1 00:00:04,271 --> 00:00:06,139 Obviously, I don't have to remind you gentlemen 2 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,008 that this meeting never took place. 3 00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:10,210 Of course not, Mayor Blossom. 4 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,947 Has Ethel Muggs been talking much 5 00:00:12,981 --> 00:00:14,749 since she's been with the Sisters? 6 00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:16,316 Not a peep. 7 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:19,988 Sister Woodhouse has imposed a vow of silence. 8 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,523 Very good. 9 00:00:21,556 --> 00:00:23,132 - What about the PTA? - Parents are still upset. 10 00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:24,926 It's all they talk about at our meetings. 11 00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:26,528 Who killed Mr. and Mrs. Muggs? 12 00:00:26,561 --> 00:00:30,030 As long as people remain focused on this murder case, 13 00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:31,398 the more precarious 14 00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:35,369 our grasp of the situation becomes. 15 00:00:35,402 --> 00:00:36,938 What's the Sheriff's office doing? 16 00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:40,975 Tom is trying to find this "milkman" 17 00:00:41,009 --> 00:00:42,042 and the murder weapon. 18 00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:43,611 Why is he doing that? 19 00:00:46,113 --> 00:00:50,217 I have the murder weapon right here. 20 00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:51,619 What are you getting at, Fredreich? 21 00:00:51,653 --> 00:00:53,320 We have to stop rehashing 22 00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:56,056 the Muggs murder case and start making sure 23 00:00:56,089 --> 00:00:58,960 that something like it never happens again. 24 00:00:58,993 --> 00:01:02,329 In my extensive research, in case after case, 25 00:01:02,362 --> 00:01:07,267 comic books are the influencing factor in most incidents 26 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:11,039 of juvenile delinquency and teen violence. 27 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:14,441 They are a moral scourge, gentlemen. 28 00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:17,612 And their creators, criminal degenerates. 29 00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:20,848 That's what the PTA should be talking about. 30 00:01:20,882 --> 00:01:21,882 Comic books. 31 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,886 Not the Muggs. 32 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:30,290 And I believe I know exactly how to make that happen. 33 00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:39,033 Well, look who strolls in whenever his heart desires. 34 00:01:39,067 --> 00:01:40,034 What do you want, kid? 35 00:01:40,068 --> 00:01:41,335 I was just in the neighborhood. 36 00:01:42,070 --> 00:01:43,136 Where is everyone? 37 00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:44,447 They're all out with a stomach bug. 38 00:01:44,471 --> 00:01:46,111 Now I'm under more water than the Titanic. 39 00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:47,274 Can I help? 40 00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:49,077 I need a full issue... 41 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,177 I can do that. 42 00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:51,478 Written by tomorrow morning. 43 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:53,023 Yeah, that's no problem, Mr. Fieldstone. 44 00:01:53,047 --> 00:01:54,448 I'm fast. I'm a great speller. 45 00:01:54,481 --> 00:01:56,818 Four stories. Seven pages each. 46 00:01:56,851 --> 00:01:58,086 Zero margin for error. 47 00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,186 I'll write 'em on spec. 48 00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:00,922 If you like them, then great. 49 00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:03,625 And if not, there's plenty more where that came from. 50 00:02:03,658 --> 00:02:05,292 Right. 51 00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:08,096 If you have trouble coming up with some ideas, 52 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,998 take these springboards. 53 00:02:10,031 --> 00:02:11,331 Talk them through with Bernie. 54 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:13,467 I will. Won't let you down. 55 00:02:14,035 --> 00:02:15,268 Bernie. 56 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:21,408 Gosh, Bernie, all these stories have been done to death. 57 00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:24,078 Aren't there any original ideas anymore? 58 00:02:24,112 --> 00:02:25,479 Says the teenager? 59 00:02:26,781 --> 00:02:29,517 Bernie, you're a genius. 60 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:33,286 What about stories about teenagers and high school? 61 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,690 Pep Comics doesn't have any of those, right? 62 00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:36,557 Uh... 63 00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:37,992 Al says he doesn't relate to them. 64 00:02:38,026 --> 00:02:40,293 But teenagers do buy our books. 65 00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,530 Well, shucks, me and my friends do. 66 00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:44,599 What about a narrator 67 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:49,704 that's actually a witchy lunch lady, or a creepy janitor? 68 00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:52,974 We can call it "Homeroom of Horrors." 69 00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:54,174 Huh? 70 00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:55,777 You think Mr. Fieldstone will bite? 71 00:02:55,810 --> 00:02:56,810 Sure. 72 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,546 Give it a whirl. 73 00:03:06,154 --> 00:03:07,855 There's my little tortured genius. 74 00:03:07,889 --> 00:03:09,657 - Think you could take a break 75 00:03:09,691 --> 00:03:11,659 from writing the next great American novel 76 00:03:11,693 --> 00:03:14,829 and take this glamour gal to go see a fun flick? 77 00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:17,440 Diabolique is playing at the Babylonium, 78 00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:20,168 and I know you don't mind subtitles. 79 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,136 Ooh. Could we go tomorrow, maybe? 80 00:03:22,170 --> 00:03:23,470 I'm on deadline. 81 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:26,174 Al's asked me to write an entire issue by morning. 82 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,442 An entire issue? 83 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,978 Sounds like a bit of a coup for you. 84 00:03:31,012 --> 00:03:32,212 Yeah, it is. 85 00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:33,614 But it's also a lot of pressure. 