1
00:00:07,130 --> 00:00:10,320
Ah, come on. No.
2
00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:13,410
No. No.
3
00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:24,090
Where are the...?
Damn it.
4
00:00:24,290 --> 00:00:26,840
Why can't anything ever be
where it's supposed to be
5
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:28,270
when I need to...
6
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:31,010
- Did you see it there?
- I did not.
7
00:00:31,210 --> 00:00:32,140
I was digging through this bag
for ten minutes,
8
00:00:32,340 --> 00:00:33,300
and you just sat there?
9
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:34,560
I thought
you were looking for a pen.
10
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:35,720
Why would I be
looking for a pen?
11
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:36,850
Because you often
look for a pen...
12
00:00:37,050 --> 00:00:38,060
There's a pen right there
on the table. Two pens.
13
00:00:38,260 --> 00:00:39,640
- ...when a thought occurs to you.
- You're the one taking notes.
14
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,440
Not everything that happens
to you is somebody else's fault.
15
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,770
Okay. Should I write that down
with one of the two pens?
16
00:00:44,970 --> 00:00:46,860
- Do you remember...
- Yes, I remember where I was.
17
00:00:47,060 --> 00:00:49,570
I should shave my head.
18
00:00:49,770 --> 00:00:51,700
She'd just love that.
19
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:53,200
I always remember where I was.
20
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,370
I can keep several complex
thoughts in my head at one time.
21
00:00:55,570 --> 00:00:58,330
That's why NASA keeps begging me
to move to Florida.
22
00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:03,130
Four o'clock in the morning,
the phone rings
23
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:04,630
because that's
when she finishes her work.
24
00:01:04,830 --> 00:01:05,630
Doesn't matter that
the rest of us have
25
00:01:05,830 --> 00:01:06,960
to be in a lab at 8:00 a.m.
26
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:08,550
I mean, she's just so...
27
00:01:08,750 --> 00:01:10,760
And everything has to be...
Plus, there's the whole...
28
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,140
- Finish the thought.
- What?
29
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,180
You're supposed to be working
on finishing your thoughts.
30
00:01:15,380 --> 00:01:17,970
- I am finishing my thoughts.
- Well, in your head, yes,
but out loud...
31
00:01:18,170 --> 00:01:20,270
I'm tired of
being criticized by you.
32
00:01:20,470 --> 00:01:21,940
By her.
It's not my fault
33
00:01:22,140 --> 00:01:23,600
that everyone in the world
is slower than I am.
34
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:24,900
They always were.
35
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:26,650
The only person I could
ever talk to was Grandpa.
36
00:01:26,850 --> 00:01:28,530
That's it.
Are you staying over there?
37
00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:30,400
I thought we were
doing the couch today.
38
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,160
You said we were working
on proximity issues.
39
00:01:32,350 --> 00:01:33,780
Sure. Sorry.
40
00:01:33,980 --> 00:01:35,070
You're the one
who set the agenda.
41
00:01:35,270 --> 00:01:36,370
I just wanted some Klonopin.
42
00:01:36,570 --> 00:01:37,870
I'm all settled. Good?
43
00:01:38,070 --> 00:01:39,950
- I don't want bangs.
- You don't have to get bangs.
44
00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:41,710
Who calls people
at 4:00 in the morning?
45
00:01:41,910 --> 00:01:44,750
Huh? I'm working on my PhD.
That's important, too.
46
00:01:44,950 --> 00:01:46,130
I mean, does the woman not know
47
00:01:46,330 --> 00:01:48,480
that Reno and Boston aren't
in same time zone?
48
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,180
- What are you writing?
- You wouldn't understand.
49
00:01:54,380 --> 00:01:55,390
Well, make me understand.
50
00:01:55,590 --> 00:01:57,640
Molecular kinetic sequencing?
51
00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,060
That's what you'd like me
to make you understand?
52
00:01:59,260 --> 00:02:00,770
I thought you were
writing about your mother.
53
00:02:00,970 --> 00:02:03,690
Not everything in the world
revolves around...
54
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,440
I am trying to figure out
how to use DNA mutations
55
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:11,240
to change the very trajectory
of disease and rearrange it
56
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,820
so we can control the very
basic process in which we...
57
00:02:14,020 --> 00:02:15,760
Wait.
58
00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:20,500
Okay, I did it.
59
00:02:20,690 --> 00:02:22,210
You did? Are you sure?
60
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,250
- Want to check my work?
- No.
61
00:02:24,450 --> 00:02:26,880
I believe you.
62
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,710
My God, Esther, that's amazing.
63
00:02:29,910 --> 00:02:33,170
I mean, what you've done,
right here in my office,
64
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:35,510
that's a monumental achievement.
65
00:02:35,710 --> 00:02:36,930
Oh, yeah?
66
00:02:37,130 --> 00:02:38,470
Well, tell it to my mother!
67
00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:50,070
How the fuck was I ever
convinced to use a top sheet?!
68
00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:51,710
God.
69
00:02:54,170 --> 00:02:56,030
- Susie somebody's office.
- Susie.
70
00:02:56,230 --> 00:02:57,780
Oh, good.
I thought you weren't there.
71
00:02:57,980 --> 00:02:59,240
- Who is this?
- It's Rose.
72
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,080
Miriam is very ill.
73
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,250
What? No.
74
00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:04,750
No, no, no. She doesn't get it
till the 14th.
75
00:03:04,950 --> 00:03:06,790
- I got it marked
on the calendar.
- It's not that.
76
00:03:06,990 --> 00:03:09,750
She came home very late
last night, practically frozen.
77
00:03:09,950 --> 00:03:11,590
What the fuck was she doing
out in a blizzard?
78
00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:12,880
I was hoping you could tell me.
79
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:14,880
Well, she's your daughter.
You live with her.
80
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,130
She's your client,
and she's never home.
81
00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:18,890
I'm not the one who was supposed
to teach her about snow.
82
00:03:19,090 --> 00:03:20,430
That one's squarely on you.
83
00:03:20,630 --> 00:03:23,600
Well, whosever fault it is,
she got home a block of ice.
84
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,100
Her coat was wool,
so it shrank on her,
85
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,190
and we had to borrow
garden shears from the super
86
00:03:28,390 --> 00:03:29,810
to cut it off her.
87
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:31,860
We threw her in a hot shower
and put her into bed.
88
00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:34,400
The doctor came.
She's got hypothermia.
89
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,490
- Jesus.
- She's so agitated.
90
00:03:36,690 --> 00:03:39,450
She can't sleep.
She just lies there, babbling.
91
00:03:39,650 --> 00:03:42,080
So we need you to come over
and interpret for us.
92
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,370
You speak Miriam's language
93
00:03:43,570 --> 00:03:45,410
and are familiar with
all that showbiz patois.
94
00:03:45,610 --> 00:03:48,000
- Uh, okay, yeah,
I'll be right over.
- Good.
95
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,500
Now, when you get here,
be careful not to mention toes.
96
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:52,880
There's a chance
she may lose one or two of them.
97
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,710
She's gonna lose her toes?
98
00:03:54,910 --> 00:03:56,010
We're hoping just
the left middle one.
99
00:03:56,210 --> 00:03:57,550
She'll still be able
to walk somewhat normally,
100
00:03:57,750 --> 00:03:59,050
and fitting into narrow shoes
101
00:03:59,250 --> 00:04:00,510
will actually be easier
without it.
102
00:04:00,710 --> 00:04:02,430
So, lemonade.
103
00:04:02,630 --> 00:04:04,700
- We'll see you soon?
- Yeah. Bye.
104
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:09,480
Hello? I'm here.
105
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,060
- Susie?
- Yeah.
106
00:04:11,260 --> 00:04:13,190
That door was locked.
How did you get in?
107
00:04:13,390 --> 00:04:14,940
- I still have my key.
- Why?
108
00:04:15,140 --> 00:04:16,780
I don't know.
It's on my key necklace.
109
00:04:16,980 --> 00:04:18,150
I just forgot to take it off.
110
00:04:18,350 --> 00:04:19,530
Oh, thank God you're here.
111
00:04:19,730 --> 00:04:21,410
- Let herself right in.
- How is she?
112
00:04:21,610 --> 00:04:22,700
She's still talking nonsense.
113
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,080
She kept the key.
It's now a necklace.
114
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:25,200
So what?
115
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:26,790
Hey. Miriam. Update. Please.
116
00:04:26,990 --> 00:04:28,960
No improvement. She's
practically speaking in tongues.
117
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,170
There's a lot of random words,
strange sounds.
118
00:04:31,370 --> 00:04:32,920
She could be speaking bebop.
119
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,670
On the way here, I remembered
she went to Carnegie Hall
120
00:04:34,870 --> 00:04:36,300
last night
to see Lenny's show.
121
00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:39,130
Well, at least we're finally
getting some information here.
122
00:04:39,330 --> 00:04:41,260
Carnegie Hall.
123
00:04:41,460 --> 00:04:42,970
So, she didn't
just lose her mind
124
00:04:43,170 --> 00:04:45,180
and wander out into the snow
because it's pretty.
125
00:04:45,380 --> 00:04:46,770
That was my first theory.
126
00:04:46,970 --> 00:04:48,730
Abe, my God. Your shirt.
127
00:04:48,930 --> 00:04:50,480
It's how it came back
from the cleaners.
128
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,480
Well, put on another shirt.
We have a crisis here.
129
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,650
They all came back like this!
130
00:04:54,850 --> 00:04:56,280
Look, I'm gonna go see
what I can find out.
131
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:57,690
About the shirt?
132
00:04:57,890 --> 00:05:00,550
Because that's not important
right now.
133
00:05:02,090 --> 00:05:04,240
Miriam.
134
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,330
It's me, Susie.
135
00:05:06,530 --> 00:05:08,160
Gone, gone.
136
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,710
What's gone?
137
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,080
The window.
138
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:12,960
- The window's gone?
- Open.
139
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:14,290
The window's gone open?
140
00:05:14,490 --> 00:05:17,000
It's closing.
A door. It's closing.
141
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:18,420
Nothing's closing.
142
00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:20,170
Cheese and crackers.
143
00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:21,590
Tony Bennett.
144
00:05:21,790 --> 00:05:22,970
What about him?
145
00:05:23,170 --> 00:05:24,510
I slept with him.
146
00:05:24,710 --> 00:05:26,140
You slept with Tony Bennett?
147
00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:27,470
When the fuck
did you meet Tony Bennett?
148
00:05:27,670 --> 00:05:29,560
- He went to bat.
- Who?
149
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,310
Get my hat.
150
00:05:31,510 --> 00:05:33,690
Are you trying to rhyme?
151
00:05:33,890 --> 00:05:34,860
Mm.
152
00:05:35,060 --> 00:05:36,670
Miriam?
153
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,700
- So, apparently, she had sex with Tony Bennett.
- - What?
154
00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:47,370
And she wants
some cheese and crackers.
155
00:05:47,570 --> 00:05:49,080
I brought her
a perfectly good manchego.
156
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:51,660
- She wouldn't eat it.
- How does she know
Tony Bennett?
157
00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:53,040
Did she mention a hat?
158
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:54,710
When doesn't she mention a hat?
159
00:05:54,910 --> 00:05:56,380
And there was something
about a window and a door.
160
00:05:56,580 --> 00:05:57,800
And these are not helping,
by the way.
161
00:05:57,990 --> 00:05:59,210
I thought
they might calm her down.
162
00:05:59,410 --> 00:06:01,760
Ugh, Zelda,
what smells like donkey balls?
163
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,590
Special Polish fish head soup.
164
00:06:03,790 --> 00:06:06,430
It wards off evil spirits.
Makes your hair shiny, too.
165
00:06:06,630 --> 00:06:07,890
Okay. Well, when you are done
166
00:06:08,090 --> 00:06:09,520
driving down the neighbors'
property values,
167
00:06:09,710 --> 00:06:11,600
make some coffee,
strong coffee.
168
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,480
This is gonna take a while.
169
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:14,850
- Miriam.
- Mm.
170
00:06:15,050 --> 00:06:16,690
Miriam, try to focus.
171
00:06:16,890 --> 00:06:19,480
What happened last night?
172
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,320
It was cold. Blizzard.
173
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:23,610
Yes, blizzards are cold.
174
00:06:23,810 --> 00:06:25,700
Walking, walking.
175
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:26,870
So, you're walking in the cold.
176
00:06:27,070 --> 00:06:28,990
- Frost crotch.
