1
00:00:33,442 --> 00:00:35,534
Sorry I'm late. Had
a family emergency
2
00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:38,779
with, um... I don't know.
I want to say Chris?
3
00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:40,575
Uh, I wasn't
listening super close.
4
00:00:40,599 --> 00:00:42,599
Why don't you sit
down and drink beer
5
00:00:42,618 --> 00:00:45,527
and tell us about it instead of
being home with your family?
6
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,546
Apparently, Chris and
his girlfriend broke up.
7
00:00:47,606 --> 00:00:49,956
Something about her
wanting to see other people.
8
00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:52,609
So the doctor says
this surgery is gonna
9
00:00:52,611 --> 00:00:53,794
restore my eyesight.
10
00:00:53,962 --> 00:00:55,703
What? Oh, no.
11
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:56,871
"Oh, no"?
12
00:00:56,965 --> 00:00:59,541
But I thought you'd
be happy, Colin Farrell.
13
00:00:59,635 --> 00:01:02,043
Oi, blimey. Uh, get stuffed.
14
00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:04,121
I'm-I'm gonna see other birds.
15
00:01:04,123 --> 00:01:06,473
G-Good day, mate.
16
00:01:06,625 --> 00:01:10,402
Don't look. Don't look. I
think that's Colin Farrell.
17
00:01:10,554 --> 00:01:12,629
And this girl
was his first love.
18
00:01:12,648 --> 00:01:14,907
Poor Chris. He was
sobbing his eyes out
19
00:01:15,058 --> 00:01:16,224
when I abruptly left.
20
00:01:16,393 --> 00:01:18,560
First loves always
hit the hardest.
21
00:01:18,654 --> 00:01:21,805
I'll say. I still remember
my first real love.
22
00:01:21,824 --> 00:01:23,082
Seems like yesterday.
23
00:01:23,309 --> 00:01:24,975
Why, just thinking back
on her makes everything
24
00:01:24,993 --> 00:01:27,477
all shimmery and distorted.
25
00:01:27,496 --> 00:01:29,313
I was working for
Federal Express,
26
00:01:29,406 --> 00:01:31,090
like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.
27
00:01:31,317 --> 00:01:33,166
And just like Tom
Hanks in Cast Away,
28
00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:35,168
I said the words
"Federal Express"
29
00:01:35,321 --> 00:01:36,653
a suspicious number of times.
30
00:01:36,822 --> 00:01:39,656
Excuse me, miss. Asking as
a Federal Express employee,
31
00:01:39,675 --> 00:01:42,542
may I please get a refill
of iced tea very quickly,
32
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,995
the way Federal
Express delivers parcels?
33
00:01:45,013 --> 00:01:47,164
There was only one
thing I loved more
34
00:01:47,182 --> 00:01:48,774
than corporate-branded content,
35
00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:51,276
and that was my
fiancée, Helen Hunt.
36
00:01:51,503 --> 00:01:52,503
Hubba-hubba.
37
00:01:52,596 --> 00:01:54,073
Darn right hubba-hubba.
38
00:01:54,097 --> 00:01:55,984
You know how most
guys want their girlfriends
39
00:01:56,008 --> 00:01:57,357
to look like a pissy bird?
40
00:01:57,509 --> 00:01:59,601
Well, I was living the dream.
41
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,027
You're 17 seconds late.
42
00:02:01,180 --> 00:02:02,979
I am a Federal Express employee
43
00:02:02,981 --> 00:02:04,623
who is very obsessed with time.
44
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,366
Well, that's my fiancé.
45
00:02:06,518 --> 00:02:09,035
Give me a kiss, you
time-obsessed beardless man
46
00:02:09,188 --> 00:02:11,521
who is unable to spear a
fish with a sharpened stick.
47
00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:13,184
Remember
all that stuff for later.
48
00:02:13,208 --> 00:02:16,135
Mm, oh, I can't wait
to do more than kiss.
49
00:02:16,286 --> 00:02:18,006
Only three more
days till the wedding.
50
00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:20,455
Yep. I've got
just one last flight
51
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:23,175
across the Planecrash
Sea, and then I'm all yours.
52
00:02:23,327 --> 00:02:24,810
Little did I know.
53
00:02:24,961 --> 00:02:27,053
I'll never forget
that fateful day.
54
00:02:27,206 --> 00:02:29,055
Looking back, I
never should have
55
00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:30,794
tried to do two
fantasy football drafts
56
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,209
while flying a plane.
57
00:02:32,227 --> 00:02:35,821
- I ended up with four defenses.
- Ugh!
