1 00:00:05,090 --> 00:00:08,342 ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪ 2 00:00:08,343 --> 00:00:12,472 ♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪ 3 00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:17,602 Honey, um... 4 00:00:19,104 --> 00:00:21,106 There's something you should know about your mom. 5 00:00:21,962 --> 00:00:23,296 I'm a dirty liar. 6 00:00:23,321 --> 00:00:24,511 Oh, my God. 7 00:00:24,536 --> 00:00:27,539 Is this endless story you're telling not even true? 8 00:00:28,310 --> 00:00:29,905 Of course, it is! 9 00:00:29,906 --> 00:00:32,783 I quit lying last year when I turned 40. 10 00:00:32,784 --> 00:00:35,077 - Mom... - Don't. 11 00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:37,288 But back in the day, compulsive lying, 12 00:00:37,289 --> 00:00:39,498 well, it was kind of my jam. 13 00:00:39,499 --> 00:00:42,002 Especially when I was feeling insecure. 14 00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:45,379 And waiting to hear from the gallery if my photos sold 15 00:00:45,380 --> 00:00:47,673 was making me hella insecure. 16 00:00:47,674 --> 00:00:49,508 - You know you can actually get a ticket for that. 17 00:00:49,509 --> 00:00:50,885 It's called "distracted walking." 18 00:00:50,886 --> 00:00:53,679 - Oh, I forgot you minored in sidewalk law. 19 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,599 Plus, I am not even distracted. 20 00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,435 That yoga class really centered me. 21 00:00:59,436 --> 00:01:02,021 Oh, excuse me. 22 00:01:02,022 --> 00:01:04,106 Pardon me. Sorry. Important call. 23 00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:05,984 Life-changing moment! Sorry! 24 00:01:06,735 --> 00:01:08,737 Hello? Uh-huh. 25 00:01:09,613 --> 00:01:11,990 Really? That's amazing. 26 00:01:12,574 --> 00:01:14,576 Thank you so much for the phone call. 27 00:01:15,911 --> 00:01:17,412 Turns out, that wasn't my phone. 28 00:01:18,663 --> 00:01:22,000 But, uh, Brooke, your dog's operation was a success. 29 00:01:24,961 --> 00:01:26,253 Wait, is that... 30 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,755 Meredith! 31 00:01:27,756 --> 00:01:30,424 This is not how I wanted to meet her. I look gross! 32 00:01:30,425 --> 00:01:33,427 She's a pop star whose single is breaking out, 33 00:01:33,428 --> 00:01:36,640 and I'm a struggling photographer whose face is breaking out. Look at this! 34 00:01:38,475 --> 00:01:40,309 That was a piece of nougat. 35 00:01:40,310 --> 00:01:43,062 - Yeah, so it's all been kind of a whirlwind. 36 00:01:43,063 --> 00:01:44,480 I did the Today show yesterday, 37 00:01:44,481 --> 00:01:47,691 I'm doing The Tonight Show tomorrow, and Last Week Tonight next week. 38 00:01:47,692 --> 00:01:49,526 - Plus, she's got The Late Late Show on Friday, 39 00:01:49,527 --> 00:01:52,279 and then that segment for Sunday Morning later that afternoon. 40 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,365 - You're a Saturday Night Live Thursday pre-shoot away 41 00:01:54,366 --> 00:01:56,158 from having the world's most confusing schedule. 42 00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:57,409 Ugh, come on! 43 00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:59,453 You know, it's been days since I gave Rachel my number, 44 00:01:59,454 --> 00:02:02,206 and she still has it texted me yet! But, she has time to tweet 45 00:02:02,207 --> 00:02:05,292 that Sarah Paulson was a revelation as Roseanne Barr? 46 00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:06,669 That was Sarah Paulson in 47 00:02:06,670 --> 00:02:08,922 The Life and Unhinging of Roseanne Barr? 48 00:02:09,756 --> 00:02:11,258 What a chameleon! 49 00:02:12,717 --> 00:02:16,303 Oh. Sid, my beer is all foam. 50 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:19,431 - It's called head, not foam. - Oh. 51 00:02:19,432 --> 00:02:21,475 - Well then, why'd you give me so much head? 52 00:02:21,476 --> 00:02:23,602 - Oh! - Head! 53 00:02:23,603 --> 00:02:25,771 - Clean it up, Meredith. This is a family bar. 54 00:02:25,772 --> 00:02:28,607 - No worries. I'll take it. Old J-Boy loves head. 55 00:02:28,608 --> 00:02:31,026 - Ah, love it when you push the envelope, bro! 56 00:02:31,027 --> 00:02:32,236 What... 57 00:02:32,237 --> 00:02:34,948 Oh hey, what is Sophie doing outside? 58 00:02:35,574 --> 00:02:38,242 - Babe, you gotta blend. You look like the clown from It. 59 00:02:38,243 --> 00:02:39,618 - From what? - From It. 60 00:02:39,619 --> 00:02:40,995 - From what? - From It! 61 00:02:40,996 --> 00:02:42,329 It is the name of the movie. 