- What?
177
00:06:29,190 --> 00:06:30,620
I got frost crotch.
178
00:06:30,820 --> 00:06:32,250
Frost crotch?
Is that a thing?
179
00:06:32,450 --> 00:06:35,210
My toes.
I'm gonna lose my toes.
180
00:06:35,410 --> 00:06:36,710
You know, there's been
a lot of toe talk,
181
00:06:36,910 --> 00:06:38,420
but, frankly, frost crotch
should've been the headline.
182
00:06:38,620 --> 00:06:40,130
I'm sure
your toes are perfect...
183
00:06:40,330 --> 00:06:42,840
Holy shit. Oh.
184
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:46,010
- Are they bad?
- No.
185
00:06:46,210 --> 00:06:47,890
You put your head
between your knees
186
00:06:48,090 --> 00:06:49,390
to keep from passing out, right?
187
00:06:49,590 --> 00:06:51,640
- Susie, tell me.
- Jesus.
188
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,350
What the hell
does your crotch look like?
189
00:06:56,340 --> 00:06:58,560
Oh, good.
190
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,730
Susie?
191
00:07:00,930 --> 00:07:04,740
Susie?
Did you find out anything?
192
00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:06,610
Should we get
the doctor back?
193
00:07:06,810 --> 00:07:08,740
Uh, his house call rates
are astronomical,
194
00:07:08,940 --> 00:07:10,620
- so if we can avoid that...
- I saw the toe.
195
00:07:10,820 --> 00:07:12,580
I told you about the toe.
196
00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:15,920
No. No, Rose, you did not
tell me about that toe.
197
00:07:16,110 --> 00:07:17,750
You told me about
a cute little frozen toe,
198
00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:19,340
pink and white like a cherub.
199
00:07:19,530 --> 00:07:20,670
You did not at all prepare me
for the horror show
200
00:07:20,870 --> 00:07:21,960
I just witnessed back there.
201
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:22,960
You're overreacting.
202
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:24,300
It's black.
203
00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:26,220
Her toe is black, Rose.
204
00:07:26,420 --> 00:07:28,430
That's not overreacting.
That thing is a goner.
205
00:07:28,630 --> 00:07:31,350
It's like she was in a war,
an old one.
206
00:07:31,550 --> 00:07:33,450
Never mind.
207
00:07:34,950 --> 00:07:37,410
Okay. I'm going back in.
208
00:07:39,790 --> 00:07:42,480
You know, I can't unsee
that toe now, Rose.
209
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:43,980
You understand that?
210
00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:46,740
I may never
fucking close my eyes again.
211
00:07:46,940 --> 00:07:48,200
You feeling a little better?
212
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,620
Yeah, you maybe want to get up?
Move around a little?
213
00:07:50,820 --> 00:07:53,160
Hey, your kids are watching TV.
Don't you want to see your kids?
214
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,120
The kids can go fuck themselves.
215
00:07:58,030 --> 00:08:00,040
She just said, "The kids can
go fuck themselves."
216
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,590
- What?
- No, they certainly cannot.
217
00:08:01,790 --> 00:08:03,090
Such terrible talk.
218
00:08:03,290 --> 00:08:04,840
I have to tell you, I don't
really know how to proceed here.
219
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,880
- You know what would help?
- What?
220
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,570
If you gave that key back.
221
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,490
Well, it certainly
couldn't hurt.
222
00:08:14,570 --> 00:08:15,850
Susie.
223
00:08:16,050 --> 00:08:17,810
Mm?
224
00:08:18,010 --> 00:08:20,350
- Susie.
- What?
225
00:08:20,550 --> 00:08:22,730
You're up.
How are you feeling?
226
00:08:22,930 --> 00:08:24,610
Okay, I guess.
227
00:08:24,810 --> 00:08:27,610
Hey, did I say my kids
can go fuck themselves?
228
00:08:27,810 --> 00:08:28,860
If it makes you feel any better,
229
00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:30,200
I don't think
the little one heard you.
230
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,530
Oh, good.
231
00:08:31,730 --> 00:08:33,660
So, you want to tell me
what happened last night?
232
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:35,620
Uh... not much.
233
00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:38,870
I-I was at Carnegie Hall,
there was a blizzard.
234
00:08:39,070 --> 00:08:42,000
I couldn't find a cab,
so I just started walking.
235
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,920
Hey, hey, you think you can
get the Bennett gig back?
236
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:45,960
Oh, I think that's gone.
237
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:48,130
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
238
00:08:48,330 --> 00:08:50,300
But maybe their second choice
didn't get back to them yet.
239
00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:53,030
Their second choice is ironing
his show pants as we speak.
240
00:08:57,450 --> 00:09:00,480
Me and my stupid manifesto.
241
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,400
"Make me a headliner.
No opening act for anybody."
242
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,940
What an idiotic thing to say.
243
00:09:06,140 --> 00:09:07,320
It wasn't all idiotic.
244
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:09,360
The part about being able to say
what you want to say,
245
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,090
that was smart.
246
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:14,420
Maybe I don't have
what it takes.
247
00:09:15,630 --> 00:09:17,120
Maybe I'm not as tough
as I thought I was.
248
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,450
I mean, look at me,
249
00:09:18,650 --> 00:09:20,960
eight inches of snow,
I've become my mother.
250
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,340
I'm in bed, popping pills,
candles everywhere.
251
00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:27,050
Bet I got crystals
under my pillow.
252
00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:29,220
Yep, got crystals
under my pillow.
253
00:09:29,410 --> 00:09:30,720
Three of 'em.
254
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,140
No, no, no, no.
255
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:35,510
Come on, think of
something happy, think of shoes.
256
00:09:35,710 --> 00:09:37,720
My toe.
I'm gonna lose a toe.
257
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:39,310
Okay, don't think of shoes.
No shoes.
258
00:09:39,510 --> 00:09:40,810
Think of hats.
You like hats.
259
00:09:41,010 --> 00:09:43,270
My hat. I loved that hat.
260
00:09:43,470 --> 00:09:45,150
Listen to me,
tomorrow this will all be
261
00:09:45,350 --> 00:09:47,330
a funny bit
you can use in your act.
262
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:51,150
I'm so sorry, Susie.
263
00:09:51,350 --> 00:09:52,910
God, I'm so stupid.
264
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:55,490
We had a plan,
then I went rogue.
265
00:09:55,690 --> 00:09:57,370
I-I tried to do it all myself.
266
00:09:57,570 --> 00:09:59,040
I shouldn't have done that.
267
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:01,830
You are the one person
who understands me.
268
00:10:02,030 --> 00:10:05,060
You're the person who got me
here, got me anywhere.
269
00:10:06,730 --> 00:10:09,880
I promise
I will never stop trusting
270
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:14,280
the most important person
in my life ever again.
271
00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:20,390
- Six months.
- What?
272
00:10:20,590 --> 00:10:21,850
I got to break her
in six months.
273
00:10:22,050 --> 00:10:23,100
She's got that face.
274
00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:24,900
Harry warned me about that face.
275
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,730
He told me his biggest regret
was not knowing
276
00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:28,730
what that face meant
till it was too late.
277
00:10:28,930 --> 00:10:30,650
They got that face,
they're about to give up.
278
00:10:30,850 --> 00:10:32,530
She's not giving up.
We've come too far.
279
00:10:32,730 --> 00:10:33,860
- And Mike's the key.
- Who's Mike?
280
00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:34,860
I got to go.
281
00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:36,200
Okay. Just one more thing...
282
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,260
I'm not giving you
the fucking key, Abe.
283
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:44,750
So, Thanksgiving's coming up
in a few days.
284
00:10:44,950 --> 00:10:46,750
What?
285
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:48,500
Tomorrow? Really?
286
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,550
Why am I still in town?
287
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,340
Yes, Thanksgiving, folks,
a day of food and family.
288
00:10:53,540 --> 00:10:55,800
A day you sit at a table and
look from your father-in-law,
289
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,180
who still hopes his daughter
will come to her senses...
290
00:10:58,380 --> 00:10:59,640
...to your mother-in-law,
291
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,770
who still hopes her daughter
will come to her senses,
292
00:11:01,970 --> 00:11:05,440
to your wife, who still hopes
that she'll come to her senses.
293
00:11:07,010 --> 00:11:08,650
Your wife came to her senses,
didn't she, George?
294
00:11:08,850 --> 00:11:10,320
Quite a few of them, actually.
295
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,190
- Yes.
- Always marry a smart woman.
296
00:11:13,390 --> 00:11:15,740
Sooner or later,
she'll leave you.
297
00:11:15,940 --> 00:11:18,370
You know, one of my favorite
Thanksgiving traditions
298
00:11:18,570 --> 00:11:20,160
is to sit in my living room
and watch the overinflated
299
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,450
cartoonish figures
of my youth float on...
300
00:11:22,650 --> 00:11:24,370
...by outside
without saying a word.
301
00:11:24,570 --> 00:11:26,040
Then when Grandma and Grandpa
302
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:27,540
are ready to come on inside,
we watch that
303
00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:28,750
little thing
that Macy's puts on.
304
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:33,090
Yeah, I love the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
305
00:11:33,290 --> 00:11:35,010
Although
it really does let you know
306
00:11:35,210 --> 00:11:36,760
your pecking order
in show business.
307
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,470
I mean, the Gordon Ford Show has
308
00:11:38,670 --> 00:11:40,180
the greatest studio audience
in the business,
309
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:41,970
and I do really mean that.
310
00:11:42,170 --> 00:11:43,180
But, folks, I'm sorry,
311
00:11:43,380 --> 00:11:44,680
your enthusiasm just pales
in comparison
312
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,060
to any group of kids
313
00:11:46,260 --> 00:11:47,940
when a 12-foot-tall Mighty Mouse
floats overhead.
314
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,190
It's like Elvis with a tail
to those kids.
315
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:53,610
Another tradition
I love about Thanksgiving is
316
00:11:53,810 --> 00:11:55,320
sitting around the table
and Grandma, of course,
317
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,740
will remind you
that this could be her last.
318
00:11:57,940 --> 00:11:59,990
And then we say,
"Grandma, we know, we know,
319
00:12:00,190 --> 00:12:02,280
but we're all eating
Aunt Rosie's stuffing,
320
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,200
and none of us are
complaining about it."
321
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,710
Folks, we got a great show
for you tonight. Stick around.
322
00:12:07,990 --> 00:12:10,210
- I am not trespassing.
- Oh, no?
323
00:12:10,410 --> 00:12:11,670
I am a tourist,
visiting this city
324
00:12:11,870 --> 00:12:12,960
for the very first time,
325
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,420
and I took a wrong turn.
326
00:12:14,620 --> 00:12:16,590
I was looking for
the Brooklyn Botanic Garden.
327
00:12:16,790 --> 00:12:18,010
Classic mix-up.
328
00:12:18,210 --> 00:12:20,430
Look, I'm a manager.
Big, big talent person.
329
00:12:20,630 --> 00:12:22,470
What's your name, Willie?
Get ready, Willie.
330
00:12:22,670 --> 00:12:24,180
You and I are gonna
become best friends.
331
00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:26,930
- You are gonna speak
at my wedding.
- I hate weddings.
332
00:12:27,130 --> 00:12:28,810
Elevator's
your final destination.
333
00:12:29,010 --> 00:12:31,610
NYPD must be kicking themselves
for turning you down, huh?
334
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:32,770
Hedy, no!
335
00:12:32,970 --> 00:12:34,570
And I said,
"That is not an ashtray.
336
00:12:34,770 --> 00:12:38,240
That is a 19th century
French barbotine vase."
337
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:41,280
Oh, you just have to laugh.
338
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,990
Otherwise, the stupidity
of people will make you cry.
339
00:12:54,830 --> 00:12:57,420
Zelda,
it smells like it's boiling.
340
00:12:57,620 --> 00:12:59,380
- It's not boiling.
- - It's supposed to simmer.
341
00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:01,260
- It's simmering.
- Do you know the difference?
342
00:13:01,460 --> 00:13:03,260
- I know the difference.
- Boiling is rapid bubbles.
343
00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:05,010
Simmer is slow bubbles.
344
00:13:05,210 --> 00:13:06,890
She knows simmering,
Shirley.
345
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:08,890
Salt, Zelda, salt.
346
00:13:09,090 --> 00:13:10,980
What is this,
currency back in your country?
347
00:13:11,180 --> 00:13:12,230
Use your fist.