58
00:02:35,972 --> 00:02:37,214
FE-117,
59
00:02:37,232 --> 00:02:38,882
looks like you
got rough weather.
60
00:02:38,884 --> 00:02:40,528
Maybe you should
just do auto-draft
61
00:02:40,552 --> 00:02:42,052
for your fantasy leagues, over.
62
00:02:42,070 --> 00:02:43,737
Uh, negative, negative, Control.
63
00:02:43,889 --> 00:02:45,480
I am heterosexual, over.
64
00:02:45,574 --> 00:02:47,908
Ha. There's that clean-shaven guy
65
00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:49,387
who cannot spear
a fish with a stick
66
00:02:49,411 --> 00:02:51,295
that we all know and love.
67
00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:53,154
Damn it.
68
00:02:53,248 --> 00:02:55,399
Too bad I'm in an
airplane and can only go
69
00:02:55,417 --> 00:02:58,084
straight into a storm
and not over or around.
70
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,345
Wait, I think the
storm is breaking up.
71
00:03:00,572 --> 00:03:02,906
I was gonna make it, but then
72
00:03:02,999 --> 00:03:05,091
the plane got hit by lightning.
73
00:03:05,244 --> 00:03:06,018
Oh!
74
00:03:06,169 --> 00:03:07,502
And I somehow drafted the punter
75
00:03:07,596 --> 00:03:09,504
Jeff Feagles in
the second round.
76
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,672
Oh!
77
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,108
And it was all over.
78
00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:20,532
I was all alone on
an uncharted island.
79
00:03:20,684 --> 00:03:21,758
What could I do?
80
00:03:21,777 --> 00:03:23,109
Definitely not spear a fish
81
00:03:23,262 --> 00:03:24,761
with a hand-sharpened stick.
82
00:03:24,780 --> 00:03:27,017
'Cause remember, that was
a complete non-starter for me.
83
00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,190
If I wanted to make
it back to my Helen,
84
00:03:29,284 --> 00:03:31,268
I'd need to find
a way to survive.
85
00:03:31,286 --> 00:03:34,046
Luckily I had a whole
plane's worth of FedEx parcels
86
00:03:34,197 --> 00:03:35,363
I could open and use.
87
00:03:35,457 --> 00:03:37,365
Oh, please be
food. Please be food.
88
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:40,219
Oh, thank God, I'm
saved. Peanut brittle.
89
00:03:40,370 --> 00:03:41,053
Aah!
90
00:03:41,204 --> 00:03:43,113
"From Peter Griffin."
91
00:03:43,131 --> 00:03:45,782
Gotcha. Continue.
92
00:03:45,875 --> 00:03:49,210
But then I opened
the most important package of all.
93
00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:50,971
My only friend on the island.
94
00:03:51,123 --> 00:03:54,382
I'm gonna call you
Wilson, after Rita Wilson,
95
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,960
the most beautiful and
talented woman in Hollywood.
96
00:03:56,979 --> 00:03:59,571
The true first lady
of American culture.
97
00:03:59,798 --> 00:04:02,466
I swear, I didn't say all
that stuff just so Tom Hanks
98
00:04:02,484 --> 00:04:03,659
would let us do this movie.
99
00:04:08,657 --> 00:04:09,806
Character development.
100
00:04:09,825 --> 00:04:11,157
I had been on that island
101
00:04:11,310 --> 00:04:12,325
for four years.
102
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,068
Man, I've been on this island
103
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:16,237
for somewhere between
two and seven years.
104
00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:18,924
I'm not sure which 'cause I'm
no longer obsessed with time.
105
00:04:19,075 --> 00:04:20,150
That's more
character development.
106
00:04:20,168 --> 00:04:22,210
Anyway, all these years later,
107
00:04:22,321 --> 00:04:24,838
I still couldn't get Helen
Hunt out of my mind.
108
00:04:24,990 --> 00:04:26,710
I was going nuts
thinking about her.
109
00:04:26,825 --> 00:04:28,341
Oh, Helen...
110
00:04:28,510 --> 00:04:30,994
Oh come on, get it together.
Think of something else.
111
00:04:31,087 --> 00:04:33,847
Think of anything
besides Helen Hunt.
112
00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:35,832
Oh, almost Helen Hunt.
113
00:04:35,851 --> 00:04:37,276
Enough was enough.
114
00:04:37,427 --> 00:04:40,279
I decided to build a raft
and get back to my beloved.
115
00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:42,070
But what to make
the raft out of?
116
00:04:42,098 --> 00:04:43,857
Got to be something I can use.
117
00:04:44,009 --> 00:04:45,951
What floats? What floats?