86 00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:35,726 Though, if I do a bang up job on these pages tonight, 87 00:03:35,750 --> 00:03:37,952 Fieldstone could ask me to be one of his go-to's. 88 00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,054 Okay. Okay. 89 00:03:40,088 --> 00:03:42,623 My French thriller about murderous schoolteachers can wait. 90 00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:46,027 But since I'm here, maybe I can help you. 91 00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:47,128 How far have you gotten? 92 00:03:47,161 --> 00:03:49,097 I'm almost done with my first story. 93 00:03:49,130 --> 00:03:51,199 I'm all ears. What's it about? 94 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,332 Sports-themed. 95 00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:54,102 Because what's scarier than gym class? 96 00:03:54,135 --> 00:03:55,335 And it has a narrator, 97 00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,105 like all of my yell yarns will, 98 00:03:57,138 --> 00:03:59,974 um, called the Key-Keeper. 99 00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:03,077 - I had one of the artists at Pep Comics do a mockup. 100 00:04:03,111 --> 00:04:04,244 It's pretty nifty, right? 101 00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:06,681 The niftiest. Looks like a real charmer. 102 00:04:09,050 --> 00:04:14,354 Well, well, well, if it isn't another problem child. 103 00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:17,158 You're looking for a little mischief and mayhem, 104 00:04:17,191 --> 00:04:18,325 aren't you? 105 00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:21,195 Well, maybe I can be of some assistance. 106 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,900 I'm the Key-Keeper, you see? 107 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:30,437 The midnight custodian of this schoolhouse of horrors. 108 00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:33,306 Come along and let's wake the dead 109 00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,243 with a real spine twister, shall we? 110 00:04:39,247 --> 00:04:40,982 I call this sordid little tale... 111 00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:46,721 Every team has one, 112 00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,723 the runt, the klutz, the pip-squeak. 113 00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,323 On the Bulldogs basketball team, 114 00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:52,794 that half pint was 115 00:04:52,827 --> 00:04:54,829 Dilton Doiley, 116 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:58,866 who was short, near-sighted and uncoordinated. 117 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:04,071 At the end of one particularly grueling practice, 118 00:05:04,105 --> 00:05:07,909 Coach Kleats had the team line up for free throws. 119 00:05:07,942 --> 00:05:11,946 No one could leave until everyone had made a basket. 120 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:16,217 But Dilton couldn't make a shot to save his life. 121 00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:18,286 Come on, Doiley. 122 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,320 Get your head in the game. 123 00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:28,696 Maybe you need a little motivation. 124 00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:34,001 Coach Kleats had the other players 125 00:05:34,035 --> 00:05:39,240 start running laps until Dilton sunk one lousy bucket. 126 00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:40,842 You're a dead man, Doiley. 127 00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:43,277 Poor Dilton. 128 00:05:43,311 --> 00:05:48,916 He would soon learn the true meaning of the term "foul play." 129 00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:52,820 The hell is wrong with you, Doiley? 130 00:05:54,155 --> 00:05:55,455 I'm sorry, fellas. 131 00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:58,226 I... I'm trying my best. 132 00:05:58,259 --> 00:05:59,594 Why are you even here 133 00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:02,462 if you can't make one stinking basket? 134 00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:04,497 I just wanted to be part of a team. 135 00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:06,466 Then be the damn water boy. 136 00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:10,938 It's like what Coach Kleats said... 137 00:06:10,972 --> 00:06:12,974 "You've got to get your head in the game." 138 00:06:14,075 --> 00:06:16,310 How... how do I do that? 139 00:06:16,344 --> 00:06:18,112 Maybe a night stuffed in a locker 140 00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:19,223 will help you figure it out. 141 00:06:19,247 --> 00:06:21,215 What? No. Guys, guys, guys. 142 00:06:21,249 --> 00:06:23,284 Please, please, don't do that. 143 00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:24,451 No. Please! Please! 144 00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:25,418 You don't understand. 145 00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:27,255 Stop! I can't. 146 00:06:27,288 --> 00:06:29,600 - Hey, guys, maybe this isn't such a good idea. - -Don't leave me here! 147 00:06:29,624 --> 00:06:32,392 - Stuff it, Andrews. I can't be here alone. 148 00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:34,262 - Please. I can't. - Doiley's got to learn. 149 00:06:34,295 --> 00:06:36,496 He's gonna start pulling his weight. 150 00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:41,002 Or we're gonna murder him. 151 00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,106 No! Don't go! 152 00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:46,574 Please! Please! Don't go! 153 00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:49,277 Don't leave me here! I can't do this. No! 154 00:06:49,310 --> 00:06:50,778 No! Please! 155 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:54,115 What these merciless jocks didn't know 156 00:06:54,148 --> 00:07:01,589 was that Dilton Doiley was born morbidly claustrophobic. 157 00:07:10,298 --> 00:07:14,402 So, by the time the day shift found and released Dilton 158 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,204 the next morning... 159 00:07:17,238 --> 00:07:22,442 Dilton had suffered a complete psychotic break. 160 00:07:24,312 --> 00:07:27,248 He was a changed man. 161 00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,884 A madman, you might say. 162 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:34,221 Hell-bent on revenge against the Bulldogs. 163 00:07:37,792 --> 00:07:39,994 Then it was just a matter of lying in wait 164 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:43,496 for his teammates to reconvene for basketball practice 165 00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,900 later that afternoon. 166 00:07:47,068 --> 00:07:50,171 Luckily, Dilton had the perfect hidey-hole 167 00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:53,841 from which to pop out and surprise his teammates. 168 00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,511 After which Dilton could dedicate himself 169 00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:01,382 to perfecting his free throw technique. 170 00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:03,050 Gotta keep my head in the game. 171 00:08:04,385 --> 00:08:05,653 Gotta keep my head in the game. 172 00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,221 Attaboy, Doiley! 