62 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:43,872 What is the name of the movie?! 63 00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:46,334 You know everyone can see you, right? 64 00:02:49,421 --> 00:02:51,755 You wanna stop being weird and come inside? 65 00:02:51,756 --> 00:02:53,883 I don't know. It's gonna be so awkward. 66 00:02:53,884 --> 00:02:57,011 Jesse probably told her about our thing. I'm sure she's threatened by it. 67 00:02:57,012 --> 00:02:59,138 - Nope. She doesn't care. - Damn it. 68 00:02:59,139 --> 00:03:01,015 God, that makes it so much worse. 69 00:03:01,016 --> 00:03:03,017 Of course, Meredith isn't threatened by me. 70 00:03:03,018 --> 00:03:04,768 She just released Song of the Year, and I... 71 00:03:04,769 --> 00:03:07,187 I just sold a photo for a crazy amount of money. 72 00:03:07,188 --> 00:03:08,856 Wow. Good for you! 73 00:03:08,857 --> 00:03:11,483 - Did she sell it? - No! She's going full Elizabeth Holmes. 74 00:03:11,484 --> 00:03:14,945 - Yeah, it was a huge bidding war between the Prince of Liechtenstein, 75 00:03:14,946 --> 00:03:16,447 the CFO of Barry's Bootcamp, 76 00:03:16,448 --> 00:03:19,074 and the sisters from Sister Sister. And just to be clear, 77 00:03:19,075 --> 00:03:22,078 the Sister Sister sisters were not bidding together as sisters, so... 78 00:03:23,580 --> 00:03:25,039 Like I said, 79 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,416 I had a small lying problem. 80 00:03:27,417 --> 00:03:30,002 - Mom... - A medium lying problem. 81 00:03:30,003 --> 00:03:31,295 - Mom! - Okay, fine. 82 00:03:31,296 --> 00:03:33,923 It was a huge problem, okay? 83 00:03:36,968 --> 00:03:40,847 - Ellen, watching Rachel's door isn't gonna make her ask you out. 84 00:03:41,306 --> 00:03:44,476 Just like more water isn't gonna bring back Planthony Hopkins. 85 00:03:44,851 --> 00:03:46,611 - Do you think she changed her mind about me? 86 00:03:46,895 --> 00:03:49,438 Of course, she did. Am I ugly? 87 00:03:49,439 --> 00:03:51,273 Charlie, you'd tell me if I was ugly, right? 88 00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:54,152 - Of course. I always tell ugly people when they're ugly. 89 00:03:54,986 --> 00:03:57,154 Why do you think the fuggo super won't fix our sink? 90 00:03:57,155 --> 00:03:59,157 You're right. I'm a dime. 91 00:04:00,325 --> 00:04:02,952 It must be my garbage personality. 92 00:04:02,953 --> 00:04:05,162 Ellen, if your personality is garbage, 93 00:04:05,163 --> 00:04:06,705 then call me a raccoon 94 00:04:06,706 --> 00:04:08,500 because I love it. 95 00:04:08,917 --> 00:04:11,335 - Aw. Well, then call me an ambulance 96 00:04:11,336 --> 00:04:14,047 because that compliment damn near killed me. 97 00:04:14,673 --> 00:04:16,924 - You just need to remind Rachel how great you are. 98 00:04:16,925 --> 00:04:19,927 So, we are gonna spruce this place up, 99 00:04:19,928 --> 00:04:21,637 gonna put on our Sunday best, 100 00:04:21,638 --> 00:04:24,515 and then leave the door playfully ajar. 101 00:04:24,516 --> 00:04:27,561 When Rachel walks by, she won't be able to resist asking you out. 102 00:04:30,522 --> 00:04:32,982 The only flaw in your plan is 103 00:04:32,983 --> 00:04:34,526 it's so bad in here. 104 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,361 Yes. Should've had that threesome 105 00:04:37,362 --> 00:04:39,781 with Chip and Joanna Gaines while I had the chance. 106 00:04:41,199 --> 00:04:43,158 Grilled cheese, coming in hot! 107 00:04:43,159 --> 00:04:45,744 - Yes! This man is a grilled cheese maestro. 108 00:04:45,745 --> 00:04:48,247 He's like the Eddie Vedder of cheddar. May I? 109 00:04:48,248 --> 00:04:50,249 - Dude, you never have to ask about sharing stuff. 110 00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:52,626 - Ooh... - Food, shampoo, a journal... 111 00:04:52,627 --> 00:04:54,962 - Okay, we've discussed this. I'm not sharing a journal with you. 112 00:04:54,963 --> 00:04:57,464 - I'm still gonna leave every other page blank in case you change your mind. 113 00:04:57,465 --> 00:05:00,050 - I'm gonna go get some ranch. - Yeah, ranch it up, baby! 114 00:05:00,051 --> 00:05:01,468 Mm, yum. 115 00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:03,888 - Hey, hey, hey! Don't even think about eating one of these. 116 00:05:03,889 --> 00:05:05,723 - These are for me and Jesse. - Seriously? 