118
00:04:46,178 --> 00:04:48,662
Mm, definitely not these
footballs for Tom Brady.
119
00:04:49,865 --> 00:04:51,373
Straight to the bottom.
120
00:04:57,689 --> 00:04:59,447
I wonder.
121
00:04:59,525 --> 00:05:00,690
Aah!
122
00:05:00,709 --> 00:05:03,376
Two for two. Continue.
123
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,028
I was able to float away
124
00:05:05,121 --> 00:05:07,697
on a raft made out
of the giant joke box.
125
00:05:07,791 --> 00:05:10,976
It was me and Wilson and
this one other kind of lame guy.
126
00:05:11,127 --> 00:05:12,311
Boy, you hoist a sail,
127
00:05:12,538 --> 00:05:14,813
then where did the
wind go? Am I right?
128
00:05:14,964 --> 00:05:16,648
I just saw you take
a dump in the ocean.
129
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,650
I'm not really looking to chat.
130
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,227
Days passed.
131
00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:22,988
Wilson and I were all alone.
132
00:05:23,215 --> 00:05:27,141
No drinking water
and no food, except...
133
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:28,643
Nope, not this time.
134
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,387
Eh, you're
no fun. Continue.
135
00:05:30,389 --> 00:05:32,998
But then disaster struck.
136
00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:43,991
Aah! Aah!
137
00:05:44,127 --> 00:05:46,636
No. No! Wilson!
138
00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:49,255
Eventually I moved on
139
00:05:49,408 --> 00:05:52,425
and largely forgot about Wilson.
140
00:06:11,096 --> 00:06:12,353
Why are you smiling, honey?
141
00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:14,664
Oh, I used to
bone that volleyball.
142
00:06:18,027 --> 00:06:19,597
I don't remember
much after that.
143
00:06:19,621 --> 00:06:22,881
Apparently I was picked
up by some cargo ship.
144
00:06:23,108 --> 00:06:24,343
But then, wouldn't you know it,
145
00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:27,034
the ship got taken
over by Somali pirates.
146
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,054
Look at me. Look at me.
147
00:06:29,281 --> 00:06:31,539
We are doing this movie now.
148
00:06:31,633 --> 00:06:34,095
Then that
Somali pirate did a bunch of stuff
149
00:06:34,119 --> 00:06:35,279
and then nothing
else ever again,
150
00:06:35,303 --> 00:06:37,120
and eventually I got back home.
151
00:06:37,213 --> 00:06:39,122
After years and years away,
152
00:06:39,141 --> 00:06:42,067
it was finally time
to see my Helen.
153
00:06:42,218 --> 00:06:43,960
Oh, my God, you're alive.
154
00:06:43,979 --> 00:06:46,053
I thought about you
every day, Helen.
155
00:06:46,148 --> 00:06:48,367
You're the reason I
stayed alive all these years.
156
00:06:48,391 --> 00:06:50,575
I never stopped loving you.
157
00:06:50,727 --> 00:06:52,560
I'm-I'm sorry.
158
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,746
I got back together
with Paul Reiser.
159
00:06:54,973 --> 00:06:55,973
What?
160
00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:57,209
We did a Mad About You reboot
161
00:06:57,233 --> 00:06:58,491
on Spectrum Originals.
162
00:06:58,585 --> 00:06:59,971
Which just sounds fake.
163
00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:01,235
I mean, did you
watch any of that?
164
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,921
Do you even know anyone who...
165
00:07:03,072 --> 00:07:05,924
I-I... Like, I literally do
not know one person
166
00:07:06,075 --> 00:07:07,834
who saw, like, a
single minute of that.
167
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,243
I'm so sorry.
168
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,838
I was devastated.
169
00:07:11,990 --> 00:07:14,007
Helen was my first true love...
170
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,083
The only woman I ever wanted...
171
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,103
And she had moved on without me.
172
00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:20,490
Fortunately, five years
later, they invented
173
00:07:20,590 --> 00:07:22,441
portable pornography
on telephones,
174
00:07:22,592 --> 00:07:24,712
and I've literally never
thought about her since.
175
00:07:32,194 --> 00:07:36,196
Well, that was a touching
tale of first love, Quagmire.
176
00:07:36,348 --> 00:07:39,015
And I googled Spectrum
Originals, by the way.
177
00:07:39,108 --> 00:07:42,109
Found nothing. Zero matches.
178
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,111
Nothing on Ask Jeeves either,
179
00:07:44,189 --> 00:07:46,948
but they don't always
have everything.
180
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,967
Anyway, I remember
my first love.
