1
00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:17,810
The Constitution only recognizes

2
00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:20,104
that all people when
they are illegal are immoral.

3
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,231
And then they get busted

4
00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:25,067
and they're indecent,
and that's where it's at.

5
00:00:25,151 --> 00:00:28,195
Now, the last four years I spent
in and out of the courts.

6
00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:30,781
And I figured out,

7
00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:33,159
after four years, uh,
why I got arrested

8
00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:34,744
so many times.

9
00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,328
Dig what happened. Uh...

10
00:00:36,412 --> 00:00:39,123
I do my act at, oh, perhaps,

11
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,000
Eleven o'clock at night.

12
00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:43,461
Little do I know that
11:00 a.m. the next morning,

13
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,463
before the grand jury somewhere,

14
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,840
there's another guy doing my act

15
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:51,302
who's introduced
as Lenny Bruce... in substance.

16
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:54,138
"Here he is, Lenny Bruce.
In substance."

17
00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:57,391
A peace officer,
who is trained for,

18
00:00:57,475 --> 00:00:59,769
to recognize
clear and present danger,

19
00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:01,771
not make believe, does the act.

20
00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:05,399
The grand jury watches him work,
and they go, "That stinks."

21
00:01:05,483 --> 00:01:07,485
But I get busted.

22
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,862
And the irony is
that I have to go to court

23
00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:11,822
to defend his act.

24
00:01:11,906 --> 00:01:13,783
I want to show you this, here.

25
00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,266
Again?

26
00:01:15,326 --> 00:01:17,244
Uh, "Criminal Court,
City of New York,

27
00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:18,996
Part 2B,
County of New York."

28
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,709
Uh, "The honorable judges and"
blah, blah, blah.

29
00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:26,504
"...attorney."

30
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:31,133
"By the information
filed on April 3, 1964,

31
00:01:31,217 --> 00:01:34,053
the defendants Lenny Bruce and
Harold L. Solomon were charged

32
00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:36,847
in two separate counts,
giving an indecent performance

33
00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:40,726
in violation of Section 1148
of the penal law of New York."

34
00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:42,686
All right,
now that's the grand jury.

35
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,688
That was the first bust.

36
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,524
Uh...

37
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,443
"During the first performance,
Bruce fondles the microphone

38
00:01:49,527 --> 00:01:51,445
in a masturbatory fashion.

39
00:01:51,529 --> 00:01:53,548
Second performance, while
telling an act of exposure,

40
00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:55,533
Bruce then turned his back
toward the audience

41
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,719
and moved his hand outward
and upward, below his waist,

42
00:01:57,743 --> 00:02:00,079
in an obvious
and crude pantomime

43
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:03,332
of an act of exposure
and masturbation."

44
00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:05,334
Okay, so I said,
"Make sure to tell him

45
00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:07,837
it's gestures of benediction,
not masturbation."

46
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,464
Because, like, I would never
make gestures of masturbation.

47
00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:13,551
Because I like, like,
I'm-I'm concerned with, uh...

48
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,636
with, uh, my-my image and I know

49
00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:17,513
you know, what offends chicks.

50
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:20,516
Uh, what's ugly to them,
uh, what frightens them.

51
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,602
So I said, "Tell him it's
gestures of benediction."

52
00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:27,606
Okay.

53
00:02:27,690 --> 00:02:29,650
Uh...

54
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,277
Ah, "Three...

55
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,737
Saint Paul giving up fucking."

56
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:36,323
Okay, what I said there was...

57
00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:38,242
Uh, that's
how the bit is reported.

58
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:40,786
But I said that, uh...

59
00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:42,997
Oh, I forget, it's been
so long since I did that bit.

60
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,082
Uh...

61
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,543
I said that, uh...

62
00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,688
I said, uh, how the hell
did I do that bit? I said...

63
00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,380
Now I see, I...

64
00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,007
I forget the bit, I...
No, it's weird

65
00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:55,259
'cause I didn't know
that was a bit that they...

66
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:57,553
that they put in there
and, uh...

67
00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,805
I forget where it,
where it started.

68
00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:02,766
I think I was talking about
the how the Jews lost...

69
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,562
Ah.

70
00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:08,522
- Hey, do you want to see my dance?
- No!

71
00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:10,316
Yeah, I'll do my dance
for you, uh...

72
00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:12,210
Here, this is the first time
that I've ever danced

73
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:13,986
in front of an audience.

74
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:16,030
This is my, uh,
my American folk dance.

75
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:17,573
Uh...

76
00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:29,710
Hello.

77
00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:31,754
Hello. Dirty Lenny's in here.

78
00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:33,631
Dirty Lenny is going on soon.

79
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,549
The pornographer.

80
00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:38,260
Uh, look, I really dug
working with you.

81
00:03:38,344 --> 00:03:41,263
I did, and, uh...
Oh, as Will Rogers once said,

82
00:03:41,347 --> 00:03:43,349
"I never met a dyke
I didn't like."

83
00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:45,327
And, uh, and goodnight.

84
00:03:45,351 --> 00:03:47,394
<i>♪ When your mother ♪</i>

85
00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:50,856
<i>♪ Sends back
all your invitations ♪</i>

86
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,779
<i>♪ And your father
to your sister...</i>

87
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,197
Lenny Bruce.

88
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,408
- Yeah?
- You remember me?

89
00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:03,202
Susie Myerson.

90
00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:05,579
The chopped liver yenta
from Allerton Avenue?

91
00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:08,082
No. I'm a manager.
I'm Midge Maisel's manager.

92
00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:10,626
Didn't you used to be a man?

93
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:12,586
No, I did not.

94
00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:14,505
Hey, who's holding?

95
00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:18,717
You're doing some, uh,
interesting stuff up there.

96
00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,469
Yeah, did you see my dance?

97
00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,221
Hey, if you see Slim,

98
00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:24,282
tell him I'm here and he needs
to get a fucking watch.

99
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:26,433
- The show's been over for hours.
- You got it, Lenny.

100
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,036
Hey, Lenny,
you want to get out of here?

101
00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:29,436
Go somewhere to talk?

102
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,313
Shit.

103
00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,148
I remember you now.

104
00:04:33,232 --> 00:04:34,858
Gaslight?

105
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,111
Yes. Gaslight. Long time ago.

106
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,988
I'm a manager now.

107
00:04:39,071 --> 00:04:40,531
- Of the Gaslight?
- No.

108
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,616
I'm a talent manager.

109
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,827
I'm Midge Maisel's manager.

110
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:47,055
I'm Dick Gregory's manager.
I'm Phyllis Diller's manager.

111
00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:49,832
I'm Eartha Kitt's manager.
I'm a lot of people's manager.

112
00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:52,084
Listen, let's just go get
some food, huh? Some coffee.

113
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:53,919
No, I'm not hungry.

114
00:04:54,003 --> 00:04:55,563
Then let's just get you
back on your feet.

115
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:57,715
- How about that?
- Back on my feet?

116
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:02,302
What I saw out there tonight
was a fucking disgrace.

117
00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:05,014
Nobody wants to see you babble
on about bullshit, man.

118
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:06,724
They want you to be funny.

119
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,559
You forget
how to tell a joke or make

120
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:11,103
an observation without a fucking
case number attached to it?

121
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,313
I'm an observational cat, dig?

122
00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:15,858
I observe and then I report.
That's all I can do.

123
00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:17,460
- You can do more than that.
- Like sing?

124
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:18,819
Like club dates.

125
00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:21,030
- Oh, man, come on.
- What come on?

126
00:05:21,113 --> 00:05:23,073
The fuck are you
talking about, club dates?

127
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,825
There are no more club dates.

128
00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:26,243
This, tonight, was a fluke.

129
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,745
They thought
they booked Bruce Lee.

130
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,663
Are you trying to stand up?

131
00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:31,707
I don't know what the fuck
I'm trying to do.

132
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:34,251
Club dates.

133
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,628
Yes, I'm trying to stand up.

134
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:41,717
I can't step foot in any club
east of the Grand Canyon.

135
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,321
I've been pushed so far west,
I got nothing left but Catalina.

136
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,389
Next week I'm working
on the back of a dolphin.

137
00:05:47,473 --> 00:05:48,992
Jonah and the Whale
for a pack of marlin

138
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,785
- and a school of sardines.
- I can change that.

139
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:52,311
Yeah? How?

140
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:54,980
I have connections.
People owe me favors.

141
00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:56,982
You're gonna use
your favors up on me?

142
00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:58,567
Why?

143
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,819
Because you are Lenny Bruce.

144
00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:02,863
There's only ever gonna be
one of you.

145
00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:04,573
Let's get him back.

146
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,325
Lenny?

147
00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:07,868
Slim's here.

148
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,124
Keep those favors.

149
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,127
Use them for someone worthy.

150
00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:21,715
Congratulations
on repping Dick Capri.

151
00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:23,801
He's a good comic.

152
00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:28,097
Hey, Susie?

153
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:30,849
Is Midge here?

154
00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:33,310
No. Just me.

155
00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:35,979
Oh.

156
00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:42,903
<i>♪ Won't you come see me ♪♪</i>

157
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:47,783
<i>♪ You can forget
all your troubles ♪</i>

158
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:49,910
<i>♪ Forget all your cares ♪</i>

159
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,995
<i>♪ So go downtown ♪</i>

160
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,497
<i>♪ Things will be great...</i>

161
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,375
- Well?
- No.

162
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,460
<i>♪ No finer place for sure...</i>

163
00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:01,004
You tell him you talked
to Albert Grossman?

164
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,965
He's a mess, Miriam.

165
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:05,050
<i>♪ For you...</i>

166
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,680
- You want to go in and...
- No.

167
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,765
No.

168
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,435
Look, I'm gonna be
in L.A. next month.

169
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,312
If he's around,
I will try again.

170
00:07:17,396 --> 00:07:19,940
<i>♪ Downtown...</i>

171
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:22,484
Come on, let's go get drunk.

172
00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:24,778
<i>♪ Where they never close ♪</i>

173
00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:26,530
<i>♪ Downtown...</i>

174
00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:31,076
<i>♪ To the rhythm
of a gentle bossa nova ♪</i>

175
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:35,414
<i>♪ You'll be dancing with 'em,
too, before the night is over...</i>

176
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:47,050
<i>♪ I happen to like ♪</i>

177
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,219
<i>♪ New York ♪</i>

178
00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:52,097
<i>♪ I happen to like this town ♪</i>

179
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:54,641
<i>♪ I like the city air,
I like to drink of it ♪</i>

180
00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:58,520
<i>♪ The more I know New York,
the more I think of it ♪</i>

181
00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:02,107
<i>♪ I like the sight and the sound
and even the stink of it ♪</i>

182
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:03,609
<i>♪ I happen...</i>

183
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:06,028
Hey. Buddy, wake up.

184
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,487
Come on, sleep it off at home.

185
00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:11,033
Okay, move it. Hey!

186
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,451
Stop it!

187
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,994
- You stop it!
- Hey. Hey!

188
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:16,121
Listen! Ow!
You're not listening to me.

189
00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:18,415
Ow!

190
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:24,129
<i>♪ I suppose it's because
they all agree with me...</i>

191
00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:25,714
And you're releasing her?

192
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,549
She plays poker with the chief.

193
00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:29,259
Well, I feel very safe.

194
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,220
- Just sign here.
- Thank you.

195
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,224
- Okay.
- Thank you.

196
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:39,061
- Thanks.
- Hello, there.

197
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,771
Thanks for coming.

198
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,481
Got everything?

199
00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:44,358
All you need is
your health, right?

200
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:46,318
Let's go.

201
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:49,780
<i>♪ I happen to like New York ♪</i>

202
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:52,866
<i>♪ I happen to love ♪</i>

203
00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:57,329
<i>♪ New York ♪♪</i>

204
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:04,836
<i>♪ If you won't take
my best advice ♪</i>

205
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,798
<i>♪ I'm not nice ♪</i>

206
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:11,385
<i>♪ If you don't say
that I'm okay ♪</i>

207
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:15,639
<i>♪ That isn't any way to be...</i>

208
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,474
- Here.
- Thanks.

209
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,643
You need anything else?

210
00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:24,147
Want to tell me
what's going on?

211
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,235
Okay.

212
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,363
Oh!

213
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:33,365
Hey! Shoot.

214
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,450
Sorry.

215
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:42,082
I asked her to get
you on the show.

216
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:43,250
What?

217
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,793
Hedy. I asked her,

218
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:47,170
as a favor to me,
to get you on the show.

219
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,297
Oh.

220
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:49,881
Thank you.

221
00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:51,967
I don't know if she'll do it,
but I asked.

222
00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:55,304
I mean, she owes me,
so she should.

223
00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:57,889
Maybe she'll feel guilty
about everything.

224
00:09:57,973 --> 00:10:00,392
People feel guilty sometimes.

225
00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,352
Even if they don't show it,
right?

226
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:04,438
Sure. Sometimes.

227
00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:08,525
Look, I know you never want
to talk about anything personal.

228
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,609
That's right. I don't.

229
00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:11,486
But you are so upset.

230
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:13,989
Well, I was incarcerated,
Miriam, hmm?

231
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,949
That changes a person.

232
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,331
I mean, you go on
with your life.

233
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:25,417
You file shit away, you don't
expect you ever have to deal

234
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:28,086
with it again,
and then there they are.

235
00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:30,130
You know, walking
right back into your life,

236
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:32,257
uninvited, just standing there.

237
00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:34,551
They don't even have the decency

238
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,095
to get fat or unattractive
or stupid or dull.

239
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:39,556
And now they're blonde.
Fucking blonde!

240
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,810
You were...

241
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,938
...involved?

242
00:10:50,776 --> 00:10:52,986
I was on a scholarship
at Pembroke.

243
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:55,530
I had to work
in the dining room, bus tables.

244
00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:58,408
Every day, this rich girl
and her friends would come in.

245
00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:00,077
They always sat in my section.

246
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,913
And she'd wave me over,
wanting sugar cubes.

247
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,975
Okay, now there were fucking
sugar cubes already there,

248
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,559
right in front of her,
it didn't matter.

249
00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:09,669
She'd call me over
asking about sugar cubes.

250
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:11,880
Every goddamned day.

251
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,715
Well, finally, I had it.

252
00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:15,550
Told her to fuck off.

253
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,345
Wasn't there to be her
dinner theater entertainment.

254
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,264
And she looks at me
and she says,

255
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,725
"But I just wanted
to talk to you."

256
00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,270
That was it.

257
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,689
Eight fucking words
that cursed my life.

258
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:35,153
So, just to be super clear,
you two were... together.

259
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,407
Meaning what did she see in me?

260
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:40,575
No, of course not.

261
00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:42,661
I know exactly
what she saw in you.

262
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,038
It was an unnatural pairing,
okay? I know that.

263
00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:47,332
It was just dumb.

264
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:49,751
We looked ridiculous together.

265
00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:52,129
I had one warm hat.

266
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,381
Furry, ear flaps.

267
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,299
When I wore it,
I looked like her dog.

268
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,183
Like she was taking me out
for a fucking walk.

269
00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,678
I know that's not true.

270
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,346
We fought all the time.

271
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:04,141
I hated her friends.
She hated going to clubs.

272
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,309
I never met her family.
She never met my family.

273
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,061
She chewed weird.

274
00:12:08,145 --> 00:12:09,896
- Hmm.
- I always caught her drawing me

275
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,023
when I wasn't looking.

276
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,526
She would spend hours
doing her hair.

277
00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,820
Boring me stiff
talking about art, but...

278
00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:20,449
You know, she was also smart...

279
00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,325
and funny.

280
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,578
I actually believed her

281
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:27,539
when she said after college,
we'd move to Egypt

282
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:29,624
and rent out camels
to rich tourists.

283
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,712
We were gonna adopt four of
the ugliest kids in the world,

284
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:36,298
raise them to be
really snobby, arrogant fucks.

285
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,383
Just confuse the shit
out of everyone.

286
00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:41,761
Junior year,

287
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:43,472
her mother took her to Paris.

288
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,599
And she came back engaged.

289
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:51,146
I mean, she didn't marry him,
but that was it.

290
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:53,398
So I dropped out,
moved to New York.

291
00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:55,984
Burned that fucking hat.

292
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,862
Oh, Susie. I am so sorry.

293
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,406
I didn't know.
I never would've asked you

294
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,241
to go to her if I had, never.

295
00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:05,243
No. I'm your manager.

296
00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:07,245
You were right. Had to be done.

297
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,918
Is that the only time
you've been in love?

298
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,336
I didn't say love.

299
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,129
Okay.

300
00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:17,881
But yes.

301
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,966
And the last.

302
00:13:22,928 --> 00:13:24,804
I think
you'll fall in love again.

303
00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:28,058
Uh-huh. I'm sure it will have
the same disastrous outcome.

304
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,143
Why would you say that?

305
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,731
Were you ever a blonde?

306
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,233
I was.

307
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,193
College. For a bit.

308
00:13:38,276 --> 00:13:40,070
Yeah.

309
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,155
I figured.

310
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,286
Rose, I think we've been had.

311
00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:50,247
Neither of those children
are sick.

312
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,790
What are you talking about?

313
00:13:51,873 --> 00:13:53,750
I just overheard them
laughing at us

314
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,502
for falling for their scam.

315
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,420
Calling us nitwits
and dodo birds.

316
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,798
I felt Ethan's head.
He was burning up.

317
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,026
Apparently, he stuck his head
under the hot water faucet

318
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,760
- for ten full minutes.
- What?

319
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,346
It was Esther's idea. She
orchestrated the whole thing.

320
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,431
Well, that's terrible.
They should be punished.

321
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,267
I agree. I'm going to the <i>Voice.</i>

322
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,893
Aren't you going to punish them?

323
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,311
I have an editorial meeting.

324
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:15,438
You're not suggesting
that I punish them?