117 00:05:05,724 --> 00:05:07,474 - There's, like, six of them. - Yeah. Yeah! 118 00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:10,060 Two for me. Four for him. Zero for you. 119 00:05:10,061 --> 00:05:11,146 He's a hungry boy. 120 00:05:11,855 --> 00:05:13,022 Babe, you want ketchup, too? 121 00:05:13,023 --> 00:05:14,607 Uh, yes, please. 122 00:05:16,234 --> 00:05:18,861 - Just give me one, you freak. - Meredith, stop it. 123 00:05:18,862 --> 00:05:20,029 - Give it to me... - No! No! 124 00:05:20,030 --> 00:05:21,572 - Come on, I'm hungry, too! - You don't get 125 00:05:21,573 --> 00:05:23,657 everything you want, sweetie! 126 00:05:23,658 --> 00:05:25,285 Hey, hey, hey, hey! What is happening? 127 00:05:25,952 --> 00:05:29,204 - I don't know. All I did was offer her a scrumptious grilled cheese. 128 00:05:29,205 --> 00:05:31,165 He's lying! He won't give me one 129 00:05:31,166 --> 00:05:32,833 because you're a hungry boy. 130 00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:34,835 What? Okay. 131 00:05:34,836 --> 00:05:36,879 Can everyone please just chill out? 132 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,882 Sid, I know you're still mad at Meredith about the whole proposal thing, 133 00:05:39,883 --> 00:05:42,551 but we're hanging out again, and it's feeling really good. 134 00:05:42,552 --> 00:05:44,511 Yeah. I've had issues with Meredith 135 00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:46,222 way before she clowned you in front of the nation. 136 00:05:46,223 --> 00:05:48,265 - Oh, really? What are they? - I... 137 00:05:48,266 --> 00:05:51,143 Oh, oh, oh! I have an idea. 138 00:05:51,144 --> 00:05:53,687 When I was writing my album in Sweden with Taag and Bjorn, 139 00:05:53,688 --> 00:05:57,399 we did a Stor Dela Med Sig, or airing of grievances, 140 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,486 and it really helped. What do you think? 141 00:06:00,487 --> 00:06:03,239 Okay, well, counter pitch to that idea. 142 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,574 Uh, what if instead of airing those grievances, right, 143 00:06:05,575 --> 00:06:07,576 we just bottle those bad boys up. 144 00:06:07,577 --> 00:06:10,496 We bury them deep inside us. Uh, forever. 145 00:06:10,497 --> 00:06:11,497 Mm... 146 00:06:11,498 --> 00:06:13,749 - The Swedish have never really steered me wrong. 147 00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:16,794 Not on meatballs, massages, or house mafias. 148 00:06:16,795 --> 00:06:18,338 - Hm. - I'm in. 149 00:06:24,636 --> 00:06:27,721 - I thought it went gangbusters with Meredith earlier, no? 150 00:06:27,722 --> 00:06:30,182 Um... Yeah. 151 00:06:30,183 --> 00:06:32,851 Except that literally everything you said was untrue. 152 00:06:32,852 --> 00:06:34,228 Okay, fine. 153 00:06:34,229 --> 00:06:36,522 I told a couple of harmless fiblets 154 00:06:36,523 --> 00:06:38,315 to feel better about myself. 155 00:06:38,316 --> 00:06:39,525 But who cares? 156 00:06:39,526 --> 00:06:42,695 And I know you lie about your age. You do it all the time. 157 00:06:42,696 --> 00:06:44,572 One senior ticket 158 00:06:44,573 --> 00:06:47,576 for the 2:45 Avatar. 159 00:06:47,951 --> 00:06:51,245 That's not a lie. That is a performance. 160 00:06:51,246 --> 00:06:52,788 That shit takes commitment. 161 00:06:57,544 --> 00:07:00,212 - Ramona. Hey! - Sophie. 162 00:07:00,213 --> 00:07:03,215 I... I'm in early labor. I think it's almost time. 163 00:07:03,216 --> 00:07:05,218 - Oh, my God. It's almost time! - Yeah. 164 00:07:06,011 --> 00:07:08,637 You know Ramona from 5C? 165 00:07:08,638 --> 00:07:10,848 She hired me to photograph her home birth. 166 00:07:10,849 --> 00:07:12,933 - Oh, so, the landlord will let her give birth in her apartment, 167 00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:14,268 but I can't own a snake? 168 00:07:14,269 --> 00:07:16,979 - Okay, well, why don't you grab your stuff and come on up? 169 00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:18,314 The midwife is running a little late, 170 00:07:18,315 --> 00:07:20,275 so you're fine setting up the birthing tub, right? 171 00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:22,290 Since you've shot a bunch of home births. 172 00:07:22,694 --> 00:07:24,486 Okay... 173 00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:26,488 I'm gonna go lay down. 174 00:07:26,489 --> 00:07:28,074 Kinda wish I just texted you. 175 00:07:31,786 --> 00:07:34,330 Sophie. Why does Ramona think 176 00:07:34,331 --> 00:07:36,583 you have so much experience with home births? 