181
00:07:49,118 --> 00:07:51,695
It's quite an interesting story.
182
00:07:51,713 --> 00:07:53,955
Okay, guess I'll be
going last tonight.
183
00:07:54,032 --> 00:07:57,200
This was back in the early '60s.
184
00:07:57,293 --> 00:07:59,552
I was working at
a hoity-toity camp
185
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:00,870
for rich Jewish people.
186
00:08:00,964 --> 00:08:02,125
Are you Jewish in this?
187
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,057
No.
188
00:08:06,469 --> 00:08:08,229
Anyway, this camp
was highly renowned
189
00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:11,397
for offering exclusively
clean dancing.
190
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:14,234
You are the cleanest
dancer I ever met.
191
00:08:14,386 --> 00:08:16,386
It's why we come
here every year.
192
00:08:16,479 --> 00:08:18,549
But all the while,
I was being watched
193
00:08:18,573 --> 00:08:21,482
by the prettiest
girl in the camp.
194
00:08:21,576 --> 00:08:25,395
Her name was Jennifer Schnozz,
and I saw her everywhere.
195
00:08:25,413 --> 00:08:28,898
Seems like she was always
sniffing around someplace.
196
00:08:28,917 --> 00:08:30,400
Okay.
197
00:08:30,493 --> 00:08:33,236
Daytimes were
reserved for clean dancing,
198
00:08:33,405 --> 00:08:35,013
but at night,
someone would bring
199
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,832
a very large watermelon
to the staff cabin,
200
00:08:37,909 --> 00:08:39,070
and for some reason, that meant
201
00:08:39,094 --> 00:08:41,578
it was time for dirty dancing.
202
00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,842
We had booze, sexy music,
203
00:08:47,936 --> 00:08:49,861
and because it was
August by a lake,
204
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,679
lots of mosquitos.
205
00:08:57,279 --> 00:08:59,854
My favorite partner
was Dancy McGee.
206
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,040
She was the best
dancer on the staff,
207
00:09:02,191 --> 00:09:04,042
as you can tell
from this dance party
208
00:09:04,193 --> 00:09:06,861
where she's dancing
neither better nor worse
209
00:09:06,955 --> 00:09:09,530
than anyone on the staff.
210
00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:12,108
But there Jennifer was again,
211
00:09:12,127 --> 00:09:14,535
always with her nose
pressed against the glass,
212
00:09:14,629 --> 00:09:17,630
or anything else she was
standing three feet away from.
213
00:09:17,783 --> 00:09:19,707
Might be going
a bit hard with the nose stuff.
214
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,285
Relax, she's
fine. She got a new one.
215
00:09:22,304 --> 00:09:24,545
It was time to make my move.
216
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:25,880
Hey, do I know you?
217
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,473
Yeah. We were both in Red Dawn
218
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:30,885
and we probably had sex on
set and then you dumped me
219
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,623
and now we famously
hate each other.
220
00:09:32,647 --> 00:09:34,239
Oh, yeah, Jennifer.
221
00:09:34,390 --> 00:09:37,909
Well, welcome to
the Poke-a-nose.
222
00:09:38,136 --> 00:09:39,964
That was kind of my
joke around camp.
223
00:09:39,988 --> 00:09:41,282
People loved it,
way better than my
224
00:09:41,306 --> 00:09:43,230
"welcome to the Catskills" bit.
225
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:46,233
I was not invited
back to that camp.
226
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,569
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
227
00:09:48,738 --> 00:09:50,571
What's the matter?
228
00:09:50,665 --> 00:09:52,482
It's-it's my jaw.
229
00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:53,817
It's very clicky.
230
00:09:53,910 --> 00:09:55,927
I th... I think I have TMJ.
231
00:09:56,154 --> 00:09:57,912
- TMJ?
- Oh, no!
232
00:09:57,989 --> 00:09:59,467
I hear that causes
mild discomfort
233
00:09:59,491 --> 00:10:01,451
but doesn't otherwise
interfere with lifestyle.
234
00:10:01,493 --> 00:10:03,137
Of course,
back then, it was illegal
235
00:10:03,161 --> 00:10:04,344
to get jaw surgery.
236
00:10:04,496 --> 00:10:06,329
The only places that would do it
237
00:10:06,348 --> 00:10:09,015
were sketchy, unsafe,
back-alley jaw clinics.
238
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:11,501
Do you want to keep the TMJ?
239
00:10:11,519 --> 00:10:14,946
Come on, Joe.
I'm single, I'm poor,
240
00:10:15,098 --> 00:10:16,667
I work at a Jewish
camp for tips.
241
00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:17,949
Ugh. Brutal.
