,207
Ooh, the herring is
so nice today.
1087
00:43:46,291 --> 00:43:49,377
So tell me, Benedetta,
what exactly is your business?
1088
00:43:49,461 --> 00:43:51,171
Me? Oh, I help people.
1089
00:43:51,254 --> 00:43:52,297
So noble.
1090
00:43:52,380 --> 00:43:53,590
I help them find each other.
1091
00:43:53,673 --> 00:43:54,966
I help them fall in love.
1092
00:43:55,050 --> 00:43:56,217
I help them get married.
1093
00:43:56,301 --> 00:43:58,136
You sound like a matchmaker.
1094
00:43:59,220 --> 00:44:01,139
Miss Em, what is your business?
1095
00:44:01,222 --> 00:44:05,643
Well, I am what I like to call
a matrimonial matron.
1096
00:44:05,727 --> 00:44:07,896
Otherwise known as a matchmaker.
1097
00:44:07,979 --> 00:44:09,647
Gitta,
what about you?
1098
00:44:09,731 --> 00:44:11,399
Matchmaker. Pass the mustard.
1099
00:44:11,483 --> 00:44:13,151
- Molly?
- I am a nurse part-time,
1100
00:44:13,234 --> 00:44:15,153
and I teach clogging
on the weekends.
1101
00:44:15,236 --> 00:44:16,863
I'm kidding.
1102
00:44:16,946 --> 00:44:18,198
I'm a matchmaker.
1103
00:44:18,281 --> 00:44:19,699
What about you, Rose Weissman?
1104
00:44:19,783 --> 00:44:21,785
Well, I'm also a matchmaker.
1105
00:44:21,868 --> 00:44:25,038
And how long have you been
a matchmaker, Rose Weissman?
1106
00:44:25,121 --> 00:44:26,289
You know, "Rose" is fine.
1107
00:44:26,373 --> 00:44:28,333
Rose Weissman has not
answered my question.
1108
00:44:28,416 --> 00:44:30,418
And she also hasn't
passed the mustard.
1109
00:44:30,502 --> 00:44:33,630
Well, I'm relatively new
to the game. A few months.
1110
00:44:33,713 --> 00:44:35,149
You seem to be doing
very well for yourself
1111
00:44:35,173 --> 00:44:36,174
in such a short time.
1112
00:44:36,257 --> 00:44:37,550
- Beginner's luck.
- Uh-huh.
1113
00:44:37,634 --> 00:44:39,677
Have you ever seen a dog
try to eat the kibble
1114
00:44:39,761 --> 00:44:41,388
out of another dog's dish,
Rose Weissman?
1115
00:44:41,471 --> 00:44:43,264
- Thankfully, no.
- It's ugly.
1116
00:44:43,348 --> 00:44:45,683
- Very ugly.
- A dog has one dish.
1117
00:44:45,767 --> 00:44:47,620
He shouldn't have to share
his kibble with anyone.
1118
00:44:47,644 --> 00:44:49,729
Ladies, I think there's been
a misunderstanding.
1119
00:44:49,813 --> 00:44:51,648
So you're not working
as a matchmaker?
1120
00:44:51,731 --> 00:44:52,982
Well, yes, I am.
1121
00:44:53,066 --> 00:44:54,734
But I assure you
I'm not trying to eat
1122
00:44:54,818 --> 00:44:56,611
the kibble out of anyone's dish.
1123
00:44:56,694 --> 00:44:58,530
You bagged the Melamid girls.
1124
00:44:58,613 --> 00:45:01,116
- Melamid's my territory.
- I don't understand.
1125
00:45:01,199 --> 00:45:03,326
Manhattan is divided up
into territories.
1126
00:45:03,410 --> 00:45:05,388
It's the only way to keep
the peace after the wars.
1127
00:45:05,412 --> 00:45:06,496
The wars?
1128
00:45:06,579 --> 00:45:09,082
You don't want to know
about the wars.
1129
00:45:09,165 --> 00:45:11,126
Lost a lot of good ladies
in the wars.
1130
00:45:11,209 --> 00:45:15,296
However, once everyone got
their piece, the wars stopped.
1131
00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:17,173
Now we each have our territory.
1132
00:45:17,257 --> 00:45:19,134
Little Italy, Lower East Side.