348
00:13:12,430 --> 00:13:14,270
Pushy old broad.
349
00:13:14,470 --> 00:13:16,360
- Cheap goy.
- Fight fair, you two.
350
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:19,070
- Well, my flowers arrived
and they're all dead.
- What?
351
00:13:19,270 --> 00:13:21,780
They must have gotten my order
mixed up with someone else's.
352
00:13:21,980 --> 00:13:23,740
- What do we do?
- I guess we won't have flowers.
353
00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:26,330
We can't not have flowers,
Miriam, it's Thanksgiving.
354
00:13:26,530 --> 00:13:28,540
All anyone cares about
at Thanksgiving is the flowers.
355
00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:30,040
I'll figure it out.
356
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,750
He smells
the turkey.
357
00:13:31,950 --> 00:13:33,290
He sniffed the air,
I swear he sniffed it.
358
00:13:33,490 --> 00:13:34,670
Rose, look at him sniff.
359
00:13:34,870 --> 00:13:36,090
Astrid, I have scissors here.
360
00:13:36,290 --> 00:13:38,550
If you say something, he'll turn
and look right at you.
361
00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:40,300
Try it, Midge. Here, here.
Say something.
362
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,130
Uh, did you know
the day after Thanksgiving is
363
00:13:42,330 --> 00:13:44,050
- the busiest day for plumbers?
- Oh, look! He turned!
364
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:46,010
- Oh, Shirley, he turned!
- Astrid.
365
00:13:46,210 --> 00:13:47,470
This is a stove.
366
00:13:47,670 --> 00:13:49,060
Never wave a baby
over a stove
367
00:13:49,260 --> 00:13:51,100
unless you're trying
to potty train him.
368
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:52,810
Get the baby out.
Get the baby out.
369
00:13:53,010 --> 00:13:54,730
I'll take the baby,
Miss Astrid.
370
00:13:54,930 --> 00:13:56,940
He's just so aware.
371
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:59,230
And awake, you know,
like, he's always awake.
372
00:13:59,430 --> 00:14:00,780
You know, never sleeps.
373
00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:02,490
Wait, Shirley, did you just say
you potty train a baby
374
00:14:02,690 --> 00:14:03,950
by dangling them over a stove?
375
00:14:04,150 --> 00:14:05,240
It warms their tush,
376
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:06,780
that reminds them of
what their tush is for.
377
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:09,830
I got Joely trained
in an hour and a half.
378
00:14:10,030 --> 00:14:11,970
How often do you all cry?
379
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,460
Where am I?
380
00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:16,880
Aren't you next to Mom?
381
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:18,800
Oh, actually, I moved
some of the cards around.
382
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,300
I thought it'd be nice
to have the little ones
383
00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:22,510
at the grown-up table so that
Chaim doesn't feel weird.
384
00:14:22,710 --> 00:14:24,970
So, Rose, you're there.
Noah, there.
385
00:14:25,170 --> 00:14:26,470
Moishe, Shirley there, there.
386
00:14:26,670 --> 00:14:28,470
Abe, Midge, and Joel,
I moved you to the kids' table.
387
00:14:28,670 --> 00:14:31,140
- But I'm a grown-up.
- I'll go to the kids' table,
Pop.
388
00:14:31,340 --> 00:14:32,730
Oh, no, but it's Chaim's
first Thanksgiving.
389
00:14:32,930 --> 00:14:34,230
You can't abandon him.
390
00:14:34,430 --> 00:14:36,270
Daddy's just
being silly.
391
00:14:36,470 --> 00:14:37,900
- Don't be scared.
- Sorry, Pop.
392
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,650
He's asleep. He won't care.
393
00:14:39,850 --> 00:14:40,820
I think he will.
394
00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:42,610
Yes, but you aren't
a great thinker.
395
00:14:42,810 --> 00:14:43,740
Papa, come sit with us.
396
00:14:45,610 --> 00:14:46,740
I brought some extra salt
397
00:14:46,940 --> 00:14:48,450
in case the food is
under-seasoned.
398
00:14:48,650 --> 00:14:50,830
Joel, I'd like that seat.
399
00:14:51,030 --> 00:14:52,290
Why?
400
00:14:52,490 --> 00:14:54,330
Because I am head of the family.
401
00:14:54,530 --> 00:14:57,040
- I should sit
at the head of the table.
- The kids' table?
402
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,420
How important is winning
this particular battle to you?
403
00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:02,090
Oh, boy,
who killed the flowers?
404
00:15:02,290 --> 00:15:03,220
They came that way.
405
00:15:03,410 --> 00:15:04,930
And you paid for that?
406
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,390
I could have put out
dead flowers for free.
407
00:15:07,590 --> 00:15:09,810
- Hey, watch it.
- Sorry.
408
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,390
I would like to propose a toast.
409
00:15:12,590 --> 00:15:14,640
- What? From there?
- Yes, from here.
410
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:16,480
A toast should come
from the grown-ups' table.
411
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:17,940
- But...
- I'll do the toast.
412
00:15:18,140 --> 00:15:19,270
Oh, you're in luck,
Chaim.
413
00:15:19,470 --> 00:15:21,780
Once a year,
we gather together...
414
00:15:21,970 --> 00:15:23,360
- Ah! Did you see him
point at you?
- Did he point?
415
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:24,570
- Right at you.
- Do it again.
416
00:15:24,770 --> 00:15:25,780
- Point at Daddy.
- Point at Daddy.
417
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:26,820
Point at Daddy.
418
00:15:27,020 --> 00:15:27,910
To pointing! Let's eat.
419
00:15:29,730 --> 00:15:31,240
Noah, did I tell you
about the trip I won?
420
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:32,240
Really?
421
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:33,580
- From her bank.
- What?
422
00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:35,210
You won the trip from your bank!
423
00:15:35,410 --> 00:15:37,000
I don't know what you said
way over there,
424
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,250
but I won a trip from my bank
to Palm Beach.
425
00:15:39,450 --> 00:15:42,000
The manager called,
out of the blue, to thank me
426
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,260
for my loyalty
and then offered me a trip.
427
00:15:44,460 --> 00:15:45,340
- Fun.
- What?
428
00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:46,880
- Fun!
- Whatever.
429
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,220
Anyhow,
we're going this weekend.
430
00:15:48,420 --> 00:15:51,470
And the best part is,
our daughter has refused
431
00:15:51,670 --> 00:15:54,680
to bring our grandchildren
to the airport to see us off.
432
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:55,980
Very disappointing.
433
00:15:56,180 --> 00:15:57,310
I'm working that day.
434
00:15:57,510 --> 00:15:59,650
- Wait, how come
you can hear him?
- What?
435
00:15:59,850 --> 00:16:01,320
We have a little announcement
to make ourselves.
436
00:16:01,510 --> 00:16:02,900
We were saving it
for the proper time.
437
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:03,980
Shirley, you want to tell 'em?
438
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:05,030
No, you go ahead, Moishie.
439
00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:07,880
Shirley and I are
getting divorced.
440
00:16:09,130 --> 00:16:11,330
Stuffing needs salt.
441
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:12,700
Wait, what?
442
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:14,370
No. Why?
443
00:16:14,570 --> 00:16:16,200
We just realized
we're not right for each other.
444
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:17,870
Now? Now you realized?
445
00:16:18,070 --> 00:16:21,000
Once Moishe almost died,
I assumed he'd retire.
446
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:22,590
He been talking about retiring
for years.
447
00:16:22,790 --> 00:16:24,340
I did,
but once you're close to death,
448
00:16:24,540 --> 00:16:26,630
you realize how short life is.
449
00:16:26,830 --> 00:16:28,510
And I thought, I haven't done
half the things
450
00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:31,510
I set out to do in my business,
so I decided to expand.
451
00:16:31,710 --> 00:16:33,310
And now we're kaput.
452
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:34,930
How's the turkey? Need salt?
453
00:16:35,130 --> 00:16:36,640
Oh, the turkey's delicious,
Shirley.
454
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:37,640
It's Thanksgiving.
455
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:38,730
We're all sitting down
to dinner,
456
00:16:38,930 --> 00:16:40,060
and you just dump this on us?
457
00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:42,020
Relax, Joel, everything's fine.
We're fine.
458
00:16:42,220 --> 00:16:44,610
We're still sharing the home
for now. Nothing's changed.
459
00:16:44,810 --> 00:16:46,110
Yeah, we just put a piece
of plexiglass
460
00:16:46,310 --> 00:16:48,320
down the center of the bed
so we don't touch butts,
461
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,450
but you can still see
if the other person is
462
00:16:50,650 --> 00:16:51,570
choking in their sleep.
463
00:16:51,770 --> 00:16:52,780
So there's still love.
464
00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:54,490
Guys, can't you two
work this out?
465
00:16:54,690 --> 00:16:55,910
Really?
466
00:16:56,110 --> 00:16:57,500
You're the one asking
that question?
467
00:16:57,700 --> 00:16:59,210
Little Miss "One strike
and your husband's out"?
468
00:16:59,410 --> 00:17:00,580
Don't talk to Midge that way.
469
00:17:00,780 --> 00:17:02,290
You and Ma have
to work this out.
470
00:17:02,490 --> 00:17:03,420
Not gonna happen, Joely.
471
00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:04,630
We tried. We talked.
472
00:17:04,830 --> 00:17:06,170
And then Moishe said
something to me
473
00:17:06,370 --> 00:17:09,680
that I never thought I would
ever hear my husband say,
474
00:17:09,870 --> 00:17:11,470
and he can't unsay it.
475
00:17:11,670 --> 00:17:13,760
And in response
Shirley said something to me
476
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,220
I never thought
another human being,
477
00:17:15,420 --> 00:17:17,680
let alone my wife of 34 years,
would say to me,
478
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,770
and she can't unsay it.
479
00:17:19,970 --> 00:17:21,900
- Well, I'm on Mom's side here.
- What? Why?
480
00:17:22,090 --> 00:17:24,270
Why? You had a heart attack,
of course you should retire.
481
00:17:24,470 --> 00:17:26,400
Well, thank you
for your loyalty to the gender.
482
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,280
Very nice.
483
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,360
Hey, since we're all sharing
big life news,
484
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:31,910
you have something to tell
the people, don't you, Joel?
485
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:33,910
- Really, Pop?
- An announcement.
486
00:17:34,110 --> 00:17:35,530
Something you've been
sitting on way too long.
487
00:17:35,730 --> 00:17:36,740
What announcement?
488
00:17:36,940 --> 00:17:38,700
Well, uh...
489
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:41,040
This wasn't exactly when
I was going to tell you, but...
490
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:42,710
Watch it!
491
00:17:42,910 --> 00:17:44,130
- Ethan, switch with Daddy.
- Okay.
492
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:46,500
Can't believe
I have to... Okay, so,
493
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:48,630
as my newly single father
just said,
494
00:17:48,830 --> 00:17:49,840
I do have some news.
495
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,260
It's about me and my girlfriend.
496
00:17:51,460 --> 00:17:53,840
- Hey, watch it.
- Esther, kids' table. Move.
497
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,490
- Okay.
- Sorry. Go ahead.
498
00:17:57,530 --> 00:17:59,600
We are gonna get married.
499
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:00,890
Oh, my God!
500
00:18:01,090 --> 00:18:02,600
- Congratulations.
- Oh, my God. Yes.
501
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:03,600
And we're gonna have a baby.
502
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,810
- Uh, mazel!
- What? Oh, my God!
503
00:18:06,010 --> 00:18:08,400
W-Well, who is this girl,
thi-this fiancée?
504
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:09,480
- You know her.
- I do?
505
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:10,490
- You met her.
- When?
506
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:11,990
- You played mah-jongg with her.
- Where?
507
00:18:12,190 --> 00:18:13,410
- At the hospital?
- What hospital?
508
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,070
The hospital
when Pop had his heart attack.
509
00:18:15,270 --> 00:18:17,370
- Oh. Did I win?
- Yes. You met her,
510
00:18:17,570 --> 00:18:18,700
you love her,
we're getting married.
511
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:20,870
A grandchild.
Rose, did you hear?
512
00:18:21,070 --> 00:18:22,870
How dare you keep this from me?
513
00:18:23,070 --> 00:18:24,580
He kept it from you, not me!
514
00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:26,880
You want me to be miserable,
but I won't.
515
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,380
I'll have a daughter-in-law
and a grandchild,
516
00:18:29,580 --> 00:18:32,010
and you will drop dead
517
00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:34,180
in a pile of
the men's spring collection.