242
00:10:18,026 --> 00:10:20,510
What's three percent
of frugal, am I right?
243
00:10:20,528 --> 00:10:22,011
Not the year for it, Peter.
244
00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:24,347
But, Dancy, what about
the big talent show?
245
00:10:24,366 --> 00:10:27,016
Dancy was gonna be my
partner at the camp talent show,
246
00:10:27,035 --> 00:10:29,961
which is the most important
thing in this whole story.
247
00:10:30,113 --> 00:10:31,796
After I get my jaw surgery,
248
00:10:31,948 --> 00:10:33,798
I'm gonna be in
mouth recovery, Joe.
249
00:10:33,950 --> 00:10:35,208
I'm out.
250
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:38,044
What? Then who am I
supposed to dance with?
251
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,954
Literally any one of
these other women
252
00:10:40,048 --> 00:10:42,456
- we just saw dancing?
- I'll do it.
253
00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:43,550
Ugh.
254
00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:45,012
I know I've never danced before,
255
00:10:45,036 --> 00:10:46,036
but you could teach me.
256
00:10:46,129 --> 00:10:47,887
All right, I'll give you a shot,
257
00:10:48,039 --> 00:10:49,239
but you better not be ticklish
258
00:10:49,298 --> 00:10:51,207
if I touch the
inside of your arm
259
00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:52,542
during dance practice.
260
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,487
Y-Yeah. No, no, that-that
won't be a problem.
261
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:05,080
This is the I was talking about!
262
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,580
Wow, I guess I'm
just really bad at
263
00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:16,916
you holding me over your
head while I do nothing.
264
00:11:17,068 --> 00:11:18,918
Eh, keep practicing.
You'll get there.
265
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,972
Anyway, I like how you
always seem to drop me
266
00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:23,515
into the one warm spot
in this whole cold lake.
267
00:11:23,666 --> 00:11:27,427
Yeah, and I, uh, I like how
you're at least 18 years old.
268
00:11:27,579 --> 00:11:28,579
Actually, I'm...
269
00:11:28,671 --> 00:11:30,580
I like how you're at
least 18 years old.
270
00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:34,359
Her nickname was "Baby,"
which means over 18 years old.
271
00:11:34,510 --> 00:11:37,437
Anyway, we were
falling in love, but then...
272
00:11:37,589 --> 00:11:40,273
- Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
- Again?
273
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,108
He's developmentally disabled
274
00:11:42,185 --> 00:11:44,180
and that's the only thing
he knows how to say
275
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,496
but still, we should
go check on her.
276
00:11:50,602 --> 00:11:52,860
It's... it's bad, right?
277
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:53,953
No, no, it's fine.
278
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,005
Hey, can you hang on a sec?
279
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,779
President Kennedy
said he's excited to show
280
00:12:02,797 --> 00:12:07,283
the city of Dallas, quote,
"just how white a shirt can be."
281
00:12:07,302 --> 00:12:10,211
Joe, this is serious. My
whole jaw's messed up.
282
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,397
I don't understand.
We sent you to the best
283
00:12:12,548 --> 00:12:15,066
cigarette-smoking
surgeon we know.
284
00:12:15,293 --> 00:12:17,402
But listen, you're
gonna be okay.
285
00:12:18,721 --> 00:12:19,979
Son of a bitch!
286
00:12:20,131 --> 00:12:21,722
Fortunately, Jennifer
had called her father,
287
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:22,966
who's a doctor.
288
00:12:23,059 --> 00:12:25,577
Oh, dear God. Good
thing I got here in time.
289
00:12:25,804 --> 00:12:27,604
Fetch me my big bag
of medical supplies
290
00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:29,063
I take on vacation.
291
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,807
Thank you for
coming, Dr. Hartman.
292
00:12:30,809 --> 00:12:32,825
Shut up. I don't like
you because you're poor.
293
00:12:32,978 --> 00:12:34,098
Daddy, is she gonna be okay?
294
00:12:34,237 --> 00:12:36,980
She's gonna make it.
But I blame you for this.
295
00:12:36,998 --> 00:12:38,476
Because it's
important for the story
296
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,385
- that I blame you for this.
- I'm sorry.
297
00:12:40,409 --> 00:12:41,593
Sorry doesn't cut it.
298
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,504
Something this terrible
calls for real consequences.
299
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,932
No dancing with my daughter
at the meaningless talent show.
300
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,917
What? No!
301
00:12:50,011 --> 00:12:51,828
My word is final.
302
00:12:55,091 --> 00:12:58,109
So what I'm doing right
here is I'm thinking about Jennifer
303
00:12:58,261 --> 00:12:59,836
and how she's like the wind.