1133
00:45:19,217 --> 00:45:21,886
Upper Manhattan, Harlem,
Washington Heights.
1134
00:45:21,970 --> 00:45:23,847
West End, Midtown,
Hell's Kitchen.
1135
00:45:23,930 --> 00:45:25,974
Jews are everywhere,
but I stick to the Jews,
1136
00:45:26,057 --> 00:45:27,600
and Melamid's a Jew.
1137
00:45:27,684 --> 00:45:30,812
Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know
about the territories.
1138
00:45:30,895 --> 00:45:33,148
- You got our letter,
didn't you?
- What letter?
1139
00:45:33,231 --> 00:45:34,291
The letter that you ignored.
1140
00:45:34,315 --> 00:45:35,817
The one that said "stop."
1141
00:45:35,900 --> 00:45:37,819
Oh, that letter.
1142
00:45:37,902 --> 00:45:39,946
Yes, I did get it.
1143
00:45:40,029 --> 00:45:41,531
I just didn't understand it.
1144
00:45:41,614 --> 00:45:42,907
You didn't understand "stop"?
1145
00:45:42,991 --> 00:45:44,742
- It's one word.
- What are you, an idiot?
1146
00:45:44,826 --> 00:45:46,327
No. I understand it now.
1147
00:45:46,411 --> 00:45:47,328
Good.
1148
00:45:47,412 --> 00:45:48,663
But, ladies, really,
1149
00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:50,540
New York is such a big city.
1150
00:45:50,623 --> 00:45:52,834
Surely, there's enough business
to go around.
1151
00:45:52,917 --> 00:45:55,170
I don't think
you've been listening to us.
1152
00:45:55,253 --> 00:45:56,921
You are not welcome.
1153
00:45:57,005 --> 00:45:58,423
You are intruding.
1154
00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:02,051
You are competition
that we do not need or want.
1155
00:46:02,135 --> 00:46:04,471
Now, we are ladies,
and as ladies,
1156
00:46:04,554 --> 00:46:06,264
we wanted to give you a chance.
1157
00:46:06,347 --> 00:46:08,117
If you had pulled this stunt
out in Staten Island,
1158
00:46:08,141 --> 00:46:09,827
all that would've
been left of you is that hat.
1159
00:46:09,851 --> 00:46:11,561
And I don't want to tell you
1160
00:46:11,644 --> 00:46:13,605
what they would've done
to the hat.
1161
00:46:13,688 --> 00:46:16,900
We can make this very, very ugly
for you if we choose to.
1162
00:46:16,983 --> 00:46:18,401
What are you saying?
1163
00:46:18,485 --> 00:46:20,403
For starters,
we know about your daughter
1164
00:46:20,487 --> 00:46:21,821
and that nudie show.
1165
00:46:21,905 --> 00:46:23,656
Mr. Melamid would not approve.
1166
00:46:23,740 --> 00:46:26,034
None of your other clients
would, either.
1167
00:46:26,117 --> 00:46:28,953
What my daughter does has
nothing to do with my business.
1168
00:46:29,037 --> 00:46:30,538
Business?
1169
00:46:30,622 --> 00:46:32,582
What do you know about business?
1170
00:46:32,665 --> 00:46:34,417
Matchmaking isn't a business.
1171
00:46:34,501 --> 00:46:37,337
It's a tradition
going back decades, centuries.
1172
00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:40,048
My family has been
pairing up Harlem
1173
00:46:40,131 --> 00:46:42,175
since Harlem had two A's in it.
1174
00:46:42,258 --> 00:46:43,259
You got to stop.
1175
00:46:43,343 --> 00:46:44,343
- Stop.
- Stop.
1176
00:46:44,385 --> 00:46:46,554
- Stop and pass the salt.
- Are we clear?
1177
00:46:48,389 --> 00:46:50,225
Good.
1178
00:46:51,267 --> 00:46:52,727
Now...
1179
00:46:52,810 --> 00:46:53,853
shall we eat?
1180
00:46:53,937 --> 00:46:54,979
Mm.
1181
00:46:55,063 --> 00:46:56,439
The cutlets here are so thin.
1182
00:46:56,523 --> 00:46:58,441
And crispy.
1183
00:46:58,525 --> 00:47:01,319
That is a lovely hat,
by the way.