518
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:35,390
What a thing to say
on a holiday.
519
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:39,720
Enjoy the Zen beauty
and relative anonymity
520
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,350
of this table
as long as you can.
521
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:46,770
I'm starving.
522
00:18:46,970 --> 00:18:48,110
Impossible.
523
00:18:48,310 --> 00:18:49,900
I think you ate
the entire turkey by yourself.
524
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,610
- Ha, you ate the turkey by yourself.
- - Did not.
525
00:18:52,810 --> 00:18:56,030
- Wânshàng hâo, Mrs. Chou.
- Wânshàng hâo,
- Mrs. Chou.
526
00:18:56,230 --> 00:18:57,420
Watch out, watch out.
527
00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:02,050
Put that bag in the kitchen,
Ethan.
528
00:19:04,180 --> 00:19:05,870
A lady already lives here.
529
00:19:06,070 --> 00:19:07,180
What?
530
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,630
Uh, kids do me a favor,
531
00:19:10,830 --> 00:19:12,520
can you go in Daddy's bedroom
for a minute?
532
00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:15,470
- Take my hand.
- No!
533
00:19:15,670 --> 00:19:17,780
- I'm supposed to show you.
- I know where it is.
534
00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:20,680
Why didn't you tell me
you were coming back today?
535
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,280
I missed you.
536
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,310
I didn't know about the kids.
537
00:19:28,510 --> 00:19:30,820
That you had them.
Today, I mean.
538
00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:32,150
It's okay.
539
00:19:36,690 --> 00:19:38,030
You want something to eat?
540
00:19:38,230 --> 00:19:39,320
I have a whole Thanksgiving meal
in the kitchen.
541
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:40,470
I'm moving to Chicago.
542
00:19:41,510 --> 00:19:42,620
Easing into a conversation's
543
00:19:42,820 --> 00:19:43,950
really not your strong suit,
is it?
544
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:45,750
Sorry. How was your Thanks...
545
00:19:45,950 --> 00:19:47,970
- Moment's passed, Mei.
- Right. Sorry.
546
00:19:49,390 --> 00:19:50,590
- Sit down.
- No.
547
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,300
- You won't sit down?
- No.
548
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:55,300
I just need to stand here
and say what I came to say.
549
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:58,130
I think my residency is gonna
wind up in Chicago.
550
00:19:58,330 --> 00:19:59,760
I like the hospital
and the people.
551
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,600
Uh-huh. Well, I don't know
if you noticed,
552
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:02,930
but I don't live in Chicago,
553
00:20:03,130 --> 00:20:04,310
and I can't really move
right now.
554
00:20:04,510 --> 00:20:05,930
- I know.
- There's no hospital
555
00:20:06,130 --> 00:20:07,020
in the entire Northeast
that could work?
556
00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:07,980
- No.
- You've looked?
557
00:20:08,180 --> 00:20:09,150
- No.
- Should you?
558
00:20:09,350 --> 00:20:10,750
Because we're having a baby.
559
00:20:11,870 --> 00:20:13,040
No.
560
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,030
No?
561
00:20:15,230 --> 00:20:16,250
We're not...
562
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,800
...anymore.
563
00:20:21,380 --> 00:20:22,830
What happened?
564
00:20:23,030 --> 00:20:24,660
Are you all right?
Why didn't you call me?
565
00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:25,870
I would have been
on the next train to...
566
00:20:26,070 --> 00:20:27,540
Nothing happened. I just...
567
00:20:28,910 --> 00:20:30,560
We're...
568
00:20:32,350 --> 00:20:34,750
...just not having
a baby anymore.
569
00:20:34,950 --> 00:20:37,190
I don't understand.
570
00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:42,240
Oh, shit. I understand.
571
00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:44,970
I'm sorry.
572
00:20:45,170 --> 00:20:46,310
I'm gonna sit down.
573
00:20:46,510 --> 00:20:48,450
All my life I've had one goal.
574
00:20:49,490 --> 00:20:51,310
You knew
I never intended to have
575
00:20:51,510 --> 00:20:53,150
a serious relationship
with anyone,
576
00:20:53,350 --> 00:20:55,780
and this thing with you was...
577
00:20:55,980 --> 00:20:58,780
Daddy!
Esther's pointing at me again!
578
00:20:58,980 --> 00:21:01,620
- I'll be there in a minute!
- Daddy, she won't stop!
579
00:21:01,810 --> 00:21:03,930
In a minute, Ethan!
Goddamn it!
580
00:21:05,050 --> 00:21:08,000
Shit. Sorry, Ethan!
581
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,830
- I know you're upset.
- I don't understand.
582
00:21:10,030 --> 00:21:11,750
If you were gonna do this,
why the hell did you tell me
583
00:21:11,950 --> 00:21:13,840
you were pregnant
in the first place?
584
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,460
I mean, since I don't matter
in the equation.
585
00:21:15,660 --> 00:21:17,840
- That's not true.
- Can Jews be monks?
586
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,300
'Cause my fucking
relationship track record...
587
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:22,430
I know I should have
thought it through better.
588
00:21:22,630 --> 00:21:25,930
But I didn't,
because you are...
589
00:21:26,130 --> 00:21:28,310
You're you.
590
00:21:28,510 --> 00:21:30,310
I never saw you coming.
591
00:21:30,510 --> 00:21:31,600
You should be
an optometrist, then.
592
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,150
Might help with that eyesight.
593
00:21:33,350 --> 00:21:35,110
Don't be sarcastic, please.
594
00:21:35,310 --> 00:21:36,820
Okay. Don't be upset,
don't be sarcastic,
595
00:21:37,020 --> 00:21:40,360
- don't give a shit.
- I didn't say that. I just...
596
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:44,760
I can't have it all, Joel.
597
00:21:46,550 --> 00:21:49,080
The world doesn't work that way.
598
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:53,560
If I'm really gonna be a doctor,
then I just have to be a doctor.
599
00:21:54,770 --> 00:21:57,810
Please understand.
600
00:21:59,230 --> 00:22:01,730
I really need you to understand.
601
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,700
Okay.
602
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,770
Okay, fuck it. Fine.
I understand.
603
00:22:09,970 --> 00:22:11,980
I do. You're gonna be
a terrific doctor.
604
00:22:12,180 --> 00:22:14,600
- Thank you.
- You got all your stuff?
605
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,400
You must've left
some things here.
606
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:17,860
Oh, just this sweater.
607
00:22:18,060 --> 00:22:19,730
One sweater.
608
00:22:19,930 --> 00:22:21,860
Boy, I'm really not
very observant, am I?
609
00:22:22,060 --> 00:22:23,530
Girl leaves nothing
but a sweater,
610
00:22:23,730 --> 00:22:25,490
- that's a pretty big
fucking sign.
- Please, Joel, I...
611
00:22:25,690 --> 00:22:28,090
I got the kids, Mei.
612
00:22:30,340 --> 00:22:32,350
I really do wish you luck.
613
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:41,510
I'll send you my new address.
614
00:22:41,710 --> 00:22:42,980
Sure. Send the address.
615
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,220
- Bye, Joel.
- Bye.
616
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:53,660
You're a turkey leg.
617
00:22:54,910 --> 00:22:56,560
You're a turkey leg.
618
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,230
You're two turkey legs.
619
00:22:58,430 --> 00:23:01,780
Turkey leg, turkey leg,
turkey leg.
620
00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:03,990
Esther, you keep pointing
that finger at Ethan,
621
00:23:04,190 --> 00:23:06,450
he's gonna eat it.
622
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,290
Excuse me, Miss?
Uh, this turkey is very dry.
623
00:23:12,490 --> 00:23:14,250
That's food that
someone brought from home.
624
00:23:14,450 --> 00:23:15,580
I can't help you.
625
00:23:15,780 --> 00:23:17,830
Uh, excuse me, Miss?
More Chianti?
626
00:23:18,030 --> 00:23:19,840
That's wine that
someone brought from home.
627
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:21,460
Jesus Christ.
628
00:23:21,660 --> 00:23:23,210
I'll be leading the whole room
in saying grace.
629
00:23:23,410 --> 00:23:25,010
You got to say grace
at Thanksgiving, so be ready.
630
00:23:25,210 --> 00:23:27,260
- I don't know grace.
- I do. Great ass.
631
00:23:27,460 --> 00:23:29,390
He got you.
632
00:23:29,590 --> 00:23:31,140
Get it all out now.
You got two minutes.
633
00:23:31,340 --> 00:23:32,640
Susie, be in charge
of this section.
634
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,520
We all say grace together
in just over two minutes.
635
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:35,850
Sounds fun.
636
00:23:36,050 --> 00:23:37,770
I just don't know
if I'm ready to tour.
637
00:23:37,970 --> 00:23:39,810
It's not a tour. It's a two-week
stint at the Hacienda.
638
00:23:40,010 --> 00:23:41,270
The audience comes to you.
639
00:23:41,470 --> 00:23:43,320
- Sounds intimidating.
- It's not.
640
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,530
You do the show,
then you go back to your room.
641
00:23:45,730 --> 00:23:48,240
I got you a really nice suite,
with maid service.
642
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:50,410
You ever have maid service?
A girl cleans your room,
643
00:23:50,610 --> 00:23:52,370
makes your bed.
Hell, it's Vegas,
644
00:23:52,570 --> 00:23:54,290
- she'll probably give you
a tug if you ask for it.
- A what?
645
00:23:54,490 --> 00:23:56,790
I even got you
a first-class plane ticket.
646
00:23:56,990 --> 00:23:58,500
Plane ticket? I can't fly.
647
00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:00,380
No, the plane flies,
you just sit in it.
648
00:24:00,580 --> 00:24:03,210
I can't go on a plane.
They make no sense.
649
00:24:03,410 --> 00:24:04,590
I mean, what keeps them up?
650
00:24:04,790 --> 00:24:05,840
I don't know,
what keeps a bird up?
651
00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:07,590
- Worries about money?
- Was that a joke?
652
00:24:07,790 --> 00:24:09,590
You set me up,
but I'm not flying.
653
00:24:09,790 --> 00:24:11,510
Oh, yes, you are.
You'll be fine.
654
00:24:11,710 --> 00:24:13,430
You're coming, too, right?
655
00:24:13,630 --> 00:24:16,060
Me? Are you kidding? I'm not
getting on a fucking plane.
656
00:24:16,260 --> 00:24:18,560
Ow! Shit.
657
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,860
I think
I just fucked up my tooth.
658
00:24:21,060 --> 00:24:23,320
Which one of you losers
brought these rolls?
659
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:26,150
I did.
Made 'em myself. You like?
660
00:24:26,350 --> 00:24:29,110
- No. They're hard as rocks.
- Oh, that's on purpose.
661
00:24:29,310 --> 00:24:31,870
It's an old family recipe.
We call 'em Hard Rock Rolls.
662
00:24:32,070 --> 00:24:33,450
Well, that is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.
663
00:24:33,650 --> 00:24:34,870
You know, you're supposed
to soak 'em in hot water
664
00:24:35,070 --> 00:24:36,200
for ten minutes
before biting into 'em.
665
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:37,460
Did you not know that?
666
00:24:37,660 --> 00:24:38,670
No, I did not know that.
667
00:24:38,860 --> 00:24:40,080
Everyone, an announcement!
668
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,250
The Stage Deli is
not responsible
669
00:24:42,450 --> 00:24:45,130
for Grandma's sawdust turkey,
Grandpa's lumpy potatoes,
670
00:24:45,330 --> 00:24:47,220
Aunt Betty's
sour cranberry sauce,
671
00:24:47,410 --> 00:24:49,340
or the raisins
in the goddamn carrot cake.
672
00:24:49,540 --> 00:24:51,180
So stop asking.
673
00:24:51,380 --> 00:24:54,350
- You're dismissed, Fred.
- Okay. Enjoy your evening.
674
00:24:54,550 --> 00:24:57,560
- Hey, Verla, can we get some
more hot water for these rolls?
- No!
675
00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,440
Wow, looks like
there's already plenty of food.
676
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:01,400
- Hi, Alfie.
- Are you limping?
677
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,060
Yeah, I almost lost a toe.
678
00:25:03,260 --> 00:25:06,030
Hey, look at my tooth,
does it look weird?
679
00:25:06,230 --> 00:25:08,110
You have spinach in it,
or something.
680
00:25:08,310 --> 00:25:09,740
Oh! It's moving.