325
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,399
You know, keep it minimal.
They're young.

326
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:19,359
But they did call us nitwits.

327
00:14:19,442 --> 00:14:21,486
Oh, good,
their mother can do it.

328
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:23,363
- Do what?
- Discipline your children.

329
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,615
- For what?
- They feigned illness and called us names.

330
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,909
- To your face? Bold.
- Ah-ha-ha!

331
00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:29,578
Now they're rubbing
our noses in it.

332
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:31,746
You also have to tell
those people at your work

333
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,630
that this is a home,
not an answering service.

334
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,017
I don't know
what you're talking about, Mama.

335
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,418
They have been calling
all morning.

336
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,003
Six times, to be exact.

337
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,671
I told Alvin I'd be back
this afternoon.

338
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,214
- He knew that.
- And by the way,

339
00:14:41,298 --> 00:14:43,484
they say that children who lie
become violent criminals.

340
00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:45,885
- I have to change, Mama.
- Does this not concern you?

341
00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:48,888
- Not particularly.
- Hmm. I thought, as their mother,

342
00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:50,640
you might want
to do something about it.

343
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:52,642
- Like what?
- How should I know?

344
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,103
And there you have it.
I learned from the best.

345
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:05,739
- Alvin?
- Yes?

346
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,175
I will have you know that I am
here on time every single day.

347
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,785
- Well...
- On time enough every single day.

348
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,245
I do not call in sick.

349
00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:13,747
I do not come in hungover.

350
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,766
- Why is she looking at me?
- I stay for every show.

351
00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:17,167
I go to every event.

352
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,890
I get you the fresh peanuts
at Toots Shor.

353
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,046
I make sure you boys eat,

354
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:22,797
that the creamer was
sold in this century.

355
00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:25,550
I cover for you when you are
with your bookie, so...

356
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:27,612
if I need a couple of hours
one afternoon to deal with

357
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:29,822
a personal matter, you should
accept that without calling

358
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,931
constantly like Adam's wife.

359
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,684
I have two children.
I have elderly parents.

360
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:38,480
I have responsibilities that
sometimes require my attention.

361
00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:39,665
Is something wrong
with your children?

362
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,483
No, besides becoming sociopaths,

363
00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:43,002
my children are fine.
That's not the point.

364
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:44,611
Something happen
to your parents?

365
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,505
My parents are fine. I'm just
saying you are not taking into

366
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:49,532
account that I have children
or extremely old parents.

367
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,701
- Did you go shopping?
- Why, Mel?

368
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:54,371
Because I'm a woman?
And all women do is shop?

369
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,931
No, because you're
in a different outfit

370
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,749
from this morning
and it has the tag on it.

371
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,544
Okay. Yes.

372
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,797
This is a new dress.
But I did not go shopping.

373
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,256
And I did not call you.

374
00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:07,258
Oh. Well, who did?

375
00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,386
Midge, I've been calling you.

376
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,221
Gordon wants to see you.

377
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,764
Oh.

378
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:14,432
Sure.

379
00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,524
Did she say her children
were sociopaths?

380
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,067
Uh-huh.

381
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:26,528
Gordon? I got Midge.

382
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:29,989
Give us a minute, Mike?

383
00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:32,283
Uh... sure.

384
00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:39,791
What happened with Paar?

385
00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:41,668
- What?
- He book you?

386
00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,378
- Nope.
- Was he there?

387
00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:44,754
Yep.

388
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,089
- So he saw you.
- He did.

389
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:47,924
- You didn't wow him?
- I was great.

390
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,568
So I guess this "you'll see"
that you threw

391
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:50,903
in my face is gonna
have to wait a while.

392
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,387
That's okay.

393
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,722
I'm patient.

394
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:55,014
Patient?

395
00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:56,558
Mm, funny.

396
00:16:56,641 --> 00:16:58,935
Is that why you
called out your hounds?

397
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,687
What hounds?

398
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,522
Yeah. Sure.

399
00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:04,607
Okay.

400
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,276
You win, you're on the show.

401
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,945
The show? This show?

402
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,530
That's the one.

403
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,490
Wow.

404
00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,492
Really?

405
00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:16,828
Well... wow.

406
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,204
- Tonight.
- Tonight?

407
00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:19,539
You're on the show tonight.

408
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:20,832
Oh. Uh...

409
00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:22,000
- Problem?
- No.

410
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,334
- No problem.
- Not convenient?

411
00:17:23,418 --> 00:17:24,729
- I didn't say that.
- Want to check with

412
00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:26,021
- your girl, have her get back to my girl?
- No.

413
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,231
I can just put
the whole show on hiatus

414
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,173
till you decide
what works for you.

415
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:29,716
Tonight is great.
Best night ever.

416
00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:31,301
- Love tonight. I'm sure.
- You sure?

417
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,635
- I'm thrilled.
- I can tell.

418
00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:37,056
Does it bother you
that I'm thrilled?

419
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,142
I'm thrilled you're thrilled.

420
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,729
Okay, well, I guess that's it.

421
00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,564
Gordon.

422
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,649
Yeah?

423
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:52,071
- See you tonight.
- See you tonight.

424
00:17:57,786 --> 00:18:00,079
You want the door closed?

425
00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:02,415
I do, otherwise when I hurl
this glass at it,

426
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,268
it will fly out into the bullpen
and hit someone on the head.

427
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:06,169
- Lawsuits.
- Sure.

428
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,921
Yeah, you got to think
about these things.

429
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,589
That's why you're the boss.

430
00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:12,342
Yes, the boss. That is me.

431
00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:32,671
- It's too obscure.
- No, it's not, if I ask my mother...

432
00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:34,531
Alvin. I have to go home.

433
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,950
- You just got here.
- I know. I have to change.

434
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,719
- You just changed.
- We saw the tag.

435
00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:40,912
- I need a different outfit.
- Why?

436
00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:43,414
I am gonna be
on the show tonight.

437
00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:45,291
- What?
- How? - What happened to the rule?

438
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,645
- Did they change the rule?
- Alvin! - That's bullshit, Alvin!

439
00:18:47,669 --> 00:18:49,629
- What the fuck?
- What the ever-loving fuck?

440
00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:52,090
Whoa, boys, stop being
so happy for me, seriously.

441
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,384
I might cry.
I'm going on the show tonight.

442
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,386
And I'm in work clothes.
I need show clothes.

443
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,264
- Very different clothes.
- How?

444
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:00,825
I could explain it to you,
but there will be terms

445
00:19:00,849 --> 00:19:01,951
like "side darts"
and "ruching" bandied about.

446
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,643
Go. Please.

447
00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:05,246
I wouldn't have to change
if I got on the show.

448
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:07,873
<i>- Yank it!
- I'm yanking it.</i>

449
00:19:07,897 --> 00:19:09,148
<i>It's not moving.</i>

450
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:11,317
- Try a jiggle.
- If you jiggle, it will fall.

451
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,695
- It's not moving.
- What we need is a squirrel.

452
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:15,321
To do what, Maggie?

453
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:16,948
To go out there
and get the package.

454
00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:18,908
So a trained squirrel?
You're saying we need

455
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:21,095
a trained squirrel. Am I
understanding this correctly?

456
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,180
- Well, it wouldn't hurt.
- This thing is not moving.

457
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:25,665
Shit. Do you remember
who the envelope was from?

458
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,458
The messenger just said delivery

459
00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,168
for Susie Myerson
and Associates.

460
00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:31,045
Did it ever occur to you
to tell him

461
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:33,464
to just walk two feet
to the left and actually drop it

462
00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:35,049
at Susie Myerson and Associates?

463
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,759
- No.
- Why not?

464
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,636
Because we have the bucket!

465
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,221
The bucket is fun.

466
00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:41,806
What's scary is
that we are three

467
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:43,770
of the more intelligent
people in show business.

468
00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:46,728
How do you like my dress?

469
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,438
Why aren't you at work?

470
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,064
- Do you like it?
- Miriam, please.

471
00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,524
One ding-dong at a time.

472
00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:53,127
Do you think this is a dress
that says, "I'm gonna be

473
00:19:53,151 --> 00:19:54,295
on <i>The Gordon Ford Show</i>
tonight"?

474
00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:56,195
Sure.

475
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:58,239
What? Fuck you.

476
00:19:58,323 --> 00:20:00,033
No, fuck you.

477
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:02,368
- Are you serious?
- I'm Antigone without the laughs.

478
00:20:02,452 --> 00:20:04,162
I can't believe it.
What happened?

479
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:05,848
Gordon called me
into his office and told me

480
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,166
- I'm on the show. Tonight.
- Geez, short notice.

481
00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:09,542
- He was pissed.
- Why?

482
00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:12,170
- Why do you think?
- She asked him.

483
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:14,631
- I think she asked him.
- Well, I'll be damned.

484
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,050
- I don't think he liked us going around him.
- Tough shit.

485
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,611
That's what you do
when a big dead moose is lying

486
00:20:18,635 --> 00:20:20,321
in the middle of the road.
You roll the fuck over him,

487
00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:21,971
hack him up and make a stew.

488
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,515
- I'm gonna be on the show!
- You are gonna be on the show.

489
00:20:24,599 --> 00:20:27,101
- I'm gonna be on the show.
- You're gonna be on the show!

490
00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,728
Okay, I have to find my mother.

491
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,313
She is not gonna
avoid it this time.

492
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:31,749
She's gonna come
to the studio and she's gonna

493
00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:32,899
sit there and take it.

494
00:20:32,982 --> 00:20:34,651
<i>♪ That's entertainment ♪♪</i>

495
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,361
- Dinah, what line can I use?
- Line two.

496
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:38,321
- I'm in your office.
- Okay. You!

497
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,865
Get out that Rolodex you've got
and call everyone we know

498
00:20:40,949 --> 00:20:42,885
or don't know and tell them
to watch the show tonight.

499
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,661
You? You find us that squirrel.

500
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,079
On it.

501
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,086
- Stay focused.
- Focused. Yes.

502
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:55,009
We're here for 12 uniforms
for the supper club.

503
00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:58,466
Only 12. And only the exact
uniforms we agreed on last week.

504
00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:00,635
- I brought the picture.
- Never say yes immediately.

505
00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:02,595
They will try
and lay their crap inventory

506
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:04,013
off on us just like last time.

507
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:05,407
I know. I'm still sorry
I fell for it.

508
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:06,349
I don't know what I thought
we were gonna do

509
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:07,350
with all those hoop skirts.

510
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:08,494
My mother's a born hustler.

511
00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:09,912
Just don't leave me alone
with her again.

512
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,479
I've located the uniforms.

513
00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,189
They were hidden in the back,
of course.

514
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,917
You'd think they'd come up
with some new tricks by now.

515
00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:16,776
But there's something else
going on here.

516
00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:19,654
There are men cataloguing
everything in the place.

517
00:21:19,737 --> 00:21:20,822
What? What for?

518
00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:22,991
I don't know.
But I'm gonna find out.

519
00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:25,576
Ma? Pop? I'm here.

520
00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:26,828
Hold on, Joely.

521
00:21:26,911 --> 00:21:28,246
Yeah, we're coming!

522
00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:31,165
You know, it's not too late
to go to Macy's.

523
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,876
- Oh, my God.
- Don't fall for it.

524
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:34,961
But they have canes.

525
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:36,212
Anybody can get a cane.

526
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:37,505
Hello, Joel.

527
00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:40,008
Just kiss me from there, Joely.
I'm fragile.

528
00:21:40,091 --> 00:21:42,260
- What happened here?
- It's a long story.

529
00:21:42,343 --> 00:21:43,386
I got time.

530
00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:45,179
Okay. Well...

531
00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:47,557
Manny's in Florida
visiting his sister.

532
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,660
<i>So Moishe's
been getting up early every day</i>

533
00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:51,519
<i>- to open the factory.
- Anyhow, I'm up,</i>

534
00:21:51,602 --> 00:21:53,604
<i>I'm in the shower,
I drop the soap.</i>

535
00:21:53,688 --> 00:21:55,982
<i>Bent over to pick it up,
and suddenly...</i>

536
00:21:56,065 --> 00:21:57,734
- Whoa!
<i>- Bam, I'm down.</i>

537
00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,318
<i>- Pop, Jesus.
- I'm down hard.</i>

538
00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:01,237
<i>- So I call out for Shirley.</i>
- Shirley!

539
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,905
- I'm in bed, dead asleep.
- A corpse.

540
00:22:02,989 --> 00:22:05,450
Suddenly, I hear Moishe
calling out my name.

541
00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:06,451
Now, it's dark.

542
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,119
It's cold. I have nothing on.

543
00:22:08,202 --> 00:22:10,121
- Not a stitch.
- Ma, please.

544
00:22:10,204 --> 00:22:11,807
So I grab
the first thing I can find

545
00:22:11,831 --> 00:22:13,249
<i>- and I ran in.</i>
- Moishe!

546
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,685
<i>But when he fell,
he splashed water</i>

547
00:22:14,709 --> 00:22:16,429
<i>- all over the bathroom floor.</i>
- Ow!

548
00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:17,754
I'm down like a rock.

549
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,922
And that rock
fell right on top of me.

550
00:22:20,006 --> 00:22:21,025
I thought
I broke everything.

551
00:22:21,049 --> 00:22:22,467
My coat was soaking wet.

552
00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:25,219
It was like having a wet yak
laying all over you.

553
00:22:25,303 --> 00:22:27,031
The cleaning lady
wasn't coming till later

554
00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:28,765
- that morning.
- We just lay there.

555
00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:30,391
And talked.

556
00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:33,394
<i>Just talked
about everything.</i>

557
00:22:33,478 --> 00:22:35,980
<i>What else can you do in a
situation like that besides die?</i>

558
00:22:36,064 --> 00:22:37,499
<i>We haven't talked
like that in years.</i>

559
00:22:37,523 --> 00:22:39,501
<i>And for the first time,
I really listened.</i>

560
00:22:39,525 --> 00:22:41,069
<i>And I listened, too.</i>

561
00:22:41,152 --> 00:22:42,987
<i>It was
a terrific moment.</i>

562
00:22:43,071 --> 00:22:44,947
I love you so much!

563
00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:47,366
Anyhow, your mother convinced me
I was being silly.

564
00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:49,327
There's more to life
than this factory.

565
00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:51,621
And since I'm not
keeping it going for you...

566
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:53,331
Moishe's gonna retire.

567
00:22:53,414 --> 00:22:54,415
What? Really?

568
00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,541
Selling the business.

569
00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:57,502
- Everything goes.
- Just like that?

570
00:22:57,585 --> 00:22:59,253
Sometimes it takes
falling in the shower

571
00:22:59,337 --> 00:23:01,672
for everything
to become very clear.

572
00:23:01,756 --> 00:23:03,091
Life is precious.

573
00:23:03,174 --> 00:23:04,675
And it's not all about you.

574
00:23:04,759 --> 00:23:07,887
You have to think about
the other people in your life.

575
00:23:07,970 --> 00:23:08,888
What about the workers?

576
00:23:08,971 --> 00:23:10,056
Fuck 'em.

577
00:23:10,139 --> 00:23:12,016
Anyhow, the headline is
I'm retiring.

578
00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:13,851
As soon
as we can walk again,

579
00:23:13,935 --> 00:23:16,354
we are selling the house
and getting a condo in Boca.

580
00:23:16,437 --> 00:23:18,147
Well, I'm stunned.

581
00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:19,690
But happy?

582
00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:21,668
- If you're happy, I'm happy.
- Mr. Maisel!

583
00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:24,278
Excuse me, Mr. Maisel,
there's a phone call for you.

584
00:23:24,362 --> 00:23:25,613
Me?

585
00:23:25,696 --> 00:23:26,739
Okay.

586
00:23:26,823 --> 00:23:27,990
I'll be right back.

587
00:23:28,074 --> 00:23:30,451
Okay, Arch, Arch, come here.
Come here.

588
00:23:30,535 --> 00:23:32,286
Let's talk about those uniforms.

589
00:23:32,370 --> 00:23:33,788
Now, I know...

590
00:23:34,914 --> 00:23:35,832
Hello?

591
00:23:35,915 --> 00:23:37,458
Hey. Sorry to bug you.

592
00:23:37,542 --> 00:23:39,752
<i>No. Please, distract me.</i>

593
00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:41,796
I'm gonna be
on <i>The Gordon Ford Show</i> tonight.

594
00:23:41,879 --> 00:23:42,797
<i>What?</i>

595
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,340
Midge, this is incredible.

596
00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:45,341
<i>I know.</i>

597
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:47,009
Can't believe it.

598
00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:48,853
I'm almost afraid
to keep saying it out loud.

599
00:23:48,928 --> 00:23:49,846
It might go away.

600
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:51,347
No. No, it won't go away.

601
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:52,473
This is big.

602
00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:54,642
It's the break
I've been waiting for.

603
00:23:54,725 --> 00:23:56,394
<i>Are you ready?</i>

604
00:23:56,477 --> 00:23:58,354
I'd better be, right?

605
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,815
Listen,
if you need to talk about me,

606
00:24:00,898 --> 00:24:02,608
us, whatever, go ahead.

607
00:24:02,692 --> 00:24:04,902
<i>- I don't mind.</i>
- Oh.

608
00:24:04,986 --> 00:24:06,320
- Joel...
<i>- I mean it.</i>

609
00:24:06,404 --> 00:24:08,132
I'd love to be able to
still live in New York tomorrow,

610
00:24:08,156 --> 00:24:09,323
but if not, so be it.

611
00:24:10,825 --> 00:24:12,660
Have I ever told you
that you are amazing?

612
00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:13,828
You have.

613
00:24:13,911 --> 00:24:14,912
A lot.

614
00:24:14,996 --> 00:24:16,122
More than I deserve.

615
00:24:16,205 --> 00:24:18,124
Hey.

616
00:24:18,207 --> 00:24:19,917
You want to come down
to the studio?