173 00:08:28,376 --> 00:08:30,711 Help! 174 00:08:30,745 --> 00:08:33,481 Gotta keep my head in the game. 175 00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:35,616 Gotta keep my head in the game. 176 00:08:36,484 --> 00:08:38,753 Gotta keep my head in the game. 177 00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,755 Gotta keep my head in the game. 178 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,390 Gotta keep my head in the game. 179 00:08:49,230 --> 00:08:50,498 Good for Dilton. 180 00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:52,466 Those awful bullies got what was coming to them. 181 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:53,667 Exactly. 182 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,379 And you see, that's what nitwits like Werthers 183 00:08:55,403 --> 00:08:56,971 just don't understand. 184 00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:58,172 What, exactly? 185 00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,783 Well, that these so-called "degenerate" comics 186 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:02,476 are actually bite-sized morality tales. 187 00:09:02,511 --> 00:09:03,711 Especially those that involve 188 00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:05,846 Julian Blossom getting his head chopped off. 189 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,848 I mean, you joke, but it's true. 190 00:09:07,882 --> 00:09:10,484 Yes, comics can be over the top and bloody sometimes, 191 00:09:10,519 --> 00:09:13,654 but in these stories, people that break the rules get punished. 192 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,689 People who are cruel to others get punished. 193 00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:18,092 People who have lustful sex get punished. 194 00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:20,394 Lustful sex, did you say? 195 00:09:20,428 --> 00:09:22,463 Tell me more about that, Juggiekins. 196 00:09:22,496 --> 00:09:24,398 I've got a tale for you. 197 00:09:24,432 --> 00:09:26,000 And it starts, believe it or not, 198 00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,402 on a dark and stormy night... 199 00:09:28,436 --> 00:09:32,773 With a flat tire near an isolated mansion. 200 00:09:32,807 --> 00:09:36,677 And a young, strapping man in need of assistance. 201 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,183 Yes? 202 00:09:42,216 --> 00:09:43,217 May I help you? 203 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,895 I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, ma'am, 204 00:09:44,919 --> 00:09:48,456 but my hot rod got a flat tire down the road. 205 00:09:48,489 --> 00:09:50,257 Must've ran over a nail or something. 206 00:09:50,291 --> 00:09:51,560 Oh, how dreadful. 207 00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:55,162 And now here you are, stranded, you poor dear. 208 00:09:55,196 --> 00:09:56,764 Why don't you come inside? 209 00:09:56,797 --> 00:10:00,234 You can use our telephone to call the garage. 210 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:04,305 At this hour? Oh, they'll be closed, ma'am. 211 00:10:04,338 --> 00:10:07,608 Would it be too much trouble if I stayed the night? 212 00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:09,844 That way, in the morning, I can call the garage 213 00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,345 and I'll be out of your hair. 214 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,248 I suppose. But... 215 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,151 I'm afraid the storm has knocked out our power. 216 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:19,386 But you can warm yourself by the fire. 217 00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:21,188 Well, come in. 218 00:10:21,222 --> 00:10:22,323 Come in. 219 00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:23,657 Oh, you look a fright. 220 00:10:26,528 --> 00:10:30,931 They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, 221 00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:34,168 but I only need two for this one. 222 00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:36,036 Hubba-hubba. 223 00:10:41,342 --> 00:10:42,544 Thank you for the tea, ma'am. 224 00:10:42,577 --> 00:10:46,480 It's... I already feel better. 225 00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:50,384 There's not much in this world that a strong cup of tea 226 00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:52,453 and a roaring fire can't fix. 227 00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:56,558 And you're welcome to stay in my guest room tonight. 228 00:10:56,591 --> 00:10:58,259 Oh, thank you, ma'am. 229 00:10:58,292 --> 00:10:59,561 That's very kind of you. 230 00:10:59,594 --> 00:11:04,798 However, there are one or two ground rules you must observe. 231 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,433 Of course. 232 00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:07,701 Of course. Anything. 233 00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:11,839 Once you're in your room, you must stay there. 234 00:11:12,206 --> 00:11:13,642 All night. 235 00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:17,211 And you must lock the door, and keep it locked 236 00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,581 for the entire night. 237 00:11:19,614 --> 00:11:22,883 Any particular reason why? 238 00:11:22,917 --> 00:11:24,586 Alas, yes. 239 00:11:24,619 --> 00:11:27,421 I am not alone in this house. 240 00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,558 My granddaughter lives with me, 241 00:11:29,591 --> 00:11:33,727 and she's not quite in her right mind. 242 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:36,897 She has this compulsive craving 243 00:11:36,931 --> 00:11:38,933 for intimate, physical, 244 00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:44,872 some might even say inappropriate touching. 245 00:11:45,507 --> 00:11:46,608 Really? 246 00:11:46,641 --> 00:11:49,710 Oh, yes. She's ravenous for it. 247 00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:52,880 Can't keep her hands to herself. 248 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,485 Wow. That's... 249 00:11:59,554 --> 00:12:01,722 I mean, that sounds... Wow. 250 00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:05,326 She's even been known to sneak into the bedrooms 251 00:12:05,359 --> 00:12:08,896 of strange young men in the middle of the night 252 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:12,900 in order to get her "fix," as it were. 253 00:12:18,540 --> 00:12:23,911 Is... that your granddaughter? 254 00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,648 Yes, it is. 255 00:12:26,681 --> 00:12:28,449 She's beautiful, isn't she? 256 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,785 Well, it's getting late. 257 00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:34,488 Let's get you settled, shall we? 258 00:12:40,361 --> 00:12:43,163 Surely some rules were meant to be broken, 259 00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:45,700 especially when the consequences might prove 260 00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:49,903 to be downright titillating. 261 00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,191 You're here. 262 00:13:12,126 --> 00:13:14,596 You came. 263 00:13:14,629 --> 00:13:16,830 Are you the old lady's granddaughter? 