1184
00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:04,239
It's a good
audience today.
1185
00:47:04,322 --> 00:47:06,616
Mostly tourists, a few locals,
couple of nuns. The usual.
1186
00:47:06,699 --> 00:47:08,284
I'll try not
to insult the pope.
1187
00:47:08,368 --> 00:47:09,688
Crowd work's
always good.
1188
00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:11,496
They love it,
so feel free to interact.
1189
00:47:11,579 --> 00:47:12,997
And at some point,
we'll be throwing
1190
00:47:13,081 --> 00:47:14,999
game-branded pot holders out
to everybody.
1191
00:47:15,083 --> 00:47:17,085
- They love pot holders.
- As do I.
1192
00:47:17,168 --> 00:47:18,795
Just keep in mind
that the one thing
1193
00:47:18,878 --> 00:47:20,171
everyone out there has in common
1194
00:47:20,255 --> 00:47:22,340
is the thing we all have
in common: we love Sophie.
1195
00:47:22,423 --> 00:47:23,841
Sorry.
1196
00:47:23,925 --> 00:47:26,177
- Yes. We love Sophie.
- Ten seconds to warm-up!
1197
00:47:26,261 --> 00:47:29,138
Okay, looks like we're ready.
Go out there and have fun.
1198
00:47:29,222 --> 00:47:30,848
I'm gonna wander around
a little.
1199
00:47:30,932 --> 00:47:32,850
Break a leg.
Better yet, break Sophie's.
1200
00:47:32,934 --> 00:47:35,144
Go on. I'll see you later.
1201
00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:39,190
Good afternoon, everyone.
1202
00:47:40,483 --> 00:47:43,069
You ready to see Seconds Count!
With Sophie Lennon?
1203
00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:47,740
That's too bad,
because this is a cooking show.
1204
00:47:47,824 --> 00:47:50,118
Who likes salmon casserole?
1205
00:47:50,201 --> 00:47:52,453
No, no,
you're in the right place.
1206
00:47:52,537 --> 00:47:54,581
So, a couple of things
to keep in mind today.
1207
00:47:54,664 --> 00:47:58,293
No smoking, no snacking,
and when that red light goes on,
1208
00:47:58,376 --> 00:48:00,169
it means the Russians
are invading.
1209
00:48:00,253 --> 00:48:02,630
Or we're rolling.
One of the two.
1210
00:48:02,714 --> 00:48:04,340
Both are pretty exciting.
1211
00:48:04,424 --> 00:48:06,301
And when Sophie comes out,
I'm gonna need you
1212
00:48:06,384 --> 00:48:08,136
to yell like
your hair's on fire.
1213
00:48:08,219 --> 00:48:10,263
And if at any point
your hair really is on fire,
1214
00:48:10,346 --> 00:48:12,181
the exits are there and there.
1215
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:17,228
Boy, good-looking crowd today.
1216
00:48:17,312 --> 00:48:18,813
You two look like
you're in love.
1217
00:48:18,896 --> 00:48:20,607
- Am I wrong?
- We're engaged.
1218
00:48:20,690 --> 00:48:22,150
Aw.
1219
00:48:22,233 --> 00:48:23,985
Exciting.
1220
00:48:24,068 --> 00:48:25,862
And do you want kids right away?
1221
00:48:25,945 --> 00:48:27,780
- Uh, uh, I think so.
- Yes.
1222
00:48:27,864 --> 00:48:29,282
Great. Well,
I've got two for you.
1223
00:48:29,365 --> 00:48:30,645
Their names are
Ethan and Esther.
1224
00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:32,261
I'll have them bathed
and delivered to you.
1225
00:48:32,285 --> 00:48:33,745
Just feed and water them
regularly.
1226
00:48:33,828 --> 00:48:35,955
Nice doing business with you.
1227
00:48:40,877 --> 00:48:43,421
Hi there. Susie Myerson,
talent manager.
1228
00:48:43,504 --> 00:48:45,548
Just dropping by
to say hello to Mike Carr.
1229
00:48:45,632 --> 00:48:47,550
Following up on a lunch
from a couple weeks ago.
1230
00:48:47,634 --> 00:48:49,927
- You on the list?
- Sure. Who do I see
about the list?