617
00:24:20,001 --> 00:24:22,170
Watch me trash you
on national television?

618
00:24:22,253 --> 00:24:24,547
- Really?
- Yeah.

619
00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:25,631
I'd like you there.

620
00:24:25,715 --> 00:24:26,900
Wouldn't miss it for the world.

621
00:24:26,924 --> 00:24:28,301
<i>8:30.</i>

622
00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:30,970
I'll leave the tickets
under "The one that got away."

623
00:24:31,053 --> 00:24:32,305
You break a leg.

624
00:24:32,388 --> 00:24:34,265
Bye, Joel.

625
00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:43,774
Okay.

626
00:24:43,858 --> 00:24:45,943
I'm heading to the studio.

627
00:24:46,027 --> 00:24:47,147
Hold on. I'm going with you.

628
00:24:47,195 --> 00:24:48,946
Can you hold, please?
Midge. Elbow.

629
00:24:49,030 --> 00:24:50,531
What? Shit.

630
00:24:50,615 --> 00:24:51,949
- Shit.
- What is it?

631
00:24:52,033 --> 00:24:53,659
Shit. It's shit.

632
00:24:53,743 --> 00:24:54,827
- Pigeon shit.
- What?

633
00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:56,871
Fuck. Did you lean on the sill?

634
00:24:56,954 --> 00:24:58,873
You never lean on the sill,
Miriam.

635
00:24:58,956 --> 00:24:59,975
The sill belongs to the pigeons.

636
00:24:59,999 --> 00:25:00,999
I have to change again.

637
00:25:01,042 --> 00:25:02,251
Into what? One of my suits?

638
00:25:02,335 --> 00:25:04,295
Well, I can't go on like this.

639
00:25:04,378 --> 00:25:06,005
Wait, can we stop by Bergdorf's?

640
00:25:06,088 --> 00:25:07,548
You are not going shopping.

641
00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:08,883
No one has that kind of time.

642
00:25:08,966 --> 00:25:10,152
They'd have to postpone
the show by a week.

643
00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:11,361
I have a couple dresses
on hold there.

644
00:25:11,385 --> 00:25:12,428
One of them could work.

645
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:13,951
I'll get them.
You get to the studio.

646
00:25:14,013 --> 00:25:15,556
- Really?
- Go, go, go!

647
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,600
Why do you let pigeons
shit all over your sill?

648
00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:18,726
Because they're pigeons.

649
00:25:18,809 --> 00:25:20,311
Their world is small, Miriam.

650
00:25:20,394 --> 00:25:21,479
Give them something.

651
00:25:26,192 --> 00:25:27,792
<i>"The best advice
I have for girls</i>

652
00:25:27,860 --> 00:25:29,237
<i>who want
to have babies someday is</i>

653
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,089
live with your parents
so they can raise them."

654
00:25:31,113 --> 00:25:33,032
- Maybe.
- Mm.

655
00:25:33,115 --> 00:25:35,701
"My kids aren't babies anymore,
which is sad for a mother.

656
00:25:35,785 --> 00:25:37,429
Now I have to hear their
opinions on the stupid outfits

657
00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:39,664
I..." Too orange. "The stupid
outfits I put on them."

658
00:25:39,747 --> 00:25:41,040
No.

659
00:25:42,416 --> 00:25:43,918
"My son thinks I'm funny.

660
00:25:44,001 --> 00:25:46,003
My daughter thinks
she's adopted." Too dark.

661
00:25:46,087 --> 00:25:47,421
- The joke?
- The liner.

662
00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:48,923
You sure
you wouldn't like to do it?

663
00:25:49,006 --> 00:25:50,800
Please. You're the professional.

664
00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:53,403
"A lot of people ask me why I go
out and perform comedy at night

665
00:25:53,427 --> 00:25:55,096
when I have two young kids
at home." No.

666
00:25:55,179 --> 00:25:57,723
"And I tell them, 'Because
they're bad laughers.'" No.

667
00:25:57,807 --> 00:25:59,868
Yeah, I'm wondering if I
should mention the kids at all.

668
00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:02,311
Mm, kids are relatable. Those
little fuckers are everywhere.

669
00:26:02,395 --> 00:26:04,355
I know, but will people hate
a mother making jokes

670
00:26:04,397 --> 00:26:06,190
- about her children?
- No. Why?

671
00:26:06,274 --> 00:26:07,918
Because a mother's supposed
to love her children

672
00:26:07,942 --> 00:26:10,111
and be soft and caring
and bullshit,

673
00:26:10,194 --> 00:26:11,713
- bullshit, bull... Just let me.
- Yep.

674
00:26:11,737 --> 00:26:14,156
Got 'em. I had them reinforce
all the hooks and buttons

675
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,284
so there's no surprises
on national television.

676
00:26:16,367 --> 00:26:18,178
Plus, I didn't know what
your stocking situation was,

677
00:26:18,202 --> 00:26:19,954
so I got you
a couple extra pairs.

678
00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,497
Dinah, will you marry me?

679
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:22,999
I am not marrying a comedian.

680
00:26:23,082 --> 00:26:24,583
Fair enough.
How much do I owe you?

681
00:26:24,667 --> 00:26:25,584
Nothing.

682
00:26:25,668 --> 00:26:26,836
You are not paying for this.

683
00:26:26,919 --> 00:26:28,379
I am not paying for this.

684
00:26:28,462 --> 00:26:30,798
- I am not paying for this.
- No one is paying for this.

685
00:26:30,881 --> 00:26:32,484
I told them you'd be wearing
one of these fine dresses

686
00:26:32,508 --> 00:26:33,652
on <i>The Gordon Ford Show</i> tonight,

687
00:26:33,676 --> 00:26:34,820
so as long
as you mention Bergdorf's,

688
00:26:34,844 --> 00:26:35,970
it's all free.

689
00:26:36,053 --> 00:26:37,722
Dinah, are you sure
you won't marry me?

690
00:26:37,805 --> 00:26:39,533
Let's get back to the set order, please.

691
00:26:39,557 --> 00:26:40,766
Time's a-tickin'.

692
00:26:40,850 --> 00:26:43,019
I think I should pull back
on the kid stuff.

693
00:26:43,102 --> 00:26:45,205
Okay, but you know if you do,
the minute you open your mouth,

694
00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:47,124
the first thing that comes out
will be "I hate kids.

695
00:26:47,148 --> 00:26:48,316
You can all suck my dick."

696
00:26:48,399 --> 00:26:49,876
I don't think
that'll be the first thing

697
00:26:49,900 --> 00:26:51,380
- that comes out of my mouth.
- Midge!

698
00:26:51,444 --> 00:26:52,361
Success!

699
00:26:52,445 --> 00:26:53,738
Excellent.

700
00:26:54,822 --> 00:26:56,633
He's on Millie's line.

701
00:26:56,657 --> 00:26:58,701
- This one right here.
- Here.

702
00:26:58,784 --> 00:27:01,162
- Hi.
- My God, you people are hard to find.

703
00:27:01,245 --> 00:27:02,163
What are you talking about?

704
00:27:02,246 --> 00:27:03,414
<i>I've been looking for you.</i>

705
00:27:03,497 --> 00:27:05,124
- I'm at work.
<i>- I know that now.</i>

706
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:07,418
Well, then, mystery solved.
Goodbye, Miriam.

707
00:27:07,501 --> 00:27:08,729
I-I've been trying
to get ahold of Mama,

708
00:27:08,753 --> 00:27:10,272
but she's been on the phone
for four hours

709
00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:11,606
and she wasn't home
when I was there earlier.

710
00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:12,757
<i>Why were you home earlier?</i>

711
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:13,758
I went home to change.

712
00:27:13,841 --> 00:27:14,841
- Again?
<i>- Yes.</i>

713
00:27:14,884 --> 00:27:16,344
For the second time today?

714
00:27:16,427 --> 00:27:17,845
Yes. Well, third time,

715
00:27:17,928 --> 00:27:19,740
once Dinah got here
with my dress from Bergdorf's.

716
00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:22,683
I need someone young to listen
in on this and explain it to me.

717
00:27:22,767 --> 00:27:24,393
<i>Listen, I have amazing news.</i>

718
00:27:25,436 --> 00:27:27,772
I am gonna be
on <i>The Gordon Ford Show</i> tonight.

719
00:27:27,855 --> 00:27:29,899
- Doing what?
- Stand-up.

720
00:27:29,982 --> 00:27:31,317
You're a guest?

721
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,402
<i>- I am a guest.</i>
- Well, I'll be.

722
00:27:33,486 --> 00:27:34,926
<i>I've been trying
to get ahold of Mama</i>

723
00:27:34,987 --> 00:27:37,215
because I have two tickets for
you guys to come down and watch.

724
00:27:37,239 --> 00:27:38,532
We go live tonight at 9:00,

725
00:27:38,616 --> 00:27:40,409
<i>so you have to be
in your seat at 8:30.</i>

726
00:27:40,493 --> 00:27:41,786
8:30. Okay.

727
00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:43,162
- We'll be there.
<i>- Great.</i>

728
00:27:43,245 --> 00:27:44,497
I have to go. I'm...

729
00:27:44,580 --> 00:27:46,183
sitting here in the bullpen
in my underwear...

730
00:27:46,207 --> 00:27:47,517
- I don't want to hear anymore.
<i>- But I...</i>

731
00:27:47,541 --> 00:27:49,251
Not a word. See you tonight.

732
00:27:49,335 --> 00:27:50,711
Uh, wait! Miriam.

733
00:27:50,795 --> 00:27:52,505
<i>Yes?</i>

734
00:27:52,588 --> 00:27:54,256
This is...

735
00:27:54,340 --> 00:27:56,175
really wonderful.

736
00:27:58,427 --> 00:28:00,346
Thank you, Papa.

737
00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:08,354
Oh. Uh...

738
00:28:08,437 --> 00:28:10,477
Monologue doesn't write itself, boys.

739
00:28:12,858 --> 00:28:14,819
Rose!

740
00:28:16,195 --> 00:28:17,405
Rose!

741
00:28:17,488 --> 00:28:18,864
Uh, no. Stop right there.

742
00:28:18,948 --> 00:28:20,491
I just got everyone placed.

743
00:28:20,574 --> 00:28:22,576
Come on. We have to get going.

744
00:28:22,660 --> 00:28:25,121
- Where?
- I got a call from Miriam.

745
00:28:25,204 --> 00:28:28,582
She is going to be
on <i>The Gordon Ford Show</i> tonight.

746
00:28:28,666 --> 00:28:30,292
She's going to do her act.

747
00:28:30,376 --> 00:28:32,586
Oh. Well, good for her.

748
00:28:32,670 --> 00:28:34,171
We have to be there by 8:30.

749
00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:36,841
So do whatever you have to do
here to leave the house,

750
00:28:36,924 --> 00:28:38,592
because we have to go.

751
00:28:38,676 --> 00:28:39,760
I'm not going.

752
00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:42,388
What do you mean
you're not going?

753
00:28:42,471 --> 00:28:45,224
Miriam is going to be on television.

754
00:28:45,307 --> 00:28:47,202
If she wanted me to be there,
she would've called me

755
00:28:47,226 --> 00:28:48,144
and asked me herself.

756
00:28:48,227 --> 00:28:49,812
She called you and asked you.

757
00:28:49,895 --> 00:28:51,605
You go and tell me how she was.

758
00:28:51,689 --> 00:28:53,607
She said she's been calling you

759
00:28:53,691 --> 00:28:55,901
and the line has been busy
for four hours.

760
00:28:55,985 --> 00:28:56,902
And you believe that?

761
00:28:56,986 --> 00:28:58,195
Why would she lie?

762
00:28:58,279 --> 00:28:59,548
Because she's a compulsive liar,

763
00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:00,656
just like her children.

764
00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:02,616
- I don't think that's true.
- How long

765
00:29:02,700 --> 00:29:04,702
did she lie to us
about doing stand-up comedy?

766
00:29:04,785 --> 00:29:07,538
Hmm? And about Susie
being a plumber?

767
00:29:07,621 --> 00:29:10,291
When she called us during
Ethan's fake birthday party,

768
00:29:10,374 --> 00:29:12,644
she said she was in Prague, when
she was really back in New York.

769
00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:15,254
And I was most certainly not
on the phone for four hours.

770
00:29:15,337 --> 00:29:17,089
I'm not
a 14-year-old bobby-soxer

771
00:29:17,173 --> 00:29:18,716
planning to elope with Elvis.

772
00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:20,485
Maybe there's something wrong
with the phone.

773
00:29:20,509 --> 00:29:22,261
There is nothing wrong
with the phone.

774
00:29:22,344 --> 00:29:24,305
I have been home all day
with the phone.

775
00:29:24,388 --> 00:29:25,949
I would know
if there was something wrong.

776
00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:27,200
Maybe the phone
was off the hook.

777
00:29:27,224 --> 00:29:29,310
The phone's
absolutely not off the...

778
00:29:32,146 --> 00:29:34,040
Well, that still doesn't prove
anyone was trying to call.

779
00:29:35,858 --> 00:29:37,818
- Hello?
- Rose. Thank God.

780
00:29:37,902 --> 00:29:39,421
I've been trying to get you
for the past four hours.

781
00:29:39,445 --> 00:29:41,089
<i>Midge is gonna be on</i>
The Gordon Ford Show <i>tonight</i>

782
00:29:41,113 --> 00:29:42,531
<i>- and she has tickets for you.</i>
- Oh.

783
00:29:42,615 --> 00:29:44,200
Well, thank you
for calling me, Joel.

784
00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:46,410
<i>You have to be there at 8:30.
The show starts at 9:00.</i>

785
00:29:46,494 --> 00:29:47,495
All right, Joel.

786
00:29:47,578 --> 00:29:49,079
- 8:30.
- Thank you, Joel.

787
00:29:49,163 --> 00:29:50,891
<i>I'm supposed to hear you say
you'll be there.</i>

788
00:29:52,458 --> 00:29:54,376
- Hello.
- Rose. Finally.

789
00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:55,794
I've been trying you for hours.

790
00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:58,464
<i>Listen, Miriam wanted me to call
to make sure you knew</i>

791
00:29:58,547 --> 00:30:00,841
<i>she's performing on</i>
The Gordon Ford Show <i>tonight.</i>

792
00:30:00,925 --> 00:30:03,093
- I know, Shirley.
<i>- They say to be here by 8:30,</i>

793
00:30:03,177 --> 00:30:05,054
<i>but I would say 8:15 to be safe.</i>

794
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:07,806
They give out a lot
of the free stuff at 8:15.

795
00:30:07,890 --> 00:30:09,600
Frisbees, potholders,

796
00:30:09,683 --> 00:30:11,602
wineglasses
with leprechauns on them.

797
00:30:11,685 --> 00:30:12,770
Goodbye, Shirley.

798
00:30:12,853 --> 00:30:14,897
Hello.

799
00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:16,374
Hello, Mrs. Weissman?

800
00:30:16,398 --> 00:30:18,359
My goodness, you like
to talk a lot on the phone.

801
00:30:18,442 --> 00:30:19,961
- I wasn't on the pho...
<i>- I don't have time.</i>

802
00:30:19,985 --> 00:30:21,713
<i>Miss Miriam is trying
to get in touch with you.</i>

803
00:30:21,737 --> 00:30:24,114
She's going to be funny tonight
on <i>The Gordon Ford Show.</i>

804
00:30:24,198 --> 00:30:26,176
<i>- She has tickets for you to come.</i>
- Why are you whispering?

805
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:28,536
<i>Janusz does not want me
talking to you people anymore.</i>

806
00:30:28,619 --> 00:30:31,038
He says you are vampires
sucking the lifeblood out of us.

807
00:30:31,121 --> 00:30:32,432
Zelda,
who are you talking to?

808
00:30:32,456 --> 00:30:34,250
This never happened. Bye.

809
00:30:35,626 --> 00:30:36,544
Okay, so...

810
00:30:38,295 --> 00:30:39,838
This is Rose Weissman.

811
00:30:39,922 --> 00:30:42,049
- Shh! I got her.
- Oh, it's been hours. - Oh, good.

812
00:30:42,132 --> 00:30:43,818
Midge wanted us to call you
and tell you that...

813
00:30:43,842 --> 00:30:45,862
- She's going to be on the show.
- Yes. And be there by...

814
00:30:45,886 --> 00:30:46,905
<i>8:15 if you want
to get the Frisbees.</i>

815
00:30:46,929 --> 00:30:48,472
I know. I heard. Thank you.

816
00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:51,809
- How long do we have?
- One hour.

817
00:30:51,892 --> 00:30:53,352
Let's go.

818
00:30:53,435 --> 00:30:55,062
I don't understand
why you didn't have

819
00:30:55,145 --> 00:30:56,689
Antonio hail us a cab.

820
00:30:56,772 --> 00:30:58,774
There were no cabs
to hail, Rose.

821
00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:00,627
Of course not. You didn't
let him blow the whistle.

822
00:31:00,651 --> 00:31:02,278
- What?
- The cab whistle.

823
00:31:02,361 --> 00:31:04,154
When he blows the whistle,
the cabs appear.

824
00:31:04,238 --> 00:31:06,490
They have to already be there
to hear the whistle.

825
00:31:06,574 --> 00:31:08,284
The whistle is not magic.

826
00:31:08,367 --> 00:31:10,160
Antonio is not a wizard.

827
00:31:10,244 --> 00:31:11,829
This is not Narnia.

828
00:31:11,912 --> 00:31:13,789
- Oh, dear.
- Well, now we know

829
00:31:13,872 --> 00:31:15,791
why there were no cabs
in front of the building.

830
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:17,793
They are all here.

831
00:31:17,876 --> 00:31:19,587
Find a light.

832
00:31:19,670 --> 00:31:21,714
I don't see a light.
Do you have a whistle?