304
00:12:59,854 --> 00:13:01,816
What does that
mean, "she's like the wind"?
305
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,593
Just, you know,
she and the wind.
306
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:06,009
Uh, lots of similarities
there, you know.
307
00:13:06,143 --> 00:13:07,677
She's very wind-like.
308
00:13:07,695 --> 00:13:09,490
Yeah, but
like, but how, specifically?
309
00:13:09,514 --> 00:13:10,955
I mean, where do I even start?
310
00:13:11,107 --> 00:13:13,792
Basically, they're like two
peas in a pod, those two.
311
00:13:13,943 --> 00:13:15,442
Her and the wind. You know?
312
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:16,998
No, I
don't kn... You know,
313
00:13:17,022 --> 00:13:17,945
you keep saying "you know,"
314
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,297
and I don't know,
315
00:13:19,524 --> 00:13:20,684
and that's why I'm
asking the question.
316
00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:23,693
In what precise way
is she like the wind?
317
00:13:23,786 --> 00:13:27,305
Well, um, like, if you
picture my heart like trees,
318
00:13:27,456 --> 00:13:29,641
she blows through my trees.
319
00:13:29,792 --> 00:13:32,104
All right, so in
what way is your heart like trees?
320
00:13:32,128 --> 00:13:33,939
Aw, look, it's
a good song, okay?!
321
00:13:33,963 --> 00:13:35,371
The point is I'm
missing Jennifer,
322
00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:36,390
I want her back.
323
00:13:36,465 --> 00:13:37,373
Just say that then.
324
00:13:37,466 --> 00:13:39,300
Enough with this wind business.
325
00:13:39,394 --> 00:13:41,210
Finally, it came...
326
00:13:41,229 --> 00:13:43,137
The night of the
big talent show.
327
00:13:43,214 --> 00:13:45,882
The show started late
'cause the grandma bragging
328
00:13:45,975 --> 00:13:47,550
had gone a bit long.
329
00:13:47,643 --> 00:13:50,053
Doctor!
330
00:13:50,055 --> 00:13:51,888
Buzz, buzz, buzz, lawyer.
331
00:13:51,906 --> 00:13:55,408
Five foot, six.
332
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,503
Everyone, I hope you
enjoyed the dinner of leftovers
333
00:13:58,654 --> 00:14:00,171
from last year's dinner.
334
00:14:00,323 --> 00:14:02,301
I mentioned it was
a Jewish camp, right?
335
00:14:02,325 --> 00:14:05,718
But now it's time to
start the talent show.
336
00:14:06,829 --> 00:14:08,254
This was my last chance.
337
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,550
I wasn't gonna
let all those hours
338
00:14:09,574 --> 00:14:12,016
of standing in a
lake go to waste.
339
00:14:12,168 --> 00:14:15,261
Nobody puts Legal
Adult in a corner.
340
00:14:15,413 --> 00:14:18,339
Unfortunately, this was
the Star of David Dining Hall,
341
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,250
so pretty much the
whole place was corners.
342
00:14:21,344 --> 00:14:24,270
It was finally time for
us to dance together.
343
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,364
Happy 1963, everyone.
344
00:14:26,591 --> 00:14:29,092
For our big finale, we're
gonna dance to a song
345
00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:31,094
written in 1985.
346
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,885
We had to dance to this
song about female masturbation
347
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,779
because we couldn't
afford "The Time of My Life."
348
00:14:49,872 --> 00:14:51,280
I think you
mean open parentheses
349
00:14:51,299 --> 00:14:54,617
"I've Had" closed parentheses,
"The Time of My Life."
350
00:14:54,636 --> 00:14:56,996
Sure, whatever. The
point is we danced great
351
00:14:57,122 --> 00:15:00,306
and everyone was
cheering for us.
352
00:15:02,143 --> 00:15:03,884
Yay!
353
00:15:03,978 --> 00:15:06,070
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
354
00:15:06,297 --> 00:15:09,574
And that's the
story of my first love.
355
00:15:09,725 --> 00:15:11,888
P.S., that night we had
sex, I got her pregnant,
356
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:13,970
and three weeks later
she had an abortion.
357
00:15:14,063 --> 00:15:16,414
I mean jaw-fixing.
Whatever we called it earlier.
358
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,756
- Well, I remember my first...
- Anyway, I remember my first...
359
00:15:24,907 --> 00:15:27,483
Oh.
360
00:15:27,502 --> 00:15:29,910
Think, uh, think it's probably
gonna be Peter, right?