264 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,932 Yes. I'm Cheryl. 265 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,368 I'm so glad you're here. 266 00:13:21,402 --> 00:13:26,807 It's been so long since I've gotten to touch... like this. 267 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:30,612 I... sure am happy to be here, too. 268 00:13:30,645 --> 00:13:31,546 Let me just light a candle. 269 00:13:31,579 --> 00:13:33,213 - No! No! - Whoa. 270 00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:34,248 No. 271 00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,083 What we're about to do is best... 272 00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:38,152 It's best done in darkness. 273 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:39,788 Now kiss me. 274 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:43,957 And let me... feel you. 275 00:13:47,161 --> 00:13:52,032 Avert your eyes, pervert, and turn the page, 276 00:13:52,066 --> 00:13:55,969 to a bright new day. 277 00:14:02,376 --> 00:14:04,945 How was your night, young man? 278 00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:07,481 Did you sleep well? 279 00:14:07,515 --> 00:14:12,186 It was... incredible. 280 00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:14,622 Thank you again for the hospitality, ma'am. 281 00:14:14,656 --> 00:14:17,692 I, uh... I saw your granddaughter, 282 00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:20,160 I think, by the window. 283 00:14:21,596 --> 00:14:22,731 So what's wrong with her? 284 00:14:22,764 --> 00:14:24,131 Some kind of mental illness? 285 00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:26,768 Oh, Cheryl was once youthful and vibrant, 286 00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:29,403 like any young girl her age. 287 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,372 But she wanted adventure. 288 00:14:31,405 --> 00:14:33,775 And I couldn't help but indulge her. 289 00:14:33,808 --> 00:14:38,078 She took a trip to some tropical jungle 290 00:14:38,112 --> 00:14:39,413 in some far-off place, 291 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:42,851 and unfortunately, while she was there, 292 00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:46,887 she contracted a rare form of leprosy. 293 00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:51,392 Leprosy? 294 00:14:51,425 --> 00:14:55,262 Horrible, terrible, disfiguring disease. 295 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,898 Rotting her swollen flesh away, 296 00:14:57,931 --> 00:15:00,367 and incredibly painful. 297 00:15:01,736 --> 00:15:03,270 Now she can't be around other people 298 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:06,306 because it's so very contagious, you know. 299 00:15:08,643 --> 00:15:11,345 But, I mean, you don't... 300 00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:15,349 Oh, no, I was exposed as a child, 301 00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,785 and so I'm immune. 302 00:15:16,818 --> 00:15:18,720 I don't suppose you... 303 00:15:18,753 --> 00:15:20,655 Am immune? No. 304 00:15:20,688 --> 00:15:24,692 Mercifully, she'll soon succumb to the leprosy and die, 305 00:15:24,726 --> 00:15:26,093 which is why 306 00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:27,629 I do everything in my power 307 00:15:27,662 --> 00:15:33,902 to ensure that she relishes her final days on Earth. 308 00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,837 What do you mean? 309 00:15:35,870 --> 00:15:37,304 What do you mean by that? 310 00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:40,675 It was no accident that brought you here, young man. 311 00:15:40,708 --> 00:15:45,078 How do you think those nails got onto that road? 312 00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:49,082 I did warn you. 313 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:53,655 I gave you a chance to lock that door and be a good boy. 314 00:15:53,688 --> 00:15:57,491 And now you're almost certainly infected as well. 315 00:15:57,525 --> 00:15:58,860 After last night, 316 00:15:58,893 --> 00:16:02,697 we're going to be together forever, and ever 317 00:16:02,730 --> 00:16:04,031 till death do us part. 318 00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,008 Well, that was grotesque. 319 00:16:15,844 --> 00:16:17,277 What was the moral there? 320 00:16:17,311 --> 00:16:18,813 Don't trust creepy old ladies 321 00:16:18,847 --> 00:16:22,817 and their nymphomaniac, leprosy-ridden granddaughters? 322 00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:27,655 Well, it's more of a "curiosity killed the cat" message, I think. 323 00:16:27,689 --> 00:16:29,122 Ah. 324 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:31,167 Or don't engage in heavy petting in the dark with someone, 325 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,260 if you haven't got proper protection. 326 00:16:34,495 --> 00:16:38,633 You know, I'm hearing that Archie and Cheryl broke up, 327 00:16:38,666 --> 00:16:42,069 and that in the end, they didn't do much more than neck... 328 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:43,872 Oh, yeah? Well... 329 00:16:43,905 --> 00:16:47,809 Who can keep up with all the horny teens at Riverdale High? 330 00:16:47,842 --> 00:16:51,011 I mean, what else is there to do? 331 00:16:51,913 --> 00:16:55,015 That's why God created high school. 332 00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,919 So there'd be a place where boys could... 333 00:16:57,952 --> 00:17:00,755 chase girls and vice versa. 334 00:17:02,256 --> 00:17:03,390 Yeah. 335 00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:04,959 I mean... 336 00:17:04,993 --> 00:17:06,594 girls will do just about anything 337 00:17:06,628 --> 00:17:07,862 to get a boy's attention. 338 00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:11,365 Including feigning an interest in comic books, apparently. 339 00:17:17,872 --> 00:17:19,072 Every school has one. 340 00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:21,141 The plain Jane with the ponytail mane, 341 00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:23,477 the sweater-set waiting for better yet 342 00:17:23,511 --> 00:17:26,915 who none of the boys seemed to sick their sights on. 343 00:17:26,948 --> 00:17:31,586 Bland Betty was little more than an invisible girl. 344 00:17:31,619 --> 00:17:33,888 Yes, my foul fiends, 345 00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:39,293 Betty's prospects of landing a date were very grave indeed. 346 00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:43,330 So she followed the advice of her favorite beauty mags. 347 00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:46,834 And now, how can I help you, hun? 348 00:17:46,868 --> 00:17:49,604 I would like a new look, please. 349 00:17:49,637 --> 00:17:52,339 Oh, what's giving you the gringles, 350 00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:53,708 doll face? 351 00:17:53,741 --> 00:17:56,143 I just feel so... 352 00:17:56,911 --> 00:17:58,478 unseen. 353 00:17:58,513 --> 00:18:00,949 All the girls at my school have beaus, 354 00:18:00,982 --> 00:18:04,251 and it's just like I'm a, uh... 355 00:18:04,652 --> 00:18:06,020 ghost. 356 00:18:06,054 --> 00:18:07,522 I need something... 