833
00:31:21,797 --> 00:31:24,091
Hello? Cab person?

834
00:31:24,174 --> 00:31:26,010
- Yoo-hoo?
- Excuse me?

835
00:31:26,093 --> 00:31:27,928
- 30 Rockefeller Center.
- No fares.

836
00:31:28,012 --> 00:31:29,888
- Why not?
- Shift change.

837
00:31:29,972 --> 00:31:31,724
- What did he say?
- He's not taking fares.

838
00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:33,601
Because you didn't
use the whistle.

839
00:31:33,684 --> 00:31:36,061
I'd try
the subway, pal!

840
00:31:37,146 --> 00:31:39,146
- Excuse me? Are you available?
- No, shift change.

841
00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:40,858
Excuse me, we need a cab.

842
00:31:40,941 --> 00:31:42,693
Hey, that was my foot
you almost ran over.

843
00:31:42,776 --> 00:31:44,528
- Excuse me, are you available?
- No.

844
00:31:44,612 --> 00:31:46,697
- Excuse me?
- Taxi!

845
00:31:46,780 --> 00:31:49,074
- Excuse me, we need a cab.
- Shift change, lady.

846
00:31:49,158 --> 00:31:51,744
I don't understand why you'd all
change shifts at the same time.

847
00:31:51,827 --> 00:31:53,547
How are we supposed
to get around somewhere?

848
00:31:53,579 --> 00:31:55,080
Hello there, are you available?

849
00:31:55,164 --> 00:31:57,142
- We're going to 30 Rockefeller Center.
- I wish you luck.

850
00:31:57,166 --> 00:31:59,960
Excuse me, we need a cab.
We do not have a whistle!

851
00:32:00,044 --> 00:32:02,296
- Sorry, lady.
- Excuse me,

852
00:32:02,379 --> 00:32:04,965
we need a cab. I know there's
a shift change going on...

853
00:32:05,049 --> 00:32:06,425
Excuse me!

854
00:32:06,508 --> 00:32:08,844
My daughter's going
to be on television...

855
00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:11,096
I will pay you ten dollars

856
00:32:11,180 --> 00:32:13,015
- to not change shifts.
- Nope.

857
00:32:13,098 --> 00:32:15,035
She called me
and the phone was off the hook,

858
00:32:15,059 --> 00:32:16,379
which I had
no idea was happening,

859
00:32:16,435 --> 00:32:18,562
but my grandchildren can
reach it now, it's...

860
00:32:18,646 --> 00:32:20,248
I have ten dollars
if you don't change shifts.

861
00:32:20,272 --> 00:32:21,774
Nope, sorry.

862
00:32:21,857 --> 00:32:23,543
We've had a very strained
relationship since her husband

863
00:32:23,567 --> 00:32:26,528
left her and she became a
comedian, which I was hoping...

864
00:32:26,612 --> 00:32:28,906
Twenty dollars
to give us a ride!

865
00:32:28,989 --> 00:32:30,699
Plus whatever the ride costs.

866
00:32:30,783 --> 00:32:33,494
And if someone
in your family needs tutoring

867
00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:36,330
in advanced algebra
or differential equations,

868
00:32:36,413 --> 00:32:38,791
or a favorable theatrical review

869
00:32:38,874 --> 00:32:41,293
in <i>The Village Voice,</i>
I can make that happen as well.

870
00:32:41,377 --> 00:32:43,003
What is wrong with
the taxi industry?

871
00:32:43,087 --> 00:32:45,297
I offered this man
money and services.

872
00:32:45,381 --> 00:32:47,383
I offered that one
my wedding ring, nothing.

873
00:32:47,466 --> 00:32:48,967
And still he... wait, what?

874
00:32:49,051 --> 00:32:50,362
He looked at me
like I was insane.

875
00:32:50,386 --> 00:32:51,988
How could you offer him
your wedding ring?

876
00:32:52,012 --> 00:32:53,492
That belonged
to my great-grandmother.

877
00:32:53,555 --> 00:32:55,099
Abe, don't try to change
the subject.

878
00:32:55,182 --> 00:32:56,826
What? That was an heirloom.
It was priceless.

879
00:32:56,850 --> 00:32:58,560
She wouldn't even wear it.

880
00:32:58,644 --> 00:33:00,896
She sewed it into her wig,
so no one would steal it.

881
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:02,648
A bus! I see a bus.

882
00:33:02,731 --> 00:33:04,149
I wish we had that whistle.

883
00:33:04,233 --> 00:33:06,568
- Ooh, please stop the bus!
- Wait!

884
00:33:06,652 --> 00:33:08,404
- Wait!
- Stop it now! Stop!

885
00:33:08,487 --> 00:33:10,114
- Do not move!
- Excuse me?

886
00:33:10,197 --> 00:33:12,449
- Excuse me, Mr. Bus Driver!
- Excuse me!

887
00:33:12,533 --> 00:33:14,344
My daughter's going
to be on television!

888
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:31,468
There you go, your set order.

889
00:33:31,552 --> 00:33:32,779
Nice and clear.
Can you read that?

890
00:33:32,803 --> 00:33:34,346
- I can.
- I'll pass it on.

891
00:33:34,430 --> 00:33:36,241
Susie, I can move your dinner
with Shel to tomorrow. Do it?

892
00:33:36,265 --> 00:33:37,725
Why am I having dinner
with Shel?

893
00:33:37,808 --> 00:33:39,327
Because you said
you wanted dinner with Shel.

894
00:33:39,351 --> 00:33:41,186
I hate Shel.
Cancel the dinner with Shel.

895
00:33:41,270 --> 00:33:43,689
I firmly believe that's the
best order for your set, so...

896
00:33:43,772 --> 00:33:45,166
See, you're fucking
with the best order

897
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:46,900
just as I'm saying
it's the best order.

898
00:33:46,984 --> 00:33:48,569
That's a better order. Wait!

899
00:33:48,652 --> 00:33:49,838
Shel took over
the condo circuit.

900
00:33:49,862 --> 00:33:51,131
I need to have dinner with Shel.

901
00:33:51,155 --> 00:33:52,740
Cancel cancelling
my dinner with Shel.

902
00:33:52,823 --> 00:33:54,658
Alan Shepard.

903
00:33:54,742 --> 00:33:56,326
An American hero.

904
00:33:56,410 --> 00:33:58,304
- Thrilled to have you here.
- Thrilled to be here, Gordon.

905
00:33:58,328 --> 00:34:00,539
- I see you got our basket.
- I did. It's big.

906
00:34:00,622 --> 00:34:01,850
Well, we wanted you
to have a basket

907
00:34:01,874 --> 00:34:03,292
that you could see from space.

908
00:34:03,375 --> 00:34:05,127
Apologies in advance
if there are any jokes

909
00:34:05,210 --> 00:34:07,254
about little green men
or if the term "thrusters up"

910
00:34:07,337 --> 00:34:09,399
gets shouted out at any point
during the show tonight.

911
00:34:09,423 --> 00:34:11,443
Sign a picture for my wife,
and all will be forgiven.

912
00:34:11,467 --> 00:34:13,469
Deal. See you out there.

913
00:34:14,636 --> 00:34:16,555
- Maisel.
- Gordon. Hello.

914
00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:18,599
I am really excited
about tonight.

915
00:34:18,682 --> 00:34:20,559
What are you wearing?

916
00:34:20,642 --> 00:34:22,853
What? Uh, a dress?

917
00:34:22,936 --> 00:34:24,772
Is this a trick question?

918
00:34:24,855 --> 00:34:26,523
Just seems a little fancy.

919
00:34:26,607 --> 00:34:28,400
Well, I don't know.
I'm gonna do my act

920
00:34:28,484 --> 00:34:30,587
on <i>The Gordon Ford Show.</i>
That seemed to call for fancy.

921
00:34:30,611 --> 00:34:32,070
- Your act?
- Yes.

922
00:34:32,154 --> 00:34:33,655
You're not doing your act.

923
00:34:33,739 --> 00:34:35,240
Well, whose act am I doing?

924
00:34:35,324 --> 00:34:36,684
It'd better not be
Buddy Hackett's.

925
00:34:36,742 --> 00:34:38,285
'Cause his team is
quick to upset.

926
00:34:38,368 --> 00:34:40,346
Let me clear this up for you.
You're not coming on to perform.

927
00:34:40,370 --> 00:34:42,039
You're coming on as a writer.

928
00:34:42,122 --> 00:34:43,832
A writer?

929
00:34:43,916 --> 00:34:46,436
See if you can borrow a sweater
or something to throw over that.

930
00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:49,338
Susie.

931
00:34:49,421 --> 00:34:51,632
Mr. Ford? Mr. Ford.

932
00:34:51,715 --> 00:34:53,884
Mr. Ford, Susie Myerson.
Midge's manager.

933
00:34:53,967 --> 00:34:55,511
I know who you are.

934
00:34:55,594 --> 00:34:57,346
Listen, my client was
under the impression

935
00:34:57,429 --> 00:34:59,056
she was performing
on the show tonight.

936
00:34:59,139 --> 00:35:00,575
Really?
Who gave her that impression?

937
00:35:00,599 --> 00:35:02,267
You.
You gave her that impression.

938
00:35:02,351 --> 00:35:03,852
I said she was gonna be
on the show

939
00:35:03,936 --> 00:35:05,270
and she is gonna be on the show.

940
00:35:05,354 --> 00:35:06,855
- But not as a comic?
- No.

941
00:35:06,939 --> 00:35:08,732
- But she's a comic.
- Not here.

942
00:35:08,816 --> 00:35:11,109
Here, she's a writer, so she's
gonna come on as a writer.

943
00:35:11,193 --> 00:35:12,486
What does that mean?

944
00:35:12,569 --> 00:35:13,963
She's gonna come out
and get hemorrhoids?

945
00:35:13,987 --> 00:35:15,673
It means I will introduce her
as one of my writers

946
00:35:15,697 --> 00:35:17,324
and ask her
a couple of questions.

947
00:35:17,407 --> 00:35:18,767
She will answer them
and that's it.

948
00:35:18,826 --> 00:35:20,035
- Why?
- Why what?

949
00:35:20,118 --> 00:35:21,703
Why are you bringing her on
as a writer?

950
00:35:21,787 --> 00:35:23,121
Who gives a shit about that?

951
00:35:23,205 --> 00:35:24,706
It's a human interest piece.

952
00:35:24,790 --> 00:35:26,267
Like when a panda bear
gives birth in a zoo.

953
00:35:26,291 --> 00:35:28,710
- Only not quite as cute.
- She is not a panda bear.

954
00:35:28,794 --> 00:35:30,396
Look, she doesn't need
to come on the show at all.

955
00:35:30,420 --> 00:35:31,672
I can bring on Mel.

956
00:35:31,755 --> 00:35:33,024
He actually does look
like a panda bear,

957
00:35:33,048 --> 00:35:34,174
so it'll work even better.

958
00:35:34,258 --> 00:35:35,425
- Gordon...
- I'm due on set.

959
00:35:35,509 --> 00:35:37,719
I will see you out there.
Or not.

960
00:35:40,556 --> 00:35:42,224
What the fuck?

961
00:35:44,852 --> 00:35:47,437
Mike! Mike!

962
00:35:47,521 --> 00:35:49,815
Mike!

963
00:35:49,898 --> 00:35:53,151
Mike! Mike!

964
00:35:54,862 --> 00:35:57,573
Mike! Mike!

965
00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:02,369
Mike! Mike!

966
00:36:02,452 --> 00:36:03,996
Mike!

967
00:36:04,079 --> 00:36:06,248
Mike! Mike!

968
00:36:06,331 --> 00:36:08,041
Oh, my God! What?! What, Susie?

969
00:36:08,125 --> 00:36:09,459
What the ever-loving what?!

970
00:36:09,543 --> 00:36:10,895
He said she was
performing on the show.

971
00:36:10,919 --> 00:36:12,421
- And now she's not.
- She's not?

972
00:36:12,504 --> 00:36:14,673
- She's on the board.
- Don't you produce this shit?

973
00:36:14,756 --> 00:36:17,610
- Why don't you know anything?
- Why is she here if she's not on the show?

974
00:36:17,634 --> 00:36:20,095
Oh, she's going on the show.
She's going on as a panda bear.

975
00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:22,598
I'm sorry, what?
Like, in a costume?

976
00:36:22,681 --> 00:36:24,266
A metaphorical
panda bear, Mike.

977
00:36:24,349 --> 00:36:25,642
I don't know what that is.

978
00:36:25,726 --> 00:36:27,102
It's bullshit.
That's what it is.

979
00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:28,830
Look, the big decisions
are always Gordon's.

980
00:36:28,854 --> 00:36:31,148
He says he wants
to interview her as a writer.

981
00:36:31,231 --> 00:36:32,566
What does that mean?

982
00:36:32,649 --> 00:36:34,002
She's gonna come out
and get hemorrhoids?

983
00:36:34,026 --> 00:36:35,569
- That's what I said!
- Wow.

984
00:36:35,652 --> 00:36:37,529
That sounds like
unadulterated shit.

985
00:36:37,613 --> 00:36:39,281
Fix this, Mike.

986
00:36:39,364 --> 00:36:41,408
- I will see what I can do.
- Fix this now!

987
00:36:41,491 --> 00:36:43,243
I fucking said
I will see what I can do.

988
00:36:43,327 --> 00:36:45,329
One minute,
ladies and gentlemen.

989
00:36:49,625 --> 00:36:52,085
- What's that?
- Last-minute pitch for the opening line.

990
00:36:52,169 --> 00:36:54,004
Better. Give it to Teddy.

991
00:36:54,087 --> 00:36:57,424
There seems to be some confusion
about Midge's spot.

992
00:36:57,507 --> 00:36:59,635
Oh, don't get
in the middle of this.

993
00:36:59,718 --> 00:37:01,487
I'm in the middle of this,
Gordon. I'm your producer.

994
00:37:01,511 --> 00:37:03,531
I changed it to a human
interest piece, quick interview.

995
00:37:03,555 --> 00:37:05,682
Okay, but...

996
00:37:05,766 --> 00:37:07,702
- Show's starting, Mike.
- For those of you still filing in...

997
00:37:07,726 --> 00:37:09,478
That podium won't man itself.

998
00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:11,396
...we are less than
one minute to air!

999
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,607
You're in
for a great show tonight.

1000
00:37:13,690 --> 00:37:16,401
Now we're about to get going,
so keep that energy up.

1001
00:37:16,485 --> 00:37:18,236
This show's a live broadcast,

1002
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:20,423
- so that means anything can happen...
- Rose! Abe!

1003
00:37:20,447 --> 00:37:22,115
Abe, over here, over here!

1004
00:37:22,199 --> 00:37:23,867
Oh, Shirley.

1005
00:37:23,951 --> 00:37:25,577
Where's Moishe?

1006
00:37:25,661 --> 00:37:27,388
Oh, he's on painkillers.
He thought he was Eva Perón,

1007
00:37:27,412 --> 00:37:29,081
so I left him at home.

1008
00:37:29,164 --> 00:37:31,309
- Here, Frisbees for you.
- Just a few things to bear in mind...

1009
00:37:31,333 --> 00:37:33,213
- Rose, Abe!
- ...no eating and drinking.

1010
00:37:33,293 --> 00:37:35,093
- Hi! Hey!
- Please no unwrapping candy,

1011
00:37:35,170 --> 00:37:37,255
keep the aisles clear,
and if you have to leave,

1012
00:37:37,339 --> 00:37:38,799
please do so quietly.

1013
00:37:38,882 --> 00:37:41,510
Emergency exit doors are
on both sides in the back.

1014
00:37:41,593 --> 00:37:44,221
Other than that,
make a lot of noise

1015
00:37:44,304 --> 00:37:46,932
when it comes to showing
Gordon you're happy to be here.

1016
00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:51,687
Here we go, lots of applause!

1017
00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:54,189
And five, four,

1018
00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:56,358
three...

1019
00:37:56,441 --> 00:37:58,485
Ladies and gentlemen,

1020
00:37:58,568 --> 00:38:01,029
it's <i>The Gordon Ford Show.</i>

1021
00:38:01,113 --> 00:38:03,115
Tonight's guests...

1022
00:38:03,198 --> 00:38:05,534
astronaut Alan Shepard,

1023
00:38:05,617 --> 00:38:09,162
Broadway sensation
Carol Burnett,

1024
00:38:09,246 --> 00:38:11,957
<i>plus a special visit with...</i>

1025
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,042
<i>a Gordon Ford writer!</i>

1026
00:38:14,126 --> 00:38:16,294
<i>Now here he is,</i>

1027
00:38:16,378 --> 00:38:18,255
<i>Gordon Ford!</i>

1028
00:38:18,338 --> 00:38:20,340
- Mr. Shepard?
- Okay, ready.

1029
00:38:21,758 --> 00:38:23,385
- Good luck, Miss.
- Thank you.

1030
00:38:23,468 --> 00:38:25,303
Nice to have you back on Earth.

1031
00:38:25,387 --> 00:38:27,431
<i>Gordon Ford
is a genius!</i>

1032
00:38:29,891 --> 00:38:33,103
<i>♪ Someone's being bashful ♪</i>

1033
00:38:33,186 --> 00:38:37,107
<i>♪ That's no way to be,
not with me ♪</i>

1034
00:38:37,190 --> 00:38:39,818
<i>♪ Can't you see? ♪</i>

1035
00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:43,989
<i>♪ That I am just
as embarrassed as you ♪</i>

1036
00:38:44,072 --> 00:38:48,285
<i>♪ And I can understand
your point of view ♪</i>

1037
00:38:48,368 --> 00:38:50,829
<i>♪ I've always been ♪</i>

1038
00:38:50,912 --> 00:38:53,206
<i>♪ Shy ♪</i>

1039
00:38:53,290 --> 00:38:56,126
<i>♪ I confess it, I'm shy ♪</i>

1040
00:38:56,209 --> 00:38:58,670
<i>♪ Can't you guess
that this confident air ♪</i>

1041
00:38:58,754 --> 00:39:02,591
<i>♪ Is a mask that I wear
'cause I'm shy? ♪</i>

1042
00:39:02,674 --> 00:39:05,635
<i>♪ And you can be sure ♪</i>

1043
00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:09,014
<i>♪ Way down deep I'm demure ♪</i>

1044
00:39:09,097 --> 00:39:11,933
<i>♪ Though some people
I know might deny it ♪</i>

1045
00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:15,854
<i>♪ At bottom
I'm quiet and pure...</i>

1046
00:39:18,857 --> 00:39:20,692
As much as this night stinks,

1047
00:39:20,776 --> 00:39:23,153
I really enjoyed
Alan Shepard's nuts.