177 00:07:38,126 --> 00:07:39,543 I've shot so many home births, 178 00:07:39,544 --> 00:07:42,046 I could practically perform one. 179 00:07:43,215 --> 00:07:46,508 - Really? 'Cause your portfolio is mostly corporate headshots 180 00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:48,553 - and pet autopsies. - Yeah. 181 00:07:49,888 --> 00:07:53,807 That's because a lot of my clients are pretty high profile. 182 00:07:53,808 --> 00:07:56,727 I mean, it has been NDA after NDA. 183 00:07:56,728 --> 00:07:59,688 And I can't name names, but... 184 00:07:59,689 --> 00:08:02,943 one of my client's names rhymes with Schmilaria Schmaldwin. 185 00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:04,526 Or should I say... 186 00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:05,946 Schmilaria! 187 00:08:06,655 --> 00:08:07,988 Sophie! 188 00:08:07,989 --> 00:08:11,493 - Okay, okay, fine. Okay. So, I lie... a lot. 189 00:08:12,827 --> 00:08:14,995 But not as much as Schmilaria. 190 00:08:21,336 --> 00:08:23,630 I gotta say, this home birth thing... 191 00:08:24,089 --> 00:08:25,923 - not that hard. - Soph... 192 00:08:28,593 --> 00:08:31,887 - Oh, shit! Soph... - What? 193 00:08:31,888 --> 00:08:32,972 There's a pump. 194 00:08:34,432 --> 00:08:37,434 But, now that that's done, 195 00:08:37,435 --> 00:08:39,853 I can get back to what I actually know about, 196 00:08:39,854 --> 00:08:42,273 which is taking photos of Ramona's... 197 00:08:42,274 --> 00:08:43,608 vagina. 198 00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:46,569 - Ah! - Ah! 199 00:08:46,570 --> 00:08:48,571 - Oh, my God, that water's, like, a thousand degrees. 200 00:08:48,572 --> 00:08:51,031 Okay, okay, okay. New plan. Um... 201 00:08:51,032 --> 00:08:52,866 She's gonna give birth on the couch. 202 00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:54,243 And then we're gonna buy her a new couch, 203 00:08:54,244 --> 00:08:57,162 and then we're gonna spend our entire lives paying off the couch. 204 00:08:57,163 --> 00:08:58,747 What? Soph, just... 205 00:08:58,748 --> 00:09:00,583 Just tell Ramona you don't know what you're doing. 206 00:09:00,584 --> 00:09:04,211 - No. I can't. I need to do a good job here. 207 00:09:04,212 --> 00:09:07,548 - Why? You won't even need gigs like this once you sell your photo. 208 00:09:07,549 --> 00:09:10,175 What if I never sell it? 209 00:09:10,176 --> 00:09:13,013 What if this is as good as it gets for me? 210 00:09:16,474 --> 00:09:18,393 - Fine. Let's... Let's cool down this tub. 211 00:09:21,187 --> 00:09:22,646 No! 212 00:09:22,647 --> 00:09:25,065 No! My lungs are not ready for that. 213 00:09:29,487 --> 00:09:31,780 Okay, Sid! Grievances time! 214 00:09:31,781 --> 00:09:33,490 - Hey, you know what? Maybe instead of grievances, 215 00:09:33,491 --> 00:09:36,328 we just do like a compliment circle instead. Here, I'll go first. 216 00:09:37,287 --> 00:09:39,539 You fine, girl. Okay, now, it's your turn. 217 00:09:40,373 --> 00:09:42,708 - Let's do this. - God, they're color-coded? 218 00:09:42,709 --> 00:09:45,044 Okay. I didn't get to all of them, 219 00:09:45,045 --> 00:09:46,253 but this is a good start. 220 00:09:46,254 --> 00:09:48,088 You sneeze like a toddler. 221 00:09:48,089 --> 00:09:49,840 I have a deviated septum. 222 00:09:49,841 --> 00:09:52,343 Your favorite movie is La La Land. 223 00:09:52,344 --> 00:09:55,971 - They shut down a freeway and danced on it. 224 00:09:55,972 --> 00:09:58,015 Your text sound is wind chimes, 225 00:09:58,016 --> 00:09:59,516 you psycho! JESSE: Hey! 226 00:09:59,517 --> 00:10:02,061 - No name-calling, alright? And these are all very petty. 227 00:10:02,062 --> 00:10:04,355 Maybe we can just fast-forward to the end. 228 00:10:04,356 --> 00:10:06,857 - Oh, yeah? You wanna skip to the grand finale? 229 00:10:06,858 --> 00:10:08,318 And I'm talking, of course, 230 00:10:09,027 --> 00:10:10,528 of the Burrito Incident. 231 00:10:11,196 --> 00:10:12,529 What Burrito Incident? 232 00:10:12,530 --> 00:10:15,908 - 'Twas the day of Jesse's first music recital at the elementary school. 233 00:10:15,909 --> 00:10:18,661 And he'd been working with these kids for months, preparing. 234 00:10:18,662 --> 00:10:20,996 Unrelated, I just started lifting. 235 00:10:20,997 --> 00:10:23,499 I was getting swole, I started doing meal prep. 236 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:26,669 I made burritos for the week, each one with fresh salsa, 237 00:10:26,670 --> 00:10:29,548 homemade pinto beans, and a smidge of love. 238 00:10:30,131 --> 00:10:32,925 As I was leaving for work, Jesse, you said you were 239 00:10:32,926 --> 00:10:35,177 so excited for the recital. 