1231
00:48:50,011 --> 00:48:52,055
Me. Your name's Susie Myerson?
1232
00:48:52,138 --> 00:48:55,224
Actually, it's, uh...
Carol Jacobson.
1233
00:48:55,308 --> 00:48:58,019
- Yep. There I am.
- So you're Gordon's stepmother?
1234
00:48:58,102 --> 00:48:59,812
Yep. Love him like my own.
1235
00:48:59,896 --> 00:49:01,564
Keep walking.
1236
00:49:01,648 --> 00:49:03,983
It's always "keep walking"
with these people.
1237
00:49:07,862 --> 00:49:09,006
So I'm getting the sense that
1238
00:49:09,030 --> 00:49:10,615
a lot of you are
from out of town.
1239
00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:12,784
Let's see a show of hands.
Come on.
1240
00:49:12,867 --> 00:49:16,371
And how many of you are toting
New York City guidebooks?
1241
00:49:16,454 --> 00:49:17,664
Some of you have 'em.
1242
00:49:17,747 --> 00:49:19,415
Fess up. Uh-huh.
1243
00:49:19,499 --> 00:49:21,042
Let me see that.
1244
00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:23,145
You know, this is the only place
in the world where you can see
1245
00:49:23,169 --> 00:49:24,929
a Broadway musical,
a game show and a mugging
1246
00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:26,422
all in one day.
1247
00:49:26,506 --> 00:49:28,007
Let's see. Says here,
1248
00:49:28,091 --> 00:49:31,386
"For your own safety,
try not to look like a tourist."
1249
00:49:31,469 --> 00:49:34,055
Which is tough when
you're carrying a guidebook.
1250
00:49:34,138 --> 00:49:36,766
I guess they just want you to
look like a very stupid local.
1251
00:49:36,849 --> 00:49:38,685
What's with the laughs?
1252
00:49:38,768 --> 00:49:40,228
It's your girl. She's good.
1253
00:49:40,311 --> 00:49:41,729
Very good. Crowd loves her.
1254
00:49:41,813 --> 00:49:43,272
Oh, good.
1255
00:49:43,356 --> 00:49:45,149
It's going to work.
1256
00:49:47,110 --> 00:49:48,587
...walk around
with a hobo stick
1257
00:49:48,611 --> 00:49:50,211
and a half-drunk bottle
of Canadian Club,
1258
00:49:50,238 --> 00:49:52,156
and no one will come
within a mile of you.
1259
00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:54,575
She's so funny!
1260
00:49:54,659 --> 00:49:56,661
She's a riot.
1261
00:49:56,744 --> 00:50:00,415
"Coney Island: a great
spot to visit for a day trip."
1262
00:50:00,498 --> 00:50:03,710
"New Yorkers walk quickly,
so consider picking up the pace
1263
00:50:03,793 --> 00:50:05,837
so you don't annoy the locals."
1264
00:50:05,920 --> 00:50:07,880
The other good way
not to annoy the locals?
1265
00:50:07,964 --> 00:50:11,092
Leave town.
1266
00:50:11,175 --> 00:50:13,010
Whoa. Was it that funny?
1267
00:50:13,094 --> 00:50:15,221
No, but I am.
1268
00:50:19,142 --> 00:50:21,686
Sophie, hello.
1269
00:50:21,769 --> 00:50:24,147
- Is the show starting?
- Oh, in a few minutes.
1270
00:50:24,230 --> 00:50:25,898
I just thought I'd come out here
1271
00:50:25,982 --> 00:50:29,318
and say hi
to these beautiful people.
1272
00:50:29,402 --> 00:50:31,154
Aw.
1273
00:50:31,237 --> 00:50:34,031
Oh, sounds like you're done
with the appetizer
1274
00:50:34,115 --> 00:50:36,409
and want to get
to the entrée, huh?
1275
00:50:36,492 --> 00:50:37,994
Good deal, Sophie, but you know,
1276
00:50:38,077 --> 00:50:39,579
rushing a meal
could give you gas.
1277
00:50:41,372 --> 00:50:45,752
Not unless the appetizer's rich,
so we're fine.
1278
00:50:45,835 --> 00:50:48,588
Let's take a poll, huh?
You want me to leave?