1048
00:39:23,236 --> 00:39:24,780
Midge?

1049
00:39:24,863 --> 00:39:26,698
Hello, Midge? Are you Midge?

1050
00:39:26,782 --> 00:39:28,408
That's Midge.

1051
00:39:28,492 --> 00:39:30,118
Oh. Great. Thanks.

1052
00:39:30,202 --> 00:39:32,662
Midge? Hi. I'm Plum. I know.

1053
00:39:32,746 --> 00:39:34,515
It's a terrible fruity
family name, but there you go.

1054
00:39:34,539 --> 00:39:35,707
Can we help you, Plum?

1055
00:39:35,791 --> 00:39:37,542
No. I'm here to help you.

1056
00:39:37,626 --> 00:39:39,669
I'm your stage manager
for the night.

1057
00:39:39,753 --> 00:39:41,588
What do you mean,
"my stage manager"?

1058
00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:43,649
The real stage manager is
busy managing the real show,

1059
00:39:43,673 --> 00:39:45,300
so they assigned me
to manage you.

1060
00:39:45,383 --> 00:39:47,583
Wait, don't you run the lost
and found for the ice rink?

1061
00:39:47,636 --> 00:39:49,763
Not today.

1062
00:39:49,846 --> 00:39:51,473
Shall we go?

1063
00:39:51,556 --> 00:39:55,018
<i>- ♪ Not I, sir ♪
- ♪ Then who, sir? ♪</i>

1064
00:39:55,102 --> 00:39:57,854
<i>♪ Where, sir and when, sir? ♪</i>

1065
00:39:57,938 --> 00:40:00,065
<i>♪ I couldn't be tenser ♪</i>

1066
00:40:00,148 --> 00:40:02,317
<i>♪ So let's get this done, man ♪</i>

1067
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,778
<i>♪ Come on with the fun, man ♪</i>

1068
00:40:04,861 --> 00:40:07,322
<i>♪ I am one man ♪</i>

1069
00:40:07,405 --> 00:40:09,783
<i>♪ The lady is one man ♪</i>

1070
00:40:09,866 --> 00:40:14,162
<i>♪ Shy ♪♪</i>

1071
00:40:19,793 --> 00:40:21,586
Carol Burnett,
ladies and gentlemen.

1072
00:40:21,670 --> 00:40:23,856
Just fantastic, Carol. Can't
wait to see what you do next.

1073
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:25,680
And we'll be right back,
ladies and gentlemen,

1074
00:40:25,757 --> 00:40:28,176
after a word from our sponsor.

1075
00:40:28,260 --> 00:40:31,012
And we are out.

1076
00:40:31,096 --> 00:40:33,098
Wait here.

1077
00:40:34,558 --> 00:40:36,560
All right, guys, right this way.

1078
00:40:39,062 --> 00:40:40,939
You have to sit on a stool?

1079
00:40:41,022 --> 00:40:42,566
The couch is right there.

1080
00:40:42,649 --> 00:40:44,609
The couch is for the real
guests on the real show.

1081
00:40:44,651 --> 00:40:46,361
I'm not allowed
to have back support.

1082
00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:48,029
Well, the stool is
still on camera.

1083
00:40:48,113 --> 00:40:49,823
You can still make them laugh.

1084
00:40:49,906 --> 00:40:52,051
- This does not have to suck completely, so tits...
- Nope.

1085
00:40:52,075 --> 00:40:54,035
- Right.
- Girl writer on the stool.

1086
00:40:58,415 --> 00:41:00,500
You are on the left,
so Gordon can get back

1087
00:41:00,584 --> 00:41:02,210
to his desk
as quickly as possible.

1088
00:41:02,294 --> 00:41:04,212
Got it.

1089
00:41:07,632 --> 00:41:09,801
Fine, thank you.

1090
00:41:09,885 --> 00:41:12,280
Look at her up there. Look, it's Miriam.

1091
00:41:14,389 --> 00:41:16,474
Over here.

1092
00:41:16,558 --> 00:41:19,019
Miriam, I found your mother!

1093
00:41:19,102 --> 00:41:20,896
The phone was off the hook!

1094
00:41:20,979 --> 00:41:22,439
I went home and got her!

1095
00:41:22,522 --> 00:41:24,566
We took a bus! It was harrowing!

1096
00:41:24,649 --> 00:41:26,526
Psst!

1097
00:41:35,368 --> 00:41:37,829
And we're back in...

1098
00:41:37,913 --> 00:41:40,498
five, four, three...

1099
00:41:44,044 --> 00:41:46,713
And we're back,
ladies and gentlemen.

1100
00:41:46,796 --> 00:41:50,133
This is <i>The Gordon Ford Show</i>
and I am still Gordon Ford.

1101
00:41:50,217 --> 00:41:52,385
Now as much as I would love

1102
00:41:52,469 --> 00:41:54,363
to take credit for everything
that happens out here,

1103
00:41:54,387 --> 00:41:56,598
I can't. There is an army

1104
00:41:56,681 --> 00:41:59,267
of men and women toiling away
in our offices back there,

1105
00:41:59,351 --> 00:42:01,895
so that I can come out here
and appear witty.

1106
00:42:01,978 --> 00:42:04,731
Well, I thought that maybe you might want

1107
00:42:04,814 --> 00:42:06,734
to meet one of them tonight.
Would you like that?

1108
00:42:08,318 --> 00:42:10,153
So help me welcome
to <i>The Gordon Ford Show,</i>

1109
00:42:10,237 --> 00:42:12,489
our resident lady writer.

1110
00:42:18,161 --> 00:42:20,330
Ladies and gentlemen,
meet Midge.

1111
00:42:21,915 --> 00:42:24,334
- Hello, Midge.
- Hello.

1112
00:42:24,417 --> 00:42:26,795
Now you've been here
on the show five months now.

1113
00:42:26,878 --> 00:42:28,856
So I've got to ask the question
everyone's thinking.

1114
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,675
In your own words,
what do you think of the boss?

1115
00:42:33,802 --> 00:42:35,428
He's great, Gordon.

1116
00:42:35,512 --> 00:42:37,055
- Handsome?
- Very.

1117
00:42:37,138 --> 00:42:38,890
- Charming?
- Like the prince.

1118
00:42:38,974 --> 00:42:40,684
Skillful juggler?
Good with kids?

1119
00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:42,560
All of the above.

1120
00:42:42,644 --> 00:42:45,438
Midge is one of six writers
on my writing staff.

1121
00:42:45,522 --> 00:42:48,066
Now, you may all be wondering
what exactly is it

1122
00:42:48,149 --> 00:42:49,651
that television writers do?

1123
00:42:49,734 --> 00:42:51,774
Well, each morning, they gather
in the writers room,

1124
00:42:51,820 --> 00:42:54,114
they have bagels and coffee,
they read the papers,

1125
00:42:54,197 --> 00:42:55,949
they pretend to know
how to pass a football,

1126
00:42:56,032 --> 00:42:57,951
and then just about now...

1127
00:42:58,034 --> 00:42:59,953
they start thinking
of tonight's monologue.

1128
00:43:00,036 --> 00:43:02,122
Always prepared, right?

1129
00:43:02,205 --> 00:43:04,141
I can feel your eyes burning
a hole through my head.

1130
00:43:04,165 --> 00:43:06,001
You're lucky I'm not staring
at your balls.

1131
00:43:06,084 --> 00:43:08,295
So, Midge,
as our resident lady writer,

1132
00:43:08,378 --> 00:43:10,672
let me ask you,
what's the difference

1133
00:43:10,755 --> 00:43:12,882
between a male writer
and a female writer?

1134
00:43:12,966 --> 00:43:15,176
Oh. Uh...

1135
00:43:15,260 --> 00:43:16,612
While you think of that,
let's meet

1136
00:43:16,636 --> 00:43:17,697
the rest of the writing staff.

1137
00:43:17,721 --> 00:43:19,597
Jerry, turn that camera around.

1138
00:43:19,681 --> 00:43:21,361
Ladies and gentlemen,
that's Ralph Emerson,

1139
00:43:21,391 --> 00:43:23,184
Cecil Green, Adam Portnoy,

1140
00:43:23,268 --> 00:43:24,811
Mel Rubens, and my head writer

1141
00:43:24,894 --> 00:43:26,855
Alvin Blank. The writers
of <i>The Gordon Ford Show.</i>

1142
00:43:26,938 --> 00:43:28,523
My band of merry men.

1143
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:31,568
Hi! Hi!

1144
00:43:31,651 --> 00:43:33,379
All right,
bring it back around on me.

1145
00:43:33,403 --> 00:43:35,363
Okay, where were we?

1146
00:43:35,447 --> 00:43:37,032
Oh, yes, the differences

1147
00:43:37,115 --> 00:43:39,200
between male writers
and female writers.

1148
00:43:39,284 --> 00:43:42,120
Female writers write a lot
more jokes about horses, Gordon.

1149
00:43:42,203 --> 00:43:44,789
And poisoning our husbands.

1150
00:43:44,873 --> 00:43:47,375
And we like
to be held after we pitch.

1151
00:43:47,459 --> 00:43:49,002
Okay.

1152
00:43:49,085 --> 00:43:50,879
And now a word from our sponsor.

1153
00:43:50,962 --> 00:43:52,422
- What?
- What?

1154
00:43:52,505 --> 00:43:54,275
- Go to commercial.
- What commercial?

1155
00:43:54,299 --> 00:43:55,717
Find a commercial.

1156
00:44:01,014 --> 00:44:02,724
That's it?

1157
00:44:02,807 --> 00:44:05,477
Leave 'em wanting more.

1158
00:44:07,604 --> 00:44:08,831
And we are
out for commercial,

1159
00:44:08,855 --> 00:44:09,939
ladies and gentlemen.

1160
00:44:10,023 --> 00:44:11,858
Stay on the stool.
What are you doing?

1161
00:44:11,941 --> 00:44:13,669
- You still have four minutes left on the bit.
- The bit was done.

1162
00:44:13,693 --> 00:44:15,171
- I threw to commercial.
- I know you threw to commercial.

1163
00:44:15,195 --> 00:44:16,839
You weren't supposed
to throw to commercial.

1164
00:44:16,863 --> 00:44:18,466
- Not for another four minutes.
- So I threw early.

1165
00:44:18,490 --> 00:44:19,949
Four minutes early!

1166
00:44:20,033 --> 00:44:21,886
Look, I'll just wrap the show
after the commercial.

1167
00:44:21,910 --> 00:44:24,371
You have four minutes
after the commercial.

1168
00:44:24,454 --> 00:44:26,206
Are you listening?
I know I keep saying it.

1169
00:44:26,289 --> 00:44:28,208
- I'll vamp.
- For four minutes?

1170
00:44:28,291 --> 00:44:30,585
- Who are you, Mae West?
- What do you want from me?

1171
00:44:30,668 --> 00:44:32,629
I want four minutes from you.
Content!

1172
00:44:32,712 --> 00:44:34,732
Bring out another writer.
Interview the stage manager.

1173
00:44:34,756 --> 00:44:37,425
Interview Plum. What the hell
is Plum doing here?

1174
00:44:37,509 --> 00:44:39,260
They never go
to commercial this early.

1175
00:44:39,344 --> 00:44:41,471
They have three minutes
and 56 seconds

1176
00:44:41,554 --> 00:44:43,848
left in this segment.
I time it.

1177
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:50,021
What the hell
is she doing on a stool?

1178
00:44:50,105 --> 00:44:52,399
- Everything backfired.
- What did you do?

1179
00:44:52,482 --> 00:44:55,193
Why is everything automatically
my...? Yeah, okay, it was me.

1180
00:44:55,276 --> 00:44:56,694
I had a friend talk Gordon

1181
00:44:56,778 --> 00:44:58,458
into putting her on the show
and since he's

1182
00:44:58,488 --> 00:45:01,366
a baby driven solely by his ego
and paper-thin nutsack,

1183
00:45:01,449 --> 00:45:03,660
he bumped her from
a stand-up spot to the stool.

1184
00:45:03,743 --> 00:45:05,620
And then she gets a laugh
from the audience,

1185
00:45:05,703 --> 00:45:08,331
so my guess is
he shit his diaper.

1186
00:45:08,415 --> 00:45:09,749
Fine.

1187
00:45:09,833 --> 00:45:12,085
I will do four more minutes
of stool work. Happy?

1188
00:45:12,168 --> 00:45:13,670
She's funny, Gordon.

1189
00:45:13,753 --> 00:45:15,272
You're the one who hired her
in the first place.

1190
00:45:15,296 --> 00:45:17,340
Because you thought
she was funny.

1191
00:45:18,758 --> 00:45:20,427
Four more minutes
after commercial.

1192
00:45:20,510 --> 00:45:22,053
- But...
- Midge, please.

1193
00:45:22,137 --> 00:45:24,347
Four more minutes,
and then we can all go get drunk

1194
00:45:24,431 --> 00:45:26,891
or go to bed
or drive a car into a wall.

1195
00:45:26,975 --> 00:45:29,310
- Might do all three, myself.
- Fine.

1196
00:45:29,394 --> 00:45:31,271
Thank you.

1197
00:45:31,354 --> 00:45:32,856
- Archie, I'm here!
- Finally!

1198
00:45:32,939 --> 00:45:34,459
I know. Did I miss it?
What did she do?

1199
00:45:34,524 --> 00:45:36,025
- She sat on a stool.
- Oh, good.

1200
00:45:36,109 --> 00:45:38,278
She can do that.
Hi. We're married.

1201
00:45:43,324 --> 00:45:45,660
- Miriam! Miriam!
- Miriam, over here!

1202
00:45:52,041 --> 00:45:54,669
Miriam, I have to say,
though not a word

1203
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:56,463
of any note has come
out of your mouth,

1204
00:45:56,546 --> 00:45:58,339
it is still very exciting

1205
00:45:58,423 --> 00:46:00,341
to see you sitting
on that stool.

1206
00:46:00,425 --> 00:46:02,886
Thank you, Papa.

1207
00:46:02,969 --> 00:46:05,180
Miriam.

1208
00:46:05,263 --> 00:46:07,682
You know you can get pregnant
squatting like that.

1209
00:46:07,765 --> 00:46:09,476
I told you that one time,

1210
00:46:09,559 --> 00:46:10,977
and you've never
let me forget it.

1211
00:46:11,060 --> 00:46:12,270
Because it was a doozy.

1212
00:46:12,353 --> 00:46:14,397
I just want you to know,
I'm very touched

1213
00:46:14,481 --> 00:46:17,317
that you had so many people
ask me to come here tonight.

1214
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:20,236
Well, it was supposed
to be a big night for me.

1215
00:46:20,320 --> 00:46:21,863
I didn't want you to miss it.

1216
00:46:21,946 --> 00:46:23,281
Supposed to be?

1217
00:46:23,364 --> 00:46:24,699
Is.

1218
00:46:24,782 --> 00:46:26,534
It is a big night for me.

1219
00:46:26,618 --> 00:46:28,119
Um...

1220
00:46:28,203 --> 00:46:29,996
they want you back in place?

1221
00:46:30,079 --> 00:46:31,831
Is that a question, Plum?

1222
00:46:31,915 --> 00:46:33,917
No.

1223
00:46:35,502 --> 00:46:37,420
I'll see you later, Mama.

1224
00:46:37,504 --> 00:46:39,255
Midge!

1225
00:46:39,339 --> 00:46:41,716
Beret!

1226
00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:43,843
And we're back
in two minutes, everyone.

1227
00:46:43,927 --> 00:46:46,221
Please stay in your seats.

1228
00:47:21,005 --> 00:47:21,923
We can fight
about this tomorrow.

1229
00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:23,067
I mean, it's for four more...

1230
00:47:23,091 --> 00:47:24,592
Stool, stool, stool.

1231
00:47:24,676 --> 00:47:26,070
Mike, can I talk
to Susie for a second?

1232
00:47:26,094 --> 00:47:27,804
One second. One literal second.

1233
00:47:27,887 --> 00:47:29,556
What's going on?
Are you thinking?

1234
00:47:29,639 --> 00:47:31,200
'Cause it looks like you're
thinking or passing a stone.

1235
00:47:31,224 --> 00:47:32,850
Susie, I have
four more minutes left.

1236
00:47:32,934 --> 00:47:34,894
- Four minutes.
- Okay.

1237
00:47:34,978 --> 00:47:37,105
Four minutes. You hearing me?

1238
00:47:37,188 --> 00:47:39,440
- Yes. Four minutes.
- Four minutes.

1239
00:47:39,524 --> 00:47:41,293
- Four minutes. You've got four minutes.
- Four.

1240
00:47:41,317 --> 00:47:43,903
I am gonna punch you
in the nose. I don't care how

1241
00:47:43,987 --> 00:47:46,006
- it will look on TV.
- I'm thinking about doing something,

1242
00:47:46,030 --> 00:47:47,466
Susie, something reckless
that could go

1243
00:47:47,490 --> 00:47:49,576
very badly for both of us.

1244
00:47:49,659 --> 00:47:50,743
Yeah?