240 00:10:35,178 --> 00:10:37,221 And Meredith, you said you were 241 00:10:37,222 --> 00:10:39,682 too sick to go. Cough, cough. 242 00:10:39,683 --> 00:10:41,976 On my way out, I told you both, 243 00:10:41,977 --> 00:10:44,436 "Don't touch my burritos." 244 00:10:44,437 --> 00:10:46,648 And then, "Smell you later." 245 00:10:48,234 --> 00:10:50,526 So glad you don't say that anymore. 246 00:10:50,527 --> 00:10:53,487 - Anyway, that night, I returned home before the recital 247 00:10:53,488 --> 00:10:55,155 because I forgot the flowers I got Jesse. 248 00:10:55,156 --> 00:10:57,074 And that's when I saw it. 249 00:10:58,535 --> 00:11:00,369 Wednesday. 250 00:11:00,370 --> 00:11:03,914 As I looked closer, I saw a trail of pinto beans. 251 00:11:03,915 --> 00:11:06,625 And on the other side of the door... 252 00:11:06,626 --> 00:11:10,004 Oh! Mm! 253 00:11:10,005 --> 00:11:13,173 - I was stuck at home, starving with a 102 fever, 254 00:11:13,174 --> 00:11:14,759 bummed about missing the recital and... 255 00:11:16,303 --> 00:11:17,679 I shouldn't have eaten your food. 256 00:11:18,471 --> 00:11:19,471 I'm sorry. 257 00:11:19,472 --> 00:11:21,974 - Yes! Okay! An apology. See? That's progress. 258 00:11:21,975 --> 00:11:23,684 Now, please, just hug and make up. 259 00:11:23,685 --> 00:11:25,394 Okay, as a... as a child of divorce, 260 00:11:25,395 --> 00:11:27,605 all this conflict is making me very uncomfortable. 261 00:11:27,606 --> 00:11:29,857 You guys keep at it, you're gonna have to promise 262 00:11:29,858 --> 00:11:32,777 to take me to Six Flags to make up for it. And then never do. 263 00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:35,487 And then buy me a Six Flags T-shirt 264 00:11:35,488 --> 00:11:37,781 and gaslight me into thinking we went by saying things like, 265 00:11:37,782 --> 00:11:40,262 "Well, if we didn't go, where'd you get that T-shirt?" 266 00:11:40,869 --> 00:11:42,077 Let's get back to the Burrito Incident. 267 00:11:42,078 --> 00:11:44,163 - I think we're done with the Burrito Incident. 268 00:11:44,164 --> 00:11:47,207 You wish, 'Dith! There's more. 269 00:11:47,208 --> 00:11:48,334 Oh, great! There's more! 270 00:11:48,335 --> 00:11:50,794 I'm having a scotch! I'ma do a scotch. You want a scotch? 271 00:11:50,795 --> 00:11:52,421 You two both look like you could use a scotch. 272 00:11:52,422 --> 00:11:54,925 Three scotches coming up! Okey-dokey! 273 00:11:56,843 --> 00:11:58,469 We need to talk. 274 00:12:02,224 --> 00:12:04,183 So? How do I look? 275 00:12:04,184 --> 00:12:05,726 Like a million pounds. 276 00:12:05,727 --> 00:12:06,852 Hey! 277 00:12:06,853 --> 00:12:08,395 - The currency, not the weight measurement. 278 00:12:08,396 --> 00:12:10,314 - Oh. Aw. - Now... 279 00:12:10,315 --> 00:12:11,774 for the final step. 280 00:12:11,775 --> 00:12:13,568 We crack the door... 281 00:12:14,319 --> 00:12:16,529 and wait to hook us a Rachel fish. 282 00:12:18,281 --> 00:12:21,033 So, I told Cara Delevingne, 283 00:12:21,034 --> 00:12:23,535 "I don't have time to go to your hotel room. 284 00:12:23,536 --> 00:12:25,871 I'm flying to Mykonos, business class." 285 00:12:25,872 --> 00:12:27,748 - You mean first class. - I mean first class! 286 00:12:27,749 --> 00:12:30,752 - Knock, knock! - Yoo-hoo! Anybody home? 287 00:12:31,127 --> 00:12:33,879 The door was open, so we figured you wanted company. 288 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,507 - I love what you have done with the place! 289 00:12:36,508 --> 00:12:38,342 - My God, Ellen, we've hooked the wrong fish. 290 00:12:38,343 --> 00:12:39,802 Throw them back. Throw them back. 291 00:12:39,803 --> 00:12:41,345 I'm Julian. This is Maury. 292 00:12:41,346 --> 00:12:44,014 We moved in together when our wives died. 293 00:12:44,015 --> 00:12:45,599 We don't know if they died. 294 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,434 They just... disappeared. 295 00:12:47,435 --> 00:12:50,479 On safari, 27 years ago! 296 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,314 Man, they found bones! 297 00:12:52,315 --> 00:12:54,650 They found one bone! 298 00:12:54,651 --> 00:12:55,818 We saw the door open. 299 00:12:55,819 --> 00:12:58,404 Building party? Nice! 300 00:12:58,405 --> 00:12:59,697 - Oh, no, we're not having a... 301 00:12:59,698 --> 00:13:02,575 - Building party! Come on in! The more the merrier! 302 00:13:02,576 --> 00:13:03,576 What are you doing? 