357 00:18:08,556 --> 00:18:09,757 else, something new. 358 00:18:09,791 --> 00:18:11,993 Something amazing that will get all the boys' attention. 359 00:18:12,026 --> 00:18:13,628 Well, I've got to tell you, 360 00:18:13,661 --> 00:18:16,064 this ponytail is doing you no favors. 361 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,331 But, but, but, 362 00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:20,300 I just came back from my fabulous honeymoon abroad. 363 00:18:20,334 --> 00:18:23,905 And there's this new hairstyle that is all the rage in Europe. 364 00:18:23,938 --> 00:18:24,973 Really? What is it? 365 00:18:25,006 --> 00:18:28,442 It's called the Beehive. 366 00:18:28,475 --> 00:18:29,544 "Beehive." 367 00:18:30,678 --> 00:18:32,412 Sounds sophisticated. 368 00:18:32,446 --> 00:18:33,615 Oh, it is. 369 00:18:33,648 --> 00:18:35,593 So we tease up all your hair, put in some extensions, 370 00:18:35,617 --> 00:18:39,219 and then we roll it all up into a dome, just like a hive. 371 00:18:40,722 --> 00:18:42,056 A hive-hive? 372 00:18:42,090 --> 00:18:43,266 I know it sounds a little silly, 373 00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:44,559 but wait till you see it. 374 00:18:44,592 --> 00:18:46,126 All the girls in England and France, 375 00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,260 they just love it. 376 00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:48,997 And the boys, they're crazy about it. 377 00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:51,065 And, on my mother's grave, 378 00:18:51,099 --> 00:18:52,867 may she rest in peace... 379 00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:56,470 you're going to get all the attention you've ever wanted, 380 00:18:56,504 --> 00:18:57,505 and then some. 381 00:18:58,539 --> 00:18:59,907 What the heck? 382 00:18:59,941 --> 00:19:02,510 If it's good enough for the Parisians, it's good enough for me. 383 00:19:02,543 --> 00:19:03,911 Oh, smart girl. 384 00:19:03,945 --> 00:19:05,780 You're going to look so chic. 385 00:19:05,813 --> 00:19:08,116 Now, there's just one thing. 386 00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:10,150 Once we get your goldie locks up into the hive, 387 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:11,919 you're not gonna be able to wash your hair 388 00:19:11,953 --> 00:19:13,487 or undo it, ever. 389 00:19:14,622 --> 00:19:17,357 Oh. Well, how do I maintain it? 390 00:19:17,391 --> 00:19:19,159 With this. Hair spray. 391 00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:22,362 Use throughout the day as needed. 392 00:19:22,396 --> 00:19:25,133 Well, my mom says, I'm supposed to wash my hair 393 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:27,200 every other day or at least once a week. 394 00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,704 With all due respect to your dear mama, 395 00:19:29,737 --> 00:19:30,972 I'm the professional. 396 00:19:31,005 --> 00:19:32,774 And you do want to look beautiful. 397 00:19:32,807 --> 00:19:34,174 Am I right? 398 00:19:36,410 --> 00:19:38,012 The next day, 399 00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:40,081 an all-new Betty showed up at school. 400 00:19:40,114 --> 00:19:44,351 Her coif climbed to such heights it rivaled the Tower of Babel. 401 00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:48,355 And similarly, it got everybody talking. 402 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:51,926 All the boys went goo-goo-ga-ga. 403 00:19:51,959 --> 00:19:53,828 And as for the girls, well, 404 00:19:53,861 --> 00:19:58,265 they were positively gangrene with envy. 405 00:20:13,581 --> 00:20:15,516 Watch where you're spraying, Betty. 406 00:20:15,550 --> 00:20:18,218 You know, that ridiculous hairstyle will never change the fact 407 00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:21,089 that you'll always be a ponytail princess 408 00:20:21,122 --> 00:20:22,623 on the inside. 409 00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:26,060 Betty didn't care 410 00:20:26,094 --> 00:20:27,394 what Cheryl and Veronica thought. 411 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,097 In fact, that was the first time 412 00:20:29,130 --> 00:20:30,631 they'd spoken to her. 413 00:20:30,665 --> 00:20:33,534 And once Betty got that blush of attention, 414 00:20:33,568 --> 00:20:37,839 well, she started needing it, feeding off it. 415 00:20:37,872 --> 00:20:40,240 The more hairspray she put in her hair, 416 00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:43,077 the heavier and more shellacked it became. 417 00:20:43,111 --> 00:20:45,245 And the more the boys noticed her. 418 00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:47,949 Can I carry your books to class, Betty? 419 00:20:47,982 --> 00:20:49,349 Aw, gee, thanks, Julian. 420 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:51,152 Hey, uh, Betty, can I take you out 421 00:20:51,185 --> 00:20:52,452 this Friday night, please? 422 00:20:52,486 --> 00:20:54,188 Aw, Archie... 423 00:20:54,222 --> 00:20:56,758 I'll think about it. 424 00:20:56,791 --> 00:20:59,459 And Betty stayed true to her word. 425 00:20:59,493 --> 00:21:04,031 She didn't wash her hair or undo it, ever. 426 00:21:04,065 --> 00:21:05,900 She even slept in her beehive, 427 00:21:05,933 --> 00:21:09,904 putting more hairspray on before tucking herself in at night. 428 00:21:09,937 --> 00:21:15,042 And that's when the very bad thing happened. 429 00:21:20,047 --> 00:21:23,918 I swear, in all my years, I've never seen a cuter couple. 430 00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:26,854 - She's a cool cookie now, isn't she, Pop? 431 00:21:26,888 --> 00:21:28,122 What do you mean, "now?" 432 00:21:28,156 --> 00:21:30,390 Betty's always been a peach. 433 00:21:32,325 --> 00:21:34,394 You're making me blush, Archie. 434 00:21:34,427 --> 00:21:36,130 Hey, I'm a lucky cat. 435 00:21:36,164 --> 00:21:37,541 I'm going out with the ginchiest girl 436 00:21:37,565 --> 00:21:40,168 with the ginchiest hair at Riverdale High. 437 00:21:41,401 --> 00:21:44,172 Mmm! Best song ever. 438 00:21:44,205 --> 00:21:46,439 - Come on, snake, let's rattle. - Okay. 439 00:21:57,752 --> 00:21:59,452 Betty, is everything all right? 440 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,556 Whoa, Betty. 441 00:22:03,090 --> 00:22:04,225 Something's not... 442 00:22:04,258 --> 00:22:06,194 Betty. Betty! 443 00:22:06,227 --> 00:22:08,896 Betty! 444 00:22:08,930 --> 00:22:10,198 Someone get some help! 445 00:22:10,231 --> 00:22:13,201 Betty's having some kind of fit! 446 00:22:13,234 --> 00:22:15,236 Someone call the hospital! 447 00:22:15,269 --> 00:22:16,871 Oh, God! Betty! 448 00:22:16,904 --> 00:22:20,274 No one could guess how a young girl like Betty, 449 00:22:20,308 --> 00:22:24,111 so full of life, would just drop dead. 450 00:22:24,145 --> 00:22:29,482 Then again, maybe the town's coroner will have the answers. 451 00:22:29,517 --> 00:22:33,254 So young, so beautiful, 452 00:22:33,287 --> 00:22:36,423 and what a fascinating hairstyle. 453 00:22:37,291 --> 00:22:38,491 Hmm. 454 00:22:52,740 --> 00:22:53,774 Oh, my. 455 00:22:56,277 --> 00:22:57,979 What have we here? 456 00:22:58,012 --> 00:22:59,213 No. 457 00:22:59,247 --> 00:23:00,514 No! 458 00:23:01,448 --> 00:23:02,884 Please, no! 459 00:23:02,917 --> 00:23:05,452 No, anything but spiders! 