1245
00:47:50,827 --> 00:47:52,161
It could ruin us.

1246
00:47:52,245 --> 00:47:54,330
Definitely me
and you by extension.

1247
00:47:55,373 --> 00:47:56,833
Okay.

1248
00:47:56,916 --> 00:47:59,085
I just...

1249
00:47:59,168 --> 00:48:00,670
60 seconds.

1250
00:48:06,759 --> 00:48:08,428
What do you think?

1251
00:48:10,138 --> 00:48:12,390
Look, you started your career
by getting up on a stage

1252
00:48:12,473 --> 00:48:14,368
that no one told you to get up
on, saying a bunch of shit

1253
00:48:14,392 --> 00:48:16,978
that no one wanted you
to say, so...

1254
00:48:17,061 --> 00:48:19,439
...tits up.

1255
00:48:20,607 --> 00:48:22,817
Tits up.

1256
00:48:29,449 --> 00:48:31,451
Buckle up, Mikey.

1257
00:48:34,787 --> 00:48:36,039
30 seconds.

1258
00:48:36,122 --> 00:48:38,333
Everybody back
in their seats, please.

1259
00:48:45,048 --> 00:48:48,051
I want you to know it was not
my intention to force your hand.

1260
00:48:48,134 --> 00:48:50,887
I had hoped you would want
to put me on someday.

1261
00:48:50,970 --> 00:48:53,598
This isn't personal,
it's just...

1262
00:48:55,391 --> 00:48:57,226
- It was not handled well.
- Mm-hmm.

1263
00:48:57,310 --> 00:48:59,312
- And you know the rule.
- I do.

1264
00:48:59,395 --> 00:49:01,272
And we are back

1265
00:49:01,356 --> 00:49:03,316
in five, four, three...

1266
00:49:03,399 --> 00:49:05,610
I've just never been great
at following rules.

1267
00:49:12,867 --> 00:49:15,453
We are back
with our lady writer.

1268
00:49:15,536 --> 00:49:17,455
So, Midge,
something's been nagging at me

1269
00:49:17,538 --> 00:49:18,831
ever since you came aboard.

1270
00:49:18,915 --> 00:49:20,750
The coffee
in the writers' room is

1271
00:49:20,833 --> 00:49:23,336
so much better than
in the break room, why is that?

1272
00:49:23,419 --> 00:49:26,130
I wouldn't know, Gordon,
because... fun fact...

1273
00:49:26,214 --> 00:49:28,049
I am not actually a writer.

1274
00:49:28,132 --> 00:49:29,967
What?

1275
00:49:30,051 --> 00:49:32,845
I'm a comedienne. I've only
been pretending to be a writer

1276
00:49:32,929 --> 00:49:34,597
so I'd have a bathroom
to use in Midtown.

1277
00:49:36,057 --> 00:49:37,377
So, why don't
I just get up and do

1278
00:49:37,433 --> 00:49:39,018
what I came here to do, huh?

1279
00:49:44,691 --> 00:49:46,776
No, where are you going?

1280
00:49:46,859 --> 00:49:48,111
We'll find out.

1281
00:49:52,573 --> 00:49:54,742
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

1282
00:49:54,826 --> 00:49:57,912
What's happening here
is a Jewish hijacking.

1283
00:49:57,995 --> 00:50:01,165
There's no planes involved,
no one wants to go to Cuba.

1284
00:50:01,249 --> 00:50:03,459
My only demand is
four minutes of airtime,

1285
00:50:03,543 --> 00:50:05,023
and a ride to the doctor
when I'm old.

1286
00:50:06,754 --> 00:50:07,898
That's the nice thing
about the Jews.

1287
00:50:07,922 --> 00:50:09,340
We only hijack a conversation.

1288
00:50:11,676 --> 00:50:14,053
So, I am not actually supposed
to be up here right now,

1289
00:50:14,137 --> 00:50:17,140
talking to you all.
I broke a pretty big rule

1290
00:50:17,223 --> 00:50:18,975
when I left that stool.

1291
00:50:19,058 --> 00:50:20,138
But lately, I've been doing

1292
00:50:20,184 --> 00:50:21,453
a lot of things
I'm not supposed to.

1293
00:50:21,477 --> 00:50:23,521
Like becoming a comic.
That was a surprise.

1294
00:50:23,604 --> 00:50:26,274
To everyone. Me, especially.

1295
00:50:26,357 --> 00:50:28,234
I was just a wife and a mother

1296
00:50:28,317 --> 00:50:29,877
on the Upper West Side...

1297
00:50:29,902 --> 00:50:31,946
Upper West Side? Really?

1298
00:50:32,029 --> 00:50:34,365
My parents are
in the audience tonight.

1299
00:50:34,449 --> 00:50:36,200
Compare notes on
the parking situation.

1300
00:50:36,284 --> 00:50:38,411
My father's got a whole
conspiracy theory going on...

1301
00:50:38,494 --> 00:50:40,079
It's not a theory.

1302
00:50:40,163 --> 00:50:41,807
There's a lot of Jews
on the Upper West Side

1303
00:50:41,831 --> 00:50:44,250
and not nearly enough parking
spaces. Connect the dots.

1304
00:50:44,333 --> 00:50:46,127
...so I was just
a wife and a mother

1305
00:50:46,210 --> 00:50:47,754
and then one day,
my husband left me.

1306
00:50:48,880 --> 00:50:50,381
On Yom Kippur.

1307
00:50:50,465 --> 00:50:53,050
The holy day when Jews fast
to atone for their sins?

1308
00:50:53,134 --> 00:50:54,886
That's the day
he chose to leave me.

1309
00:50:54,969 --> 00:50:57,680
For his secretary.

1310
00:50:57,764 --> 00:50:58,782
I can't really blame him,
though.

1311
00:50:58,806 --> 00:50:59,908
She had some mints in her purse.

1312
00:51:02,185 --> 00:51:04,854
I'll admit, it was
really terrible for a while.

1313
00:51:04,937 --> 00:51:06,981
But then the sun set
and I could eat again.

1314
00:51:08,983 --> 00:51:10,777
Suddenly, I was single.

1315
00:51:10,860 --> 00:51:12,653
I wasn't raised to be single.

1316
00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:15,448
I didn't know what to do, so I
drank my weight in Manischewitz,

1317
00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:17,867
stumbled onto a stage,
grabbed a microphone,

1318
00:51:17,950 --> 00:51:20,411
and in that moment
everything changed.

1319
00:51:20,495 --> 00:51:23,372
I discovered what it felt like
to have people listen to me.

1320
00:51:23,456 --> 00:51:26,125
Well, not men, but other people.

1321
00:51:26,209 --> 00:51:28,336
Well, not my mother,
but everybody else.

1322
00:51:28,419 --> 00:51:31,047
Okay, not my children, my dates,

1323
00:51:31,130 --> 00:51:33,841
employers, coworkers,
the new butcher,

1324
00:51:33,925 --> 00:51:35,968
but strangers.
Strangers love me.

1325
00:51:39,263 --> 00:51:41,265
Yeah.

1326
00:51:43,935 --> 00:51:45,686
How the hell did you get there?

1327
00:51:45,770 --> 00:51:47,980
I'm magic.

1328
00:51:48,064 --> 00:51:49,982
Actually,
I should be grateful

1329
00:51:50,066 --> 00:51:52,193
that my husband cheated
with the person that he did.

1330
00:51:52,276 --> 00:51:54,237
Because she was, as they say

1331
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:55,988
in the <i>American Journal
of Medicine,</i>

1332
00:51:56,072 --> 00:51:57,573
an idiot.

1333
00:51:57,657 --> 00:51:59,742
And I'm not just saying
that because she slept

1334
00:51:59,826 --> 00:52:01,911
with my husband. I'm saying
that because I saw her

1335
00:52:01,994 --> 00:52:03,788
ask a plastic plant
in the office

1336
00:52:03,871 --> 00:52:05,206
if it wanted some water.

1337
00:52:05,289 --> 00:52:07,917
And then waited for an answer.

1338
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:09,627
For ten full minutes.

1339
00:52:09,710 --> 00:52:11,337
And then went to the coffeepot

1340
00:52:11,420 --> 00:52:12,940
and asked
why the plant was mad at her.

1341
00:52:12,964 --> 00:52:14,674
So when your husband
leaves you for that,

1342
00:52:14,757 --> 00:52:16,759
it softens the blow.

1343
00:52:16,843 --> 00:52:19,196
It feels good that after their
first cocktail party appearance,

1344
00:52:19,220 --> 00:52:21,180
people call you saying,
"What was he thinking?

1345
00:52:21,264 --> 00:52:22,974
She apologized to the ashtray

1346
00:52:23,057 --> 00:52:24,457
every time
she put out a cigarette."

1347
00:52:24,517 --> 00:52:26,519
Did you do that?

1348
00:52:26,602 --> 00:52:28,187
- We did.
- From the party.

1349
00:52:28,271 --> 00:52:29,706
I've been single
for a while now.

1350
00:52:29,730 --> 00:52:32,358
Quite a while.

1351
00:52:32,441 --> 00:52:34,253
If I ever do remarry,
my mother's going to have

1352
00:52:34,277 --> 00:52:37,238
to give me "the talk" again
to refresh my memory.

1353
00:52:37,321 --> 00:52:40,283
I'm actually not sure if
a permanent relationship is even

1354
00:52:40,366 --> 00:52:42,493
in the cards for me anymore.

1355
00:52:42,577 --> 00:52:44,370
I mean, I work at night.

1356
00:52:44,453 --> 00:52:46,831
I come home reeking
of cigarettes and booze

1357
00:52:46,914 --> 00:52:49,834
with lipstick
on my collar... mine.

1358
00:52:49,917 --> 00:52:52,920
And the men in my life are
no longer boyfriends or lovers.

1359
00:52:53,004 --> 00:52:55,298
They're bits. Fodder for my act.

1360
00:52:55,381 --> 00:52:58,217
If they kiss loud
or have nicknames

1361
00:52:58,301 --> 00:53:00,887
for their body parts...
like their feet.

1362
00:53:00,970 --> 00:53:03,014
Come on, we sell soap here.

1363
00:53:04,348 --> 00:53:05,892
If we have
an argument on a Friday,

1364
00:53:05,975 --> 00:53:08,019
Saturday night I'm recreating it
for the Shriners,

1365
00:53:08,102 --> 00:53:10,605
who are always on my side
and think I can do better.

1366
00:53:10,688 --> 00:53:13,524
Plus I come with kids. Two.

1367
00:53:13,608 --> 00:53:15,192
A boy and a girl.

1368
00:53:15,276 --> 00:53:17,278
Their names are
on the tip of my tongue.

1369
00:53:18,321 --> 00:53:20,698
We're a Jewish household,
so my son was circumcised

1370
00:53:20,781 --> 00:53:22,491
a week after he was born.

1371
00:53:22,575 --> 00:53:24,803
My daughter's trauma will have
to wait until she's old enough

1372
00:53:24,827 --> 00:53:27,496
to go clothes shopping
with my mother.

1373
00:53:27,580 --> 00:53:29,081
Well, that's fair.

1374
00:53:29,165 --> 00:53:31,083
I do know
that because of my situation,

1375
00:53:31,167 --> 00:53:34,337
my daughter is going to grow up
different than I did.

1376
00:53:34,420 --> 00:53:36,213
She's gonna be tougher.

1377
00:53:36,297 --> 00:53:38,633
More independent.
That's a terrifying word.

1378
00:53:38,716 --> 00:53:40,635
Independent.

1379
00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:42,470
Especially for women.

1380
00:53:42,553 --> 00:53:44,847
It was not a word we were
supposed to be familiar with.

1381
00:53:44,931 --> 00:53:47,516
I wasn't. My mother wasn't.

1382
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,393
But I'm on my own now.

1383
00:53:49,477 --> 00:53:51,562
So if I want
that flat tire changed...

1384
00:53:51,646 --> 00:53:53,606
well, clearly someone else
is gonna do it.

1385
00:53:53,689 --> 00:53:55,274
I'm independent, not an idiot.

1386
00:53:55,358 --> 00:53:58,277
I haven't talked
to a plastic plant in months.

1387
00:54:00,529 --> 00:54:03,824
My kids, God, I promise
their names will come to me.

1388
00:54:04,909 --> 00:54:06,744
I think it's inevitable
that they will hate me

1389
00:54:06,827 --> 00:54:07,912
when they grow up.

1390
00:54:07,995 --> 00:54:10,247
Like every other parent,
I spend sleepless nights

1391
00:54:10,331 --> 00:54:11,975
imagining what my kids
are gonna say about me

1392
00:54:11,999 --> 00:54:13,334
to their psychiatrists.

1393
00:54:13,417 --> 00:54:15,127
Right? You've done this.

1394
00:54:15,211 --> 00:54:16,462
"She wasn't home."

1395
00:54:16,545 --> 00:54:18,381
"She missed my baseball game."

1396
00:54:18,464 --> 00:54:20,192
"She made me listen
to her tight ten for a week

1397
00:54:20,216 --> 00:54:22,194
before she opened in Toledo
and then had us heckle her

1398
00:54:22,218 --> 00:54:25,054
for three hours so she had
some practiced comebacks.

1399
00:54:25,137 --> 00:54:26,764
And our drinks
were watered-down."

1400
00:54:30,726 --> 00:54:33,646
That's why I need
to get really famous.

1401
00:54:33,729 --> 00:54:36,607
If you're really famous,
everybody loves you.

1402
00:54:36,691 --> 00:54:38,943
At least until the will is read.

1403
00:54:39,026 --> 00:54:41,946
I heard a story
about Mary Martin,

1404
00:54:42,029 --> 00:54:44,198
Broadway star.
Her driver got sick,

1405
00:54:44,281 --> 00:54:46,721
so she had to take a cab to the
theater she was performing at.

1406
00:54:46,784 --> 00:54:49,370
She gets in, cabbie asks her
where she's going.

1407
00:54:49,453 --> 00:54:51,455
She has no idea.

1408
00:54:51,539 --> 00:54:54,166
No idea where the theater is
or what it's called.

1409
00:54:54,250 --> 00:54:57,670
She is too famous to know.

1410
00:54:57,753 --> 00:54:59,255
She is so famous
that, eventually,

1411
00:54:59,338 --> 00:55:01,233
someone will notice she's
missing and just come find her.

1412
00:55:01,257 --> 00:55:03,342
All she has to do
is stand still.

1413
00:55:04,719 --> 00:55:06,721
That's the kind of fame I want.

1414
00:55:06,804 --> 00:55:09,682
Where I never have to know
who I am or where I'm going.

1415
00:55:09,765 --> 00:55:11,934
Where one day Bob Hope
walks up to me at a restaurant

1416
00:55:12,018 --> 00:55:13,144
and says, "Hi, I'm Bob Hope.

1417
00:55:13,227 --> 00:55:14,621
You probably
don't remember meeting me,"

1418
00:55:14,645 --> 00:55:16,373
and I say, "Of course I do.
I'll have the chicken."

1419
00:55:21,110 --> 00:55:23,779
I want a big life.

1420
00:55:23,863 --> 00:55:25,990
I want to experience everything.

1421
00:55:26,073 --> 00:55:29,160
I want to break
every single rule there is.

1422
00:55:30,327 --> 00:55:33,289
They say ambition is an
unattractive trait in a woman.

1423
00:55:33,372 --> 00:55:34,957
Maybe.

1424
00:55:35,041 --> 00:55:37,543
But you know
what's really unattractive?

1425
00:55:37,626 --> 00:55:40,212
Waiting around
for something to happen.

1426
00:55:40,296 --> 00:55:42,715
Staring out a window, thinking
the life you should be living

1427
00:55:42,798 --> 00:55:44,592
is out there somewhere
but not being willing

1428
00:55:44,675 --> 00:55:46,093
to open the door and go get it.

1429
00:55:46,177 --> 00:55:48,846
Even if someone tells you
you can't.

1430
00:55:48,929 --> 00:55:52,058
Being a coward is only cute
in <i>The Wizard of Oz.</i>

1431
00:55:53,476 --> 00:55:56,228
Ethan and Esther. I knew
it would come to me eventually.

1432
00:55:56,312 --> 00:55:57,813
Oh!

1433
00:55:57,897 --> 00:55:59,482
Huh.

1434
00:56:05,529 --> 00:56:07,531
Yeah.

1435
00:56:10,159 --> 00:56:13,579
You have been
an amazing audience!

1436
00:56:13,662 --> 00:56:15,247
I want to thank you,

1437
00:56:15,331 --> 00:56:17,333
I want to thank Gordon Ford,

1438
00:56:17,416 --> 00:56:20,211
and, most importantly,
I want to thank Bergdorf Goodman

1439
00:56:20,294 --> 00:56:22,129
from the bottom of my heart.

1440
00:56:22,213 --> 00:56:25,174
Thank you and good night!

1441
00:56:30,513 --> 00:56:33,182
I just wish
she'd worn a different dress.

1442
00:56:33,265 --> 00:56:36,602
You did it, Midge, whoo!

1443
00:56:42,566 --> 00:56:44,360
- Holy shit.
- Holy shit.

1444
00:56:44,443 --> 00:56:47,071
Well, don't just stand there!
Get over here, Maisel. Let's go!

1445
00:56:53,202 --> 00:56:54,745
- Wow.
- Look at her.

1446
00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:02,670
Ah!

1447
00:57:02,753 --> 00:57:04,672
Sit down.

1448
00:57:04,755 --> 00:57:06,674
Right now.

1449
00:57:06,757 --> 00:57:07,925
Whew.

1450
00:57:10,177 --> 00:57:12,847
Whew.

1451
00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:15,349
Where on earth
did that come from?

1452
00:57:15,432 --> 00:57:17,768
It was always there, Gordon.
You just had to ask.