681
00:25:09,940 --> 00:25:11,570
It's the goddamn
Hard Rock Rolls.
682
00:25:11,770 --> 00:25:13,700
Fred's rolls? You're supposed
to soak 'em first.
683
00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:15,450
Never mind all that.
Listen.
684
00:25:15,650 --> 00:25:17,410
I kissed Bobby's ass,
and I finally got you
685
00:25:17,610 --> 00:25:19,830
a slot at that club on 15th,
next Thursday.
686
00:25:20,030 --> 00:25:22,210
- Great. I'm ready.
- And Boise called.
687
00:25:22,410 --> 00:25:23,840
I can't understand you
with your finger in your mouth.
688
00:25:24,030 --> 00:25:25,500
Boise called.
689
00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:27,300
They paid off the right cops
so the Wolford's reopening.
690
00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:29,090
They still want you,
if you're into that.
691
00:25:29,290 --> 00:25:31,010
If you're okay with it, I am.
I've got clean stuff,
692
00:25:31,210 --> 00:25:32,720
dirty stuff,
I need a place to stay sharp.
693
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,680
Okay, everyone,
there will be no group grace
694
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:36,470
due to an utter lack
of interest in doing it
695
00:25:36,670 --> 00:25:37,970
and an endless
string of jokes about
696
00:25:38,170 --> 00:25:39,520
what to do
with the turkey neck.
697
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,140
So, enjoy your food,
happy Thanksgiving.
698
00:25:41,340 --> 00:25:43,060
- I'm not flying.
- Yes, you are.
699
00:25:43,260 --> 00:25:45,440
- I am ready to go, too.
- I'm not flying.
700
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,280
Yes, you are. I got
a lot of irons in the fire.
701
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,320
- I'm not flying.
- Yes, you are.
702
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,110
Ugh, I am gonna kill you, Fred.
703
00:26:17,130 --> 00:26:19,100
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
704
00:26:24,850 --> 00:26:27,400
Ah! I hate you!
705
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,400
One, two...
706
00:26:33,420 --> 00:26:34,780
I tricked you! Whoa!
707
00:26:44,310 --> 00:26:45,750
Hiya, Mike.
708
00:26:45,950 --> 00:26:48,540
- What are you doing here?
- I'm looking for a tree.
709
00:26:48,740 --> 00:26:50,960
- Did you follow me here?
- I just thought we could talk.
710
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,760
- You thought...
- - Cocoa with marshmallows, now available...
711
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:54,970
I'm here with my kids.
712
00:26:55,170 --> 00:26:56,140
They're running around here
somewhere.
713
00:26:56,340 --> 00:26:57,640
I'm sorry, you forced my hand.
714
00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:58,930
I... what?
715
00:26:59,130 --> 00:27:00,430
I wanted to talk to you
at the studio...
716
00:27:00,630 --> 00:27:03,270
but suddenly
I can't get through security.
717
00:27:03,470 --> 00:27:04,730
You can't get through security
'cause I gave them your picture
718
00:27:04,930 --> 00:27:06,270
and said,
"Under no circumstances
719
00:27:06,470 --> 00:27:08,230
- do you let this person in."
- Well, was it flattering?
720
00:27:08,430 --> 00:27:10,110
The photo? Backlit,
little shoulder action?
721
00:27:10,310 --> 00:27:12,070
- I'm holding a saw.
- I have to talk to you.
722
00:27:12,270 --> 00:27:13,280
- Yeah.
- I want you to give my girl
723
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,240
Miriam Maisel another look-see.
724
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,620
Just come and see her do her
thing, you will not regret it.
725
00:27:17,820 --> 00:27:19,700
Oh, I already offered to see her
do her thing, remember?
726
00:27:19,900 --> 00:27:21,950
You flipped out, cursed me,
and stomped off
727
00:27:22,150 --> 00:27:24,000
to the enchanted bog
you slithered out of.
728
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,540
- Well, let's set
something up again.
- No.
729
00:27:26,740 --> 00:27:28,840
I don't offer again.
730
00:27:29,030 --> 00:27:30,460
I will not see your girl.
731
00:27:30,660 --> 00:27:31,750
Fine, you don't have to see her.
732
00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:32,960
Send someone from the office.
733
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:34,340
Uh, one of your women writers.
734
00:27:34,540 --> 00:27:35,840
We don't have any women writers.
735
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,390
Oh, so Gordon Ford's just
one big cock parade, huh?
736
00:27:38,590 --> 00:27:39,800
What's going on
with your mouth?
737
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:41,430
It's my tooth.
Don't worry about it.
738
00:27:41,630 --> 00:27:43,270
- Want me to saw it
out of your head?
- No, thanks.
739
00:27:43,470 --> 00:27:44,480
Go away.
740
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:46,310
Hey, I am being nice here.
741
00:27:46,510 --> 00:27:47,850
I'm sorry, what?
742
00:27:48,050 --> 00:27:49,560
I came all the way up here
to make it convenient for you,
743
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,230
and now you're brushing me off?
744
00:27:51,430 --> 00:27:53,280
Where's a pack of wolves
when you need one?
745
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,320
Hey, who brought you
Sophie Lennon, huh?
746
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:57,530
I did,
and that interview worked.
747
00:27:57,730 --> 00:28:00,660
It was huge. It single-handedly
drove your ratings up.
748
00:28:00,860 --> 00:28:02,200
And you're strutting
around that studio,
749
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:03,410
taking all the credit.
750
00:28:03,610 --> 00:28:04,910
I did that for you, Mikey.
751
00:28:05,110 --> 00:28:06,370
You know something?
752
00:28:06,570 --> 00:28:09,210
There is one thing that
I look forward to all year long,
753
00:28:09,410 --> 00:28:12,550
one thing that brings me pure
happiness, and it's this.
754
00:28:12,740 --> 00:28:14,590
Christmas tree hunting
with my kids.
755
00:28:14,790 --> 00:28:17,590
We do it every year,
and it's a fucking joy!
756
00:28:17,790 --> 00:28:21,470
Now you are going to stay!
Right there!
757
00:28:21,670 --> 00:28:24,600
And I'm gonna go buy cider
for my kids
758
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:26,580
and forget
that you ever happened.
759
00:28:27,950 --> 00:28:29,850
Oh, I already bought them
some cider.
760
00:28:30,050 --> 00:28:32,480
Wanted to keep 'em occupied.
761
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,460
You know, it's weird, none
of 'em really look like you.
762
00:28:36,130 --> 00:28:38,920
I'm giving this place
your picture next year.
763
00:28:51,740 --> 00:28:54,050
Did you promise to take
my kids to a movie?
764
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:55,090
Maybe.
765
00:28:55,290 --> 00:28:56,550
Spartacus?
766
00:28:56,750 --> 00:28:58,760
- Was it Spartacus?
- Maybe.
767
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:01,470
The three-hour movie
with all the crucifixions?
768
00:29:01,670 --> 00:29:03,550
That was the movie
you thought would be great
769
00:29:03,750 --> 00:29:04,970
for three kids under ten to see?
770
00:29:05,170 --> 00:29:06,100
I thought
they'd like the horses.
771
00:29:06,300 --> 00:29:07,230
So you've ruined Christmas
772
00:29:07,420 --> 00:29:08,350
and crucifixions for me.
773
00:29:08,550 --> 00:29:10,480
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
774
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:12,810
And because of you,
775
00:29:13,010 --> 00:29:14,980
I picked
the worst tree on the lot.
776
00:29:15,180 --> 00:29:17,240
You got in my head
and you blew my focus.
777
00:29:17,430 --> 00:29:20,740
- Mike, I just...
- You will never set foot
in 30 Rock again.
778
00:29:20,940 --> 00:29:22,410
Do you understand?
779
00:29:22,610 --> 00:29:25,200
You won't even be allowed
to stand in front of 30 Rock.
780
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:26,620
You're gonna make it to 20 Rock,
781
00:29:26,820 --> 00:29:28,750
and then
you're gonna have to turn right.
782
00:29:28,950 --> 00:29:31,500
You even won't be allowed
to walk down 5th Avenue.
783
00:29:31,700 --> 00:29:33,290
You won't be able to stand
in front of Saks,
784
00:29:33,490 --> 00:29:36,340
because it is across the street
from 30 Rock on 5th Avenue.
785
00:29:36,540 --> 00:29:38,170
If you want to go to Saks,
786
00:29:38,370 --> 00:29:40,930
you're gonna have to enter
from the 49th Street side.
787
00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:42,970
- I don't go to Saks.
- In fact, stay out of Midtown.
788
00:29:43,170 --> 00:29:44,220
You're not allowed in Midtown.
789
00:29:44,420 --> 00:29:45,560
My office is in Midtown.
790
00:29:45,750 --> 00:29:46,680
Move your office,
791
00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:48,020
and that goes for your girl,
too.
792
00:29:48,220 --> 00:29:49,140
She doesn't have an office.
793
00:29:49,340 --> 00:29:50,560
She will never set foot
794
00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:52,020
in that building either.
795
00:29:52,220 --> 00:29:54,190
And I'm betting
that she does go to Saks,
796
00:29:54,390 --> 00:29:57,400
so that 49th Street entrance
is going to fucking kill her.
797
00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:00,950
It is miles away
from the fucking elevators.
798
00:30:01,140 --> 00:30:03,950
Hey, kids, isn't
that Santa Claus over there?
799
00:30:04,150 --> 00:30:05,830
- Where? Where?
- Where's Santa Claus?
800
00:30:06,020 --> 00:30:07,660
Oops, made a mistake.
801
00:30:07,860 --> 00:30:10,410
I don't think that
that was Santa after all.
802
00:30:10,610 --> 00:30:12,790
Spartacus! Spartacus!
803
00:30:12,990 --> 00:30:15,420
Spartacus! Spartacus!
Spartacus!
804
00:30:15,620 --> 00:30:17,250
Spartacus!
805
00:30:17,450 --> 00:30:18,630
Spartacus! Spartacus!
806
00:30:18,830 --> 00:30:20,840
There is no fucking Santa Claus!
807
00:30:24,210 --> 00:30:25,180
Hello?
808
00:30:25,380 --> 00:30:27,260
Oh, there's a... ow.
809
00:30:27,460 --> 00:30:29,430
There's a ticket
to Vegas, and it... ow.
810
00:30:29,630 --> 00:30:30,930
There's a ticket to Vegas
811
00:30:31,130 --> 00:30:33,060
and it needs
to be picked up! Ow.
812
00:30:33,260 --> 00:30:35,060
- So how's your tooth?
- Shut up.
813
00:30:35,260 --> 00:30:36,810
You know I can't
understand you, right?
814
00:30:37,010 --> 00:30:38,150
I got to get the stupid
815
00:30:38,350 --> 00:30:39,940
magician... ow, ow!
816
00:30:40,140 --> 00:30:41,570
Fuck me.
817
00:30:41,770 --> 00:30:43,110
You have to go to a dentist.
818
00:30:43,310 --> 00:30:44,660
I have to get this asshole...
819
00:30:44,860 --> 00:30:46,490
on a plane!
820
00:30:46,690 --> 00:30:47,700
I'm not going.
821
00:30:47,900 --> 00:30:49,040
Yes, you are. Ow.
822
00:30:49,230 --> 00:30:50,620
No. I'm not going.
823
00:30:50,820 --> 00:30:52,250
- I'm not going. I'm not going...
- You are going. Ow!
824
00:30:52,450 --> 00:30:54,080
You are going,
if I have to tie you
825
00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:55,330
- to a fucking... ow.
- I'm not going.
826
00:30:55,530 --> 00:30:56,960
I'm gonna kill myself.
827
00:30:57,160 --> 00:30:58,420
Susie, this is ridiculous.
828
00:30:58,620 --> 00:30:59,840
I am calling my
dentist right now.
829
00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:01,260
You are heading right over.
830
00:31:01,460 --> 00:31:02,840
But Alfie...
831
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:04,510
Alfie is not going!
832
00:31:04,710 --> 00:31:05,890
I will take Alfie
to the airport.
833
00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:07,220
- You will?
- Will what?
834
00:31:07,420 --> 00:31:08,350
Yes.
835
00:31:08,550 --> 00:31:10,310
Okay, but you can't just
drop him off curbside.
836
00:31:10,510 --> 00:31:12,180
You got to see him
walk on the plane.