303 00:13:03,577 --> 00:13:04,785 If Rachel passes by 304 00:13:04,786 --> 00:13:06,745 and we're talking spousal remains with Maury and Julian, 305 00:13:06,746 --> 00:13:08,163 then you are as dead as their wives. 306 00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:09,748 Who wants a spritz? 307 00:13:10,959 --> 00:13:12,836 Okay. 308 00:13:14,129 --> 00:13:15,754 I ran down to our apartment. I grabbed this. 309 00:13:15,755 --> 00:13:16,964 Yes. Ice! 310 00:13:16,965 --> 00:13:18,507 Nope! Shrimp. 311 00:13:22,053 --> 00:13:24,430 - Did you just pour a shit-ton of frozen shrimp in a tub 312 00:13:24,431 --> 00:13:26,682 that a woman's about to give birth in? 313 00:13:26,683 --> 00:13:28,225 - Yeah. - Why? 314 00:13:28,226 --> 00:13:29,644 The ice trays were empty! 315 00:13:30,645 --> 00:13:32,813 It's fine! We'll just stir them around to cool down the water, 316 00:13:32,814 --> 00:13:35,150 and then we'll... take them out with this. 317 00:13:35,901 --> 00:13:37,318 Okay. 318 00:13:44,451 --> 00:13:45,951 So, how was the new Avatar? 319 00:13:45,952 --> 00:13:48,203 - I liked it. - Worth the wait? 320 00:13:48,204 --> 00:13:50,039 Yeah, I think so. 321 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,874 Good to know. 322 00:13:53,835 --> 00:13:56,337 It's cooler. We did it! 323 00:13:56,338 --> 00:13:57,880 Let's get the shrimp out. 324 00:14:00,091 --> 00:14:02,384 I bet that's the gallery. Oh... 325 00:14:02,385 --> 00:14:04,721 Boy, when the universe gives, she really gives. 326 00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:07,432 Whoa, whoa! 327 00:14:13,521 --> 00:14:14,522 Hello? 328 00:14:15,774 --> 00:14:17,316 No. No, Arthur, 329 00:14:17,317 --> 00:14:19,902 I don't have time for a brief survey! 330 00:14:19,903 --> 00:14:21,905 What's going on in here? 331 00:14:22,322 --> 00:14:24,490 And a... 332 00:14:24,491 --> 00:14:27,535 long, happy life. 333 00:14:28,078 --> 00:14:30,913 Hey, Ramona. Uh, I was just... 334 00:14:30,914 --> 00:14:32,624 blessing the birthing water. 335 00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:34,751 Amen. 336 00:14:35,710 --> 00:14:36,794 Shrimp? 337 00:14:42,259 --> 00:14:43,927 Why are there shrimp in here? 338 00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:46,596 They're birthing shrimp. 339 00:14:47,138 --> 00:14:49,431 It's a scampi-style birth. 340 00:14:49,432 --> 00:14:51,642 No. No, no, it's not. 341 00:14:51,643 --> 00:14:53,894 Sorry, Ramona. 342 00:14:53,895 --> 00:14:57,565 I lied. I am a lying liar who lies when I feel insecure, 343 00:14:57,566 --> 00:14:59,567 which is pretty much always these days. 344 00:14:59,568 --> 00:15:02,528 And the thing is, is I've been waiting for this phone call from the gallery... 345 00:15:04,739 --> 00:15:06,490 - I don't care about your character flaws 346 00:15:06,491 --> 00:15:09,493 or whatever the gallery is. This baby is coming, 347 00:15:09,494 --> 00:15:12,788 and my midwife is trapped on the Roosevelt Island tram! 348 00:15:12,789 --> 00:15:15,416 I mean, there's a subway and a bridge! 349 00:15:15,417 --> 00:15:16,792 Why the hell would you take the tram?! 350 00:15:16,793 --> 00:15:19,337 Oh God. Okay. Alright, calm down. 351 00:15:19,921 --> 00:15:21,755 Uh, we're gonna get you to the hospital. 352 00:15:21,756 --> 00:15:24,008 - Okay. Hospital. - Yeah. 353 00:15:26,678 --> 00:15:29,305 No. No hospital. Time to push. 354 00:15:32,434 --> 00:15:34,268 - Okay, well, that's my cue! Peace! - Val! 355 00:15:34,269 --> 00:15:37,564 Okay, okay! Let's make a miracle. 356 00:15:38,565 --> 00:15:41,775 - Alright. I don't know what you think you heard that night, but... 357 00:15:41,776 --> 00:15:44,486 - Oh, I know exactly what I heard, Meredith. You were... 358 00:15:44,487 --> 00:15:45,488 Shh! Shh. 359 00:15:46,156 --> 00:15:48,158 Okay, please. Look. 360 00:15:48,742 --> 00:15:51,244 It wasn't my finest moment. 361 00:15:51,912 --> 00:15:54,080 Okay? But, I've grown since then. 362 00:15:54,664 --> 00:15:57,375 And we're the happiest we've ever been. 363 00:15:57,834 --> 00:15:59,419 Jesse, your best friend, 364 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,879 is happy. 365 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:03,173 Don't take that away from him. 366 00:16:04,799 --> 00:16:08,303 - Okay! Shall we get back to this Swedish hell ritual? 367 00:16:11,723 --> 00:16:13,043 You know what? I'm actually good. 368 00:16:14,226 --> 00:16:16,894 Yeah, Meredith was right. I feel better. 