1453
00:57:17,852 --> 00:57:19,854
Oh. Well, that was just terrific.

1454
00:57:19,937 --> 00:57:22,106
Really great. And I have to say,
I agree with you.

1455
00:57:22,189 --> 00:57:24,066
You are definitely not a writer.

1456
00:57:25,109 --> 00:57:27,862
That is the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

1457
00:57:28,904 --> 00:57:31,407
I have been hoist
by my own petard, folks.

1458
00:57:31,490 --> 00:57:34,410
I knew this lady was funny
but I did not know how funny.

1459
00:57:34,493 --> 00:57:36,662
I'm just grateful
you didn't turn the cameras off.

1460
00:57:36,745 --> 00:57:38,425
Oh, we did.
You can recreate it, can't you?

1461
00:57:38,497 --> 00:57:40,332
Absolutely. Mm-hmm.

1462
00:57:40,416 --> 00:57:43,335
Folks, I don't actually think
you got a proper introduction

1463
00:57:43,419 --> 00:57:46,172
to this very,
very funny lady here.

1464
00:57:46,255 --> 00:57:47,756
And I am gonna remedy that
right now.

1465
00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:49,508
Ladies and gentlemen,
making her first

1466
00:57:49,592 --> 00:57:51,135
but definitely not last

1467
00:57:51,218 --> 00:57:53,262
appearance
on <i>The Gordon Ford Show,</i>

1468
00:57:53,345 --> 00:57:55,848
may I present the magnificent,

1469
00:57:55,931 --> 00:57:57,266
the magical,

1470
00:57:57,349 --> 00:58:00,144
the marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

1471
00:58:06,525 --> 00:58:09,445
There she is. That's my daughter.

1472
00:58:09,528 --> 00:58:11,655
- That's my ex-wife.
- That's my best friend's ex-wife.

1473
00:58:11,739 --> 00:58:13,657
That's my ex-wife!

1474
00:58:35,554 --> 00:58:37,306
You're fired.

1475
00:59:01,872 --> 00:59:03,374
<i>♪ Doop-doo-de-doop ♪</i>

1476
00:59:03,457 --> 00:59:05,584
<i>♪ Doo-de-doop,
doo-de-doo-de-doop ♪</i>

1477
00:59:05,668 --> 00:59:07,127
<i>♪ Doop-doo-de-doop ♪</i>

1478
00:59:07,211 --> 00:59:09,546
<i>♪ Doo-de-doop,
doo-de-doo-de-doop...</i>

1479
00:59:09,630 --> 00:59:12,132
Yeah, remember, indecipherable.

1480
00:59:12,216 --> 00:59:13,550
This makes no sense.

1481
00:59:13,634 --> 00:59:15,195
Do you want me to teach you
how to be famous or not?

1482
00:59:15,219 --> 00:59:16,679
After you learn, maybe.

1483
00:59:16,762 --> 00:59:18,740
Okay, this is not the behavior
of someone who's been eating

1484
00:59:18,764 --> 00:59:20,324
gratis salt and pepper shrimp
all night.

1485
00:59:20,391 --> 00:59:21,826
But if someone asks
for your autograph,

1486
00:59:21,850 --> 00:59:23,245
they should be able
to read your name.

1487
00:59:23,269 --> 00:59:24,603
No. Wrong.

1488
00:59:24,687 --> 00:59:26,730
If they can read your name,
they will feel cheated.

1489
00:59:26,814 --> 00:59:28,792
They will know you are real.
That you went to school.

1490
00:59:28,816 --> 00:59:29,900
That you can write a check.

1491
00:59:29,984 --> 00:59:31,318
Okay. Here.

1492
00:59:31,402 --> 00:59:32,403
What do you think?

1493
00:59:32,486 --> 00:59:33,487
What's this?

1494
00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:34,738
My autograph.

1495
00:59:34,822 --> 00:59:36,341
I see at least three letters
very clearly.

1496
00:59:36,365 --> 00:59:37,366
Again.

1497
00:59:39,410 --> 00:59:41,078
Who taught you how to be famous?

1498
00:59:41,161 --> 00:59:42,538
I was born famous.

1499
00:59:42,621 --> 00:59:43,622
I see.

1500
00:59:43,706 --> 00:59:45,249
I floated down the Nile
in a basket

1501
00:59:45,332 --> 00:59:47,459
stuffed with greasepaint
and a copy of the trades.

1502
00:59:47,543 --> 00:59:48,543
That's a terrific story.

1503
00:59:48,585 --> 00:59:50,004
I made it up myself.

1504
00:59:50,087 --> 00:59:52,840
You want to hear the one
about the tap dancing locusts?

1505
00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:54,174
You want anything else?

1506
00:59:54,258 --> 00:59:55,509
Is there anything else?

1507
00:59:55,592 --> 00:59:57,720
Just the check.

1508
00:59:57,803 --> 00:59:59,096
Thank you for the feast.

1509
00:59:59,179 --> 01:00:00,179
You're welcome.

1510
01:00:00,222 --> 01:00:02,057
It's been a great night.

1511
01:00:02,141 --> 01:00:03,726
I concur.

1512
01:00:03,809 --> 01:00:05,019
Is it still snowing?

1513
01:00:05,102 --> 01:00:08,147
Well, if it is...

1514
01:00:08,230 --> 01:00:09,732
there won't be any cabs.

1515
01:00:09,815 --> 01:00:11,400
Trains will be spotty.

1516
01:00:11,483 --> 01:00:13,402
You might have to seek shelter
somewhere nearby

1517
01:00:13,485 --> 01:00:14,737
until it clears up.

1518
01:00:14,820 --> 01:00:16,905
I already sought shelter
earlier,

1519
01:00:16,989 --> 01:00:18,842
and now I have to go
to confession in the morning.

1520
01:00:18,866 --> 01:00:20,701
Last booth on the left
knows Hebrew.

1521
01:00:23,787 --> 01:00:25,998
Well? What about this?

1522
01:00:26,081 --> 01:00:27,124
Oh, nice.

1523
01:00:27,207 --> 01:00:29,335
- That's practically Sanskrit.
- Ah!

1524
01:00:29,418 --> 01:00:30,502
Okay, now we should work

1525
01:00:30,586 --> 01:00:32,296
on ignoring people
who you obviously know

1526
01:00:32,379 --> 01:00:34,107
when they're standing
two feet away from you.

1527
01:00:34,131 --> 01:00:35,632
All the famous people do it.

1528
01:00:37,051 --> 01:00:39,470
What makes you so sure
I'm gonna be really famous?

1529
01:00:39,553 --> 01:00:41,638
Mm, it's just a hunch.

1530
01:00:42,681 --> 01:00:44,224
I've seen your act.

1531
01:00:44,308 --> 01:00:46,018
I watched you escape
a police raid.

1532
01:00:46,101 --> 01:00:48,062
So, running and talking.

1533
01:00:48,145 --> 01:00:50,397
You have many skills.

1534
01:00:50,481 --> 01:00:52,608
Think my show corset
turned your head.

1535
01:00:52,691 --> 01:00:55,027
My head turned a long time ago.

1536
01:00:55,110 --> 01:00:57,446
It's why I keep pulling
to the right.

1537
01:00:57,529 --> 01:00:59,531
I don't know.

1538
01:00:59,615 --> 01:01:02,368
I hope you're right
because I don't have a plan B.

1539
01:01:02,451 --> 01:01:04,828
All my eggs
are in one big basket.

1540
01:01:04,912 --> 01:01:06,080
Mm, allow me.

1541
01:01:07,122 --> 01:01:08,707
God, I love a man
who steals my food.

1542
01:01:11,001 --> 01:01:13,128
"A spotlight waits
for you center stage.

1543
01:01:13,212 --> 01:01:15,964
All you have to do
is step up and claim it."

1544
01:01:16,048 --> 01:01:17,341
- Wow.
- "Once you do,

1545
01:01:17,424 --> 01:01:19,301
everyone will know who you are.

1546
01:01:19,385 --> 01:01:21,220
They will know your wit,

1547
01:01:21,303 --> 01:01:23,847
your intellect, your smile.

1548
01:01:23,931 --> 01:01:26,266
Your great, expressive eyes."

1549
01:01:27,267 --> 01:01:29,353
"They will be helpless
to your charms."

1550
01:01:29,436 --> 01:01:31,647
That must be
some very small writing.

1551
01:01:31,730 --> 01:01:33,232
"They will fall at your feet

1552
01:01:33,315 --> 01:01:36,443
and worship at the altar
of you and your show corset."

1553
01:01:36,527 --> 01:01:37,778
Can I see that fortune?

1554
01:01:37,861 --> 01:01:38,922
Oh, no.
If someone sees you can read,

1555
01:01:38,946 --> 01:01:40,447
they'll never let you be famous.

1556
01:01:44,368 --> 01:01:46,703
"Your lucky numbers are 46,

1557
01:01:46,787 --> 01:01:49,957
24, 11, six and five."

1558
01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:51,542
It's all how you read it.

1559
01:01:54,253 --> 01:01:56,004
You mark my words.

1560
01:01:56,088 --> 01:01:59,216
Very soon,
in the not too distant future,

1561
01:01:59,299 --> 01:02:01,885
you will be paying
for the Chinese food.

1562
01:02:15,149 --> 01:02:16,483
<i>The week of the 24th,</i>

1563
01:02:16,567 --> 01:02:18,068
<i>you go to Orlando
and Palm Beach.</i>

1564
01:02:18,152 --> 01:02:19,736
<i>Those dates are firm.
Then you have</i>

1565
01:02:19,820 --> 01:02:22,656
Chicago, Minneapolis and
possibly Vegas for two weeks.

1566
01:02:22,739 --> 01:02:24,801
So far apart. All that travel.

1567
01:02:24,825 --> 01:02:26,285
Charo offered her plane.

1568
01:02:26,368 --> 01:02:27,578
Oh, well, that's fine, then.

1569
01:02:27,661 --> 01:02:28,579
What about the Palace?

1570
01:02:28,662 --> 01:02:29,822
We are working on the Palace.

1571
01:02:29,872 --> 01:02:31,112
They're still talking December.

1572
01:02:31,165 --> 01:02:32,851
I don't want to be in London
for the holidays.

1573
01:02:32,875 --> 01:02:34,686
- I know that.
- I want to be in New York for the holidays.

1574
01:02:34,710 --> 01:02:36,378
We have relayed the message.

1575
01:02:36,462 --> 01:02:38,064
I'm never in New York for
the holidays, and this year

1576
01:02:38,088 --> 01:02:39,357
I want to be in New York
for the holidays.

1577
01:02:39,381 --> 01:02:40,381
I hear you.

1578
01:02:40,424 --> 01:02:41,884
New York for the holidays.
Period.

1579
01:02:41,967 --> 01:02:43,194
However, if that's the only time
that works,

1580
01:02:43,218 --> 01:02:44,261
then December's fine.

1581
01:02:44,344 --> 01:02:45,655
The building says there's
nothing they can do

1582
01:02:45,679 --> 01:02:47,490
- about the noise.
- They've been jumping around

1583
01:02:47,514 --> 01:02:48,515
for hours down there.

1584
01:02:48,599 --> 01:02:50,184
It's like Ruby Keeler moved in.

1585
01:02:50,267 --> 01:02:51,536
I'll knock on the door
and see what's up.

1586
01:02:51,560 --> 01:02:52,720
Tell them Yoko's complaining.

1587
01:02:52,769 --> 01:02:53,854
That'll shut 'em up.

1588
01:02:53,937 --> 01:02:55,022
Now,

1589
01:02:55,105 --> 01:02:56,791
before we break, what am I doing
on Tuesday?

1590
01:02:56,815 --> 01:02:58,108
Nothing.

1591
01:02:58,192 --> 01:02:59,651
Oh.

1592
01:02:59,735 --> 01:03:01,421
- Well, are we working on booking something?
- No.

1593
01:03:01,445 --> 01:03:03,381
But you are working Sunday,
Monday and Wednesday, though.

1594
01:03:03,405 --> 01:03:04,323
Traveling Thursday.

1595
01:03:04,406 --> 01:03:05,782
But what about Tuesday?

1596
01:03:05,866 --> 01:03:07,618
You can rest on Tuesday.

1597
01:03:09,328 --> 01:03:11,580
Let me make some calls.

1598
01:03:12,706 --> 01:03:14,458
You press here,
bring up the menu,

1599
01:03:14,541 --> 01:03:16,126
scroll over
to the envelope icon, click,

1600
01:03:16,210 --> 01:03:18,104
- then write your message.
- Why don't I just call them?

1601
01:03:18,128 --> 01:03:19,254
Sometimes you want to text.

1602
01:03:19,338 --> 01:03:20,378
- When?
- When you're late.

1603
01:03:20,422 --> 01:03:21,507
I can call when I'm late.

1604
01:03:21,590 --> 01:03:22,984
It's just a fun thing
your phone can do.

1605
01:03:23,008 --> 01:03:24,903
- Like take pictures.
- My camera takes pictures.

1606
01:03:24,927 --> 01:03:25,844
What if you don't have
your camera?

1607
01:03:25,928 --> 01:03:27,054
I commit it to memory.

1608
01:03:27,137 --> 01:03:28,347
It also takes videos.

1609
01:03:28,430 --> 01:03:29,616
Does it have the nuclear codes?

1610
01:03:29,640 --> 01:03:31,117
- Can I bomb somebody?
- No, you can't.

1611
01:03:31,141 --> 01:03:32,744
What about aliens?
Can I communicate with aliens?

1612
01:03:32,768 --> 01:03:34,579
Not with the phone. Can I just
show you how to write a message?

1613
01:03:34,603 --> 01:03:37,081
- You can certainly try.
- So you scroll down to a number and then you click

1614
01:03:37,105 --> 01:03:38,583
on that number until it goes
to the letter you want

1615
01:03:38,607 --> 01:03:40,247
- and then...
- Enjoy the phone, Franklin!

1616
01:03:42,194 --> 01:03:44,672
<i>♪ I wanted ♪</i>

1617
01:03:44,696 --> 01:03:47,241
<i>♪ The music ♪</i>

1618
01:03:47,324 --> 01:03:50,077
<i>♪ To play on ♪</i>

1619
01:03:50,160 --> 01:03:52,829
<i>♪ Forever ♪</i>

1620
01:03:54,581 --> 01:03:57,417
<i>♪ Have I stayed too long ♪</i>

1621
01:03:57,501 --> 01:04:00,921
<i>♪ At the fair? ♪</i>

1622
01:04:01,922 --> 01:04:04,091
<i>♪ I wanted ♪</i>

1623
01:04:04,174 --> 01:04:06,051
<i>♪ The clown ♪</i>

1624
01:04:07,135 --> 01:04:11,390
<i>♪ To be constantly clever ♪</i>

1625
01:04:11,473 --> 01:04:14,476
<i>♪ Have I stayed too long ♪</i>

1626
01:04:14,560 --> 01:04:18,438
<i>♪ At the fair? ♪</i>

1627
01:04:19,439 --> 01:04:24,111
<i>♪ I bought me blue ribbons ♪</i>

1628
01:04:24,194 --> 01:04:28,615
<i>♪ To tie up my hair ♪</i>

1629
01:04:28,699 --> 01:04:32,286
<i>♪ But I couldn't find ♪</i>

1630
01:04:32,369 --> 01:04:38,875
<i>♪ Anybody to care ♪</i>

1631
01:04:38,959 --> 01:04:45,132
<i>♪ The merry-go-round ♪</i>

1632
01:04:45,215 --> 01:04:48,468
<i>♪ Is beginning to slow now ♪</i>

1633
01:04:48,552 --> 01:04:51,555
<i>♪ Have I stayed too long ♪</i>

1634
01:04:51,638 --> 01:04:56,560
<i>♪ At the fair? ♪</i>

1635
01:04:56,643 --> 01:05:00,355
<i>♪ The music ♪</i>

1636
01:05:00,439 --> 01:05:02,357
<i>♪ Has stopped ♪</i>

1637
01:05:02,441 --> 01:05:07,446
<i>♪ And the children must go now ♪</i>

1638
01:05:07,529 --> 01:05:12,284
<i>♪ Have I ♪</i>

1639
01:05:13,285 --> 01:05:20,285
<i>♪ Stayed too long ♪</i>

1640
01:05:21,585 --> 01:05:25,464
<i>♪ At the ♪</i>

1641
01:05:25,547 --> 01:05:32,547
<i>♪ Fair? ♪♪</i>

1642
01:05:43,148 --> 01:05:45,651
<i>Hold on.
I got shit everywhere.</i>

1643
01:05:45,734 --> 01:05:47,778
Literal shit
or metaphorical shit?

1644
01:05:47,861 --> 01:05:50,781
Uh, the fucking cleaning lady
moved everything around.

1645
01:05:50,864 --> 01:05:52,616
Can't find my TV glasses.

1646
01:05:52,699 --> 01:05:54,451
<i>Look in the box
on the flower table.</i>

1647
01:05:54,534 --> 01:05:56,453
Don't pretend
that you know everything.

1648
01:05:56,536 --> 01:05:58,038
<i>Box on the flower table.</i>

1649
01:05:58,121 --> 01:06:00,040
You don't know everything!

1650
01:06:00,123 --> 01:06:02,292
<i>She didn't move them.
She never moves them.</i>

1651
01:06:02,376 --> 01:06:04,020
<i>- Look in the box on the flower table.</i>
- You know,

1652
01:06:04,044 --> 01:06:07,089
a whole continent away from you
is not enough space.

1653
01:06:08,590 --> 01:06:10,425
<i>Did you find them?</i>

1654
01:06:10,509 --> 01:06:12,427
No.

1655
01:06:12,511 --> 01:06:14,262
Did your machine tape it okay?

1656
01:06:14,346 --> 01:06:15,806
<i>Yes. I got it fixed.</i>

1657
01:06:15,889 --> 01:06:16,807
Did you check it?