837
00:31:12,380 --> 00:31:14,060
And don't let him
go to the bathroom
838
00:31:14,260 --> 00:31:16,020
'cause he will climb out
a window or flush himself
839
00:31:16,220 --> 00:31:17,980
- down the toilet. He's slippery.
- I promise.
840
00:31:18,180 --> 00:31:19,480
I am calling the dentist.
841
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,280
Bye.
842
00:31:40,330 --> 00:31:41,800
Okay, out of the car.
843
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:44,170
No. I'm not going.
844
00:31:44,370 --> 00:31:45,630
- Okay.
- I mean it.
845
00:31:45,830 --> 00:31:46,760
I know you do.
846
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:48,090
I don't think you're
listening to me.
847
00:31:48,290 --> 00:31:49,390
Of course I am.
848
00:32:03,020 --> 00:32:04,360
Why are all these
people leaving?
849
00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:05,740
Is there gonna be
some sort of invasion
850
00:32:05,940 --> 00:32:07,110
that I don't know about?
851
00:32:07,310 --> 00:32:09,320
No gate number yet. Let's sit.
852
00:32:13,490 --> 00:32:16,040
I can just walk out of here,
you know. You can't stop me.
853
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:18,170
I have your cape, and
I'm not giving it back
854
00:32:18,370 --> 00:32:20,000
until you step onto that plane.
855
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:22,590
You know, you're being
very silly. Flying is fun.
856
00:32:22,790 --> 00:32:24,710
They bring you
drinks and food...
857
00:32:24,910 --> 00:32:26,420
Oh, good. A last meal.
858
00:32:30,150 --> 00:32:32,220
Here. It's from Susie.
859
00:32:32,420 --> 00:32:33,890
It's used.
860
00:32:34,090 --> 00:32:35,850
It's from Ethan.
861
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:43,980
So, I got a phone
call the other day,
862
00:32:44,180 --> 00:32:46,400
which was surprising, since
I didn't know I had a phone.
863
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:48,900
It was from a man...
864
00:32:49,100 --> 00:32:51,260
a talent manager.
865
00:32:53,010 --> 00:32:54,760
And what did he want?
866
00:32:56,010 --> 00:32:58,000
He said he'd seen
one of my shows.
867
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:00,290
He said he thought
I was very talented
868
00:33:00,490 --> 00:33:02,670
and that I could be bigger
than Houdini, which is ridiculous.
869
00:33:02,870 --> 00:33:04,550
I'm already bigger than Houdini.
870
00:33:04,750 --> 00:33:06,090
Houdini was a very tiny man.
871
00:33:06,290 --> 00:33:07,590
That's why he fit
so easily in a box.
872
00:33:07,790 --> 00:33:09,880
Did you tell him you
already have a manager?
873
00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:11,430
I did.
874
00:33:11,630 --> 00:33:13,100
He said he knew Susie Myerson
875
00:33:13,300 --> 00:33:15,890
and that she was
an elevator operator.
876
00:33:16,090 --> 00:33:17,430
A what?
877
00:33:17,630 --> 00:33:19,730
Someone you meet
going up or going down.
878
00:33:19,930 --> 00:33:21,770
He said if you
want to be on top,
879
00:33:21,970 --> 00:33:23,560
you have to get
off the elevator.
880
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:25,400
At the top, presumably.
881
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,320
Alfie, do you know why
you're getting on this plane?
882
00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:29,650
Because you stole my cape.
883
00:33:29,850 --> 00:33:33,570
Because you are about to
play a 2,000-seat room in Vegas.
884
00:33:33,770 --> 00:33:35,660
You have top billing,
885
00:33:35,860 --> 00:33:37,620
amazing accommodations,
and you are making
886
00:33:37,820 --> 00:33:39,250
more money than you've
ever seen in your life.
887
00:33:39,450 --> 00:33:41,370
That's not true. I
slept in a safe once.
888
00:33:41,570 --> 00:33:44,130
Six months ago, you were
hustling drunks in a bar.
889
00:33:44,330 --> 00:33:46,050
You were done.
890
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:47,630
No one cared what
happened to you.
891
00:33:47,830 --> 00:33:49,840
No one except Susie Myerson.
892
00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:51,650
I know that.
893
00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:54,050
It's easy to see a diamond
894
00:33:54,250 --> 00:33:56,100
once it's in the
window at Tiffany's.
895
00:33:56,300 --> 00:33:58,020
It's a little harder
when it's throwing up
896
00:33:58,220 --> 00:34:00,160
in a bucket in your office.
897
00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:03,520
Susie is one of a kind.
898
00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:05,900
You'll never find another Susie.
899
00:34:06,100 --> 00:34:08,320
You just remember that.
900
00:34:13,300 --> 00:34:16,160
Yeah, so that's Gate 4, right?
901
00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:17,910
Hi there. This
is Alfie Zielinski.
902
00:34:18,110 --> 00:34:19,870
He's on the 2:45 to Las Vegas.
903
00:34:20,070 --> 00:34:21,160
All right, wonderful.
904
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:22,460
It's his first time on a plane,
905
00:34:22,660 --> 00:34:23,830
and he's a little nervous.
906
00:34:24,030 --> 00:34:25,330
I see that noted here.
907
00:34:25,530 --> 00:34:27,590
Don't you worry, we'll
take good care of him.
908
00:34:27,790 --> 00:34:30,130
Hello, Alfie, welcome to TWA.
909
00:34:30,330 --> 00:34:32,050
We're going to be great friends.
910
00:34:32,250 --> 00:34:33,590
Hey!
911
00:34:33,790 --> 00:34:35,510
It's a little sign that tells
everyone who you are.
912
00:34:35,710 --> 00:34:37,890
I won't have to explain a thing.
913
00:34:38,090 --> 00:34:39,850
Call Susie when you
land. Have a great run.
914
00:34:40,050 --> 00:34:42,450
And remember what
we talked about, hmm?
915
00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:47,230
Welcome to the
TWA Flight Center.
916
00:34:47,430 --> 00:34:48,610
Alfie, wait!
917
00:34:48,810 --> 00:34:49,860
I have your cape.
918
00:34:50,060 --> 00:34:51,880
Oh, I got it back an hour ago.
919
00:34:57,010 --> 00:34:59,410
- Right down this way.
- Come on, honey, hurry! Don't lock the gate!
920
00:34:59,610 --> 00:35:00,700
Miriam?
921
00:35:02,110 --> 00:35:03,410
What are you doing here?
922
00:35:03,610 --> 00:35:05,670
Oh, hi. I'm doing
923
00:35:05,870 --> 00:35:07,790
a last-minute favor for Susie.
There was an emergency.
924
00:35:07,990 --> 00:35:10,210
Oh, so for Susie she
could come out here.
925
00:35:10,410 --> 00:35:12,260
For her parents, bubkes.
926
00:35:12,460 --> 00:35:13,800
I'll admit it doesn't
look good, Miriam.
927
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:15,180
Susie has a client
who's going to Vegas.
928
00:35:15,380 --> 00:35:16,890
She needed someone
to see him off.
929
00:35:17,090 --> 00:35:18,760
I have yet to hear
anything remotely
930
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:20,390
resembling an emergency.
931
00:35:20,590 --> 00:35:22,390
- Her tooth hurt.
- Should we give you a moment
932
00:35:22,590 --> 00:35:23,980
to come up with a better story?
933
00:35:24,180 --> 00:35:25,100
Why aren't you on
a plane right now?
934
00:35:25,300 --> 00:35:26,650
They canceled our flight.
935
00:35:26,850 --> 00:35:28,980
No, Rose. They did
not cancel our flight.
936
00:35:29,180 --> 00:35:30,610
The flight is happening.
937
00:35:30,810 --> 00:35:32,650
- They canceled us.
- What are you talking about?
938
00:35:32,850 --> 00:35:34,610
They couldn't find our
reservations, and nothing else
939
00:35:34,810 --> 00:35:37,200
was available, so
now we're going home.
940
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:39,830
We'll be there when you're done
with your very important favor
941
00:35:40,030 --> 00:35:41,580
for the friend with a sore tooth
942
00:35:41,780 --> 00:35:43,250
who did not put you
through Bryn Mawr.
943
00:35:43,450 --> 00:35:44,830
Hey, why don't we
share a cab home?
944
00:35:45,030 --> 00:35:46,500
- No.
- Hmm?
945
00:35:46,700 --> 00:35:48,880
We came alone,
we'll go home alone.
946
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:51,340
Much like birth and death.
947
00:35:51,540 --> 00:35:54,300
Okay. I'll wave to you
as I drive alongside
948
00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:55,800
all the way back home.
949
00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:58,470
You know, we seem
to be experiencing
950
00:35:58,670 --> 00:36:00,390
a streak of very bad luck.
951
00:36:00,590 --> 00:36:01,810
I don't know about that.
952
00:36:02,010 --> 00:36:04,600
The dry cleaning, the dead
flowers at Thanksgiving,
953
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:07,020
I had two flat tires this week.
954
00:36:07,220 --> 00:36:10,250
Now suddenly our
plane reservations.
955
00:36:11,250 --> 00:36:13,110
What is it? What's the matter?
956
00:36:13,310 --> 00:36:15,280
Rose?
957
00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:17,610
Nothing. Let's just go home.
958
00:36:17,810 --> 00:36:19,450
All right.
959
00:36:19,650 --> 00:36:21,930
Let's beat Miriam to the taxis.
960
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:25,700
Yes, I know
961
00:36:25,900 --> 00:36:27,160
the flight was canceled.
962
00:36:27,360 --> 00:36:29,210
What I'm just trying to
figure out is how it happened.
963
00:36:29,410 --> 00:36:32,380
Was the woman who
canceled by any chance Italian,
964
00:36:32,580 --> 00:36:34,460
very intimidating?
965
00:36:34,660 --> 00:36:37,170
Or was it an Irish woman
with a very thick Irish accent?
966
00:36:37,370 --> 00:36:39,550
You know, "That's a
lovely hat by the way."
967
00:36:39,750 --> 00:36:41,680
Yes, that's an Irish accent.
968
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:43,810
I'm not an
impressionist, forgive me.
969
00:36:44,010 --> 00:36:46,230
Rose! I got a taxi! Let's go!
970
00:36:46,420 --> 00:36:48,640
One minute! Well,
could you hear anything
971
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:51,480
in the background then,
like screams, perhaps?
972
00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:53,730
Hacksaws or bones breaking?
973
00:36:53,930 --> 00:36:55,400
Rose! Come on!
974
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:56,690
I'm not joking.
975
00:36:56,890 --> 00:36:59,240
Rose Weissman, I'm
leaving without you!
976
00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:01,160
I have to go. My
husband's having a fit.
977
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:02,780
Abe, for God's sake!
978
00:37:02,980 --> 00:37:04,370
We lost the cab.
979
00:37:04,570 --> 00:37:05,830
There'll be another cab.
980
00:37:06,030 --> 00:37:07,830
Like there was another flight?!
981
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:18,630
Now arriving at
Gate 10, Flight 192
982
00:37:18,830 --> 00:37:20,470
from Los Angeles.
983
00:37:20,670 --> 00:37:22,300
Now arriving at Gate 10,
984
00:37:22,500 --> 00:37:24,660
Flight 192 from Los Angeles.
985
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:48,470
- Hello.
- Hello.
986
00:37:49,510 --> 00:37:50,920
First time traveling?
987
00:37:51,110 --> 00:37:53,210
And carrying things, yes.
988
00:37:53,410 --> 00:37:55,350
Can I, uh...?
989
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:05,140
Rothstein, Myers,
Friedman and Yabromowitz.
990
00:38:05,340 --> 00:38:06,970
Your rabbis?
991
00:38:07,170 --> 00:38:08,600
My lawyers.
992
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:10,270
Ah.
993
00:38:10,470 --> 00:38:12,270
Well, you don't
want to lose this.
994
00:38:12,470 --> 00:38:13,690
No.
995
00:38:13,890 --> 00:38:15,310
They charge by the word.
996
00:38:15,510 --> 00:38:17,460
- Mm.
- Double for the bad ones.
997
00:38:22,170 --> 00:38:24,630
So, you're taking a trip?
998
00:38:26,050 --> 00:38:27,950
I am West Coast bound, yes.
999
00:38:28,150 --> 00:38:29,910
- Really?
- Yes.
1000
00:38:30,110 --> 00:38:33,000
Gonna see what an
L.A. holding cell is like.
1001
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:34,630
I hear 72 and sunny.
1002
00:38:34,820 --> 00:38:36,350
No humidity.