1279
00:50:48,671 --> 00:50:50,339
No!
1280
00:50:50,423 --> 00:50:52,341
The people have spoken.
1281
00:50:52,425 --> 00:50:54,510
Ah.
1282
00:50:54,594 --> 00:50:58,848
Now, let me be
your guide to New York.
1283
00:50:58,931 --> 00:51:01,184
Don't bother with lunch
at Tavern on the Green.
1284
00:51:01,267 --> 00:51:03,060
You want to get day-drunk
in Central Park,
1285
00:51:03,144 --> 00:51:05,104
grab a bottle and meet me
in the Ramble.
1286
00:51:06,939 --> 00:51:09,275
My advice? Skip the
horse-and-carriage ride.
1287
00:51:09,358 --> 00:51:11,336
If you're looking to get
bounced around while breathing
1288
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:13,237
the smell of manure,
hail one of our cabs.
1289
00:51:15,198 --> 00:51:17,200
And you can skip
the carousel in Central Park.
1290
00:51:17,283 --> 00:51:19,076
If you want to go around
in circles
1291
00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:22,246
with a bunch of idiot children,
come to my writers' room, huh?
1292
00:51:22,330 --> 00:51:25,166
And there's no need to schlep to
the Museum of Natural History.
1293
00:51:25,249 --> 00:51:26,834
If you want to gawk
at a dinosaur,
1294
00:51:26,918 --> 00:51:28,252
you're already
in the right place.
1295
00:51:28,336 --> 00:51:29,938
Oh, so funny.
1296
00:51:29,962 --> 00:51:33,132
So, so funny.
1297
00:51:35,802 --> 00:51:37,678
Mike.
1298
00:51:37,762 --> 00:51:40,932
Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike.
1299
00:51:41,015 --> 00:51:42,892
Mike. Mike.
1300
00:51:42,975 --> 00:51:44,519
- What?
- Susie Myerson.
1301
00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:46,562
From the Stage Deli.
1302
00:51:46,646 --> 00:51:48,523
- Sophie Lennon?
- Right. How you doing?
1303
00:51:48,606 --> 00:51:50,817
The Sophie Lennon thing
went good, you got to admit.
1304
00:51:50,900 --> 00:51:52,777
- Gordon was happy.
- So I'm one for one.
1305
00:51:52,860 --> 00:51:54,862
Listen, I got a client,
a killer comic.
1306
00:51:54,946 --> 00:51:56,739
She is wowing 'em
out there, man.
1307
00:51:56,823 --> 00:51:58,491
And Gordon's show is
the perfect place
1308
00:51:58,574 --> 00:51:59,951
to break her on national TV.
1309
00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:02,137
Thought I'd offer her to you
before I go to Jack Paar.
1310
00:52:02,161 --> 00:52:03,871
- Great. What's her gimmick?
- What?
1311
00:52:03,955 --> 00:52:05,832
Breakdown? Felony conviction?
Sex triangle?
1312
00:52:05,915 --> 00:52:07,792
- She's a comic.
- I don't get it.
1313
00:52:07,875 --> 00:52:10,086
- She's just
a really good comic.
- Okay.
1314
00:52:10,169 --> 00:52:12,421
Guess I can send one of my guys.
Where's she gig?
1315
00:52:12,505 --> 00:52:15,341
Oh, she's actually doing warm-up
for Sophie as we speak.
1316
00:52:15,424 --> 00:52:16,676
Never mind.
1317
00:52:16,759 --> 00:52:18,761
Uh, but her regular gig's
at a place Midtown.
1318
00:52:18,845 --> 00:52:21,055
She is selling out the room.
It's big stuff.
1319
00:52:21,138 --> 00:52:23,224
- Where, the Latin Quarter?
Roxie's?
- No.
1320
00:52:23,307 --> 00:52:25,101
- So it's a joint downtown?
- No.
1321
00:52:25,184 --> 00:52:28,521
- If you want me to see her,
where the fuck can I see her?
- Where?
1322
00:52:28,604 --> 00:52:29,939
Where?
1323
00:52:30,022 --> 00:52:32,316
I got no fucking place
for you to see her, Mike.
1324
00:52:38,197 --> 00:52:39,782
Wow, look at that hairstyle.