361
00:15:30,004 --> 00:15:31,245
Sorry, Cleveland.
362
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,265
But I remember my first love.
363
00:15:34,342 --> 00:15:38,161
It was 1989, the
golden age of Hollywood.
364
00:15:38,179 --> 00:15:40,846
The year of Troop Beverly Hills,
365
00:15:40,999 --> 00:15:43,090
Fletch Lives, Gleaming the Cube,
366
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,609
and a hilarious new addition
367
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,111
to the Harry and the
Hendersons franchise.
368
00:15:47,338 --> 00:15:50,431
Harry meets a girl
Bigfoot? Count me in.
369
00:15:50,525 --> 00:15:53,009
Well, that's
what I thought, anyway.
370
00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:55,344
Turns out Harry was
shorter in this movie,
371
00:15:55,438 --> 00:15:56,788
but he did look marvelous.
372
00:15:57,015 --> 00:15:59,532
And the actress? Oh, my gosh.
373
00:16:01,519 --> 00:16:03,639
You know how I always
wanted to marry a woman
374
00:16:03,688 --> 00:16:05,705
who looks like the
Full House baby?
375
00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:08,800
Well, this was her: Meg Ryan.
376
00:16:09,027 --> 00:16:10,027
Schwing!
377
00:16:10,119 --> 00:16:11,280
I said, being the first person
378
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,286
who ever said that.
379
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,841
Ha, ha, that guy's
the first person
380
00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:15,198
to ever say that.
381
00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:16,824
Wow, you're hilarious.
382
00:16:16,959 --> 00:16:18,534
What's your name so
we can tell everyone
383
00:16:18,553 --> 00:16:19,811
that you were the first?
384
00:16:19,962 --> 00:16:22,016
Aw, come on, guys, I don't
care who gets the credit.
385
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,018
This is making
your story less credible.
386
00:16:24,042 --> 00:16:27,685
Anyway, from the
first time I saw Meg Ryan pout
387
00:16:27,837 --> 00:16:29,061
in When Harry Met Sally,
388
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:32,398
I knew I wanted to see
her pout in every movie.
389
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,119
And then eventually
change her face
390
00:16:34,143 --> 00:16:35,809
so she's incapable of pouting.
391
00:16:41,242 --> 00:16:44,651
Ah, nothing better than
movie theater popcorn.
392
00:16:44,729 --> 00:16:47,079
Some for me, some
for the cleaning guy.
393
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:50,249
Some for me, some
for the cleaning guy.
394
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,677
So, you must
really like this movie.
395
00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:56,255
Are... are-are you...
are you talking to me?
396
00:16:56,332 --> 00:16:58,090
I got to talk to somebody.
397
00:16:58,243 --> 00:17:00,243
He's about to do a
20-minute song parody
398
00:17:00,261 --> 00:17:02,336
of the 1988 Oscar nominees.
399
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,922
Come join me, Peter.
It's a 1980s movie,
400
00:17:13,015 --> 00:17:15,533
so there's lots and
lots of 1940s music.
401
00:17:28,531 --> 00:17:31,290
- What's that guy doing?
- He's ruining the movie.
402
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:33,593
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
403
00:17:37,632 --> 00:17:38,890
So that happened.
404
00:17:39,041 --> 00:17:41,041
I've never heard that.
405
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,953
You're the first.
Peter Griffin's the first.
406
00:17:43,971 --> 00:17:45,875
Aw, come on, Meg
Ryan, it's not about that.
407
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:48,299
Yeah, you
got to stop doing this, Peter.
408
00:17:50,978 --> 00:17:52,795
That day we talked and talked
409
00:17:52,814 --> 00:17:55,907
as an unrealistic amount
of leaves fell around us.
410
00:17:56,134 --> 00:17:57,891
Hey, thanks for
walking me around
411
00:17:57,985 --> 00:17:59,911
in this watered-down
Woody Allen movie.
412
00:18:00,138 --> 00:18:02,822
You're welcome, Peter.
But what do you think?
413
00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:04,916
Can a man and a
woman just be friends
414
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,417
without the sex?
415
00:18:06,569 --> 00:18:09,645
Oh, uh, yeah, uh, sure, yeah.
416
00:18:09,664 --> 00:18:11,458
Uh, me-men and
women can just be friends.
417
00:18:11,482 --> 00:18:13,925
But, like, the fourth
or fifth friend you call.
418
00:18:14,152 --> 00:18:16,427
What do you say, Peter? Friends?
419
00:18:16,654 --> 00:18:19,004
- Friends with benefi...
- Benefits? No.
420
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:20,656
I was gonna say Benefiber.