460 00:23:05,485 --> 00:23:07,288 Turns out, Betty's hair 461 00:23:07,321 --> 00:23:10,157 attracted more than just boys. 462 00:23:10,191 --> 00:23:12,727 A black widow spider had crawled 463 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:14,262 into her tresses that night 464 00:23:14,295 --> 00:23:17,464 and laid a batch of eggs in that ginchy hive of hers. 465 00:23:17,497 --> 00:23:20,768 And when those itsy-bitsy spiders hatched, 466 00:23:20,801 --> 00:23:22,503 they chewed into her brain, 467 00:23:22,536 --> 00:23:26,240 which is what triggered Betty's deadly diner bug-out. 468 00:23:26,274 --> 00:23:27,642 Poor, sweet Betty. 469 00:23:27,675 --> 00:23:30,544 She had to learn her lessons the hard way. 470 00:23:30,578 --> 00:23:35,415 Beauty is only skin deep, and vanity kills. 471 00:23:40,888 --> 00:23:45,693 "Beauty is only skin deep?" "Vanity kills?" 472 00:23:46,527 --> 00:23:49,196 Are these actually different lessons 473 00:23:49,230 --> 00:23:51,599 or variations on a theme? 474 00:23:51,632 --> 00:23:54,535 And what's wrong with wanting to look good? 475 00:23:54,568 --> 00:23:56,237 Boys do the same thing. 476 00:23:56,270 --> 00:23:59,407 They toss weights around, to turn themselves into he-men. 477 00:23:59,439 --> 00:24:02,743 - Uh... - At any rate, by my count, 478 00:24:02,777 --> 00:24:04,444 you're down to your last story 479 00:24:04,477 --> 00:24:06,981 and I still haven't had a starring role in one. 480 00:24:08,382 --> 00:24:10,384 Well, say, that's a notion. 481 00:24:10,418 --> 00:24:13,421 Something romantic would be nice. 482 00:24:13,486 --> 00:24:17,224 Or something that focuses on female friendship. 483 00:24:17,258 --> 00:24:18,659 Yeah, what if we did a flip 484 00:24:18,693 --> 00:24:21,461 of the classic teenage love triangle? 485 00:24:21,494 --> 00:24:22,763 One in which the girls 486 00:24:22,797 --> 00:24:25,498 don't go at each other's throats and cat-fight. 487 00:24:25,533 --> 00:24:27,802 Now, you're singing my tune. 488 00:24:29,737 --> 00:24:34,008 Presenting my fourth and final story of the evening. 489 00:24:34,041 --> 00:24:37,812 A terror tale I'm calling "My Better Half." 490 00:24:40,214 --> 00:24:41,682 Archie's a good egg. 491 00:24:41,716 --> 00:24:46,387 But a half-wit when it comes to decision-making. 492 00:24:46,420 --> 00:24:48,456 He struggles with the most basic 493 00:24:48,488 --> 00:24:50,458 of all multiple-choice questions. 494 00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:54,462 Should he go for A, "The girl next door?" 495 00:24:54,494 --> 00:24:58,399 Or B, "The rich starlet-socialite?" 496 00:24:58,432 --> 00:25:01,702 But in a rare stroke of mad genius, 497 00:25:01,736 --> 00:25:05,406 Archie chose C, "Both of the above." 498 00:25:05,439 --> 00:25:07,675 So, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, 499 00:25:07,708 --> 00:25:09,176 Archie takes Betty out. 500 00:25:09,210 --> 00:25:11,579 And on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, 501 00:25:11,612 --> 00:25:13,681 he takes out Veronica. 502 00:25:13,714 --> 00:25:16,517 The one downside to this break-neck schedule 503 00:25:16,550 --> 00:25:18,552 was that Archie would, on occasion, 504 00:25:18,586 --> 00:25:21,722 collapse from sheer exhaustion. 505 00:25:21,756 --> 00:25:24,358 But it was nothing that couldn't be rectified 506 00:25:24,392 --> 00:25:26,160 with a strong cup of coffee. 507 00:25:26,193 --> 00:25:27,928 Or four. 508 00:25:27,962 --> 00:25:30,031 But even for a strapping young buck, 509 00:25:30,064 --> 00:25:33,200 six dates a week will wear a fella out. 510 00:25:33,234 --> 00:25:35,803 That's why Archie saved Sundays for himself. 511 00:25:35,836 --> 00:25:39,974 To rest, recover, and replenish for the week ahead. 512 00:25:43,411 --> 00:25:44,979 Now, you might think Archie 513 00:25:45,012 --> 00:25:47,281 would try to keep his relationships a secret. 514 00:25:47,314 --> 00:25:48,749 But he didn't. 515 00:25:48,783 --> 00:25:51,185 Betty and Veronica knew he was dating the other. 516 00:25:51,218 --> 00:25:56,957 Still, each girl wanted Archie all to herself. 517 00:25:56,991 --> 00:25:58,392 They're playing Double Indemnity 518 00:25:58,426 --> 00:26:00,161 at the Babylonium tomorrow night, 519 00:26:00,194 --> 00:26:02,696 if you want to play a little back row bingo. 520 00:26:02,730 --> 00:26:05,534 Oh, I wish I could swing it, but I got plans. 521 00:26:05,566 --> 00:26:08,135 Meaning you've got a date with Veronica. 522 00:26:08,169 --> 00:26:11,372 When are you going to drop that vapid airhead? 523 00:26:11,405 --> 00:26:13,374 Oh, please. Don't get razzled. 524 00:26:13,407 --> 00:26:14,909 Why shouldn't I? 525 00:26:14,942 --> 00:26:19,313 Having to share my beau with that smelly tomboy. 526 00:26:19,346 --> 00:26:20,549 Don't I make you happy? 527 00:26:20,581 --> 00:26:22,216 Of course you do. 528 00:26:22,249 --> 00:26:24,852 Then why aren't I enough? 529 00:26:24,885 --> 00:26:27,888 Oh, come on, it's not like that. 530 00:26:27,922 --> 00:26:30,624 Hey, you guys are both so different. 531 00:26:30,658 --> 00:26:33,094 But let me let you in on a little secret. 532 00:26:36,531 --> 00:26:38,599 You're my favorite. 533 00:26:39,534 --> 00:26:41,302 Really? 534 00:26:41,335 --> 00:26:42,870 Oh, Archie. 535 00:26:46,807 --> 00:26:48,676 How do you do it, Andrews? 536 00:26:48,709 --> 00:26:51,045 Two broads at the same time. What's your secret? 537 00:26:51,078 --> 00:26:54,915 All right, listen, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once, okay? 538 00:26:54,949 --> 00:26:57,051 You tell them what they want to hear. 539 00:26:57,084 --> 00:26:59,753 That yes, I'm seeing other girls, 540 00:26:59,787 --> 00:27:03,324 but I'm only serious about you. 541 00:27:03,357 --> 00:27:07,661 Okay? You feed them the same three simple words. 542 00:27:11,298 --> 00:27:13,167 "You're my favorite." 543 00:27:14,902 --> 00:27:17,638 Technically, that's four words. 544 00:27:17,671 --> 00:27:19,574 "You're" is a contraction. 545 00:27:19,608 --> 00:27:20,774 "You are my favorite." 546 00:27:20,808 --> 00:27:23,978 - Four words. - Shut up, Doiley. 547 00:27:24,011 --> 00:27:26,814 We're learning from Don Juan here. 548 00:27:26,847 --> 00:27:32,153 But don't you ever get... exhausted? 549 00:27:32,554 --> 00:27:34,021 Sure. 550 00:27:34,054 --> 00:27:37,158 But that's why God invented Sundays and coffee. 551 00:27:39,126 --> 00:27:41,563 Things might've kept humming along as is 552 00:27:41,596 --> 00:27:42,930 until graduation day, 553 00:27:42,963 --> 00:27:46,433 but the Good Ship Archie was headed for an iceberg, 554 00:27:46,467 --> 00:27:47,935 Valentine's Day, 555 00:27:47,968 --> 00:27:51,672 which, this year, disastrously, landed on a Sunday. 556 00:27:51,705 --> 00:27:53,007 So, Veronica, who's the lucky guy 557 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,176 taking you out for Valentine's Day? 558 00:27:55,209 --> 00:27:58,379 - Archiekins, of course. - Keep dreaming. 559 00:27:58,412 --> 00:27:59,614 Archie is my date. 560 00:27:59,648 --> 00:28:01,516 You know, Betty, for a smart girl, 561 00:28:01,550 --> 00:28:03,050 you really are dense. 562 00:28:03,083 --> 00:28:06,621 Archie is going to spend V-Day with his best girl. 563 00:28:06,655 --> 00:28:07,955 And that's me. 564 00:28:07,988 --> 00:28:09,490 - Says you. - Says him. 565 00:28:09,524 --> 00:28:13,562 Archiekins says the only reason he spends so much time with you 566 00:28:13,595 --> 00:28:15,630 is because you're a charity case. 567 00:28:15,664 --> 00:28:19,767 First of all, he hates being called Archiekins. 