1658
01:06:16,890 --> 01:06:18,892
<i>I checked it. It works.</i>

1659
01:06:18,975 --> 01:06:21,603
<i>Now, remind me,
what happened yesterday?</i>

1660
01:06:21,687 --> 01:06:24,106
Oh. Uh, they booted the guy

1661
01:06:24,189 --> 01:06:27,359
who didn't know which character
Danny Bonaduce played

1662
01:06:27,442 --> 01:06:28,610
on <i>The Partridge Family.</i>

1663
01:06:28,694 --> 01:06:30,278
<i>Well, I wouldn't
have known that.</i>

1664
01:06:30,362 --> 01:06:33,240
It's Danny. Jesus Christ.

1665
01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:34,324
All right, you got it?

1666
01:06:34,408 --> 01:06:35,784
I got it. You got it?

1667
01:06:35,867 --> 01:06:36,910
I got it.

1668
01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:38,078
I'm putting it in.

1669
01:06:38,161 --> 01:06:39,371
I'm putting it in.

1670
01:06:39,454 --> 01:06:41,540
<i>- Still putting it in.</i>
- I'm in.

1671
01:06:41,623 --> 01:06:44,209
- I'm in!
<i>- Now, don't press before I press.</i>

1672
01:06:44,292 --> 01:06:46,086
Every fucking time.

1673
01:06:46,169 --> 01:06:48,755
Because we have to hear
the answers at the same time.

1674
01:06:48,839 --> 01:06:49,756
<i>I know!</i>

1675
01:06:49,840 --> 01:06:50,757
And if you get ahead,

1676
01:06:50,841 --> 01:06:52,384
then you hear the answer
before I do.

1677
01:06:52,467 --> 01:06:54,553
I fucking know!

1678
01:06:54,636 --> 01:06:56,388
We'll press it at the same time.

1679
01:06:56,471 --> 01:06:58,056
Jesus.

1680
01:06:58,140 --> 01:06:59,725
Could've watched the whole show
by now.

1681
01:06:59,808 --> 01:07:02,519
Oh! Susie, did you get my bird?

1682
01:07:02,602 --> 01:07:04,354
The red one?

1683
01:07:04,438 --> 01:07:05,522
She's gorgeous.

1684
01:07:05,605 --> 01:07:07,357
I've never seen anything
like her.

1685
01:07:07,441 --> 01:07:09,484
I named her Whore.

1686
01:07:09,568 --> 01:07:11,027
<i>I didn't thank you for that?</i>

1687
01:07:11,111 --> 01:07:12,946
You're welcome. You ready?

1688
01:07:13,029 --> 01:07:14,948
I am ready.

1689
01:07:15,031 --> 01:07:16,450
Okay, one,

1690
01:07:16,533 --> 01:07:18,535
two, three,

1691
01:07:18,618 --> 01:07:19,703
<i>- go.</i>
- Go.

1692
01:07:22,247 --> 01:07:23,665
Such a pleasant tune.

1693
01:07:23,749 --> 01:07:26,209
Mm, really pleasant tune.

1694
01:07:26,293 --> 01:07:29,212
<i>The Ultimate
Tournament of Champions.</i>

1695
01:07:29,296 --> 01:07:31,673
<i>Will it be a retail specialist</i>

1696
01:07:31,757 --> 01:07:33,592
<i>from Louisville, Kentucky,
Chris Miller,</i>

1697
01:07:33,675 --> 01:07:36,511
<i>who, yesterday, won $10,000?</i>

1698
01:07:36,595 --> 01:07:37,947
<i>An investment analyst...</i>

1699
01:07:37,971 --> 01:07:39,973
They had a meeting here
and we're going over dates

1700
01:07:40,056 --> 01:07:42,642
and I look down.
Tuesday's empty.

1701
01:07:42,726 --> 01:07:43,769
Oops.

1702
01:07:43,852 --> 01:07:45,520
- Feel sorry for Delia.
<i>- I mean,</i>

1703
01:07:45,604 --> 01:07:46,688
it's wide open, Susie.

1704
01:07:46,772 --> 01:07:47,689
And when I questioned it,

1705
01:07:47,773 --> 01:07:49,107
she looked at me
like I'm insane.

1706
01:07:49,191 --> 01:07:50,942
You want me
to call her?

1707
01:07:51,026 --> 01:07:53,278
<i>I want you to come back to work.</i>

1708
01:07:53,361 --> 01:07:55,197
I've done my time.

1709
01:07:55,280 --> 01:07:56,698
I'll call her tomorrow.

1710
01:07:56,782 --> 01:07:58,492
I think
I'm gonna take the champ.

1711
01:07:58,575 --> 01:07:59,951
Okay. I got bushy beard man.

1712
01:08:00,035 --> 01:08:01,995
<i>Here we go,
the Jeopardy! round.</i>

1713
01:08:02,078 --> 01:08:03,538
Gonna be a good match.

1714
01:08:03,622 --> 01:08:05,540
Should we make it
a little more interesting?

1715
01:08:05,624 --> 01:08:07,542
It's been interesting
for 45 years.

1716
01:08:07,626 --> 01:08:09,252
I'm not sure
how we're gonna top it now.

1717
01:08:09,336 --> 01:08:10,545
<i>Let's do...</i>

1718
01:08:10,629 --> 01:08:12,547
Forbes' <i>Billionaires, $200.</i>

1719
01:08:12,631 --> 01:08:14,591
<i>March was
a great month for her:</i>

1720
01:08:14,674 --> 01:08:16,234
<i>she made her debut
on the</i> Forbes <i>list...</i>

1721
01:08:16,301 --> 01:08:17,219
- Martha Stewart.
<i>- Oh. The chick who went</i>

1722
01:08:17,302 --> 01:08:18,929
to jail 'cause she's a broad,

1723
01:08:19,012 --> 01:08:20,823
even though every other guy
who does the same fucking thing

1724
01:08:20,847 --> 01:08:22,307
is walking around
completely free.

1725
01:08:22,390 --> 01:08:23,308
<i>- Who is Martha Stewart?
- Yes.</i>

1726
01:08:23,391 --> 01:08:24,494
<i>Billionaires for $600.</i>

1727
01:08:24,518 --> 01:08:26,269
I think
he would've given me that one.

1728
01:08:26,353 --> 01:08:27,713
<i>...but
this septuagenarian</i>

1729
01:08:27,771 --> 01:08:29,898
<i>member of the Disney family
is still on it.</i>

1730
01:08:29,981 --> 01:08:31,316
<i>- John?
- Who is Roy Disney?</i>

1731
01:08:31,399 --> 01:08:33,159
<i>- Roy Disney.</i>
- Oh, he's a nice man.

1732
01:08:33,193 --> 01:08:34,879
<i>- Predators for $600.
- Are we gonna keep...</i>

1733
01:08:34,903 --> 01:08:36,571
How do you think
I'd look in a goatee?

1734
01:08:36,655 --> 01:08:38,132
<i>Why would that
even occur to you?</i>

1735
01:08:38,156 --> 01:08:39,825
Well, if there is reincarnation,

1736
01:08:39,908 --> 01:08:42,369
I could come back as a man
and I want to have a look.

1737
01:08:42,452 --> 01:08:44,287
<i>- Are you bald?</i>
- Why?

1738
01:08:44,371 --> 01:08:45,789
Because I think if you're bald,

1739
01:08:45,872 --> 01:08:48,333
it's weird if all the hair
you have is under your chin.

1740
01:08:48,416 --> 01:08:50,502
Hmm? Goatee looks better
with a full head of hair.

1741
01:08:50,585 --> 01:08:51,837
<i>That is ridiculous.</i>

1742
01:08:51,920 --> 01:08:52,920
That is ridiculous?

1743
01:08:52,963 --> 01:08:54,256
Not this entire conversation?

1744
01:08:54,339 --> 01:08:56,466
You don't ever imagine
what you'd come back as

1745
01:08:56,550 --> 01:08:58,134
- if you came back?
<i>- No.</i>

1746
01:08:58,218 --> 01:08:59,845
<i>I still have all my marbles.</i>

1747
01:08:59,928 --> 01:09:01,805
I think about it all the time.

1748
01:09:01,888 --> 01:09:03,640
Who would I be?
Where would I live?

1749
01:09:03,723 --> 01:09:05,600
<i>- What if I was an animal?</i>
- Oh, boy.

1750
01:09:05,684 --> 01:09:07,435
I think I'd make
a cute squirrel.

1751
01:09:07,519 --> 01:09:08,687
Or a swan.

1752
01:09:08,770 --> 01:09:10,355
Or a wild mustang.

1753
01:09:10,438 --> 01:09:12,691
I'd be a great wild mustang.
What about you?

1754
01:09:12,774 --> 01:09:14,609
I am not coming back
as anything.

1755
01:09:14,693 --> 01:09:15,735
<i>Come on.</i>

1756
01:09:15,819 --> 01:09:17,612
I am fine being dead.
I prefer it.

1757
01:09:17,696 --> 01:09:19,197
Any animal, what would you be?

1758
01:09:21,241 --> 01:09:23,285
- Skunk.
<i>- Why?</i>

1759
01:09:23,368 --> 01:09:25,120
Mm, great fur. Cute face.

1760
01:09:25,203 --> 01:09:26,413
And your ass is a weapon.

1761
01:09:26,496 --> 01:09:28,331
That does seem
like you.

1762
01:09:28,415 --> 01:09:29,415
<i>Right?</i>

1763
01:09:29,457 --> 01:09:31,418
Walking down the street,
someone bumps me,

1764
01:09:31,501 --> 01:09:33,545
turn, tail up... bam!

1765
01:09:33,628 --> 01:09:35,468
- I can picture it.
<i>- Yeah.</i>

1766
01:09:35,505 --> 01:09:37,757
And I look back over my shoulder
while I do it.

1767
01:09:37,841 --> 01:09:39,593
And you're wearing your cap.

1768
01:09:40,760 --> 01:09:41,904
That's right, buddy.

1769
01:09:41,928 --> 01:09:43,305
That smell? That's you.

1770
01:09:43,388 --> 01:09:45,348
Enjoy your tomato juice bath.

1771
01:09:45,432 --> 01:09:48,059
Tomato juice bath.

1772
01:09:48,143 --> 01:09:50,395
Yeah, throw-throw a celery stalk in there.

1773
01:09:50,478 --> 01:09:51,688
You're gonna be a while.

1774
01:09:51,771 --> 01:09:54,316
Celery stalk.

1775
01:09:54,399 --> 01:09:56,669
<i>Next time, you're gonna look
where you're walking.</i>

1776
01:09:56,693 --> 01:09:58,820
<i>Huh?</i>

1777
01:09:58,904 --> 01:10:00,906
Pepé Le Jew over here, huh?

1778
01:10:10,832 --> 01:10:12,643
<i>Oh, it hurts. Stop.</i>

1779
01:10:19,007 --> 01:10:20,091
<i>♪ Girls talk ♪</i>

1780
01:10:27,098 --> 01:10:30,226
<i>♪ There are some things
you can't cover up ♪</i>

1781
01:10:30,310 --> 01:10:33,396
<i>♪ With lipstick and powder ♪</i>

1782
01:10:34,397 --> 01:10:37,317
<i>♪ Thought I heard you
mention my name ♪</i>

1783
01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:40,654
<i>♪ Can't you talk any louder? ♪</i>

1784
01:10:41,738 --> 01:10:43,239
<i>♪ Don't come any closer ♪</i>

1785
01:10:43,323 --> 01:10:44,908
<i>♪ Don't come any nearer ♪</i>

1786
01:10:44,991 --> 01:10:46,701
<i>♪ My vision of you ♪</i>

1787
01:10:46,785 --> 01:10:48,995
<i>♪ Can't come any clearer ♪</i>

1788
01:10:49,079 --> 01:10:51,873
<i>♪ Oh, I ♪</i>

1789
01:10:51,957 --> 01:10:55,669
<i>♪ Just want to hear girls talk ♪</i>

1790
01:10:57,003 --> 01:10:59,839
<i>♪ Got a loaded imagination ♪</i>

1791
01:10:59,923 --> 01:11:03,218
<i>♪ Bein' fired by girls talk ♪</i>

1792
01:11:04,427 --> 01:11:07,597
<i>♪ It's a more or less
situation ♪</i>

1793
01:11:07,681 --> 01:11:11,184
<i>♪ Inspired by girls talk ♪</i>

1794
01:11:11,267 --> 01:11:13,269
<i>- ♪ But I can't say ♪
- ♪ Can't say ♪</i>

1795
01:11:13,353 --> 01:11:15,897
<i>- ♪ The words you want to hear ♪
- ♪ Want to hear ♪</i>

1796
01:11:15,981 --> 01:11:17,941
<i>♪ I suppose
you're gonna have to ♪</i>

1797
01:11:18,024 --> 01:11:21,027
<i>♪ Play it by ear right here ♪</i>

1798
01:11:21,111 --> 01:11:23,154
<i>♪ And now ♪</i>

1799
01:11:23,238 --> 01:11:24,238
<i>♪ Girls talk ♪</i>

1800
01:11:24,280 --> 01:11:26,950
<i>♪ And they want to know how ♪</i>

1801
01:11:27,033 --> 01:11:28,910
<i>- ♪ Girls talk ♪
- ♪ And they say ♪</i>

1802
01:11:28,994 --> 01:11:30,704
<i>♪ It's not allowed ♪</i>

1803
01:11:30,787 --> 01:11:32,956
<i>- ♪ Girls talk ♪
- ♪ If they say that it's so ♪</i>

1804
01:11:33,039 --> 01:11:38,962
<i>♪ Don't you think
that I'd know by now? ♪</i>

1805
01:11:39,045 --> 01:11:42,215
<i>♪ Got the word up
on everyone's lipstick ♪</i>

1806
01:11:42,298 --> 01:11:44,926
<i>♪ That you're getting faded ♪</i>

1807
01:11:46,636 --> 01:11:48,888
<i>♪ You may not be
an old-fashioned girl ♪</i>

1808
01:11:48,972 --> 01:11:52,934
<i>♪ But you're gonna get dated ♪</i>

1809
01:11:53,018 --> 01:11:55,562
<i>♪ Was it really murder? ♪</i>

1810
01:11:55,645 --> 01:11:57,063
<i>♪ Were you just pretending? ♪</i>

1811
01:11:57,147 --> 01:11:58,982
<i>♪ Lately I have heard ♪</i>

1812
01:11:59,065 --> 01:12:02,694
<i>♪ You are the living end ♪</i>

1813
01:12:04,571 --> 01:12:05,905
<i>♪ Girls talk ♪</i>

1814
01:12:05,989 --> 01:12:08,241
<i>♪ And they want to know how ♪</i>

1815
01:12:08,324 --> 01:12:09,784
<i>♪ Girls talk ♪</i>

1816
01:12:09,868 --> 01:12:11,870
<i>♪ And they say
it's not allowed ♪</i>

1817
01:12:11,953 --> 01:12:13,872
<i>- ♪ Girls talk ♪
- ♪ And they think ♪</i>

1818
01:12:13,955 --> 01:12:16,624
<i>- ♪ They know how ♪
- ♪ Girls talk ♪</i>

1819
01:12:16,708 --> 01:12:18,543
<i>♪ If they say that it's so ♪</i>

1820
01:12:18,626 --> 01:12:23,965
<i>♪ Don't you think
that I'd know by now? ♪</i>

1821
01:12:38,688 --> 01:12:40,315
<i>♪ But I can't say ♪</i>

1822
01:12:40,398 --> 01:12:42,442
<i>♪ The words you want to hear ♪</i>

1823
01:12:42,525 --> 01:12:44,486
<i>♪ I suppose you're gonna ♪</i>

1824
01:12:44,569 --> 01:12:46,988
<i>♪ Have to play it by ear ♪</i>

1825
01:12:47,072 --> 01:12:48,792
<i>- ♪ Right here ♪
- ♪ There are some things ♪</i>

1826
01:12:48,823 --> 01:12:53,661
<i>♪ You can't cover up
with lipstick and powder ♪</i>

1827
01:12:55,038 --> 01:12:57,791
<i>♪ But I heard you mention
my name ♪</i>

1828
01:12:57,874 --> 01:13:01,294
<i>♪ Can't you talk any louder? ♪</i>

1829
01:13:02,337 --> 01:13:03,713
<i>♪ Don't come any closer ♪</i>

1830
01:13:03,797 --> 01:13:05,882
<i>♪ Don't come any nearer ♪</i>

1831
01:13:05,965 --> 01:13:06,966
<i>♪ My vision of you ♪</i>

1832
01:13:07,050 --> 01:13:11,054
<i>♪ Can't come any clearer ♪</i>

1833
01:13:11,137 --> 01:13:12,597
<i>- ♪ Girls talk ♪
- ♪ And they want ♪</i>

1834
01:13:12,680 --> 01:13:15,683
<i>- ♪ To know how ♪
- ♪ Girls talk ♪</i>

1835
01:13:15,767 --> 01:13:18,436
<i>♪ And they say
it's not allowed ♪</i>

1836
01:13:18,520 --> 01:13:19,521
<i>♪ Girls talk ♪</i>

1837
01:13:19,604 --> 01:13:22,440
<i>♪ And they think they know how ♪</i>

1838
01:13:22,524 --> 01:13:24,859
<i>♪ Girls talk, girls talk ♪</i>

1839
01:13:26,069 --> 01:13:27,654
<i>♪ Girls talk ♪</i>

1840
01:13:27,737 --> 01:13:30,406
<i>♪ Girls talk, girls talk ♪</i>

1841
01:13:30,490 --> 01:13:33,535
<i>♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪</i>

1842
01:13:33,618 --> 01:13:35,411
<i>♪ Girls talk ♪</i>

1843
01:13:35,495 --> 01:13:37,247
<i>♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪</i>