421
00:18:20,675 --> 00:18:22,675
I been getting wicked
stopped up lately.
422
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:26,479
- Ew.
- Welcome to being friends with a guy, Meg Ryan.
423
00:18:29,758 --> 00:18:32,443
Me and Meg Ryan had
a special connection.
424
00:18:32,670 --> 00:18:34,470
I even followed her
into other movies,
425
00:18:34,505 --> 00:18:36,005
like Sleepless in Seattle,
426
00:18:36,023 --> 00:18:37,931
which ends on the top of
the Empire State building.
427
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:40,267
Gee, Pop, I'm sorry
I left my backpack
428
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,361
just laying around at
the Empire State Building,
429
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,364
which is an actual
plot point from the film.
430
00:18:45,516 --> 00:18:47,867
Don't worry, it's
still just the 1990s,
431
00:18:48,019 --> 00:18:49,513
so it's okay to
abandon your backpack
432
00:18:49,537 --> 00:18:50,870
in big-city landmarks.
433
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,631
See something, say nothing,
434
00:18:53,782 --> 00:18:56,259
That's the 1990s New York way.
435
00:18:58,787 --> 00:19:01,213
- Hey.
- Hey.
436
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:04,717
Ah. This is our last
chance to look at Brooklyn
437
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,702
before Lena Dunham gets there.
438
00:19:06,721 --> 00:19:08,795
I also followed
her to You've Got Mail,
439
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,056
where I drove her little
bookstore out of business
440
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:13,709
before my big bookstore
went out of business.
441
00:19:13,728 --> 00:19:17,155
Also, I DMed her on my
eight-inch-thick laptop.
442
00:19:18,232 --> 00:19:21,975
As always, I wrote to her
as friends. Just friends.
443
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:25,163
It seemed like we'd
be just friends forever,
444
00:19:25,314 --> 00:19:28,148
but then came the movie
that changed everything.
445
00:19:28,242 --> 00:19:31,002
The most important
film of all time:
446
00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:33,896
In the Cut. Because naked!
447
00:19:33,915 --> 00:19:37,082
It's just, ever since we met
you've been my best friend,
448
00:19:37,235 --> 00:19:38,992
and I was always
afraid of damaging that
449
00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:41,092
because I don't want
to risk this connection.
450
00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:43,830
Shh. Shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh. Hey.
451
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,017
Shut up, Meg.
452
00:19:46,168 --> 00:19:48,385
Excuse me, sir? Sir.
453
00:19:48,612 --> 00:19:49,612
Wake up, sir.
454
00:19:49,747 --> 00:19:51,080
Turns out I never did get pulled
455
00:19:51,098 --> 00:19:52,547
up into that movie screen.
456
00:19:52,549 --> 00:19:54,250
I had just Pee Wee
Herman'ed myself
457
00:19:54,268 --> 00:19:56,085
in the theater and fell asleep.
458
00:19:56,103 --> 00:19:57,844
Huh? What?
459
00:19:57,939 --> 00:19:59,605
What's going on here?
460
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,532
Um...
461
00:20:01,759 --> 00:20:03,517
I'll have what she's having?
462
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,779
And that's when my doctor said,
"You can't drink and do Ambien."
463
00:20:06,931 --> 00:20:10,115
So, there you go, my
first love: Meg Ryan.
464
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,951
Or maybe Melanie Griffith.
465
00:20:12,103 --> 00:20:13,747
You know, now that
I'm thinking about it,
466
00:20:13,771 --> 00:20:14,954
did you see Body Double?
467
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:16,214
Good God.
468
00:20:16,365 --> 00:20:18,123
That's a wonderful story, Peter.
469
00:20:18,276 --> 00:20:19,866
I'm always happy just to listen
470
00:20:19,961 --> 00:20:23,095
and be here for you.
471
00:20:31,547 --> 00:20:32,563
Donna says hi.
472
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:41,297
Is it okay if I tell
my first love story?
473
00:20:41,315 --> 00:20:42,631
If it wasn't good enough to tell
474
00:20:42,650 --> 00:20:44,967
in one of the 88
episodes of your show,
475
00:20:44,986 --> 00:20:46,661
maybe it's not
good enough for us.
476
00:20:49,231 --> 00:20:51,474
Could you guys do
me a favor and laugh
477
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:53,567
like I'm telling you
a hilarious story?
478
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,068
See?
479
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,662
I get a flashback, too.
480
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,465
I don't see nothing shimmering.
481
00:20:59,489 --> 00:21:01,489
>>>>oakislandtk<<<<<
www.opensubtitles.org