568 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:21,670 Second of all, the only reason 569 00:28:21,702 --> 00:28:23,638 he spends any time with you at all 570 00:28:23,672 --> 00:28:26,273 is because your ego is so fragile 571 00:28:26,307 --> 00:28:29,611 he's afraid you might do something desperate or crazy 572 00:28:29,644 --> 00:28:30,778 if he breaks up with you. 573 00:28:30,811 --> 00:28:32,581 He said I'm fragile? 574 00:28:32,614 --> 00:28:35,115 Oh, as a Glamerge egg. 575 00:28:35,149 --> 00:28:37,251 Well, he told me you're so high-strung 576 00:28:37,284 --> 00:28:41,055 you sometimes take your mom's sleeping pills to go to bed. 577 00:28:41,088 --> 00:28:43,290 - He told you that? - Mmm-hmm. 578 00:28:43,324 --> 00:28:46,760 Sounds like someone's been playing you two for fools. 579 00:28:50,731 --> 00:28:52,634 That rat-fink! 580 00:28:52,667 --> 00:28:54,401 Archie, you have to choose right now. 581 00:28:54,435 --> 00:28:56,605 Who's going to be your date for Valentine's Day? 582 00:28:56,638 --> 00:28:58,239 And after you pick me, of course, 583 00:28:58,272 --> 00:29:00,241 you need to end things with Betty permanently. 584 00:29:00,274 --> 00:29:03,744 Ladies, ladies, let's all calm down. 585 00:29:03,777 --> 00:29:06,013 In fact... 586 00:29:06,046 --> 00:29:08,449 neither of you can be my date on Valentine's Day. 587 00:29:08,482 --> 00:29:10,017 Why not? 588 00:29:11,620 --> 00:29:13,354 'Cause I'm taking my mom. 589 00:29:14,321 --> 00:29:15,456 You see, it's... 590 00:29:15,489 --> 00:29:18,225 It's her first Valentine's Day without my dad, and... 591 00:29:19,827 --> 00:29:21,929 And, well, she needs me. 592 00:29:22,896 --> 00:29:24,965 I hope you guys can understand. 593 00:29:24,999 --> 00:29:27,669 Archie, of course we understand. 594 00:29:27,702 --> 00:29:29,504 That's so sweet and thoughtful. 595 00:29:29,537 --> 00:29:31,640 I'm sorry we pressured you. 596 00:29:31,673 --> 00:29:33,708 Me, too. It was her idea. 597 00:29:33,742 --> 00:29:35,909 Well, you guys shouldn't have to miss out 598 00:29:35,943 --> 00:29:37,579 on Valentine's Day on account of me. 599 00:29:37,612 --> 00:29:39,690 I mean, there must be some other guys you can go out with. 600 00:29:39,714 --> 00:29:41,616 Yeah, Betty, find somebody else. 601 00:29:41,650 --> 00:29:43,652 No. No, it's really okay. 602 00:29:43,685 --> 00:29:45,085 There's an extra credit report 603 00:29:45,119 --> 00:29:46,820 that I've been putting off, so... 604 00:29:46,854 --> 00:29:48,956 As for me, Mademoiselle just published a recipe 605 00:29:48,989 --> 00:29:51,358 for an egg-white face mask I've been dying to try. 606 00:29:51,392 --> 00:29:53,127 So that'll keep me busy. 607 00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:57,264 Okay, so you're both staying in this Sunday night, then? 608 00:30:06,006 --> 00:30:09,778 But when Sunday night rolled around... 609 00:30:09,810 --> 00:30:13,814 Betty and Veronica decided against staying in, 610 00:30:13,847 --> 00:30:16,584 and went on a Valentine's date, 611 00:30:16,618 --> 00:30:18,285 together. 612 00:30:19,587 --> 00:30:24,258 So, imagine their surprise when who should walk in but... 613 00:30:27,895 --> 00:30:31,465 - He wouldn't. - He couldn't. 614 00:30:31,498 --> 00:30:33,300 That rat-fink! 615 00:30:38,839 --> 00:30:40,007 Wait. 616 00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:42,009 Whatever you're about to do... 617 00:30:43,645 --> 00:30:45,513 I have a much better idea. 618 00:30:53,755 --> 00:30:56,725 Betty. Veronica. 619 00:30:56,758 --> 00:30:58,158 What's going on? 620 00:30:58,192 --> 00:31:00,461 We were wondering how your Valentine's date went 621 00:31:00,494 --> 00:31:01,830 with your mom. 622 00:31:01,862 --> 00:31:04,965 Yeah, it was nice. Quiet. 623 00:31:06,300 --> 00:31:07,401 Why? 624 00:31:07,434 --> 00:31:10,304 Well, because a night-off gave us a chance to reflect, 625 00:31:10,337 --> 00:31:13,040 and since you've been having such a hard time 626 00:31:13,073 --> 00:31:15,710 deciding between the two of us, 627 00:31:15,744 --> 00:31:17,244 we were thinking... 628 00:31:18,613 --> 00:31:20,615 what if you had us both? 629 00:31:23,618 --> 00:31:26,019 At the exact same time, 630 00:31:26,053 --> 00:31:29,289 for a very, very special date? 631 00:31:31,458 --> 00:31:32,694 Really? 632 00:31:32,727 --> 00:31:33,994 Really. 633 00:31:35,797 --> 00:31:37,832 Say no more. 634 00:31:37,866 --> 00:31:38,800 I'll pick you both up tonight, 635 00:31:38,833 --> 00:31:40,076 we'll head over to Lover's Lane. 636 00:31:40,100 --> 00:31:42,837 I know the perfect spot. Nice and private. 637 00:31:42,871 --> 00:31:46,407 Actually, Betty had an interesting idea. 638 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:49,878 I was thinking we could meet in shop class. 639 00:31:49,910 --> 00:31:52,580 After hours, of course. 640 00:31:52,614 --> 00:31:53,782 Why would we go there? 641 00:31:53,815 --> 00:31:55,617 Don't you know? 642 00:31:56,551 --> 00:31:58,152 It's sound-proof. 643 00:31:58,185 --> 00:32:03,490 And we plan on making a lot of noise. 644 00:32:09,864 --> 00:32:12,966 Come, Archie. Join us. 645 00:32:17,572 --> 00:32:18,840 Wait. 646 00:32:18,873 --> 00:32:20,675 You're forgetting something. 647 00:32:22,710 --> 00:32:24,445 Your coffee. 648 00:32:24,478 --> 00:32:26,748 We took the liberty of brewing it 649 00:32:26,781 --> 00:32:28,282 extra strong for you tonight. 650 00:32:28,315 --> 00:32:31,786 Oh, guys, I really don't think I'm gonna need a boost tonight. 651 00:32:31,820 --> 00:32:34,455 Now, now, no need to posture. 652 00:32:34,488 --> 00:32:37,926 You'll want all your energy for what we have planned. 653 00:32:37,958 --> 00:32:38,860 Promise. 654 00:32:38,893 --> 00:32:41,462 Cross our hearts and hope to die. 655 00:32:47,635 --> 00:32:48,703 Mmm. 656 00:32:55,375 --> 00:32:58,212 Everything all right, Archiekins? 657 00:32:58,245 --> 00:33:00,515 Yeah, no, I'm good. I just... 658 00:33:13,260 --> 00:33:15,496 Someone's waking up, Vee. 659 00:33:15,530 --> 00:33:17,899 I think you're right, Bee. 660 00:33:17,932 --> 00:33:20,067 Welcome back, handsome. 661 00:33:22,069 --> 00:33:23,103 What's happening? 662 00:33:23,136 --> 00:33:24,371 Apologies if you're 663 00:33:24,404 --> 00:33:26,073 experiencing a splitting headache. 664 00:33:26,106 --> 00:33:27,918 I wasn't sure how many of my mom's sleeping pills 665 00:33:27,942 --> 00:33:29,376 to slip into your coffee. 666 00:33:29,409 --> 00:33:32,212 Whatever it is, I'm sure we can figure it out. 667 00:33:32,246 --> 00:33:34,414 But it's already been figured out, silly. 668 00:33:34,448 --> 00:33:36,985 Trust us. This is a perfect solution. 669 00:33:37,017 --> 00:33:40,153 After all, a problem shared is a problem solved. 670 00:33:40,187 --> 00:33:43,023 - Shall we, Vee? - After you, Bee. 671 00:33:43,056 --> 00:33:45,092 Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait! 672 00:33:45,125 --> 00:33:48,061 Wait, hold on! Hold on! 673 00:33:52,901 --> 00:33:56,004 Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! 674 00:33:56,036 --> 00:33:59,139 This won't hurt... much. 675 00:33:59,172 --> 00:34:01,676 We just want to double our fun. 676 00:34:14,421 --> 00:34:16,223 Here, for the first time, 677 00:34:16,256 --> 00:34:19,393 Betty and Veronica are with their beloved Archie 678 00:34:19,426 --> 00:34:22,429 on the same night at the same time, 679 00:34:22,462 --> 00:34:26,034 secure in the knowledge that they'll never have to 680 00:34:26,066 --> 00:34:28,368 share him again. 