369 00:16:16,895 --> 00:16:19,563 - Really? Okay, Meredith? Anything? Say no. 370 00:16:19,564 --> 00:16:21,190 No. I'm good. 371 00:16:21,191 --> 00:16:23,692 - If only my parents were this good at conflict resolution. 372 00:16:23,693 --> 00:16:26,320 But, then again, if they were, I wouldn't have gotten to go to Six Flags 373 00:16:26,321 --> 00:16:28,823 somewhere between 12 and zero times. 374 00:16:33,328 --> 00:16:34,662 Bottom line, 375 00:16:34,663 --> 00:16:36,997 if the price of a safari 376 00:16:36,998 --> 00:16:38,791 seems too good to be true, 377 00:16:38,792 --> 00:16:41,043 then they probably aren't following 378 00:16:41,044 --> 00:16:43,547 proper safety protocols. 379 00:16:44,464 --> 00:16:45,756 Yeah, but I bet those two 380 00:16:45,757 --> 00:16:49,093 are gonna have some stories when they come back. 381 00:16:49,094 --> 00:16:51,303 Maury, when we see our wives again, 382 00:16:51,304 --> 00:16:53,097 we'll know we're in heaven. 383 00:16:53,098 --> 00:16:54,723 'Cause they're dead! 384 00:16:55,850 --> 00:16:57,893 Hey! This actually turned into 385 00:16:57,894 --> 00:17:00,354 - a pretty great party, right? - Oh, it's a terrific party! 386 00:17:00,355 --> 00:17:02,648 You know, I really misjudged Julian and Maury. 387 00:17:02,649 --> 00:17:03,983 People can't get enough of them. 388 00:17:03,984 --> 00:17:07,403 Did you know that between them, they have 94 prescriptions? 389 00:17:07,404 --> 00:17:10,824 - I don't get it. Why haven't the great vibes lured Rachel through the doo... 390 00:17:11,283 --> 00:17:13,033 Damn it! Who closed the door? 391 00:17:13,034 --> 00:17:15,369 - It was the girl who lives across the hall. 392 00:17:15,370 --> 00:17:16,996 The one who loves tote bags? 393 00:17:16,997 --> 00:17:18,414 That's Rachel! 394 00:17:18,415 --> 00:17:20,249 She's the whole reason I pretended to be fun! 395 00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:21,625 Okay, you know what? 396 00:17:21,626 --> 00:17:23,669 Oh, I'm done playing games. 397 00:17:23,670 --> 00:17:25,254 Everybody out! 398 00:17:26,298 --> 00:17:28,550 Um, sweetie, that was the air purifier. 399 00:17:30,218 --> 00:17:32,094 Okay, Ramona. 400 00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:33,679 Many mistakes were made here today. 401 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,806 Some by me, some by Valentina. 402 00:17:35,807 --> 00:17:37,433 - Literally every part of this is your fault. 403 00:17:37,434 --> 00:17:40,019 - Doesn't matter. The paramedics are on their way, 404 00:17:40,020 --> 00:17:41,312 Okay, and the nice lady 405 00:17:41,313 --> 00:17:43,439 from 911 is going to talk us through this. 406 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:46,233 And together, we are going to give you 407 00:17:46,234 --> 00:17:48,777 the peaceful home birth of your dreams. 408 00:17:48,778 --> 00:17:51,405 - Okay. - Okay? Alright, Kristy? 409 00:17:51,406 --> 00:17:54,158 She is in the tub. Talk to us. 410 00:17:54,159 --> 00:17:55,719 Okay, let... 411 00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,163 Kristy? 412 00:18:12,010 --> 00:18:15,095 - I can see the head! I can see the head! Push! 413 00:18:19,601 --> 00:18:22,061 - And do you know what she named that baby? 414 00:18:22,062 --> 00:18:23,396 Uh, Sophie? 415 00:18:24,022 --> 00:18:25,940 No. Ryleigh. 416 00:18:25,941 --> 00:18:29,903 Spelled R-Y-L-E-I-G-H. 417 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:33,323 Nightmare. 418 00:18:39,454 --> 00:18:41,622 Okay, here's the deal. 419 00:18:41,623 --> 00:18:45,209 I think it's borderline inhumane that you haven't texted me yet. 420 00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:48,255 If you don't wanna go out, just tell me. I can take it. 421 00:18:50,590 --> 00:18:52,925 First of all, hi. 422 00:18:52,926 --> 00:18:54,094 Second of all... 423 00:18:55,637 --> 00:18:58,931 I was gonna text you, but I got in my head about what to say. 424 00:18:58,932 --> 00:19:01,642 So, I googled "what to say," which led me to the video 425 00:19:01,643 --> 00:19:03,394 of Jason Derulo's smash hit Whatcha Say, 426 00:19:03,395 --> 00:19:04,979 followed by that scene from The O.C. 427 00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:06,897 set to the Imogen Heap song that Jason sampled. 428 00:19:06,898 --> 00:19:08,607 Then, the SNL parody of that scene. 