1325
00:52:39,866 --> 00:52:41,868
Wilt Chamberlain
couldn't see over that thing.
1326
00:52:43,369 --> 00:52:46,497
Your hair is so high,
you don't need a hair stylist,
1327
00:52:46,581 --> 00:52:49,166
you need an air traffic
controller, huh?
1328
00:52:49,250 --> 00:52:51,002
Her hair is so high,
1329
00:52:51,085 --> 00:52:53,254
her split ends have
altitude sickness.
1330
00:52:53,337 --> 00:52:54,839
Oh. Her hair is higher
1331
00:52:54,922 --> 00:52:56,924
than Midge's unpaid
dry cleaning bills.
1332
00:52:57,008 --> 00:52:59,760
Her hair is higher
than Sophie's blood pressure.
1333
00:52:59,844 --> 00:53:01,679
Her hair is higher
than the pedestal
1334
00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,222
Midge puts herself on.
1335
00:53:03,306 --> 00:53:05,391
Ha! Her hair is higher
than Sophie Lennon
1336
00:53:05,474 --> 00:53:06,893
on a Tuesday night.
1337
00:53:06,976 --> 00:53:09,729
Hell, Tuesday morning.
Hell, every morning.
1338
00:53:09,812 --> 00:53:11,397
Well, how's it going, sir?
1339
00:53:11,480 --> 00:53:13,333
- What's your name?
- Ma'am, what's your name?
- Morty.
1340
00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:14,835
- Stella.
- Morty, where are you from?
- And where are you from?
1341
00:53:14,859 --> 00:53:16,753
- Milwaukee.
- Westport, Connecticut.
- Morty from Milwaukee.
1342
00:53:16,777 --> 00:53:18,714
- That's got a nice ring. "Hey.
- Well, it's great
to have you here.
1343
00:53:18,738 --> 00:53:20,841
- I'm Morty from Milwaukee.
- If I need anything else
from you today,
1344
00:53:20,865 --> 00:53:23,427
- I'll just call out, "Stella!"
- You know my wife,
Patty from Poughkeepsie."
1345
00:53:23,451 --> 00:53:25,161
Will you turn my mic up, fellas?
1346
00:53:25,244 --> 00:53:27,139
Mine, too, fellas. Trying
to reach the back row here.
1347
00:53:27,163 --> 00:53:28,748
Stella, would you like
my autograph?
1348
00:53:28,831 --> 00:53:30,124
Be happy to give you one.
1349
00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:31,626
Or an incurable venereal disease
1350
00:53:31,709 --> 00:53:33,109
not seen since
the days of Columbus?
1351
00:53:33,169 --> 00:53:34,609
She'd be happy
to give you that, too.
1352
00:53:34,670 --> 00:53:36,047
Watch your tongue here, dear.
1353
00:53:36,130 --> 00:53:38,341
We're not in that sleazy
grind joint you work in.
1354
00:53:38,424 --> 00:53:40,635
Correct. We're on the set
of a game show.
1355
00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:42,803
Such a nice place
for an over-the-hill comedian
1356
00:53:42,887 --> 00:53:44,597
to live out her twilight years.
1357
00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:46,891
And what a game show.
1358
00:53:46,974 --> 00:53:49,894
Another poll.
1359
00:53:49,977 --> 00:53:52,897
Who loves Seconds Count!?
1360
00:53:55,733 --> 00:53:59,278
Seconds count, like when
you're defusing a bomb.
1361
00:53:59,362 --> 00:54:02,031
Which makes sense, since half
of Sophie's jokes are bombs.
1362
00:54:02,114 --> 00:54:05,368
Or like when you're pulling
the cord on a parachute.
1363
00:54:05,451 --> 00:54:07,703
Did you have to do that
when Shy Baldwin
1364
00:54:07,787 --> 00:54:10,081
kicked your ass off his plane?
1365
00:54:10,164 --> 00:54:11,844
I get the laxative
commercials now, Sophie.
1366
00:54:11,916 --> 00:54:13,918
Perfect for someone
so full of shit.
1367
00:54:14,001 --> 00:54:15,544
All righty, folks!
1368
00:54:15,628 --> 00:54:18,297
Who wants a free pot holder?
1369
00:56:58,290 --> 00:57:01,293
♪ Why can't we
be friends?