1003
00:38:37,350 --> 00:38:38,710
How have you been?
1004
00:38:38,910 --> 00:38:40,840
Good. Really good.
1005
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:42,820
Good.
1006
00:38:44,990 --> 00:38:46,720
Are you off somewhere?
1007
00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:49,890
No. I just forced a
very nervous magician
1008
00:38:50,090 --> 00:38:52,100
to get on a plane by
holding his cape hostage.
1009
00:38:52,300 --> 00:38:53,690
I did that last week.
1010
00:38:53,890 --> 00:38:55,770
The bastard left rabbits
all over my apartment.
1011
00:38:55,970 --> 00:38:57,910
Mm.
1012
00:38:59,170 --> 00:39:01,280
So, how long are you
gonna be out west?
1013
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:03,030
Don't know.
1014
00:39:03,230 --> 00:39:04,530
I've got some gigs lined up.
1015
00:39:04,730 --> 00:39:06,070
I rented a house.
1016
00:39:06,270 --> 00:39:07,990
Wow.
1017
00:39:08,190 --> 00:39:10,120
You're a man with a lease.
1018
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:12,010
It happens to the best of us.
1019
00:39:14,310 --> 00:39:17,500
Well... I...
1020
00:39:17,700 --> 00:39:19,920
think you'll really enjoy L.A.
1021
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:22,800
With all the... sun and...
1022
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:24,800
oranges and Disneyland.
1023
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:26,930
- All the things you love.
- Oh, I'm sure I'll find
1024
00:39:27,130 --> 00:39:29,150
a cloud or two to hide under.
1025
00:39:32,450 --> 00:39:35,520
My kid's gonna come
stay with me for a while.
1026
00:39:35,720 --> 00:39:37,690
Lucky girl.
1027
00:39:37,890 --> 00:39:40,290
Yes.
1028
00:39:42,130 --> 00:39:44,530
Well, I should probably go
1029
00:39:44,730 --> 00:39:46,710
find a plane heading west.
1030
00:39:48,380 --> 00:39:50,700
I'm sorry I didn't call.
1031
00:39:50,900 --> 00:39:53,410
Oh, no. We don't do that, right?
1032
00:39:53,610 --> 00:39:55,370
Okay.
1033
00:39:55,570 --> 00:39:57,970
You take care.
1034
00:40:00,770 --> 00:40:02,770
Lenny!
1035
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:07,610
I'm not gonna blow it.
1036
00:40:16,990 --> 00:40:19,120
I'm gonna hold you to that.
1037
00:40:21,620 --> 00:40:23,480
This is the final boarding call
1038
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:25,820
for Flight 191 to Los Angeles...
1039
00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:32,580
This is the final boarding call
for Flight 191 to Los Angeles...
1040
00:40:39,070 --> 00:40:41,500
Excuse me. Sorry.
1041
00:41:07,770 --> 00:41:09,110
It's a $1.50 cover
1042
00:41:09,310 --> 00:41:10,700
with a two-drink minimum.
1043
00:41:10,900 --> 00:41:12,370
- Any sign of Joel?
- Nothing.
1044
00:41:12,570 --> 00:41:14,450
And he locked the
cash up in his desk.
1045
00:41:14,650 --> 00:41:16,660
I'm using my mad
money to make change.
1046
00:41:16,860 --> 00:41:19,210
Here you go. Enjoy the show.
1047
00:41:19,410 --> 00:41:21,080
Oh! Finally!
1048
00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:23,460
Archibald! My
faithful companion.
1049
00:41:23,660 --> 00:41:25,250
Okay, so Archibald
is not my name.
1050
00:41:25,450 --> 00:41:27,510
Sure, it is. Archibald,
short for Archie.
1051
00:41:27,710 --> 00:41:29,550
No. Archie would
be short for Archibald.
1052
00:41:29,750 --> 00:41:32,090
Like I said, Archibald,
my faithful companion!
1053
00:41:32,290 --> 00:41:34,050
Hey, we should get some horses.
1054
00:41:34,250 --> 00:41:36,220
- Uh...
- Get some boots and chaps.
1055
00:41:36,420 --> 00:41:37,720
Ride out into the sunset.
1056
00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:39,390
- Catch us some varmints.
- Yes.
1057
00:41:39,590 --> 00:41:41,350
Something to
consider. Not the chaps,
1058
00:41:41,550 --> 00:41:43,480
but the rest we can talk about.
Hey, where have you been?
1059
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:45,150
I just stopped off at a bar.
1060
00:41:45,350 --> 00:41:47,190
You own a bar. Why are
you stopping off at a bar?
1061
00:41:47,390 --> 00:41:49,150
Variety is the spice of life.
1062
00:41:49,350 --> 00:41:50,900
Allow me, pal.
1063
00:41:51,100 --> 00:41:53,050
How are you tonight, beautiful?
1064
00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:56,870
Thank you.
1065
00:41:57,070 --> 00:41:58,500
Absolutely. So what do
you think of the place?
1066
00:41:58,700 --> 00:42:01,330
I'm the owner, so, any
problems, you just come to me.
1067
00:42:01,530 --> 00:42:03,130
Excuse me, we were
having a conversation.
1068
00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:04,710
In here? No.
1069
00:42:04,910 --> 00:42:06,670
You want to talk, you
go to a quiet restaurant.
1070
00:42:06,870 --> 00:42:08,460
Take a walk on the beach.
1071
00:42:08,660 --> 00:42:10,880
You come here to drink, dance,
1072
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:12,970
to get close enough
to smell her perfume.
1073
00:42:13,170 --> 00:42:14,430
- Hey!
- Joel!
1074
00:42:14,630 --> 00:42:15,930
There's a terrible
martini olive problem
1075
00:42:16,130 --> 00:42:17,560
that needs your
immediate attention.
1076
00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:18,850
The place falls
apart without me.
1077
00:42:19,050 --> 00:42:19,980
I'll be right back.
1078
00:42:20,170 --> 00:42:22,310
No, he won't. No, he won't.
1079
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:31,280
Ladies and gentle...
Hey, stop playing.
1080
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,280
Jesus.
1081
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:35,240
You see a man is
up here trying to talk?
1082
00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:37,200
Fucking musicians.
1083
00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:39,330
Hello, everyone.
1084
00:42:39,530 --> 00:42:42,330
My name is Joel Maisel,
the owner of the Button Club.
1085
00:42:44,950 --> 00:42:46,460
You know, the great thing
about owning a club is that
1086
00:42:46,660 --> 00:42:48,050
all the things that made
you look like a loser
1087
00:42:48,240 --> 00:42:50,590
before are now part of your job.
1088
00:42:50,790 --> 00:42:53,090
For example, right
now I'm not drunk,
1089
00:42:53,290 --> 00:42:55,010
I am doing research.
1090
00:42:55,210 --> 00:42:56,850
And I am a very hard worker.
1091
00:42:58,630 --> 00:43:00,060
Hey, I got a laugh.
1092
00:43:00,260 --> 00:43:02,140
See? We don't
need this shitty band.
1093
00:43:02,340 --> 00:43:03,730
No way, pal.
1094
00:43:03,930 --> 00:43:06,730
I used to want to do
this for a living. Comedy?
1095
00:43:06,930 --> 00:43:09,860
Oh, yes. But, turns out,
1096
00:43:10,060 --> 00:43:12,280
my ex-wife is the one who
had the talent for comedy.
1097
00:43:14,060 --> 00:43:16,450
Ah, you know her.
Yes. She is very funny.
1098
00:43:16,650 --> 00:43:18,280
First time I saw her onstage,
1099
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,370
she spent ten minutes
talking about my jockey shorts.
1100
00:43:22,030 --> 00:43:23,040
That's ten minutes
more than she ever
1101
00:43:23,240 --> 00:43:24,620
spent washing my jockey shorts.
1102
00:43:24,820 --> 00:43:26,500
And I will admit, as a man
1103
00:43:26,700 --> 00:43:27,920
it was a little hard
listening to your wife
1104
00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:29,170
talk about you onstage.
1105
00:43:29,370 --> 00:43:31,210
But now that I'm up here,
1106
00:43:31,410 --> 00:43:33,590
I'm thinking
turnabout is fair play.
1107
00:43:33,790 --> 00:43:34,630
Right?
1108
00:43:35,830 --> 00:43:37,930
Okay, well...
1109
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:42,720
My wife has great tits.
1110
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:45,310
Really stellar. Right, Archie?
1111
00:43:45,510 --> 00:43:46,940
Never seen 'em. Wouldn't know.
1112
00:43:47,140 --> 00:43:49,150
He's shy. His wife
has good tits, too.
1113
00:43:49,350 --> 00:43:50,650
Not like mine, though.
1114
00:43:50,850 --> 00:43:53,150
My wife has Olympic
gold medal tits.
1115
00:43:53,350 --> 00:43:54,990
Who else's wife has great tits?
1116
00:43:55,190 --> 00:43:56,280
All right, buddy, that's enough!
1117
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:57,450
Come on, get off the stage.
1118
00:43:57,650 --> 00:43:59,160
Raise your hand there, man.
1119
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:01,030
Your wife's look pretty good.
1120
00:44:01,230 --> 00:44:03,250
Unless that's not your
wife, in which case...
1121
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:05,580
What are you doing
later, gorgeous?
1122
00:44:06,910 --> 00:44:09,210
Okay, everybody!
The bar is open.
1123
00:44:09,410 --> 00:44:10,960
And next round's on me.
1124
00:44:12,790 --> 00:44:14,460
Seriously, Joel,
get off the stage.
1125
00:44:14,660 --> 00:44:16,300
I'm just joking around.
1126
00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:18,140
Fucking joking.
1127
00:44:18,330 --> 00:44:20,390
Fine. Whatever.
1128
00:44:20,590 --> 00:44:22,390
Hey, how about some tunes?
1129
00:44:22,590 --> 00:44:24,270
He just called us shitty, man.
1130
00:44:24,470 --> 00:44:25,930
Hey, tell us a joke!
1131
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:35,500
Hey.
1132
00:44:36,670 --> 00:44:37,960
Hey!
1133
00:44:39,170 --> 00:44:41,410
You.
1134
00:44:41,610 --> 00:44:43,550
You did this, didn't you?
1135
00:44:45,010 --> 00:44:47,460
You couldn't just
let us figure it out?
1136
00:44:47,660 --> 00:44:49,830
She still would have
been a fucking doctor.
1137
00:44:50,030 --> 00:44:52,730
How many goddamn
times do I have to say this?!
1138
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:56,400
Say something! I'm right here!
1139
00:45:16,210 --> 00:45:18,460
Go back upstairs.
1140
00:45:35,480 --> 00:45:37,630
Hey, there you are.
How'd it go with the dentist?
1141
00:45:37,830 --> 00:45:39,760
Mm, yeah. It went great.
Very thorough guy, terrific guy.
1142
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:41,550
She's a woman.
1143
00:45:41,750 --> 00:45:43,180
Well, the deep voice fooled me.
1144
00:45:43,380 --> 00:45:44,600
You didn't go, did you?
1145
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,600
Nope, I'm cured. Amazing, right?
1146
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:48,350
I'll deal with it later.
How's the night going?
1147
00:45:48,550 --> 00:45:50,560
- Great.
- Oops. What happened?
1148
00:45:50,760 --> 00:45:52,270
I'm so rusty, Susie.
1149
00:45:52,470 --> 00:45:54,020
Last set, I was
grasping for a punch line,
1150
00:45:54,220 --> 00:45:55,520
and I rhymed
"mittens" with "tittens."
1151
00:45:55,720 --> 00:45:56,900
What's "tittens"?
1152
00:45:57,100 --> 00:45:58,990
Beats the fuck out of
me. But I said it really loud
1153
00:45:59,190 --> 00:46:01,030
and smiley like it was
supposed to be hilarious.
1154
00:46:01,230 --> 00:46:02,860
It was not hilarious.
1155
00:46:03,060 --> 00:46:04,990
Don't sweat it, this is where
you work out your rustiness.
1156
00:46:05,190 --> 00:46:07,580
Go ahead, suck. We'll get
a drink after, compare notes.
1157
00:46:07,780 --> 00:46:09,410
Okay.
1158
00:46:22,530 --> 00:46:24,550
Hey, can I get some ice?
1159
00:46:24,750 --> 00:46:27,180
- For what?
- You want to read my diary, too?
1160
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:47,780
Shit. Is that Gordon Ford?