681 00:34:28,402 --> 00:34:32,205 Didn't I tell you he was a half-wit? 682 00:34:39,581 --> 00:34:40,715 Well? 683 00:34:40,748 --> 00:34:43,317 What did you think of that tag-team twist at the end? 684 00:34:43,350 --> 00:34:46,854 O. Henry, eat your heart out, am I right? 685 00:34:46,888 --> 00:34:50,592 I have... opinions. 686 00:34:50,625 --> 00:34:52,092 Okey-dokey. 687 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:57,197 I'm detecting a pattern, Jughead. 688 00:34:57,230 --> 00:35:00,367 The sexual politics in most of your stories 689 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:04,005 are troubling, to say the least. 690 00:35:04,038 --> 00:35:06,774 Veronica, my gosh, 691 00:35:07,441 --> 00:35:10,377 you may be overthinking this. 692 00:35:10,410 --> 00:35:12,714 These stories are just meant to be a gas. 693 00:35:12,747 --> 00:35:13,881 For whom? 694 00:35:13,915 --> 00:35:17,117 Not teen girls, not when you're depicting them like... 695 00:35:18,086 --> 00:35:20,888 shallow, crazy killers. 696 00:35:20,922 --> 00:35:22,389 Is that what you think of us? 697 00:35:23,024 --> 00:35:25,026 No. Of course not. 698 00:35:25,059 --> 00:35:27,227 The boys aren't great shakes, either. 699 00:35:27,260 --> 00:35:29,496 So you admit you're demonizing women? 700 00:35:29,530 --> 00:35:33,200 Veronica, it's just a comic book. 701 00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:43,645 Anyhoo, I'm done now. 702 00:35:43,678 --> 00:35:45,980 Why don't we try to catch that last showing of Diabolique 703 00:35:46,014 --> 00:35:47,180 at the Babylonium? 704 00:35:47,214 --> 00:35:48,783 What do you say? My treat. 705 00:35:48,816 --> 00:35:54,122 I think I'll take a page from your last story 706 00:35:54,154 --> 00:35:55,790 and split. 707 00:35:57,692 --> 00:36:00,928 What's going on? Are we not copacetic anymore? 708 00:36:00,962 --> 00:36:02,096 Of course we are. 709 00:36:02,130 --> 00:36:04,632 I'm just tired, is all. 710 00:36:04,666 --> 00:36:07,200 I'll catch you at school tomorrow, promise. 711 00:36:08,235 --> 00:36:10,571 And as easy as that, 712 00:36:10,605 --> 00:36:16,410 whatever bubble Veronica and I had been in, just burst. 713 00:36:16,443 --> 00:36:20,748 Tomorrow, at school, things would be different. 714 00:36:20,782 --> 00:36:23,151 We'd no longer be the Marilyn Monroe 715 00:36:23,183 --> 00:36:25,352 and Arthur Miller of Riverdale High. 716 00:36:25,385 --> 00:36:26,921 We'd pass each other in the hall, 717 00:36:26,954 --> 00:36:28,832 but she'd once again be the beautiful socialite, 718 00:36:28,856 --> 00:36:31,726 and I'd be the melvin who writes comic books. 719 00:36:31,759 --> 00:36:36,363 The kind that hopefully weren't corrupting the youth of America. 720 00:36:36,396 --> 00:36:38,432 "Don't be fooled by their name. 721 00:36:38,465 --> 00:36:40,568 These publications are anything but comic. 722 00:36:40,601 --> 00:36:43,738 In their pages, crime is glorified. 723 00:36:43,771 --> 00:36:48,643 Acts of wanton carnality are celebrated. 724 00:36:48,676 --> 00:36:53,014 Stabbings and beheadings and disembowelings are commonplace, 725 00:36:53,047 --> 00:36:54,414 vividly depicted, 726 00:36:54,448 --> 00:36:57,552 and offered up to our children like so much bubblegum. 727 00:36:57,585 --> 00:37:00,154 If anyone doubts the insidious effects 728 00:37:00,188 --> 00:37:01,455 of this subversive medium, 729 00:37:01,488 --> 00:37:04,092 let me stress what my extensive research 730 00:37:04,125 --> 00:37:05,425 has proven time and again. 731 00:37:05,459 --> 00:37:08,261 There's a direct and undeniable link 732 00:37:08,295 --> 00:37:11,165 between gruesome acts of brutality depicted 733 00:37:11,199 --> 00:37:12,667 in the pages of comic books, 734 00:37:12,700 --> 00:37:15,837 and similar acts of savagery committed in real life 735 00:37:15,870 --> 00:37:19,473 by the juveniles who read these comics books. 736 00:37:19,507 --> 00:37:21,209 Our children are being seduced 737 00:37:21,241 --> 00:37:26,279 - by violence, by sex, by depravity. 738 00:37:26,313 --> 00:37:29,117 Their innocence must be preserved 739 00:37:29,150 --> 00:37:31,284 by any means necessary." 740 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:34,188 I congratulate you, Dr. Werthers. 741 00:37:34,222 --> 00:37:36,256 That's a brilliant editorial. 742 00:37:36,289 --> 00:37:39,560 The soon-to-be-forgotten Muggs murders, 743 00:37:39,594 --> 00:37:41,696 small potatoes compared to the threat to America 744 00:37:41,729 --> 00:37:44,065 that you have outlined here for us tonight. 745 00:37:44,098 --> 00:37:45,298 Thank you, Mr. Mayor. 746 00:37:45,332 --> 00:37:48,401 I consider it my civic and moral duty. 747 00:37:48,435 --> 00:37:51,338 That's why these so-called creators 748 00:37:51,371 --> 00:37:56,276 of these dangerous and morally reprehensible stories 749 00:37:56,309 --> 00:37:57,712 must be held accountable 750 00:37:57,745 --> 00:38:01,649 and punished to the full extent of the law. 751 00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:06,486 I've been reading your stories, Jones. 752 00:38:06,521 --> 00:38:08,256 I gotta say, I love 'em. 753 00:38:08,321 --> 00:38:09,657 This is incredible stuff. 754 00:38:09,690 --> 00:38:12,292 Thank you, Mr. Fieldstone. I, um... 755 00:38:13,194 --> 00:38:14,796 I needed a win today. 756 00:38:14,829 --> 00:38:16,429 Oh, how come? 757 00:38:16,463 --> 00:38:19,767 Ah, let me guess. Girl trouble? 758 00:38:20,201 --> 00:38:21,702 Yeah. 759 00:38:21,736 --> 00:38:25,372 I... kinda had this sweet thing going with this one gal, 760 00:38:25,405 --> 00:38:28,441 but then she read my comics and, um... 761 00:38:29,210 --> 00:38:31,478 Well, she took it the wrong way. 762 00:38:31,512 --> 00:38:33,514 I don't think she liked what I was saying. 763 00:38:33,548 --> 00:38:35,283 I don't even know what that means. 764 00:38:35,315 --> 00:38:36,383 But you busted your ass 765 00:38:36,416 --> 00:38:39,452 to turn those stories around overnight. 766 00:38:39,486 --> 00:38:41,122 And I think you deserve 767 00:38:41,155 --> 00:38:42,523 a little something extra for that. 768 00:38:42,557 --> 00:38:45,193 - A bonus? - God, no. What are you, nuts? 769 00:38:45,226 --> 00:38:47,228 No, I'm thinking, um, credit. 770 00:38:47,261 --> 00:38:49,063 - Your name... - On the cover? 771 00:38:49,096 --> 00:38:52,033 God, no. A byline. 772 00:38:52,066 --> 00:38:54,869 - On the inside. But still... - It's my name in print. 773 00:38:54,902 --> 00:38:58,338 Oh, golly, that would be incredible, Mr. Fieldstone. 774 00:38:58,371 --> 00:38:59,740 I mean, my friends would flip. 775 00:38:59,774 --> 00:39:03,077 How does Jughead "Jugular" Jones 776 00:39:03,110 --> 00:39:04,545 sound for a byline? 777 00:39:04,579 --> 00:39:07,347 Oh... I'm crazy for it. 778 00:39:07,380 --> 00:39:08,549 Yeah. 779 00:39:08,583 --> 00:39:10,450 Now, you listen to me, kid, 780 00:39:10,483 --> 00:39:13,254 I don't know much, but I do know this. 781 00:39:13,287 --> 00:39:15,256 Girls come and go. 782 00:39:15,289 --> 00:39:16,924 But your name in print, 783 00:39:16,958 --> 00:39:21,095 now that's a thing that'll make people sit up and take notice. 784 00:39:21,128 --> 00:39:23,698 Little did any of us imagine how prophetic 785 00:39:23,731 --> 00:39:26,667 Mr. Fieldstone's words would turn out to be.