429 00:19:08,608 --> 00:19:10,442 And I was gonna send that, 430 00:19:10,443 --> 00:19:14,238 but I-I came home, and I saw you were having a party 431 00:19:14,239 --> 00:19:17,074 and apparently invited everyone in the building but me. 432 00:19:17,075 --> 00:19:20,035 So, I figured that if you don't me at your party, 433 00:19:20,036 --> 00:19:22,162 - you definitely don't wanna go out... - No, no, no, no, no. 434 00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:25,541 I... I just threw that party to entice you into texting me 435 00:19:25,542 --> 00:19:28,169 by showing you I'm cool and popular. 436 00:19:29,170 --> 00:19:30,629 Oh, my God. 437 00:19:30,630 --> 00:19:32,172 We're both crazy. 438 00:19:32,173 --> 00:19:33,340 We're insane. 439 00:19:33,341 --> 00:19:36,176 Okay. Great! 440 00:19:36,177 --> 00:19:37,762 - So, I'll text you? - No! 441 00:19:38,346 --> 00:19:39,389 Texting almost broke us. 442 00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:43,184 How about we go out right now? 443 00:19:44,436 --> 00:19:45,604 Right now's perfect. 444 00:19:47,022 --> 00:19:50,232 Charlie! I know you're watching! 445 00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:51,526 No, I'm not. 446 00:19:53,194 --> 00:19:54,278 We've got a date, people. 447 00:19:57,282 --> 00:20:01,244 Maury, you owe me $60,000. 448 00:20:04,539 --> 00:20:06,874 - Two Blue Moons, appropriate amount of head. 449 00:20:06,875 --> 00:20:09,126 Thanks. 450 00:20:20,889 --> 00:20:24,308 - I just said I was sick. It's a kids' recital. 451 00:20:24,309 --> 00:20:26,560 What, am I spending two hours on the C train 452 00:20:26,561 --> 00:20:28,354 so I can listen to a bunch of second graders 453 00:20:28,355 --> 00:20:30,439 butcher Hot Cross Buns on the recorder? 454 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:31,942 Mm! 455 00:20:36,154 --> 00:20:37,655 And remember when you were like, 456 00:20:37,656 --> 00:20:40,199 "Push!" And then, she pushed! 457 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,077 And remember when you were like, "Keep pushing!" And then she did, 458 00:20:43,078 --> 00:20:45,246 - and then a freaking baby came out?! - Oh, my God! 459 00:20:45,247 --> 00:20:46,747 Wow! Val! 460 00:20:46,748 --> 00:20:49,750 I could have never done that without you. Like, legit. 461 00:20:49,751 --> 00:20:52,920 - Soph, you are nothing short of a lying psychopath, 462 00:20:52,921 --> 00:20:54,464 but you're my lying psychopath. 463 00:20:56,758 --> 00:20:58,802 Oh... speaking of... 464 00:20:59,427 --> 00:21:00,886 There's something I've gotta go do. 465 00:21:03,974 --> 00:21:05,100 Hey, Meredith. 466 00:21:06,226 --> 00:21:09,020 I wanted you to know that my photo didn't actually sell. 467 00:21:09,813 --> 00:21:10,813 At all. 468 00:21:10,814 --> 00:21:12,648 - Oh. - But it's fine. 469 00:21:12,649 --> 00:21:14,358 It's fine that it didn't sell. 470 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:18,070 And that you're pretty and famous and cool 471 00:21:18,071 --> 00:21:20,239 because I did something incredible today. 472 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,659 Something even you've never done. I delivered a baby. 473 00:21:23,660 --> 00:21:26,078 Actually, Meredith had delivered a baby. 474 00:21:26,079 --> 00:21:28,122 Push! 475 00:21:28,123 --> 00:21:30,624 You can do this! I got you, Jen! 476 00:21:30,625 --> 00:21:33,335 But that's neither here nor there. 477 00:21:33,336 --> 00:21:36,463 And stupid, classy Meredith just said... 478 00:21:36,464 --> 00:21:38,173 That's really cool, Sophie. 479 00:21:39,801 --> 00:21:41,636 Oh. 480 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:44,514 Hello? 481 00:21:44,515 --> 00:21:46,056 Yes. 482 00:21:46,057 --> 00:21:48,225 It did? 483 00:21:48,226 --> 00:21:50,519 Yes! Finally! Oh, oh, oh! 484 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:54,023 Uh, just one sec. It sold! In your face, Meredith! 485 00:21:54,024 --> 00:21:55,816 Whoa... 486 00:21:55,817 --> 00:21:58,027 - I'm sorry. I'm just... I-I'm so excited. 487 00:21:58,028 --> 00:22:00,571 Congratulations, Sophie. That's great. 488 00:22:00,572 --> 00:22:02,781 I decided from then on, 489 00:22:02,782 --> 00:22:06,744 it was going to be a new, honest, straightforward me. 490 00:22:06,745 --> 00:22:10,122 Uh, Sophie... Is that... 491 00:22:10,123 --> 00:22:11,833 shrimp in your hair? 492 00:22:13,043 --> 00:22:15,003 Oh! Oh, this? 493 00:22:15,879 --> 00:22:18,589 This is a time-release leave-in conditioner pellet? 494 00:22:18,590 --> 00:22:21,675 It's injected into a shrimp's body for added protein. 495 00:22:21,676 --> 00:22:25,346 Obviously, you have no idea what's going on in the hair world. 496 00:22:25,347 --> 00:22:27,140 I've learned nothing.