1161
00:46:47,980 --> 00:46:49,870
- Where?
- There! Follow my hand.
1162
00:46:50,070 --> 00:46:51,200
Yeah, that's him.
1163
00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:52,750
Boy, he's much better
looking in person.
1164
00:46:52,950 --> 00:46:54,620
Fuck. Fuck.
1165
00:46:54,820 --> 00:46:56,710
What do I do? Should I
go tell Midge he's here?
1166
00:46:56,910 --> 00:46:58,710
No. That will fuck
with her head, right?
1167
00:46:58,910 --> 00:47:01,880
Or will it light a
fire under her ass?
1168
00:47:02,080 --> 00:47:05,340
Fuck. I don't know. Protect
her head or her ass?!
1169
00:47:05,540 --> 00:47:07,970
Jesus Christ, I
told her to suck.
1170
00:47:08,170 --> 00:47:10,560
Maybe a little nudge is good.
1171
00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:13,020
Right? Okay, I got
to think like Midge.
1172
00:47:13,220 --> 00:47:15,900
What would she
want? I don't know.
1173
00:47:16,100 --> 00:47:18,440
Shit. Shit. Fuck. Cock.
Why are the lights changing?
1174
00:47:18,640 --> 00:47:20,570
- Am I having a stroke?
- The number's done.
1175
00:47:20,770 --> 00:47:22,530
Oh, it's done. The
universe decided.
1176
00:47:22,730 --> 00:47:25,200
Bring me a Scotch with
a whiskey in it, okay?
1177
00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:27,280
What the fuck are
you standing there for?
1178
00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:29,660
Oh. I just get really
amped up, you know?
1179
00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:37,880
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
1180
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,670
It's nice to be here.
1181
00:47:40,870 --> 00:47:43,130
So...
1182
00:47:43,330 --> 00:47:45,720
I am just really full
1183
00:47:45,920 --> 00:47:48,640
from Thanksgiving still.
1184
00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:50,640
Which is not a joke.
1185
00:47:50,840 --> 00:47:53,120
It's more of a disclaimer.
1186
00:47:54,700 --> 00:47:58,230
My son, he likes these
weird leftover combinations,
1187
00:47:58,430 --> 00:48:00,230
like, like turkey and gravy
1188
00:48:00,430 --> 00:48:02,570
between two pieces of pecan pie.
1189
00:48:02,770 --> 00:48:05,150
It tastes...
1190
00:48:05,350 --> 00:48:07,340
bad.
1191
00:48:10,260 --> 00:48:12,620
Does anyone know if
it's gonna rain tomorrow?
1192
00:48:12,820 --> 00:48:15,250
Don't say tittens,
don't say tittens.
1193
00:48:15,450 --> 00:48:16,960
Wow, that was
a really bad start.
1194
00:48:17,160 --> 00:48:19,290
I think I'm gonna start again.
1195
00:48:19,490 --> 00:48:22,050
Hello, ladies and gentlemen!
1196
00:48:22,240 --> 00:48:23,800
Ignore the woman who
was here a minute ago.
1197
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:25,340
She's gone.
1198
00:48:25,540 --> 00:48:27,630
Like your alibi tonight, sir.
1199
00:48:27,830 --> 00:48:30,260
Your friend fell
asleep at a strip club.
1200
00:48:30,460 --> 00:48:32,430
I'd hate to see what it
takes to keep him awake.
1201
00:48:35,450 --> 00:48:36,980
Hey, you know what
I discovered today?
1202
00:48:37,180 --> 00:48:38,730
You can take your
kids to the airport,
1203
00:48:38,930 --> 00:48:41,520
put them on a plane, and
just fly them somewhere else.
1204
00:48:43,810 --> 00:48:45,070
Technology is amazing.
1205
00:48:45,270 --> 00:48:46,820
It used to be, for that
kind of peace and quiet,
1206
00:48:47,020 --> 00:48:48,610
you had to leave your kids
on the steps of a church.
1207
00:48:49,980 --> 00:48:51,030
And the dangerous thing is not
1208
00:48:51,230 --> 00:48:52,200
that you're sending
your kids off
1209
00:48:52,400 --> 00:48:53,660
with complete
strangers on a vehicle
1210
00:48:53,860 --> 00:48:55,290
that has something
called a cockpit.
1211
00:48:55,490 --> 00:48:57,000
No.
1212
00:48:57,200 --> 00:48:58,920
The really dangerous thing
is that once they're gone,
1213
00:48:59,120 --> 00:49:01,670
you have a chance
to remember what life
1214
00:49:01,870 --> 00:49:03,300
was like without them.
1215
00:49:05,540 --> 00:49:08,130
Right? It all comes
flooding back.
1216
00:49:08,330 --> 00:49:10,340
The clean floor.
1217
00:49:10,540 --> 00:49:13,010
The calm apartment.
1218
00:49:13,210 --> 00:49:14,890
Your goddamned waistline.
1219
00:49:16,670 --> 00:49:18,600
Sex.
1220
00:49:21,510 --> 00:49:24,860
Sex where you make
it all the way to the end.
1221
00:49:25,060 --> 00:49:26,690
Or at least your husband does.
1222
00:49:28,520 --> 00:49:30,360
- Ah. Got you, fucker.
- Sex anywhere!
1223
00:49:30,560 --> 00:49:31,950
In any room, on any appliance.
1224
00:49:32,150 --> 00:49:33,200
Well, almost any appliance.
1225
00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:35,370
I'd steer clear of
the cake mixer.
1226
00:49:35,570 --> 00:49:37,330
No more turning the
volume on the news up
1227
00:49:37,530 --> 00:49:39,160
so when your kid asks
what those loud sounds were,
1228
00:49:39,360 --> 00:49:41,170
you can say "Khrushchev
was banging his shoe again."
1229
00:49:41,370 --> 00:49:44,590
I am going to admit to you
that, as scary as a threat
1230
00:49:44,790 --> 00:49:46,880
of a Soviet takeover is, a
small part of me is thinking,
1231
00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:49,340
"Well, that'll cover blow
job Fridays for a while."
1232
00:49:51,170 --> 00:49:53,430
All right, my time is up.
1233
00:49:53,630 --> 00:49:55,760
I'm wanted in hell.
1234
00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:58,680
Please return your friend
to the upright position.
1235
00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:01,190
You have been a kind
and forgiving audience.
1236
00:50:01,390 --> 00:50:02,810
Don't forget to
tip your waitress.
1237
00:50:03,010 --> 00:50:04,690
She's saving up to send
her kids to Pittsburgh.
1238
00:50:04,890 --> 00:50:06,440
I'm Mrs. Maisel. Thank you
1239
00:50:06,640 --> 00:50:08,150
and good night.
1240
00:50:19,970 --> 00:50:21,540
- Again with the arm.
- Get Midge.
1241
00:50:21,740 --> 00:50:24,040
- I'm working.
- Quick, hurry, go.
1242
00:50:24,240 --> 00:50:26,520
Did you just tip me? Holy shit.
1243
00:50:35,150 --> 00:50:37,260
Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me.
1244
00:50:37,460 --> 00:50:40,100
Excuse me, excuse me.
1245
00:50:40,300 --> 00:50:42,600
Excuse me?
1246
00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:44,190
Mr. Ford?
1247
00:50:44,390 --> 00:50:45,560
Oh, there you are.
1248
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:46,820
I'm, uh, Susie Myerson.
1249
00:50:47,010 --> 00:50:48,190
Of Susie Myerson and Associates.
1250
00:50:48,390 --> 00:50:50,530
Okay. Well, hello,
Susie Myerson.
1251
00:50:50,730 --> 00:50:52,650
How'd you like the show?
1252
00:50:52,850 --> 00:50:54,240
Uh, I didn't see much of it.
1253
00:50:54,440 --> 00:50:56,280
Oh, you saw my comic. I
saw you watching my comic.
1254
00:50:56,480 --> 00:50:57,580
You were watching
me watch the show?
1255
00:50:57,780 --> 00:50:58,660
I didn't even take my top off.
1256
00:50:58,860 --> 00:50:59,830
What'd you think? Honestly.
1257
00:51:00,030 --> 00:51:01,540
- Your girl's funny.
- She is.
1258
00:51:01,740 --> 00:51:04,000
And kind of a looker, hmm? Good
package for TV, don't you think?
1259
00:51:04,200 --> 00:51:05,630
- Well...
- Why don't you
1260
00:51:05,830 --> 00:51:07,590
put her on your show?
I think she'd be a big hit.
1261
00:51:07,790 --> 00:51:08,590
She's not right for my show.
1262
00:51:08,790 --> 00:51:09,670
Why not? Too funny?
1263
00:51:09,870 --> 00:51:11,130
Too downtown.
1264
00:51:11,330 --> 00:51:13,880
I'm playing to the cornfields.
But, yeah, she is good.
1265
00:51:14,080 --> 00:51:15,300
She can do cornfields.
1266
00:51:15,500 --> 00:51:17,510
Sorry. But good luck.
1267
00:51:17,710 --> 00:51:18,720
Okay.
1268
00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:27,060
Put her on your staff.
1269
00:51:27,260 --> 00:51:28,980
- What?
- Your writing staff.
1270
00:51:29,180 --> 00:51:30,860
I know you don't have
any female writers.
1271
00:51:31,060 --> 00:51:33,030
You sell soap. You
know who buys soap?
1272
00:51:33,230 --> 00:51:35,360
- Laundromats?
- She can help you with those jokes.
1273
00:51:35,560 --> 00:51:37,530
How do you know I don't have
any women on my writing staff?
1274
00:51:37,730 --> 00:51:39,580
- Just a hunch.
- Well, my wife has been saying
1275
00:51:39,780 --> 00:51:41,240
that the show could use
a woman's perspective.
1276
00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:42,790
Sounds like your
wife is a smart lady.
1277
00:51:42,990 --> 00:51:44,910
- Smarter than I am.
- Susie.
1278
00:51:45,110 --> 00:51:47,000
Aha, here she is. Miriam Maisel,
1279
00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:48,380
I'd like you to
meet Gordon Ford.
1280
00:51:48,580 --> 00:51:50,090
Gordon Ford, Miriam Maisel.
1281
00:51:50,290 --> 00:51:52,510
Nice to meet you.
You're a very funny lady.
1282
00:51:52,710 --> 00:51:54,590
Well, thank you. I'm
a big fan of your show.
1283
00:51:54,790 --> 00:51:56,260
- And you, by extension.
- Want to come write for me?
1284
00:51:56,460 --> 00:51:57,640
I'm sorry?
1285
00:51:57,840 --> 00:51:59,050
Susie Myerson
and Associates here
1286
00:51:59,250 --> 00:52:01,140
has been talking you up.
Says you could be my woman.
1287
00:52:01,340 --> 00:52:02,430
Writers' room-wise.
1288
00:52:02,630 --> 00:52:04,640
Oh, no. I-I'm not a writer.
1289
00:52:04,840 --> 00:52:05,980
- Sidebar.
- What?
1290
00:52:06,180 --> 00:52:07,690
Sidebar, sidebar, sidebar.
1291
00:52:07,890 --> 00:52:10,110
- What's at the sidebar?
- Do you trust me?
1292
00:52:10,310 --> 00:52:11,650
Yes.
1293
00:52:11,850 --> 00:52:13,360
Take this job.
1294
00:52:13,560 --> 00:52:15,280
- I don't want to be a writer.
- Of course not. No one wants
1295
00:52:15,480 --> 00:52:17,030
to be a writer, but this
job gets you in the building.
1296
00:52:17,230 --> 00:52:19,280
And once you're in the
building, you will get in his face,
1297
00:52:19,480 --> 00:52:21,370
and you will make him fucking
laugh every time you see him.
1298
00:52:21,570 --> 00:52:23,330
And finally he will see
you for what you are,
1299
00:52:23,530 --> 00:52:25,160
a goddamn star.
1300
00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:26,750
This is it.
1301
00:52:26,950 --> 00:52:28,330
This is the break.
1302
00:52:28,530 --> 00:52:30,560
You in?
1303
00:52:34,520 --> 00:52:35,970
I'm in.
1304
00:52:37,670 --> 00:52:39,050
Gordon?
1305
00:52:39,250 --> 00:52:41,280
we accept your offer and
we are super excited about it.
1306
00:52:42,740 --> 00:52:44,100
Okay. We'll start her Monday.
1307
00:52:44,300 --> 00:52:46,240
Mike, make it happen.